Scientology Speedrunning
Just when you thought you've seen or heard everything, Lord Xenu, looking to further his battle against the $cientologists that keep him tethered up in his intergalactic prison, if $cientology were a real religion we'd make a comparision to the Archangel Michael and Satan but it isn't, hatched a genius plan.
Recently Lord Xenu was able to release himself from his electronic, wire-cage mountain trap (Seriously???) just long enough to put the idea of Speedrunning through the Church of Scientology Information Center in Hollywood, Los Angeles, California in the mind of TikToker isDurpyy while filming himself running through the halls of the building screaming his powerful name Xenu to strike fear in all of the $cientologist's hearts. The idea that Lord Xenu implanted in isDurpyy's mind is if people will watch someone on Youtube beat Super Mario 69 in less than 5 minutes, just think of all the views you'll get running through a Scientology building with your Dick hanging out.
Like all great ideas on the internet that get a lot of views and likes, Swhileyy wanted some of that sweet, sweet instant E-Fame and did a collaboration video with isDurpyy and on March 31, 2026 they did a video where they ran through the same $cientology building.
The video garnered over 90 million views on TikTok before $cientology's well paid and Scarey lawyers had it removed.
So 90 million views equals, we guess, 0 E-pussy unless they're counting a Japanese Hentai Anime and their Sister's skin moiturizer.
Like all great things that someone else's Genius has brought forth such as The Drive Thru Restaurant, The Batman Arkham Series and the Prison Shiv, everyone and their Mother is looking to capitalize on this trend by imitating it because views and likes on a social site is more important than doing something interesting in their Life like maybe getting a Girlfriend or moving out of their Mother's basement.
Let's Get Straight To The Good Stuff
Since $cientology is having videos taken down from TikTok and Youtube faster than You can finish 2 large New York style Pizzas and saying that these raids aren't happening despite their taking the outside handles off of the doors or chaining the inside doors (uh where's the fire marshal on this) of all their buildings and requiring that people be let in to their buildings only after flashing a wad of Cash so we thought that we'd go straight to the best invasion before these things devolve into people getting inside the building, painting their Asses with ink and pressing them up against the walls and windows.
Oh Shit! How much do you want to bet that someone's going to read this and do it?
Probably the best and what will most likely be pinnacle of the Raids happened in May of 2026 when more than 20 Christian dwarves raided the $cientology headquarters in Los Angeles looking for Tom Cruise because, the dwarves, all being gymnast height, at or less than 4'8" or 142.25 centimeters if you're one of those European or Azn fags. Don't worry about Africans or South Americans. They can't count past 3.
Both the Dwarves and Tom Cruise being under 4'8", We really see a Cease and decist order from Tom Cruise. We'd say that we'd keep it as a piece of memorablia but they're about as rare as a warrant being served against the Catholic Church to look at their servers for Child Porn.
Once more, the Dwarves all being under 4'8" like Tom Cruise felt that they would be able to make friends with Tom since they both have to have conversations with people's Crotches. Hoping to convert Mr. Cruise to the side of Christ, the dwarves ran through the Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles looking for him.
As can be expected, the dwarf raid ended when $cientologists called the Cops and not wanting to be a Dwarf in Jail because it puts them at that perfect height where they wouldn't have to be forced down on their knees because Bubu wants to Fuck someone's throat, everybody made a run for it.
Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, And Heart - Scientology Summons Their Lawyers
As these raids start to increase because what started out as a pretty Cool event, every Loser with a self-esteem problem has to go and ruin it because they want to be like that Nigger that goes around Washington, D.C. knocking people out while his friend films him on their phone and then gets caught because, like a dumbass, he uploaded the videos to TikTok and someone that knew him ratted him out for an easy $2,000.
Seriously. You would not believe how many Times that has actually happened.
Scientologists, now taking cues from their Lawyers have started putting security cameras on every floor and have taken to getting in the way of these people doing speed runs because when one of the speed runners runs into them, it counts as Assault because the speed runners are already committing criminal tresspass and Burglary if the prosecutor decides to throw that one in for Shits and Giggles and trust us, with the amount of money $cientology likes to throw at Supressive Persons, burglary will be added.
Being seen as a Church by the United States of Americunts, these assaults can count as Hate crimes and can be investigated and prosecuted by the Federal Government.
Seeing as how $cientology likes to throw money at anything to make an Asshole go away, if you're in one of these videos where a $cientologist is struck, don't be surprised if the Party Van parks in front of your house and Scarey men in black suits step out if you haven't already been arrested because, as we said earlier, these runs are now being seen as Hate Crimes and the Pigs are showing up at Scientology Centers faster then a Cop teleporting instantly to a Jewish Temple because a Rabbi called and said that there's a Skinhead painting a Swastika on the Temple's door.
See Also
- Storm Area 51 - more or less the same shit but with Area 51.
- Project Chanology
