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aT LEAST MY CAR ISNT A EUNUCH LIKE YOUR CAR YOU FAGGOT

Cars transport people from point A to point B and on weekends to point C.

They are also used to run over schoolchildren and other small mammals, as the place your sweet little daughter- who you once watched Sesame Street and had pretend tea parties with- will likely give her first blowjob, and as ostentatious symbols of wealth that is probably being financed through a bank. They are the number one source of polluting the air and eating up natural resources, which is pretty useful for trolling Greenpeace. Cars are the leading cause of death for Rob Levin.

Cars also provide protection against lions.

Cars as Mechanisms of Compensation

Some argue the size of a man's PENIS can be determined by the expense of his car. It is an inverse relationship, with a more expensive car indicating a smaller PENIS. The following formula can be used:

p = 1/c

Where p is the PENIS size in inches, and c is the cost of the car in thousands of dollars. So, for example, someone with a $200,000 car would have a PENIS size of 1/200th of an inch.

However, there is an inherent flaw in this formula; a Chevy Suburban only costs about $35,000 but the men who buy large trucks like them have massive compensation complexes. While the owner of a $200,000 sports car is most likely only trying to compensate for his sexual prowess, the owners of these ridiculously large trucks are not only trying to compensate for his fail cock, but also overall masculinity.

Additionally, one can purchase a used 1990 Ford Festiva for about $500 off of craigslist. The only sort of person who would even consider such a vehicle would be mentally deficient and sexually dysfunctional. Bragging about your $500 Festiva, Chevette, or Geo will not make people think you have a large PENIS.

In conclusion, penis size cannot be judged solely upon a mans car, however ball size, could be a different story - if a man has a 300,00USD motor vehicle and a closet for a home, he may have nuts the size of Katrina. That being said, the writers of this section are retards and hate to say it, Jelly.

Cars by Country

American cars

Historically known for their utter shit build quality, looks, handling, fuel consumption, safety, and lack of steering. Oh, and exploding if hit from the rear. Or impaling their drivers on the steering column in a low speed head-on. Or forcing the driver to visit hell to obtain one. And being Proudly Built in the USA which means the parts are made in China, assembled in Mexico, then topped with a plastic flag by an overpaid union worker in America.

Australian cars

AU hasn't quite gotten the message from the US: Big, overpowered RWD sedans with very little sophistication are old news. Aussies must be given credit where credit is due however, as they did take half of a sedan and glue it to a truck bed, calling it a 'ute'.

British cars

Aston Martin, Jaguar, Lotus, Land Rover, Caterham, and the BMW-owned Mini are the pinnacle of British motoring. Mind you, until very recently the first two were largely assembled from the leftover parts bin at Ford. However, it must be noted that the Morgan AeroMax (Seen at right) still contains something from the 1300s: a wood-beam ceiling. At least 100 years ago until the Margret Thatcher era. British cars were British. However are now American, Indian, German, Japanese and Italian. Though if we look into times past (British Leyland-era), most British cars were as appealing and well-made as the current United States line-up. Then again, Vauxhall is pretty much the same thing as Chevy, and they're twice as shit.

Canadian cars

Even though the Canucks have Bombardier that makes planes, trains, and snowmobiles, ~~there is no such thing as a Car that they can call their own.~~ Failfag

File:Bricklin sv1.jpg

HAI!: friendly car is waving!!1one1!

SHIT BRICKS

Introducing an automotive disaster of truly epic proportions: the Bricklin. Manufactured and assembled in New Brunswick, designed and championed by the designer of the original TV Batmobile, powered by a Ford V8, and headed by highly competent members of the CEO's own family, this car is certainly a perfect storm of fail. The Canadian Provincial government was so impressed by this horseless carriage that they decided to provide $4.5 million dollars to finance the operation. Bricklin actually used this money to pay thier family. The crowning jewel was the immediate revenues: each Bricklin cost the company $16,000 to build. They then sold them to dealerships for $5,000, effectively losing 2 cars for every car sold. This was in the 70's, so factor inflation, and today they would build a car for $23,000,000 and sell it for $5.17.

Embedding a single image simply will no do this worthy business venture justice. Please visit: http://bricklinautosport.com/

File:Zenn-car.jpg

If your car uses anything other than old curtains for a roof, you're gay

ZENN

ZENN is not just a really cool brand name, loser, it's a crazy-smart acronym for Zero Emissions No Noise. Fuck yea! You don't pay out the big bucks for a name like that without a killer credo:

Since man first began to walk, we have dreamed of the fucking riteous feeling of movement. Cars hath given us mobility, but at the cost pollution and oil dependancy. O noes! ZENN is all about getting back to that feeling of movement. ZENN looks like a car, but refuses to work like one. ZENN will quietly change the way you think about getting from A to B. ZENN is enlightened mobility.

