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Columbine
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Columbine High school was basically the funniest thing that has ever happened in any high school, ever. On April 20th 1999, in Littleton, Colorado, American heroes Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, got a huge number of frags IRL at their local high school. Originally they planned on blowing up the cafeteria during lunch time, but their propane bombs failed and they ended up rushing into the school, killing people left and right before turning their guns on themselves, becoming an heroes. Their total kill count was 13, an impressive score given how their fancy ass bombs turned out to be duds, and were elevated to "WORST PEOPLE OF 1999" posthumously, for the most violent high school shooting spree.
A title, we must add, they held for nearly a decade before a gook killed nearly 30 people at Virginia Tech in 2007. Though Eric and Dylan still hold high score for high school shooting.
In the weeks after their killing spree and becoming an heroes, massive witchhunts were held as trolls, goths, musicians, movies, television shows, and anyone not amongst the exclusive ranks of "The Beautiful People" were rounded up and taken to prison camps as the need to scapegoat anyone for the crimes led to America being whipped up into a frenzy of anti-lulz.
History
On April 20th (coincidentally Hitler's birthday) Eric Harris, a teenage sociopath who dreamed of murder and murder and murder and murder, and his butt-buddy, the spinelessly emo Dylan Klebold, decided to go on a killing spree after spending an entire year planning it out, building bombs, buying guns, making movies and writing stories declaring their plans while KMFDM played in the background, and even practicing their killing spree on various first-person shooter games. However they phailed hard because, on their $5 per hour pay they could only afford shit tier guns and not the TACTICOOL DEAGLEs or P-90s that they fapped over.
They really hated Marylin Manson and his music, an irony since Manson took part of the blame because angry parents mistakenly believed that the two fags loved his music. They also hated Hitler, or at least Klebold did. Harris meanwhile admired both Hitler AND Osama Bin Ladin, with Harris regularly IMing Bin Ladin and telling him all about the various mass murder schemes that Harris dreamed up at night while masturbating to crime scene photos he downloaded off of the internet. Most notably, Harris is the one who gave Osama the idea of flying planes into buildings, making Eric Harris the REAL man behind 9-11. Even more interesting was that he was a Jew. In addition, Klebold was born on 9/11. No, srsly. Coincidence?
Afterwords, EVERYONE who loved to censor society felt the need to blame just about everything in pop culture as the cause of the killing spree. Others tried to blame the Victim, by bringing up the fact that Columbine High School was a literal hell on Earth where a violent Jockocracy ruled by the worst of the worst of the school's student athletes and the school's asskissing teachers/administrators allowed bullying to run rampant and were just asking for their students to take up arms and literally, take the school back in violent revolution taken straight out of the history book's tales of the American Revolution.
Of course, at the time it was unknown that Eric Harris was a complete and total sociopath who would have grown up to be a serial killer or the guy in the Marines who goes insane in the field killing Iraqis and has to be put down by his fellow soldiers. Or that his lover, Dylan Klebold, was a closet homosexual who let Eric fuck him in the ass and followed him with his plot, with Eric manipulating Dylan's emo-ness.
TL;DR:
In Littleton, Colorado born and raised Making pipebombs was where I spent most of my days Luvoxin' out Doomin' KMFDMin' all gay And all settin' some time bombs outside of the school When a couple of jocks Who were up to no good Started making fun of the way I dressed I shot 18 kids and the cops got scared, They said "You're movin' with Ted Bundy and Jeff Dahmer in prison!" I called for the cops and when they came near The license plate said jocks and it had footballs in the mirror If anything I can say this car was rare But I thought "Now forget it" - "Yo ReB, to the commons!" I pulled up to the school about 10 or 11 And I yelled to the cops "Natural Selection" I looked at my high school I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Counter-Strike irl.
Columbine was ruled for years as the deadliest School Shooting evar, until it was surpassed by the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007. Of course, Virginia Tech is a college (and was committed by an Asian), so some argue that Columbine is still number one even though it took two people to kill 13, and even then, centered around a bunch of bombs that weren't built right and didn't fucking go off.
Controversy
Some argue that Eric and Dylan were lovers and that Jews did Columbine or that Dylan just fell mugu to Eric's plan. What is funny about this though, is the fact that Dylan and Eric were actually part of a Jewish power movement bent on exterminating non-Jews, causing much lulz to people smart enough to research things. This also made the gods of irony cum instantly upon hearing the "Friends of Rachael Club" say that Eric and Dylan were "Hitler worshipers". lol. This picture, however, proves that they were homosexuals.
