Scientology Speedrunning: Difference between revisions
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[[File:Scientology Center Hollywood Boulevard Los Angeles 2019.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The Church of Scientology Information Center on Hollywood Boulevard.]] | [[File:Scientology Center Hollywood Boulevard Los Angeles 2019.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The Church of Scientology Information Center on Hollywood Boulevard.]] | ||
Just when you thought you've seen or heard everything... [[Xenu|Lord Xenu]] | Just when you thought you've seen or heard everything... [[Xenu|Lord Xenu]] is now looking to further his battle against his [[Scientology|$cientology]] Correctional Officers who keep him locked up with no stimulation or contact, lost to the [[universe]] in the [[Alone|SHU]] segregation of his intergalactic prison. Even Xenu has found [[Christ]] in prison and taking cues from the one [[Truth|One True Religion]]'s [[Evil|evil-doer]], [[Lucifer]], [[Xenu|Lord Xenu]] hatched what can be only described as a genius plan. If $cientology were a real religion we'd make a comparison to the [[Christianity|Archangel Michael]], the bottomless pit and [[Satan]] - but it isn't. | ||
Recently Lord Xenu was able to release himself from his [[Lie|electronic, wire-cage mountain trap]]. | Recently Lord Xenu was able to release himself from his [[Lie|electronic, wire-cage mountain trap]]. | ||
Escaping from his prison for a few seconds, Lord Xenu was able to put the idea of [[Speedrun| | Escaping from his prison for a few seconds, Lord Xenu was able to put the idea of [[Speedrun|speedrunning]] through the Church of Scientology Information Center in [[California|Hollywood, Los Angeles, California]] in the mind of [[TikTok|TikToker isDurpyy]] while filming himself running through the halls of the building screaming the powerful name [[Xenu]], to strike fear in all of the $cientologist's hearts. The idea that Lord Xenu implanted in isDurpyy's mind is, 'if people will watch someone on [[Youtube]] beat [[Super Mario|Super Mario 69]] in less than 5 minutes, just think of all the views you'll get running through a Scientology building with your [[dick]] hanging out.' | ||
Like all great ideas on the internet that get a lot of views and [[likes]], Swhileyy wanted some of that sweet, sweet [[Fame|e-Fame]] and did a collaboration video with isDurpyy. On March 31, 2026 they posted a video where they ran through the same $cientology building. The video garnered over 90 million views on [[TikTok]] before [[Scientology|$cientology's]] well-paid and [[Evil|scary]] lawyers had it removed for glorifying Xenu. | Like all great ideas on the internet that get a lot of views and [[likes]], Swhileyy wanted some of that sweet, sweet [[Fame|e-Fame]] and did a collaboration video with isDurpyy. On March 31, 2026 they posted a video where they ran through the same $cientology building. The video garnered over 90 million views on [[TikTok]] before [[Scientology|$cientology's]] well-paid and [[Evil|scary]] lawyers had it removed for glorifying Xenu. | ||
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So, 90 million views equals about 0 [[E-girls|e-pussies]] unless one counts a Japanese [[Hentai]] and their [[sister]]'s skin moisturizer. | So, 90 million views equals about 0 [[E-girls|e-pussies]] unless one counts a Japanese [[Hentai]] and their [[sister]]'s skin moisturizer. | ||
Like all great things that someone else's [[Intelligence|genius]] has brought forth (such as [[McDonald's| | Like all great things that someone else's [[Intelligence|genius]] has brought forth (such as [[McDonald's|the drive-thru restaurant]], [[Encyclopaedia Dramatica]], and the [[internets]]), everybody and [[Your Mom|their moms]] are looking to capitalize on this trend, because views and [[likes]] on a website are more important than doing something interesting in their lives, such as a [[girlfriend]] or moving out of their parents' [[basement]]. | ||
<center><youtube>https://youtu.be/TbJSCQMZD4Y</youtube></center> | <center><youtube>https://youtu.be/TbJSCQMZD4Y</youtube></center> | ||
Latest revision as of 14:16, 17 May 2026
Just when you thought you've seen or heard everything... Lord Xenu is now looking to further his battle against his $cientology Correctional Officers who keep him locked up with no stimulation or contact, lost to the universe in the SHU segregation of his intergalactic prison. Even Xenu has found Christ in prison and taking cues from the one One True Religion's evil-doer, Lucifer, Lord Xenu hatched what can be only described as a genius plan. If $cientology were a real religion we'd make a comparison to the Archangel Michael, the bottomless pit and Satan - but it isn't.
Recently Lord Xenu was able to release himself from his electronic, wire-cage mountain trap.