Now tell me you don't want a blue one! It is powered by ZENNergy technologies and solutions, so you know it kicks fat piles of ass. The company founder is a photographer-turned-internet marketing failure, so you know he has the credentials to create a vehicle to navigate the super 1337 400-series highway system; he rode a fucking vacuum to work while impregnating your mom. Genius, really, considering that traffic has not gotten abover 13 km/h on those failroads in over 25 years. Oddly enough, the CFO just left the company to persue other business interests. They are looking to hire a new one, so if 3 shiny loonies and an ass full of cum every day is better than what you currently earn, the job is yours. Trust me.

Chinese Cars

	“	Where did it go?	„
	, Buddhanate, YouTube

Egyptian cars

Take a 1970s Italian compact sedan, let the Russians improve it for 25 years and then let the Egyptians build it. You know, I've never had a joke write itself before...ORLY?

French cars

Small, cheap, easily made, utter shit, global platforms. Those are some terms used to describe French cars, like the Citroen and Peugeot lines. On top of making wretched little shitboxes that fall apart if you look at them funny, French car makers aren't smart enough to figure out that if you give your car the name "fuego" it probably shouldn't have a habit of catching fire. Renault is as bad, despite claiming to be good, they LIE! Your car will fall apart as you leave the Dealers.

German cars

They cost a shit load of money and are not worth it. However, you do get the satisfaction of looking cool and driving a car built with the blood and tears of a million Jews. The Germans always make good stuff, and are always looking for the most insane number of horsepower and top speed to shove into their $2,000,000 ~~FWD~~ RWD (always RWD!) ~~hatchbacks~~ coupes (~~only VW makes FWD hatchbacks,which also happen to be cheap and slow~~. Right, the GTI is slow, and the Phaeton is cheap. And Mercedes doesn't have the A-class, nor have they ever made any cheap cars in the past.~~Oh, and AUDI doesn't offer any FWD models. Fucking idiot.~~ Audi offers the A3, A4, A6, and TT in FWD. Try google before you call people out. Also the phaeton isn't a hatchback, but the GTI would indeed be cheap for a performance car. And Mercades build quality is cheap they just make you pay out the ass for them.

Only 1337 people drive them.
That nerd in high school you beat the living shit out of? He has five of them.
They give American cars a run for their money in falling apart. Generally, by catching up 10-15 years later.

Italian cars

Devilishly handsome good looks, speed, power and a fantastic noise; though they're almost certainly going to break before you get them off the dealer's lot. Alfa Romeos and Fiats are good examples of "shoddy craftsmanship". Fiat however must be noted as one that fails to learn from history, as it is currently in talks with the American Chrysler Corp and the European Opel (Which owns Vauxhall and is owned by General Motors) to BUY THEM OUTRIGHT. Fiat would single-handedly dominate the world market by the purchase of two near-defunct companies. No estimated values have been placed on the talks, though some argue it's upwards of $3.3 Billion USD.

Japanese Cars

Azns drive these, but only after painting them neon yellow, gluing on plastic body kits, and slapping a sticker with some moonspeak symbol on the hood. Asian drivers constitute the only group of people who defy the above compensation equations, etc., etc., and the joke writes itself. They are cheap, slow, and overrated.

Korean and Malaysian cars

Cheap does not equal cheerful here. They're shoddy, they wouldn't last as long as an Alfa Romeo 147 and they're painstakingly slow. The only benefit of owning a Korean or Malaysian car is the bottom line cost - they're cheaper than a pair of socks.

With these cars, and the price of fuel nowadays, it is usually more cost effective to just buy a new car, rather than fill up the tank of the old one. This coincides nicely with the fact that the car probably won't make it long enough to fill up the tank a second time anyway.

Mexican Cars

Really? Does this need to be explained? The only cars Mexicans can even call their own are the shitbuses they take over the border before big bad Border Patrol blows them to Kingdom Cum.

Russian cars

The Soviets never did make a car that could outrun a Ford. Unless you pronounce the car manufacturers by their acronym, their car will reach their 0-100 km/h mark, which should be around 1 hour before you finish. The brand names are also mindfuckingly long, for example UAZ actually means Ulyanovsky Avtomobilny Zavod and if you want a model, you're in bad luck: all their models are named in numbers rather than actual names. But then again, why would you buy a Russian made car anyway?

