Scientology Speedrunning
Just when you thought you've seen or heard everything, Lord Xenu, looking to further his battle against the $cientologists that keep him tethered up in his intergalactic prison, if $cientology were a real religion we'd make a comparision to the Archangel Michael and Satan but it isn't, hatched a genius plan.
Recently Lord Xenu was able to release himself from his electronic, wire-cage mountain trap (Seriously???) just long enough to put the idea of Speedrunning through the Church of Scientology Information Center in Hollywood, Los Angeles, California in the mind of TikToker isDurpyy while filming himself running through the halls of the building screaming his powerful name Xenu to strike fear in all of the $cientologist's hearts. The idea that Lord Xenu implanted in isDurpyy's mind is if people will watch someone on Youtube beat Super Mario 69 in less than 5 minutes, just think of all the views you'll get running through a Scientology building with your Dick hanging out.
Like all great ideas on the internet that get a lot of views and likes, Swhileyy wanted some of that sweet, sweet instant E-Fame and did a collaboration video with isDurpyy and on March 31, 2026 they did a video where they ran through the same $cientology building.
The video garnered over 90 million views on TikTok before $cientology's well paid and Scarey lawyers had it removed.
So 90 million views equals, we guess, 0 E-pussy unless they're counting a Japanese Hentai Anime and their Sister's skin moiturizer.
Like all great things that someone else's Genius has brought forth such as The Drive Thru Restaurant, The Batman Arkham Series and the Prison Shiv, everyone and their Mother is looking to capitalize on this trend by imitating it because views and likes on a social site is more important than doing something interesting in their Life like maybe getting a Girlfriend or moving out of their Mother's basement.
Let's Get Straight To The Good Stuff
Since $cientology is having videos taken down from TikTok and Youtube faster than You can finish 2 large New York style Pizzas and saying that these raids aren't happening despite their taking the outside handles off of the doors or chaining the inside doors (uh where's the fire marshal on this) of all their buildings and requiring that people be let in to their buildings only after flashing a wad of Cash so we thought that we'd go straight to the best invasion before these things devolve into people getting inside the building, painting their Asses with ink and pressing them up against the walls and windows.
Oh Shit! How much do you want to bet that someone's going to read this and do it?
Probably the best and what will most likely be pinnacle of the Raids happened in May of 2026 when more than 20 Christian dwarves raided the $cientology headquarters in Los Angeles looking for Tom Cruise because, the dwarves, all being gymnast height, at or less than 4'8" or 142.25 centimeters if you're one of those European or Azn fags. Don't worry about Africans or South Americans. They can't count past 3.
Both the Dwarves and Tom Cruise being under 4'8", We really see a Cease and decist order from Tom Cruise. We'd say that we'd keep it as a piece of memorablia but they're about as rare as a warrant being served against the Catholic Church to look at their servers for Child Porn.
Once more, the Dwarves all being under 4'8" like Tom Cruise felt that they would be able to make friends with Tom since they both have to have conversations with people's Crotches. Hoping to convert Mr. Cruise to the side of Christ, the dwarves ran through the Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles looking for him.
As can be expected, the dwarf raid ended when $cientologists called the Cops and not wanting to be a Dwarf in Jail because it puts them at that perfect height where they wouldn't have to be forced down on their knees because Bubu wants to Fuck someone's throat, everybody made a run for it.
Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, And Heart - Scientology Summons Their Lawyers
As these raids start to increase because what started out as a pretty Cool event, every Loser with a self-esteem problem has to go and ruin it because they want to be like that Nigger that goes around Washington, D.C. knocking people out while his friend films him on their phone and then gets caught because, like a dumbass, he uploaded the videos to TikTok and someone that knew him ratted him out for an easy $2,000.
Seriously. You would not believe how many Times that has actually happened.
Scientologists, now taking cues from their Lawyers have started putting security cameras on every floor and have taken to getting in the way of these people doing speed runs because when one of the speed runners runs into them, it counts as Assault because the speed runners are already committing criminal tresspass and Burglary if the prosecutor decides to throw that one in for Shits and Giggles and trust us, with the amount of money $cientology likes to throw at Supressive Persons, burglary will be added.
Being seen as a Church by the United States of Americunts, these assaults can count as Hate crimes and can be investigated and prosecuted by the Federal Government.
