Godzilla

Still a better kisser than you.

The living embodiment of badassery, ladies and gentlemen.

	“	If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a giant dinosaur that sucks fire from buildings, repairs a destroyed city, and moonwalks back into the ocean	„
	— Teh Internetz

Godzilla (or Gojira as everybody's favorite basement dwelling Asians call him) is the King of the Monsters, and the undisputed legendary ruler of you, your mom, and everything awesome in your pitiful existence on this shitty planet. He was created by a bunch of wrinkly PTSD Japs because a bunch of Americunts pwned the shit out of a country that would later be known for turning boys into manchildren and the production of Hentai. He then went on to fight a whole batch of retarded monsters that were clearly made on the budget of a pack of ramen in about three minutes. After 60 years, he is still known for kicking some major ass, and is now famous again for starring in a movie (for a whole two fucking minutes!!!!11) where he enjoys decapitating a giant parasitic spider bitch for the lulz.

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Movies

Godzilla has starred in 29 movies, because Toho knows if they try to do anything else aside from having a bunch of faggots dress up in rubber suits beating the shit out of each other, they will totally suck ass at it. No, we are not including the 1998 abortion, because of reasons every other fantard nerd on the internet had stated. For some reason, American distributing companies just DON'T WANT THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE TO HAVE THE SAME GODDAMN TITLE.

Godzilla, making Japanese taxpayer money go straight down the crapper since 1954!

Gojira (1954) aka Godzilla: King of the Monsters (1956) - The original that started the whole shitstorm. After getting #rekt by the Jewnited States of Americunts, a bunch of hacks decided to rip off The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms in order to get across a message the Cold War was already proving for them. It stars a a giant dinosaur coming out of his underwater lair to serve up some nice, crispy Asian meat because he's awake and pissed. He is indestructible until an emo scientist makes a bathtub toy that destroys oxygen. After he kills himself, everybody and their mother cries.

Godzilla Raids Again aka Gigantis the Fire Monster (1955) - Aside from a ridiculous and laughable U.S. title change, due to a complete retard, the movie is known for having Godzilla's first enemy to fight. A giant, spiked armadillo named Anguirus, who fights Godzilla because he said something about his mom. Godzilla then gets buried in an ice avalanche thanks to a bunch of jets, only to break out seven years later to fight another asshole.

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962) - The only cinematic crossover fight that doesn't suck dragon cock. After growing ten times in size and getting a makeover that makes him look nothing like the original gorilla, everybody's favorite horny primate wants to fight a fire breathing behemoth (good luck with that...) Kong gets completely owned until he suddenly gains the ability to generate electricity in his palms, and they both fall into the ocean. Kong emerges, supposedly victorious, only for any reasonable person to figure out Godzilla is going to drag him underwater and literally make a bloodbath out of him. Contrary to popular belief, the deleted scene where Kong attacks Godzilla by flicking his own shit at him has not been discovered yet.

Mothra vs. Godzilla aka Godzilla vs. the Thing (1964) - Before 2014, this was probably the only movie of the franchise most people knew about. Again, our brilliant title changers decided to rename the film in America to make what Godzilla fights seem like a mystery, despite the fact that THEY ACTUALLY SHOWED MOTHRA'S EGG IN THE TRAILER. After waking up from the ground, Godzilla fucks shit up, and then another greedy capitalist decides to kidnap two midget lesbian fairies who happen to be guarding a giant egg. Before our favorite kaiju can have himself a nice omelette for breakfast, Mothra shows up, farts poisonous orange gas in his face, then gets squashed like a pest (how fitting). Her two larvae babies hatch, spray Godzilla with their silk, and he falls into the ocean, only defeated because he couldn't get himself some nice food for his morning. It's fun but bullshit.

Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster aka Ghidrah the Three-Headed Monster (1964) - Some hot princess gets possessed by Martians to warn people about a giant three headed dragon that destroyed their civilization. Unfortunately for them, a lot of people want to kill this broad. So, the dumb asses shoulda picked somebody less hated to spew their bullshit. The government gets the fairies to call upon the last surviving Mothra larvae to fight a flying, golden, giant triple-headed dragon that breathes lightning, thus proving the "saying all Japanese people are geniuses" isn't exactly true. Godzilla comes back from the ocean and gets into a fight with a giant pteranadon named, Rodan, because apparently the daikaiju population has some real anger issues. Mothra comes to recruit them for their fight, and, as any sensible monster would react, they tell her to piss off. Then they change their minds, whoop Ghidorah's ass and he retreats. The whole universe is saved. Until Planet X came along with all their nonsense.

Here, Godzilla tells all of you to shut the fuck up, because constantly being awakened to take care of all of humanity's shitstorm messes deserves a decent victory nap.