Spanish cars

Since Seat is owned by VW, no Spanish car exists. It's German.

Swedish cars

Aside from Saab and Volvo, they're impossible to spell but mindfuckingly fast.Mainly because they're built with German engines. Typical Swedish car features include:

Dihedral Synchro-Helix Doors
Auto-stopping
a Sweedish Meatball maker
Free Royksopp CD

Types of Cars

File:2010-ford-taurus-sho.jpg

The car That Thing There loves the most.

Convertibles

Convertibles are for the person who likes to show off his money. Most convertibles are purchased by old men in the midst of their mid-life crisis, or raging Homosexuals (see: the Mazda Miata or the VW New Beetle). They're stylish to be seen in, but you're not stylish if you own one.

Coupes

Coupes are cars for people who got to the dealership and had a big "wat" appear over their heads. They couldn't get a sedan because it was too boring, they couldn't afford a sports car, they thought that hatchbacks were too Eurotrashy, and convertibles were too gay, so they just got a two-door sedan. Coupes are basically the median point of the automotive world, and overall more desirable due to their sporty appearance. It should be said though, that a coupe has most of the same mechanical components from a boring sedan, and thus it will not always perform as good as it looks.

Electric/Hybrid Cars

"This car is electric! Literally!" FUNNY!

Electric vehicles, or EVs are vehicles that have no internal combustion engine. They more than likely require nothing more than good old electricity and have a metric ton of batteries inside of them. The most common on planet Earth; the Reva G-Wiz i, has the top speed of 30mp/h and can only go 40 miles or so on a full charge. They're expensive to run, and if you run out of power it takes between 8-12 hours to recharge. More often than not they're also unsafe, ugly, and simply dreadful to own. However, Tesla is certainly changing things up in California; basing their first creation- the Tesla Roadster- off of a Louts Elise, and giving it power to run faster than one. At a starting cost of $109,000, it had damn well better. At least nissan's making a car called the leaf which is about 4 times cheaper than the tesla and can go 100 miles on a single charge and has a top speed of about 65 mph. The only bad thing about it is that is loooks like a piece of shit.

Hybrid Cars are a bit of a different story. Sure they've got the electric power to get you going, but they've also got a normal gasoline/diesel/biofuel/USI engine to boot, giving you power and economy. This idea was perpetuated in the late 90s by Toyota, with their offering of the Prius. At the time there wasn't much efficiency to it, but in 2002 things changed and Prius II came along, and showed Greenpeace that hybrids were indeed cool. The Bush Crisis in Iraq happened, and the Prius was suddenly viewed more valuable than gold, alcohol, drugs and virginity all in one sitting. People in other offices caught word and Ford put out its two options, the SUV Escape and the ever-fun Fusion; both hybrids. Chrysler tried miserably and failed with its only offering, a mild-hybrid extra large luxury SUV, the Aspen Hybrid. The General tried its best with some mild-hybrid SUVs, and gave Saturn, its yuppie division, a hybrid sedan and compact SUVs; both were just renamed European models. The hybrid wars wage on, with Government Motors launching its electric-driven hybrid, the Chevy Volt in 2010, and Honda has begun to launch the Insight2.0 in 'murrica. Steer clear. Luxury companies like Lexus, Mercedes-Benz and BMW have their own ranges of hybrid vehicles, but again, steer clear. Hybrids are best suited towards a lot of stop and start city driving, and are not truly useful on highways. They are however, quite useful for looking like a complete tool.

Furries ruin cars

Hatchbacks/Station Wagons

Hatchbacks are favored by Europeans, liberals, and vegetarians, who like the fact that the back seats fold down to allow for lots of gay, pedophiliac sex and drug use. They also love that their hatchbacks get 500 kilometers to the liter, since they're all treehugging leftards. To maximize this economy, they drive ploddingly slow. This is called "hypermiling" or "being an inconsiderate jackass". Ironically, this kind of driving not only irritates everyone else, it causes those in less efficient cars to accelerate hard to get around the jerk, thus negating any overall fuel efficiency.

Station wagons were popular back in the good old days when people fucked like jackrabbits and had shitloads of kids. Thus, a large ass vehicle with a small block V8 was required to haul them around, after folding metal chairs were added, of course. Nowadays, 'wagons' are built mainly for single metrosexuals, and come with four cylinder engines.

