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Nautica Malone
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Nautica Thaddeus Furches Malone, (the 2025 winnar of our Golden iPod) was a horny black guy who didn't have the spare change for an inner city prostitute and decided that it would be better if he performed a drive-by masturbation at a bikini coffee place clearly named Bikini Beans, in Arizona.
After realizing that he seriously fucked up when the manager of the coffee shop intelegently realized that justice would be better served by posting the video that he made of Malone rubbing the bark off of his tree on the Internets.
Deciding that is would make more sense to be known by his friends, family, neighbors and his children's classmates as that Sick fuck that was caught playing pocket pool in his car and An heroed 3 days after the video went viral by parting his hair with a .38 in an empty parking lot in Goodyear, Arizone. The embaressment and shame made him incable of doing what most rational people that felt the itch and had to scratch it in public would do. That would be changing their name, moving to a new city, in a new country, that doesn't have the internet such as a jungle village in the deepest parts of Africa. France would have made for a good choice too because those Frogs lack the discipline to not give into their primal urges and will even fuck or shit on the streets.
Evolutionary biologists like to refer to the French as the White Monkey because of their smaller brains and lack of self-control when compared to superior races like those decended from Germanic people and Scandanavians.
Nautica has been nicknamed the Goonlord and became a martyr to gooners everywhere. He is goon but not forgotten.
This event which occurred on January 8th, 2025, has been referred to as the "Drive-Thru Goonicide" as it is generally agreed upon by his family and fans that those Bikini Bitches and their perky tits were the ones that drove Malone to suicide when they chose to Wank Shame him by posting the video of him taming the beast on the internet because he An heroed a mere 3 day later on January 11, 2025.
The Gooneral
On January 26, his admirers decided to host his gooneral (portmanteau of "gooner" and "funeral") outside of the location where he became internet famous in the hopes of shaming the coffee shop's employees by accusing them of purposely causing the death of a 27-year-old public Masturbater that still had his whole life ahead of him.
Malone's Gooneral was advertised with a poster that read, "Nautica Malone was a kind-hearted individual and a beloved fellow gooner, whose memory will be celebrated and never forgotten".
Police reports claim that Pornography was being shown at this event designed to celebrate Nautica Malone's act of defiance against Sexual Mores, Norms and Morality. Fearing that a 2nd event of making the fireman spit might occur, but this time with a large number of people, police shut down the Gooners wake 20 minutes after it started.
In classic evasion and avoiding the fact that Malone had an Imaginary Lover that he liked to take out for coffee, his family described him in his obituary as a devoted husband, a good father and a man that was faithful to his job.
Bikini Beans, on the other hand, gave generic condolences and reminded the public that the Goonlord chose to commit a crime at one of their locations and reiterated the fact that they are commited to providing a psychologically safe and healthy work enviroment for their wannabe Hooters girls that are only valued for their airbags.
Nautica Malone's Suicide Note
"I apologize. I love you queen. I made a mistake and I don’t think I’ll be able to face you and the babies. I don’t know why I drove though like that. My mental has been f****d up. I am not a monster. I apologize and I love you forever ♥️♥️ if I am in critical condition please pull the plug. To all my family and friends I love you and I’m so sorry. I love my kids and family. Please forgive me."
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JUSTICE FOR NAUTICA!
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See Also
External Links
- Arizona Man Dies by Suicide After Backlash to Video of Him With Pants Down at Café Drive-Thru
- Vigil Held for ‘Goonlord’ Who Died by Suicide After Exposing Himself at Bikini Cafe Drive-Thru
Drive-Thru Goonicide- The Gooneral
- I Can't Goon
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Nautica Malone is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |
| Nautica Malone is part of a series on Dying Alone
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BLACK FACE contempo ♠ Lynching ♠ NO NIGGERS ♠ Rwandan Genocide ♠ Slavery (see also Nigger Manual) ♠ Vintage Black Americana | |
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ADOS ♠ AIDS ♠ All The Niggers Are Dead ♠ Black People Love Us! ♠ Chocolate Rain ♠ Computer Science III ♠ Culexor ♠ Gay Nigger Association of America ♠ ISWAP ♠ Kwanzaa ♠ NAACP ♠ P.A. Palace ♠ Sheeeit ♠ There are no niggers on the Internet ♠ Unemployment ♠ and Welfare | |
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A. Wyatt Mann ♠ Azn ♠ Buck Breakers ♠ Cops ♠ Chimpmania ♠ Don Imus ♠ Dylann Storm Roof ♠ Ebola virus ♠ Employment ♠ Epic Beard Man ♠ Graykat ♠ Illuminati ♠ James Watson ♠ Johnny Rebel ♠ Justine Sacco ♠ Kramer ♠ Ku Klux Klan ♠ Moonman ♠ Payton Gendron ♠ Popobawa ♠ Permit Patty ♠ Racism ♠ Ray Tensing ♠ Ryan Palmeter ♠ Shiloh Hendrix ♠ Shitskin Plantation ♠ Spics ♠ Stormfront ♠ The BLM Killer ♠ Total Nigger Death ♠ W ♠ White people |
| Featured article January 6 & 7 2026 | ||
| Preceded by Serial Experiments Lain |
Nautica Malone | Succeeded by TBA |