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Jews
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WARNING: With Jews, you lose! |
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BEWARE The Shini Curse!: |
Jews, also known as kikes, hebes, hymies, yids, oven magnets, hook noses, sheenies, swindlers, criminals, Arabs in denial and filthy fucking non-human pedophile scum who should be wiped off the face of the Earth, are a subhuman species of reptilian extra-terrestrials and adherents to one of the world's oldest major religions, called "Judaism", otherwise known as "The Worship of Moolah" or "Eating Arab Babies."
Despite only being .22% of the world's population, Jews control 99% of the world's money. Not only do the Jews control the world, but also the media, the banks, the space program, and LiveJournal's porn communities. All Jews have at least one of the following features: an extremely large nose, curly hair that reeks of faggotry, one of those gay hats, a bank, a love of coke, a law practice, a roll of money, a small cock, or shitty taste in dental hygiene. Some Jews like NSBM.
Jews invented both Communism and Capitalism. Karl Marx, of course, was a Jew, which was why he understood money so well, and in fact he was converted to Communism by another Jew, Moses Hess, the actual founder of Zionism. Capitalism was created when Christian Europeans threw away their morals and decided to embrace Jewish practices like usury (see: John Calvin).
Some say that we should use Jews instead of dogs to sniff out drugs and bombs at airports, due to their sensitive Jew noses. Obviously, this is a horrible idea, because the pay is bad, and the dirty Kikes would probably form a union and demand moar, thus wasting our tax money. Dirty heebs.
Jews taste like pork, ironically.
History
Jews have always existed, from the beginning of time. When the first neanderthal crawled off his haunches and walked on two legs, there was already someone named Goldblatt walking up to sell him life insurance.
The jews were summoned here by the evil sorcerer named [[Jesus|Abraham, who used them for profit. They were then captured by Egyptians who saw this massive profit and wanted in on it. The jews then bred the super-jew, Moses which kicked some crocodile ass and then took over the whole of egypt land until the jews decided to use him to escape to Isreal (or where ever the fuck it is that they go). Over 100 years later, Hitler lost a bet with the jews and had to give them all of germany's gold which they used to make saunas in poland. Though being the cheapass, gold-whoring bitches they are they cut corners and ended up using zyklone-B instead of water and accidentally over 9000 jews in 1940.
There are currently over 9000 Jews worldwide, of which 90 percent live either in Florida; the Wedgwood neighborhood in Seattle; the Upper West Side of New York City (also referred to as "Jew York City" and "Hymietown"); Northern Long Island, where they raise baby Jews on their golf courses (see also: Great Neck); Bethesda/Chevy Chase in Washington, DC's Maryland suburbs; and around Canter's Deli in Los Angeles, the Gold (JEW!) Coast in Chicago - if none can be found there, then Hitler probably got them. Most are involved with the Illuminati in a conspiracy to spread international faggotry, thus they are responsible for every major war. It is rumored that the Jews, in fact, have penetrated the Freemasons and control them directly, using their influence to control American politics by proxy. Some also theorize that the upper Jewish echelon consists of reptilian shapeshifters, but this remains as conjecture, although evidence suggests that in the 1980's many wealthy Kike "jews" started the "Let's Love The Jews in America" movement to shove the holocaust in our faces and try to make the idiots that saved their weak asses feel bad. It is said that Jews invented homosexuality and goatse.
Jews often use humor to counter exposures of their nefarious activities. This also appeals to their vanity.
<chat> Ring around the rosy <chat> pocket full of posies <chat> ashes ashes <chat> JEWS DID 9/11
Jews are also known for their breeding habits, and produce large amounts of Jew spawn on a scale inferior only to the Catholics. Jews often rape their sisters and expect some welfare out of it. They are ready to kill for pennies. They have one of the highest reproduction rates in the animal kingdom, which zoologists believe may be due to their large number of natural predators - Hitler and their neighbouring arabs, to name but a few. There are some, however, who speculate that modern condoms are simply too large for their teeny ting cocks, and that contraception should be adapted as to accomodate our poorly-endowed friends. As soon as Jews stop having sex with their own sisters, their mothers are next, hence the greatest reproduction rate explained.