Luxury Cars

Luxury is a mindset, and if your mind is fixated on caviar, dripping jewels and super models, you can't NOT be seen in a luxury car. Names like Mercedes-Benz, Bentley, Rolls-Royce, Cadillac, Lincoln, Lexus, and Infinity define the luxury world. Others include BMW, Audi and of course, Alfa-Romeo. Beauty, safety and convenience are things a luxury car are never without, as most can rub your balls with the push of a button. They are extremely expensive and have a lot of really unique features, always trimmed in wood, dead cow and fluffy carpets. There is a luxury hierarchy that must be followed, and it's proportionate to the window sticker's price tag. The more you spend, the more luxury you get, or so they make you think. Cars like the Lexus RX series; a largely popular over-sized and under-powered station wagon, are not truly luxurious, as their brand and high price suggest.

Motorcyles

Do you wish you were a torture technician but a little thing called the Geneva convention standing in your way? And Guantanamo Bay closing but you were too lazy to join the military anyway? And too lazy to live in Turkey or Egypt where torture is still legal? Well, there's the motorcycle. It's completely useless as a vehicle. You either have to eat bugs as you go or else wear a helmit and look like you never comb your hair. You can't carry anything you buy with it like even the smallest car can. And you're quite likely to get seriously injured from it. The only actual use of these things is for your vehicle to sound like weed-whacker while being 50 decibels louder than a 44 handgun, which after you've lived next to a neighbor that "repairs" motorcycles all day, sounds like a tiny firecracker going off in comparison. Motorcycles never have any mufflers ever and every single person that rides one will alter the tailpipe so it's as loud as possible. This of course doesn't keep them safe from accidents because the low frequency sound is non-directional so it sounds to other drivers like it's coming from all around them. Every single person who owns a motorcycle is guaranteed to spend at least an hour warming it up in the morning and will spend 100% of their free time revving it. Every motorcycle repairman who does his repairs in a residential neighborhood instead of a real shop will repair the mobile torture device not by changing parts, tuning things, or any realistic work but by simply revving it nonstop until this action magically fixes it.

Pickup Trucks

Pickups are known for their safety and innovation

The Pickup, or as 'murricans say, Truck, is an extremely inefficient, large, bulky vehicle that is ultimately an SUV with a separate, uncovered storage compartment behind the second row of seats. Pickup Trucks are most commonly sold in America, in developing nations, and in Australia called Utes^[Disputed]. Their primary function is to carry large, bulky objects; such as tools for building, fixing and mending and thus are desired mainly by the working class; ie: Mexicans, day laborers, and contractors. They were designed to be rugged, and were for many years, until SUVs came into the world.

The Pickup Truck became quite the pinnacle of luxury in the mid 2000s, when Cadillac released the Escalade EXT, a Chevy Avalanche styled to look like a standard Escalade. At a sale price of $68,000, the EXT was found in every episode of MTV's "Cribs" and was perhaps arguably the most ostentatious failure ever.

Sedans

Everyone and their mom owns a sedan. Sedans have four doors with a trunk. They can be expensive or cheap, slow or fast, but they all have some things in common: they're more boring than a sports car, less useful than a hatchback, and end up being worth less than a convertible when you go to sell it. Basically, the perfect car for pathetic failures. Sedans are the most common vehicle on the road.

Shitty Little Vehicles (aka. ATVs)

Chris Chandler bought a car and so can you.

Shitty Little Vehicles (ATVs). Now you may be wondering why is the acronym ATV and not SLV, well it's French or something and translated into English spelled out as Shitty Little Vehicle. These vehicles have no mufflers ever. They are louder than a garbage truck though not as loud as a motorcycle (which also have no mufflers ever). You cannot carry things you buy at a store on ATVs and you cannot drive them faster than a bicycle, which needs no refilling of gas and actually gets you excercise. Since ATVs are useless as vehicles, why do people ride these things? Sadism, pure and simple. They get in their ATVs in their rural properties and they ride them in a circle, back and forth, 16 hours a day. Boring as hell you might think, but inside the people are laughing at all the suffering they cause everyone by the sheer amount of noise and dust they make.

Aside from four and three wheeled ATVs, gas-powered golf-carts also fall under this classification of a Shitty Little Vehicle. A gas-powered golfcart is basically an ATV with a roof.

These things while larger than motorcycles, still tend to kill their driver just as much because firstly there's no helmit law for them and secondly they like to flip over a lot. Unfortunately, they do not kill their drivers often enough to promote proper Darwinism.

