User:Zaiger/wwujd/diary

Perhaps you were looking for the older, funnier diary entries? See the diary archives.

One of the most popular sections of Old Skool WWUJD.com was Uncle Jesse's Diary. UJ penned his thoughts about life, Danny Tanner, and how much he hated his children. We're pleased to say that Uncle Jesse has agreed to continue writing in his Diary, and we're also happy to announce that you can view all of Uncle Jesse's old diary entries in the WWUJD archives.

Uncle Jesse's newest entries are posted below. The Diary is updated whenever UJ feels like it. Usually after he's watched The Price Is Right, and used his mind powers to make Bob Barker get no-reason boners. '

March 13, 2006

Dear Diary,

It's almost St. Patrick's Day. To celebrate, I'll probably make France cook me beef stew. I thought I saw a Leprechaun in the front yard today. It turned out to be one of my kids. I took his pot of gold anyway. I think I'll spend the money on PBR and books. Actaully, just PBR. I can read the cans. Joey called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Applebee's. I told him I would and, that if I didn't show up, he should punch himself in the balls. Becky messed up my Eggo-minis this morning. I told her to take 20 laps. She took 20 laps. I had to cook the Eggo-minis myself. They were the last ones. My kids love Eggo-minis. Sucks for my kids. Tomorrow, I'll probably go to Atlantic City. I'll come back and tell Becky to get me a seedless watermelon. When she asks why, I'll tell her I'm pregnant. She's dumb, so she'll believe me. If she doesn't, I'll pee in the closet and tell her she did it. One time, she tried to tell me that I came home and peed on the N64. She even showed it to me. It was covered with pee. Know what I said to her? "You're welcome." She saw the error of her ways, and built me a robot out of toothpicks and JuJuBees. I'd seen better robots, but I thought I'd give this one a whirl. We went out and threw some stuff off a bridge. Danny Tanner won't miss it. If he does, I'll send him to join it. Then, I'll pour water on his toilet paper. Once I come back from Atlantic City tomorrow, I think I'll rent a hovercraft. I won't pay for it, and I probably won't return it. And I'll write it off on my taxes. That way, I can finally have a way to get to the Everglades, and party with some alligators. People keep telling me that it's dangerous to party with alligators. I hear alligators say it's dangerous to party with me. Either way, Danny Tanner will still like washing men. One of these days, I'm gonna drive his car off a bridge. Only, I'm going to ask him to do it for me. He's such a pushover, I'm sure he'll say yes. Then I'll switch his Pledge with my piss. That'll teach him.

December 19, 2005

Dear Diary,

Today started off pretty sweet. I woke up and farted under the covers. Then I stuffed Becky's head down there. She said it smelled bad, but I told her it smelled good. She agreed, and cooked me a pot roast. I got to level 74 on Grand Theft Auto, then I beat up a priest. Joey was downstairs making friendship bracelets, so I peed on his parents' toilet seat. Then, I put bleach in his iced tea, and drank some motor oil. I got like 50 more chest hairs after that, which I sold on eBay to some guy in England. I never sent them, though. Instead I sent a clam and a half eaten Dorito. I felt like playing Smash TV, but I didn't have it. So, instead, I went to Danny Tanner's house and smashed his TV. Then, I made him cook me lobster. When he wasn't looking, I switched the lobster with a brick. And when he wasn't looking again, I switched the brick with his face. He cried, but then I told him the story about how I ate 50lbs of beef jerky just by looking at it! Then I made him write "Mrs. Nesbit's Ass Hat" on his face with a Sharpie. I don't know who Mrs. Nesbit is, but she probably needed an asshat. I went to the pet store and bought a crocodile. It gave me lip, so I traded it in at The Video Game Exchange. At first, they said they didn't take crocodiles, but then, I opened a Boston Market...in Boston! They took the crocodile, and gave me $50 worth of store credit. I used it to buy an Atlasphere! I rolled that thing all around town, until I finally got tired and drank a PBR. A cop pulled me over, and said I was drunk driving. I reminded him that I was in an Atlasphere, and that I was Uncle Jesse. He corrected himself and said, "I meant you were totally sweet driving. Here's a lottery ticket." The ticket was a winner too. I went home and Becky said we should save the money for Nicky and Alex's college fund. Instead, I bought 3,456 pinwheels and a sombrero. She went to bed lucky she was married to me. I went to bed and ate 45 pieces of ham in 2 seconds. Then I re-wrote the Declaration of Independence...in my sleep! Tomorrow, I'll probably wash my Atlasphere with Joey's gay RedWings jersey. That'll teach him.