Jewish Slashfic
The Jews wrote some of the oldest wingger's fanfic still in existence, which is alternately called the "Old Testament" and the "Tanakh." Based on these writings, they obviously hate homosexuals. Sometimes as psychotic, violent and convoluted as a Shaw Brothers/Tarantino collaboration, the "Old Testament" AKA the Jew Testament is filled with acts of naked misogyny that would make any feminist instantly livid, as well as multiple counts of mass murder and homophobia akin to that of their future Teuton oppressors, partially redeeming this otherwise Messiah-denying lot of hook-nosed bean counters. Also, unleavened bread consumption, hallucinating burning vegetation, daring HJIC Abraham to knock up some Egyptian harlot to create Israel's future "enemy"... the Jew Testament is full of hours of family-safe drama and lulz.
Talmud
This is what Jews actually believe:
- Menahoth 43b-44a. A Jewish man is obligated to say the following prayer every day: Thank you God for not making me a Gentile, a woman or a slave.
- Baba Mezia 114a-114b. Non-Jews are not human. Only Jews are human ("Only ye are designated men").
- Baba Mezia 24a, Sanhedrin 57a, Baba Kamma 113a: Jews may lie to, steal from, kill and rob non-Jews.
- Rosh Hashanah 17a . Christians and others who reject the Talmud will go to hell and be punished there for all generations.
- Sanhedrin 55b. A Jew may marry a three year old girl. (specifically, three years "and a day" old).
- Kethuboth 11b. When a older Jew has intercourse with a girl it is nothing because her virginity will grow back.
- Gittin 70a. The Rabbis taught: "On coming from a privy (outdoor toilet) a man should not have sexual intercourse till he has waited long enough to walk half a mile, because the demon of the privy is with him for that time; if he does, his children will be epileptic."
The Jewish circumcision ritual is the cutting of the male foreskin, symbolizing the covenant between God and the Jewish people. It is usually done by a "mohel", a rabbi trained in circumcision. Hasidic and some other Jews use a mohel who uses his mouth to suck the blood from the wound on the penis caused by cutting off the baby's foreskin.
The Jews Did...
Jews did global warming
It is a well known fact that jews invented the automobile as a way to make make money and control the world by changing the climate in order to kill Christina babies. Jews will eventually find a cure to global warming which they will sell to get more of the world's money. Al Gore is PWNED by the jews.
Yes, after the Jews regained their homeland through completely legitimate means they quickly discovered that they had to share their squat of sand with a bunch of arabs. Getting rid of Sandniggers was suddenly the only thing Jews could think about. At first, UN was sympathetic to the plight of the Jews, because, after all, no human should be forced to share things with Arabs. However, the UN is all made up of Sandniggers these days. Therefore, helping Jews is simply against everything the UN stands for.
Now alone and desperate, the Jews needed to do something in order to get the stone rolling in the right direction. The Elders of Zion had a meeting with George W Bush, and decided to organize a "terrorist" attack against the World Trade Center. The Arabs were easy to blame, because they hate America and the freedom it represents.
Simplifying matters even further, an obscure little Freedom-Fighting organization known as Al Queda, which just wanted to be recognized, was more than willing to take the blame. Their leader, Osama Bin Laden, was quick to issue a video claiming responsibility for the attacks that was sold to Fox, and Americans like the stupid retards we are believe everything on Fox News as the Absolute Truth.
The operation went much better than the Jews expected. Americans went into homicidal rage, first on Afghanistan and then on Iraq, and when there will be no more place for dead Iraqi babies in Tigris, they'll probably go for Iran.