Invasion of the Astro Monster aka Godzilla vs. Monster Zero aka Monster Zero (1965) - For this one, the title changers were clearly trolling us, knowing they could get away with confusing us like crazy, until Google came along. This is the first Godzilla film where a wigger stars as a character, regardless of what version you watch. It's the only Godzilla film as of now that is set in space, NO TREKIES, THIS CAME FIRST! A bunch of scientists discover a new planet, but before committing their usual genocide against the indigenous population, they are attacked by King Ghidorah. They are offered a cure for cancer by an underground species of aliens with televisions for heads, in return for bringing Godzilla and Rodan to Planet X to kick the shit out of Ghidorah again. After the human's end of the deal is done, they get bent over and sodomized hard by the spacemen as they place Godzilla, Rodan, and King Ghidorah under mind control to take over the world. After failing to get some nice alien pussy, the cracker helps destroy the mind control of the monsters, and all three of them fall into the sea. The world is saved, but the cure for cancer is lost, thanks Obama. Godzilla only appears for FIVE MINUTES in this film, but he does his legendary dance, which made it necessary for gifs to be invented 30 years later.

Ebirah: Horror of the Deep aka Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1966) - Godzilla faces off against a Giant enemy crab. When looking for his lost brother, a bunch of teenagers prove natural selection is still hard at work, and steal the boat of an armed criminal. After losing all his loot from a bank robbery in a storm, the criminal joins with our stranded teenagers, as they fight to stay alive on an island. They find a bunch of terrorists there, who want to nuke it all from space, and befriend a hot native girl. After the routine gang bang everybody expects, they find Godzilla in a cave, wake him up, and he fights against a mutant lobster that has anybody trying to escape the island for lunch. Godzilla plays volleyball with Ebirah, only to lose, and breath fire on his crotch. With the help of lemons, the teenagers cause the terrorist to get pwned by their own crab, and Godzilla defeats the sea monster by pulling off both his claws. Then Mothra shows up, and takes everybody home before the entire island blows the fuck up. Since after credits gags did not exist when this film was made, Toho never got around to filming the planned scene where Godzilla has some nice surf and turf. Though Godzilla does have a thing for the woman of this flick for a few seconds, so perhaps a scene or two of bestiality was cut somewhere before it was released.

You bet your ass these children are going places!

Son of Godzilla (1967) - After facing spiked armadillos, giant apes, insects, three-headed dragons, and mutant lobsters, the King of the Monsters faces his ultimate challenge!...FATHERHOOD! With a title such as Son of Godzilla, you better know what you are getting into. You are going to enter a world of lulz where humanity is trying to fuck with the weather by making it snow on another island, but you don't give a shit about that, because you are too distracted by Godzilla's freak of a kid, Minilla. Minilla is most likely a shaved mole born with down syndrome, and his father shows him the proper respect he deserves, by slamming him with his tail and walking away from his newborn. Though Godzilla later learns to love the little retard, and helps him breathe fire, and fight monsters, as he slowly sleeps his way into depression, knowing Minilla has no chance in hell of continuing the title as the King of the Monsters. After getting his ass-kicked by a giant spider, Minilla is saved by Godzilla, but then they both gain their energy, and blow the arachnads off the arachnid. When the snow sets in thanks to the weather experiment, Godzilla hugs his accident, and they both have a nice nap in the snow. It is never revealed who the mother is, and frankly, that's for the best.

Destroy All Monsters (1968) - The film that was supposed to end the entire franchise (yeah...right...) In the year 1999, humanity has been able to contain all the monsters on just one island, named "Monster Island" (originality is clearly not a priority for the United Nations at this time). As usual, a bunch of aliens come to Earth with King Ghidorah to fuck us over, and place all the monsters under mind control, because it worked so well the first time! The humans come along, destroy the mind thingamabob, and Ghidorah, like a complete moronic fucktard, faces of against seven monsters, not realizing he got his ass kicked BY JUST TWO. Ghidorah fails so hard, even Minilla is able to choke the bitch up with his rings of fire, as Godzilla and his buddies help put him in the ground once and for all. This is the greatest wet dream any daikaiju fan can possibly imagine, until they realize almost half of the monsters featured in the film make cameos that last for seven seconds at most.

All Monsters Attack aka Godzilla's Revenge (1969) - Unless you go down on your nostalgia, or are a complete Japanese fanboy, this is clearly the worst thing to ever be shat out of the franchise. A little autist is a fan of Godzilla, so he imagines himself going on a journey to Monster Island, to escape from his simple, yet seemingly peaceful life, as his parents are barely around due to work, and he talks to an elderly eccentric toy-making guru, who is surprisingly less creepy than your average pedorass. He does have bullies, but he unfortunately has yet to grow some testicles to stand up to a bunch of other autists, whom apparently have nothing better to do than swindle a little kid out of his shiny trinkets. On his journey to Monster Island he makes friends with Minilla, who sounds even more retarded then he looks, and as you consider why the little kid would want to be best friends with Godzilla's down syndrome-stricken kid, (when there are plenty of other monsters to choose from!) you see nothing but stock footage. 80% of the battles are copied and pasted directly from Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster and Son of Godzilla. As lazy as it is, it still has more effort than anything Video Brinquedo has made. However, there are some new fights with a monster named Gabarra, who is actually a secret hero as he constantly beats the shit of out Godzilla's kid. After teaching his son to conquers fears (aka going on suicide missions, facing a monster twice his size with barely any effective powers for him to use), Godzilla and Minilla kick Gabarra's ass, and then the boy returns to reality, where he does the same to the leader of the bullies in a scene that was too cheap to actually be shot in full motion. He then honks the horn of a motorcycle, and the owner of it, a painter, gets into a bad accident, and the boy immediately apologizes to his dad. He and his friends laugh into the streets of Tokyo, as the little crotch dumplings watching this shit are unaware the boy is about to face one hell of a beating. And as anybody with a brain has pointed out, distributors...who the fuck did he get revenge on?