In one of their videos (having previously featured a member of staff from the school), the boys proclaim themselves to be the white knights of those abused at the school by jo-cockery, suggesting they would be targeting specific types for eradication. When the day finally arrived and the shooting began, it appears the ultra surge of orgasmic, delirium-inducing adrenaline pulsing through their minds took over, and they began shooting randomly, indicating a potential epic fail with regards to the mission objective. The boys did not have the bomb. They did, however, have an example of why terrorists should test DIY bombs prior to putting them into service when using the anarchists cookbook as primary reference material. The selection of a none target specific weapon forms a second disparity with their white knight videos.
Friends of Rachael Club
Rachael was some stupid cunt who made the mistake of eating outside the front door of Columbine High School the day of the pwnage. She caught a few dozen rounds in the tits and died. This caused many Christfag family members to instantly bawwww over the loss of their little girl (also known as Missing white woman syndrome). They then decided to market her. They said that "she envisioned changing the world" and that in her bullet ridden notebook she drew a picture of a plant crying "9 tears". Those "9 tears" were apparently a psychic vision made by the dead bitch. So the hillbilly fucks started a group/way to make money from the death of a family member, called the "friends of Rachael club". Basically they troll the hallways of high schools asking people to be nice to random wapanese and animefags and asking for donations. Only fat losers, cunts with no boy friends, furries, and dykes are in the friends of Rachael club. To sell the groups image they had a random hick they paid in moonshine say he was Rachael’s uncle, and that Eric and Dylan were Nazis . When he said this, schools everywhere then shat bricks and exclaimed in the genius fashion that only high schoolers can achieve, "HITLER IS BAD!!!1ONEONEONE" Many other students then responded by closing the pool and forming 8 man swastigets.
tl;dr Rachael got owned and family is butthurt.
Cassie Bernall
Urban legend has it that one of their victims, a girl named Cassie, was reading a Bible in study hall when the two stormed in and started trolling IRL. The less socially awkward boy noticed this and allegedly asked her, "Do you believe in God?" to which she answered "yes" and was beaten to death with a crowbar. IRL none of this actually happened, as he simply shot her since she was cowering like a bitch. The last person to see her alive said that her last words were "Dear God. Dear God. Why is this happening? I just want to go home," one of the whiniest things heard by man, so the shooter was obligated to shoot her. Her parents have since milked the story to make lots of money as neither of them have a conscience. She has since become a hero to the cult of Christianity.
People try to use Cassie's death as a way to prove the so-called oppression of the Christians in today's society, forgetting the rest of the godless heathens who were shot up that day. PROTIP: They all fucking deserved it.
Until, of course, you point out to them that no one asked Cassie a goddamned thing and that the question was really directed at another girl, Valeen Schnurr (who lived through the massacre, but didn't get the credit due to her incredibly stupid-sounding name). Survivors are nowhere near as marketable as corpses.
JO MAMMA!
Eric Harris, when he wasn't building bombs or fucking his boyfriend or dreaming up new ways to kill people over IRC with Osama Bin Ladin, had a number of webpages, where he pioneered the anti-joke, mirrored here.
Prime selections:
JO mamma's kitchen lights are SO bright that you can see grease, dust, or any other bad thing in need of seeing.....JJJEEAAAA!!!!!!!!!
JO mamma sees so many stray dogs in her neighborhood that she talks the humans society a lot.....JJJEAAAAA
Jo mamma likes cheesecake so much that she make a pretty good one herself!....whenever she wants!......one......JEEEYAAAAA!!!
Jo mamma has said the word carrot so many times, that she is very good at pronouncing it! JEEEEYAAAAA!!!''
Insults done by REB, VoDkA, and KiBBz.
Badass.
OMG there's an RPG!!!
Released on the anniversary of the Columbine Massacre in 2005, Super Columbine Massacre RPG was an instant internet success, causing epic levels of butthurt and win. The game can be found here.
Moar info: Super Columbine Massacre RPG.
Gallery
See Also
- Defense Industries Organization
- Dillon Cossey
- Kimveer Gill
- Matthew Murray
- Murder
- Suicide
- ZDaemon
- Super Columbine Massacre RPG
- Virginia Tech shootings massacre
- Natural Selection (game)
External Links
- Some verbal diarrhea in written form.
- Eric's Doom WADs (said to be srsly lame but bloody) and some Quake stuff (only the readmes thar, awww, noes!)
- Amazon supports this Exploitation site - Site has some good media, a lot of whining, and more disinformation.
- LOL fanbois
- Proof Jews did Columbine
- First and best movie treatment so far.
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Columbine is part of a series on GOTH [Embrace your inner darkness] |
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Columbine |
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| Featured article April 20, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by Manhunt |
Columbine | Succeeded by Manhunt |