Seeing as how $cientology likes to throw money at anything to make an Asshole go away, if you're in one of these videos where a $cientologist is struck, don't be surprised if the Party Van parks in front of your house and Scarey men in black suits step out if you haven't already been arrested because, as we said earlier, these runs are now being seen as Hate Crimes and the Pigs are showing up at Scientology Centers faster then a Cop teleporting instantly to a Jewish Temple because a Rabbi called and said that there's a Skinhead painting a Swastika on the Temple's door.
Leah Remini Runs Her Mouth
Looking like William Shatner on metabolic steroids for a lung infection and sounding like a five pack a day smoker, Leah Remini, always looking for attention and always ready to blame $cientology for everything wrong with her life actually had some good advice about this trend of $cientology Speedrunning.
Leah has said that these Speedruns does nothing but benefit $cientology because they get to play the Victim and cry that they are being attacked for nothing more then simply who they are.
Every time someone does a Speedrun in a $cientology building, $cientology gets to cry like a Jewish Temple in an Aryan Nation neighborhood every time a Swastika is painted on their door. These Speedruns are counterproductive and let $cientology play the Jewish discrimination card and say that these Speedruns are only being done as an attack against their Faith
Leah also went on to say that these Speedruns do nothing to expose the Evils of $cientology. She said that these Speedruns are being done by clueless idiots that have only started doing them because they are Sheeple that think that one of these videos will make their, pathetic, hungry for attention asses look cool. These Speedrunners, she claimed, are no better than Tom Cruise dropping to his knees, we'll just say that Tom Cruise will drop to his knees and polish David Miscavige's shoes if he's ordered to because we really don't want to get sued
In one of her more intelligent points, Leah ended by saying that these Speedruns are counterproductive. Leah claims that $cientology is a Cult and every day they are being indoctrinated with the Lesson that they are hated and misunderstood because the people outside their doors are polluted with diembodied spirits or Body Thetans and are always ready to attack them because $cientology knows the one true universal truth (Christ is King), and if you have enough money, they can exorcise you of these foul "spirits" so that you can have a seat at Xenu's table. During the day you will fight to your death and then be reborn at your seat at Xenu's table where you will eat, drink and celebrate all night and coming morning, this cycle will repeat.
By doing these Speedruns just for views and likes, Leah said that all these people are doing is reinforcing this indoctrination because they are only being done to fill the wants of their narcissistic body thetans because they are only done for momentary fame.
In other words and if you are too dumb to get what Leah Remini said, in simple words:
See Also
- Money - They will take all your money and demand more.
- Storm Area 51 - more or less the same shit but with Area 51.
External Links
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Scientology Speedrunning is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
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Scientology Speedrunning is part of a series on Visit the Anonymous Portal for complete coverage. |
| UFO Cults: | Scientology • Galactic Federation of Light • Heaven's Gate • Raelians • Nibiru |
|---|---|
| New-age Faggotry: |
Wicca • The Dolmen • Moonies • Paganism • Black Alchemy • Fagnosticism • Prem Rawat • Voluntary Human Extinction Movement • Thoth • Ron Paul • Red Ice Creations |
| Raep cults: | Islam • Maniacs Murder Cult • Manson Family • Masons • Satanism |
| Jesus Cults: | Aum Shinrikyo • Branch Davidians • Chick Tracts • Ex-Gay • Jehovah's Witnesses • Mormonism • People's Temple • Westboro Baptist Church |
| Wannabe Cults: | Sephyism • Sonic CulT • Vampires • Goths • Furries • Mulderite • Wooks • Bronies • Libertarians • Feminism |
| Stupid Cults: | Scientology • Atheism • Social Justice • Breatharian • Michelle Belanger/House Kheperu • Sonic Passion • Highgate Vampire, the • The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch |
| Troll Cults: | Anonymous • Cult of the Dead Cow • Raptor Jesus • John Solomon • Church of the SubGenius • Discordianism |
| Web 2.0 Cults: | Atheist Scum United • Kiwi Farms • Kony 2012 • Rational Response Squad • RationalWiki • Wikipedia • WP:DAILYMAIL • Young Tubers United |
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Scientology Speedrunning is part of a series on Visit the Social Media Portal for complete coverage. |