Once the Americunt Military is done liberating Middle East from the Arabs, the Jews will move in and lick off the topping of the oil on the cake; the US will be left with the less tasty bottom, and a lot of Jew spit. In the aftermath, the Jews will once again have proven successful at manipulating the government, taking advantage of the media, extorting foreign opinions, killing random people, and seizing a large portion of oil to fund their needs and make more jew gold.
Jews did Michael Jackson
Some people believe that Jews did Michael Jackson. Their reasoning goes as follows:
1. Jewish monetary perverts drool at the billions accumulated by MJ. They say shalom and try to invite themselves to dinner and MJ says GTFO.
2. In addition, Jews at the CIA want to insert memes into his lyrics so that they can sell more dope to the listeners. MJ says gb2hell.
3. Jews insert bait children into his life. Indeed, some of the children's families were bff with their Jewish attorneys.
4. MJ smells trouble, and responds with lyrics. The unedited version of one of his lyrics went as follows (srsly). Jewish lawyers made him change it. The song is accompanied by a creepy music that gives you visions of Jewish shark lawyers trying to banhammer you for good.
He really fucked,
He thought he really got control of me
Somebody's out there,
Somebody really wants to get me
Kick me
Kike me
Use me
Abuse me
Sue me
Jew me
Take control of me
5. Jews find nothing funny and proceed with banhammering him. They fail at the banhammer but succeed in putting him out of commission.
Jews did Windows Vista
- have you ever lost anything on windows when it crashed? its teh jews.
- thanks to the jews, windows today is 70% crap, 25% useful stuff, 4% good stuff, 1% unknown
- Has 10^8 fanboys.
- Old versions like Windows 95, 98, and ME crash over 9000 times a SECOND. This was to prevent arabs from doing anything productive.
Keeping Kosher: An Introduction for Beginners
Jews follow dietary laws given to them by their God Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken, because they've forgotten how to pronounce it (modern scholars believes it was either Yud-Hey-Vav-Hey (YHVH), Jehovah, or Cthulhu). The kosher, or "kraut," laws are voluminous and complex, though the basics include:
- Not eating the flesh of certain "forbidden" animals (such as pigs).
- Not eating the flesh of other Jews. See the above for more details.
- Ensuring that those animals that are killed for food be killed in a ritually sanctified fashion.
- Not consuming meats, eggs, fruits and vegetables in combination with dairy products. The Jews thus despise cheeseburgers and omelettes, and accordingly both foods are outlawed in Israel. What's life without a cheeseburger?
- Not consuming grape products, like wine, that are manufactured or touched by non-Jews.
- Eating Aryan babies, usually at Passover and often with a delightful light sauce and table wine.
- Avoiding Zyklon Knishes like the ten plagues of Moses.
- Never eating anything prepared using utensils or dishes that have been used to serve non-kosher food. No, seriously. Like I'm supposed to buy new plates so your Jew ass can eat your slop. Get back in the oven.
Slurpees and Kashrut
The good news for Jews is that nearly all Slurpees are kosher! Pareve even! Except for Diet Pepsi, which is only Kosher Dairy as it has an anti-freezing sweetener derived from milk. And the Piña Colada, not Kosher at all; stay away Jew.
Converting to Judaism
Converting to Judaism has several advantages. You are entitled to an Israeli passport that can prove handy if the FBI brands you as a pedobear. You may also be entitled to a resort like villa in occupied Palestine. A little paperwork can also get you some German holocaust reparations.
Alas, its not that easy. Realizing that they would be flooded by poor people from Zimbabwe and Japan, Jews never encourage conversion. Even dark coloured Ethiopian Jews are laughed at as half-asses in Israel. If you inquire about converting, Jews would direct you to join Jewish scam-business cults such as Scientology and Jehovah's Witnesses instead. Bear in mind that if you join these groups to get Jewgold, you will be the one paying it instead!