Godzilla vs. Hedorah aka Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster (1971) - The result of getting a bunch of hippies high on LSD and giving them the budget to make a monster movie. Which is probably the same as their monthly welfare checks. Here, attention whoring environmentalists decided they weren't ruining enough awesome stuff in the late 20th century, so they decided to fuck up the King of the Monsters a little bit. Quite literally, a giant turd feeds off of pollution, and changes his shape and powers to fight Godzilla, who apparently is so desperate for a monster brawl, he's following the advice of CAAAAPTAAAAIN PLAAAAANEEEET! Hedorah responds by using his almighty turd powers to give Godzilla a sting, then dumps the poor guy into a hole, and uses him as his own toilet. Godzilla then gets back up, and uses electricity to disembowel the polluted abomination. Bottom line, they should have called it Godzilla vs. the Great Mighty Poo, directed by Al Gore. If libtards wanna fight against cuntservaturds, it's best to leave Godzilla out of it.

Lo and behold, the reason why the internet had to be invented.

Godzilla vs. Gigan aka Godzilla on Monster Island (1972) - The title changers clearly had a lobotomy before naming this. Because throughout the whole movie, even including scenes WITHOUT GODZILLA, you see Monster Island for ONLY A FEW SECONDS. For this one, either Toho was trying to troll us and succeeded, or tried to make something more for adults and failed. Cockroaches from outer space build an amusement park, with their main attraction being a statue of Godzilla that be firin' it's lazaaaah. Meanwhile, a comic book writer, who sucks hard at creating villains, investigates the shady shit going on at the park, and then joins with some more losers to see Godzilla join up with Anguirus to kick the crap out of Gigan and King Ghidorah. Gigan is basically a mutant galactic chicken that shoots lasers from his one red eye, has a buzzsaw on his stomach, has claws for hands, and sounds like that noise when you reach your high and have nasty gas at the same time. Anguirus deliberately runs into Gigan's buzzsaw like a stupid shit, and the statue starts to own Godzilla, until our heroes blow it to fuck. Then Gigan and Ghidorah get their asses kicked even harder and retreat. It definitely sounds like a kids movie at first, but what you don't know is that there is a ton of bloodshed and swearing throughout the film. But hey, it shuts your kids up, so who's complaining? Oh, and for the record, Godzilla and Anguirus talk. Their voices sound like Lady Gaga high on weed, playing with a tape recorder.

Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973) - Through some miracle, the series got better by getting more ridiculous. A bunch of underground KKK chicks lead by a hairy Freddie Mercury in a toga get pissed at civilization above the surface because they're keeping them up with their nuclear bomb tests. Instead of telling the homo sapiens to please STFU, they send a giant cockroach with drills for hands that spits fire bombs, and fires electric lasers to kill everything. Meanwhile, two teenagers build a knock-off Ultraman named Jet Jaguar (probably by obtaining illegal funds), and he goes to recruit Godzilla by playing charades. The two join together, as Gigan joins Megalon in the gayest and most amazing fight of the millennium (take THAT Vietnam!) The final battle is the closest thing humanity can get to reconstructing the meaning of life. In the finishing move against Megalon, Godzilla slides on his tail, and kicks Megalon twice as Jet Jaguar holds the bug in place. In other words, its the greatest thing ever to come out of the art of EPIC WIN. Then, the Jet Jaguar song plays at the end. It's to make sure you didn't forget you just watched the best movie ever made.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974) - Godzilla faces off against a robotic version of himself, that basically inspired every mecha in future anime. An old man predicts a prophecy involving a giant mountain, a red sun, and monsters. No people, he was sober when he said that. A bunch of humans discover that space chimps from space are disguising a robotic titan of death as the real Godzilla. Yes, folks this is a better Planet of the Apes movie than Tim Burton's. Naturally, the King of the Monsters won't take any of this shit, so he lets himself get hit by lightning and transformers into a magnet. He then partners up with a lion god who gets his ass kicked by Mechagodzilla. Then Godzilla lures Mechagodzilla with his magnetic powers, takes him from behind, and twists his head off before the entire robot explodes. King Caesar then goes back to sleep, hoping he will never hear anymore annoying-ass songs from mystical Asian babes. Our race is blessed to have crap like this to enjoy.

Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975) -

Trivia

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