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Nautica Malone
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Nautica Thaddeus Furches Malone, (the 2025 winnar of our Golden iPod) was a horny black guy who didn't have the spare change for an inner city prostitute and decided that it would be better if he performed a drive-by masturbation at a bikini coffee place clearly named Bikini Beans, in Arizona.
After realizing that he seriously fucked up when the Barista working at the coffee shop intelegently realized that justice would be better served by posting the video that she made of Malone only wearing a hoodie and rubbing the bark off of his tree on the Internets.
Deciding that it would make more sense to be known by his friends, family, neighbors and his children's classmates as that Sick fuck that was caught playing pocket pool in his car and An heroed 3 days after the video went viral, Nautica Malone chose to part his hair with a .38 in an empty parking lot in Goodyear, Arizone. The embaressment and shame made him incable of doing what most rational people that felt the itch and had to scratch it in public would do. Most would change their name, move to a new city, in a new country that doesn't have the internet such as a jungle village in the deepest parts of Africa. France would have made for another good choice because those Frogs lack the discipline to not give into their primal urges and will even fuck or shit on the streets as people watch.
Evolutionary biologists like to refer to the French as the White Monkey because of their smaller brains and lack of self-control when compared to superior races like those decended from Germanic people and Scandanavians.
Nautica has been nicknamed the Goonlord by his fans and became a martyr to gooners everywhere.
This event which occurred on January 8th, 2025, has been referred to as the "Drive-Thru Goonicide" as it is generally agreed upon by his family and fans that those Bikini Bitches and their perky tits were the ones that drove Malone to suicide when it was decided to Wank Shame him by posting the video of him taming the beast on the internet because he An heroed a mere 3 day later on January 11, 2025.
The Gooneral
On January 26, his admirers decided to host his gooneral (portmanteau of "gooner" and "funeral") outside of the location where he became internet famous in the hopes of shaming the coffee shop's employees by accusing them of purposely causing the death of a 27-year-old public Masturbater that still had his whole life ahead of him.
Malone's Gooneral was advertised by his fans with a poster that read, "Nautica Malone was a kind-hearted individual and a beloved fellow gooner, whose memory will be celebrated and never forgotten," who were looking to justify Malone's action of showing his worm to the Barista
Police reports claim that Pornography was being shown at this event designed to celebrate Nautica Malone's act of defiance against Sexual Mores, Norms and Morality. Fearing that a 2nd event of making the fireman spit might occur, but this time with a large number of people, police shut down the Gooners wake 20 minutes after it had started.
In classic evasion and avoiding the fact that Malone had an Imaginary Lover that he liked to take out for coffee, his family described him in his obituary as a devoted husband, a good father and a man that was faithful to his job.
Bikini Beans, on the other hand, gave generic condolences and reminded the public that the Goonlord chose to commit a disgusting crime that should be done in the privacy of his bathroom with the Victoria's Secret site opened up on their phone rather then in his car and at one of their locations for everyone to see. Bikini Beans went on to reiterate the fact that they are commited to providing a psychologically safe and healthy work enviroment for their wannabe Hooters girls that are only valued for their airbags.
Like most Black People, Nautica's mother blames the barista and demands that she be brought to justice. Like the majority of blacks, the second an attorney offers free representaion and the promise of a big settelment for half of the awarded damages, we will have another frivolous lawsuit clogging up our courts.
Nautica Malone's Suicide Note
"I apologize. I love you queen. I made a mistake and I don’t think I’ll be able to face you and the babies. I don’t know why I drove though like that. My mental has been f****d up. I am not a monster. I apologize and I love you forever ♥️♥️ if I am in critical condition please pull the plug. To all my family and friends I love you and I’m so sorry. I love my kids and family. Please forgive me."
And The Libtards Weigh In
Your over educated, sensitive and Woke Libtards that you will find safely hiding themselves away in the rafters of university offices are claiming that the Barista's posting of the Malone video acts as evidence of how diseased our society has become because we are not embracing the ideas that Transgender males are real women, children should be allowed to have Sex with adults when they're 11 or that we all have a Fursona locked deep inside us and the only way that society will improve is when we gather to make a giant furpile and yiff our brains out.
Our great intelects trying to brainwash susceptible students claim that this foul and Evil behavior of wanting to see someone humiliated on the internet has been unconsciously taught to us by the Conservative mindset that teaches that a person must face the harshest punishment for any indiscretion. They also complain that this conservative demand for Draconian punishment is reinforced by the wading through hours and hours of nutshot, depantsing or school bus fight videos that are posted with the humilation of a person in mind. Most often, when given with an opportunity to post a video as scandalous as that of the Goonlord's that the person with the video will lose all sense of their identity and fall into a group think that has them thinking like a Christorian zombie and believe that it must be done because they have lost all sense of theirselves to the one huge, internet entity that spends very little time thinking about how posting such a video might hurt their feelings or affect that person's self respect because it has become almost reflexive, a Skinner Box Mentality as people have become society has become addicted to receiving the intangible reward of receiving Social Media Likes.
Much like Godwin's Law that states that the longer a discussion lasts, the more likely it is that Hitler and Nazis will be used in some way by the Dumb-ass that can't seem to gain ground because they lack real knowledge in politics and rely only on pamphlets that are handed out on College Capuses. Just as easily predictable as Godwin's law and stupid people, Orwell and the Orwellian State is being brought up to defend The Lord Of Wank by using the over used and weak sauce argument that the internet and the uploading of humiliating videos serve as a societal control that suggests that, to fight against such internet dictatorship, a woman should have to watch a Black Man polish his knob and do nothing but watch him until he cums and cheer him on while he strokes away.
As expected, your West Coast psychologists and philosophers argue, predictably, that Malone was sick in his pubic hair covered head. That it was Porn addiction and scenaries that are written about in magazines and shown in pornographic movies and shorts portraying this same event that made him go monkey and drove him to do what he did. They claim that he was a mentally ill man, suffering from the effects of porn addiction that should be held tightly in the lap of a Sissy, Sesame Street society and be allowed to suck on his and your thumb while being allowed to fap all he wants, wherever he wants and not be tried by the public jury. They claim that this idea for vengeance and public punishment comes from Puritan and Victorian age ideas on crime and punishment that have been seeded deep into our minds and collective souls by presidents such as Our God Emperor Trump. These eggheads that are always begging for government grants and write their papers based on how the political party that is funding them thinks, say that this is what drives people to post these awful videos.
And vengeance, they say, is what this Barista was after. Your intelligent few claim that because that this Barista, that probably has more Boobs than brains, never revealed her name and acted Anonymously is proof of her desire to seek puunishment through the use of public humilation. By remaing anonymous, our alleged top 2% have said that the Barista saw herself as an Executioner that gets to hide under a grotesque, iron mask and can laugh her ass off as she pulls the lever that drops the condemned on the gallows without no one noticing.
Videos
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Gallery
JUSTICE FOR NAUTICA!
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See Also
External Links
- Arizona Man Dies by Suicide After Backlash to Video of Him With Pants Down at Café Drive-Thru
- Vigil Held for ‘Goonlord’ Who Died by Suicide After Exposing Himself at Bikini Cafe Drive-Thru
Drive-Thru Goonicide- The Gooneral
- I Can't Goon
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Nautica Malone is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |
| Nautica Malone is part of a series on Dying Alone
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| Featured article January 6 & 7 2026 | ||
| Preceded by Serial Experiments Lain |
Nautica Malone | Succeeded by TBA |