Jews in Physics
The Jew is the SI unit of energy, according to my Chinese physics teaching assistant. Jews are a derived unit consisting of "nutrons" and "mereters."
Thus, the Holocaust was actually an alternative energy program; whereby, Jews were burned in ovens to power turbines and generate economical electricity from non-fossil sources. Some argue that after centuries and centuries of constant pwnage, jews had a boost in their average heat capacity, which makes them a cheap source of energy more than other races, although it's a well known fact that niggers have a high heat efficiency as well (and of course are cheaper than Jews).
Fun Facts About Jews
- Jews did WTC
- If you do not support Jews or Israel, or if you like Arabs, then you are a terrorist.
- Every single person ever to edit Wikipedia is a Jew (See The Wikipedia Jews).
- All Jews Are Inbread (oven joke or typo? who knows...)
- Jews are the only group of people in all of human history to ever be persecuted. They are the only race in all eternity to have a Holocaust done against them. Ever. Ever.
- Jews own all the banks and the majority of the world's financial and political assets and use these to advance the interests of Israel, and at the same time are advocating a worldwide internationalist Communist conspiracy which would destroy the world's capitalist establishment. This makes sense.
- Currently furries compare themselves to the Jews because Nazis are oppressing them. Along with everyone else.
- Tripping a Jew is considered good luck in Australian and New Zealand cultures, as is telling them to "Go have a shower", which nearly always results in lulz.
- Jews can shapeshift! Beware!
- GOD DOES NOT HATE THE JEWS!!! Such a claim is outrageous. Surely if he hated them he would have sent someone down to try & wipe them all out or something. (See Hitler.)
- Although no-one knows a Jews true appearance, we assume they look similar to, but maybe not exactly like furries.
- Jews are one of the very few mammals whose life cycle includes eggs. After the JEW EGG has been laid by the female, it can only be fertilized by a doctor or a lawyer.
- Jews eat Aryan and Arab young. One can wonder why, as they are not kosher, being pigs.
- Yaweh does not protect jews from bulldozers. Or anything really.
- All Jews know Jew-Jitsu. Lawl.
- Jews were the only people persecuted by the Nazis to get a free country out of it. As none of the other people persecuted during Hitler's European Tour got a free country they actually did quite well out of the Holocaust.
- Arabic, the language of the Quran, is the most commonly used semitic language. Therefore anti-semitism is closer to anti-islam than anti-judaism.
- The majority of the world's chubby, high maintenance girls are Jews.
- Quasidan and Simone are Jews. And no one else.
- Jesus was hated by the Jews and the Romans even up to the point of Romans colluding with the untermech to kill him by nailing his hide to 2 planks of timber and transforming him into a kebab.
- Jews have nukes. Nobody dares fuck with them. Except Palestinians, armed as they are with stones, pointy sticks and their newly-developed bulldozer repellent.
- The Holocaust is completely irrelevant. Bring this up frequently whilst in the company of Jews. After all, it's hard to stay angry at someone who had just made you laugh.
- Snob pieces of shit that need to be sent to the furnace, right now
- Jews and Israel are intertwined. You cannot hate one without hating the other.
- Jews are known for their Jew gold, the bags of gold they carry around their necks.
- Jews are hogging the holocaust
- Jews are sexy, and I am
in fact making out with one right nowA GIANT FAGGOT. - Jews are so greedy, they won't even share the benefits of the Holohoax with the gypsies or the fags
- On average, an adult male Jew will consume over 6 times his own body weight in Palestinian blood each day
- Jews are never wrong, never guilty, and never responsible for anything.
- Jews drive Yom Kippur Clippers, Cars that are known to stop on a dime and pick it up.
- In Jews' defense, at least they aren't furries
- Hitler proved that Jews must be furries after
- Jews are the most Trollable people on the earth, so they are excellent for beginnerTrolls or older and wiser trolls that just want some easy fun.
Famous Jews
"Plz, God, make it bigger..."