Sports Cars

Sports cars are primarily intended for people who wish that they were race car drivers but aren't skilled enough to drive a race car. Despite this, most sports cars get purchased by people who don't actually care about driving, but want to look like they spent a lot of money on their car, most commonly occurs with BMW ~~///M Cars,~~ M series indeed cost alot of money, although you're right about the people who drive them. the Mitsubishi EVO series and of course, the Ford Mustang. <-- WTF no.

SUV's

An SUV, or "Soft Utilitarian Vehicle", is a large boxy vehicle driven most commonly by rich, white-collar business criminals and Botox-filled soccer moms in the suburban sprawl. With their large V8 engines and all wheel drive, most would agree that these vehicles are best suited towards outdoorsy activities, like trailing or towing a boat; however, they are most commonly found at your local Wal-Mart in the handicapped parking space, loading up on bulk Chef Boyardee, fryer grease and cheap LCD TVs. The average McFatty Americunt finances their $52,000 "luxury" through a Jew, and thus it is not even owned by them. Famous SUVs include the Cadillac Escalade, Range Rover Sport HSE and of course, the Ford Exploder.

Tanks

Tanks are used to blow up indigenous villages and run over Chinese people when they get out of line.

Excellent for playing "war".
You need to get one.
Perfect for getting revenge on all those pinheads on the zoning board.
Use your tank to protect yourself from those Palestinian protesters throwing rocks.
DO IT NOW.

Vans

Vans (sometimes V&) come in two sizes: "mini" (your average American family; 3 kids and a dog) and "full-sized" (12 seats - great for the average Christian American family). Minivans are popular among moms who don't want to look like MILFs, and among Christian families who like to engage in family sing alongs on their way to church. Full-sized vans are also popular among - surprise! - pedophiles, plumbers and of course, the FBI. Vans will always have at least one insane person inside, likely in the back.

Driving Your Car

On Road Courtesy

Although Britney Spears would have you believe otherwise, shaving your head does not allow you to attempt to run over people, even if they are paparazzi with no souls. Although tempting, it is illegal to use your car to hit pedestrians. The reason for this is you may incur expensive panel damage to your car.

Once behind the wheel of a car, it is important to be courteous to other motorists. To avoid slowing traffic down and creating an accident, you should change lanes quickly and without looking or indicating. In fact the quicker you change lanes the better, ideally you should aim to change lanes so fast that the passengers in your car are unaware that it has happened. To do this effectively you should offer no warning and do no checks before violently snapping the steering wheel in the direction you want to go and snapping it back to level up, after this just act casual. If the car behind is upset with you apologise by giving them the (highway code approved) drivers sign. Open the window and hold up your fist with your middle finger showing. Then repeatedly slam on the brakes to indicate that you are sorry. Lastly, always try to have a good buzz going before you get behind the wheel, the roads can be stressful; why not loosen up for everyone else's sake?

Car Features

If your car has been purchased within the last few years it may come with a variety of modern innovative features.

Windows, where installed, are necessary to allow your passengers to easily bark at pedestrians for the lulz.
Race Signals, usually incorrectly called "Hazard Lights", are installed so you can communicate your intention to race a fellow motorist in a "Random Battle".
Indicators are fitted to both sides of your car, so that you are able to confuse fellow motorists, thus creating an opportunity to change lanes.
A stereo system may come fitted to allow you to draw attention to the fact that you like Drum N Bass
A handbrake is commonly misused as a "Parking Brake", but its real purpose is to allow a skilled driver to Drift

Transmission

Ability to operate a manual transmission or Tranny as they are affectionately known, is one of the key reasons men have ~~larger brains~~ larger and better brains than women. It should be noted that most Americunts CANNOT use cars that have manual transmissions, as it is beyond their brain capacity to push down with one foot while simultaniously moving a gear stick at the same time.

How To Drive A Manual Transmission

1. Wait For Traffic Light To Turn to green.
2. Depress clutch and shift into first gear.
3. Push accelerator completely in, and hold at maximum engine revs so VTEC KICKS IN!!11!
4. Release handbrake and clutch.
5. Troll other motorists for lulz with your tire smoke.
6. Piss off Al Gore with your tyre smoke.
7. Win

How To Drive An Automatic Transmission

1. Turn on car
2. Put into gear
3. Get to destination feeling relaxed and pampered
4. Put in park
5. Turn off car, and look smug.
6. Incur massive repair expenses.

Featured article October 4, 2005
Preceded by Dinosaur	Lincoln Continental	Succeeded by I did it for the lulz

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