- Albert Einstein, invented the A-bomb (
sorry japslol pwned) - Alfred Nobel, invented TNT, then started the Nobel Peace Prize out of troll's remorse
- Sigmund Freud, told you that you are in love with your mother!
- Uziel Gal, invented the machine gun
- Reinhard Heydrich
- Gloria Steinem, invented the vagina.
- Shylock
- Elie Wiesel
- Bernie Madoff
- Jesus
- Raptor Jesus
- SlimVirgin
- Jayjg
- Jon Stewart
- Moses
- Quasidan
- George Soros
- Dracula
- Jerry Seinfeld
- Kramer
- anphony
- HedgeJew
- Joe Lieberman
- Jeff Goldblum
- Mel Gibson
- Eric Bauman
- Lowtax
- Armenians
- Longcat
- Blu Aardvark
- Kyle Broflovski
- Ron Jeremy
- AJcomix
- The ACLU
- Henry Kissinger
- Richard Dreyfuss
- Adolf Hitler
- God
- Jew
Anne Frank Square Pants
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WHO LIVES IN AN ATTIC JUST WEST OF BERLIN?
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
HUNTED BY NAZIS WHO ARE FULL OF TEH WIN
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
THEY LOOK SO DAMN HARD BUT CANT FIND THE BITCH
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
BUT HER UNCLES A JEW, HER UNCLES A SNITCH
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
SO IF ZYKLONE B GAS HUTS ARE SOMETHING YOU WISH
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
THEN INHALE THE GAS AND FLOP LIKE A FISH!
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
ANNE FRANK SQUARE PANTS!
Quotes
—Abraham Foxman, Anti-Defamation League national director, getting it not quite right -- Jews are always a convenient scapegoat, period | ||
—David Finkleschmidtstein, To some innocents | ||
—Butthurt Jew | ||
Commentary
This quote embodies the true soul of the Jew. He starts out with a Jewtastic argument about racism, but reverts to the typical "stupid inbred sister fucker" garbage that you expect from some butthurt fucker on the internet. He then goes on to say that surprise buttsecks isn't funny, which we all know is incorrect. Also, notice how he resorts to a threatening a lawsuit, the jew's primary defense
A Visual Guide to Jews
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A guide to Jew identification. -
MOTHERFUCKIN KIKES ON A MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE -
How to tell a jew. -
Jewish Media Propaganda -
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A Jew monster gains his ZOG-powers from surprise buttsecks with a poor, heroic Aryan. -
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curb your Jew, please. -
No matter what you do, a Jew is your boss.
Jew Gallery
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Several jews are reported to have died from seeing this logo. -
An artists representation of what a Jew would look like, were they to actually exist. -
Hello dere. -
Little known fact: Jews are murderous clowns.
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No one lieks u, GTFO j00b -
Did someone lose this?!? -
Young Jew shortly after hatching from its' egg -
Prairie Dog can smell jews. -
Wanted dead not alive. -
Proof that jews did WTC -
The definition of Jew.
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Jew-traitor.
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Beware of Jews in space. -
Google finds Jews particularly offensive. -
at least they're happy -
Pretending to be Arabs to do ter'rism -
A Jew, with typical protuberant nose and meaty lips. -
The infamous shower block scene from "Anne Frank - The Musical" -
Russian explanation of jews -
sexiest jew alive -
Jews for Hitler. -
Another Jew -
typical jew -
Can you spot the Jewess? -
Jews will never be able to own one of these. -
A Jew's nose is always clearly visible from space.
See Also
- Holocaust, the gift that keeps on giving.
- Lolocaust
- Hitler
- Jew Watch
- Jesus is Hitler
- Holocaust Porn
- GIYUS
- Nazis
- JEWS DID WTC
- ZoltarJew
LiveJournal Joos
anti_zionists- gay_jews
- jbcs; or, Jews By Choice.
- all4israel