Escaping from his prison for a few seconds, Lord Xenu was able to put the idea of speedrunning through the Church of Scientology Information Center in Hollywood, Los Angeles, California in the mind of TikToker isDurpyy while filming himself running through the halls of the building screaming the powerful name Xenu, to strike fear in all of the $cientologist's hearts. The idea that Lord Xenu implanted in isDurpyy's mind is, 'if people will watch someone on Youtube beat Super Mario 69 in less than 5 minutes, just think of all the views you'll get running through a Scientology building with your dick hanging out.'
Like all great ideas on the internet that get a lot of views and likes, Swhileyy wanted some of that sweet, sweet e-Fame and did a collaboration video with isDurpyy. On March 31, 2026 they posted a video where they ran through the same $cientology building. The video garnered over 90 million views on TikTok before $cientology's well-paid and scary lawyers had it removed for glorifying Xenu.
So, 90 million views equals about 0 e-pussies unless one counts a Japanese Hentai and their sister's skin moisturizer.
Like all great things that someone else's genius has brought forth (such as the drive-thru restaurant, Encyclopaedia Dramatica, and the internets), everybody and their moms are looking to capitalize on this trend, because views and likes on a website are more important than doing something interesting in their lives, such as a girlfriend or moving out of their parents' basement.
Let's Get Straight to the Good Stuff!
Since $cientology is having videos taken down from TikTok and Youtube faster than you could finish 2 large NY-style pizzas - and saying that raids aren't happening, despite their taking the outside handles off of the doors of their buildings or chaining the inside doors of all their buildings and requiring that people be let in to their buildings only after flashing a wad of cash, we will mention the best invasion, before things devolve into people getting inside the building, painting their asses with ink and pressing them up against the walls and windows.
Probably the best raid, (and that'll likely be the pinnacle of these IRL raids) happened in May of 2026, when more than 20 Christian dwarves raided the $cientology headquarters in LA looking for Tom Cruise because, the dwarves, all being gymnast height, at or less than 4'8" or 142.25 centimeters if you're one of those European or Azn fags. Don't worry about Africans or South Americans They can't count past 3.
Once more, the dwarves all being under 4'8" (like Tom Cruise) felt that they would be able to make friends with Tom since they both have to have conversations with peoples' crotches. Hoping to convert Mr. Cruise to the side of Christ, the dwarves ran through the Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles looking for him.
As expected, the dwarf-raid ended when $cientologists called the po-po. The dwarves not wanting to be a midget in jail, because it puts them at the perfect height for BJs, all made a run for it.
Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, And Cash - Scientology Summons Their Lawyers
As these raids start to increase because what started out as a pretty cool event, every loser with a self-esteem issue has to go and ruin it, because they want to be like that nigger that goes around Washington, D.C. showing that he can knock people out with a single punch by sucker-punching them in the jaw while his friend films him on their phone and then gets caught because, like a dumbass, he uploaded the videos to TikTok and someone that knew him ratted him out for an easy $2,000 payday. Seriously, you would not believe how many times that has actually happened.
Scientologists, now taking cues from their lawyers, have started putting security cameras on every floor and have taken to getting in the way of these people doing speedruns, as when one of the speedrunners bumps into them, it counts as Assault. Since the speedrunners are already committing Criminal Trespass and Burglary might even get thrown in if the prosecutor wants to do it just for Shits and Giggles. Trust us, with the amount of money $cientology likes to throw at Suppressive Persons, burglary will get added. Scientology is seen as a church by the USA and these assaults can count as hate crimes and can be investigated and prosecuted by the federal government.
Seeing as how $cientology likes to throw money at anything to make an asshole go away, if you're in one of these videos where a $cientologist is struck, don't be surprised if the Party Van parks in front of your house and scary men in black suits step out. If you haven't already been arrested because, as we said earlier, these runs are now being seen as hate crimes and the pigs are showing up at Scientology Centers faster then a cop teleporting instantly to a Jewish Temple because a rabbi called and said that there's a skinhead painting a swastika on the Temple Door.
Leah Remini Runs Her Mouth
Looking like William Shatner on metabolic steroids for pneumonia, and sounding like a five-pack-a-day smoker, Leah Remini, (always looking for attention and ready to blame $cientology for everything wrong with her life,) actually had some good advice about this trend of $cientology speedrunning.
Leah has said that these speedruns do nothing but benefit $cientology because they get to play the Victim and cry that they are being attacked for nothing more then simply who they are.
Every time someone does a speedrun in a $cientology building, $cientology gets to cry just like a Jew in a majority-white neighborhood every time a swastika is painted on their door. These speedruns are counter-productive; They let $cientology play the Jewish discrimination card and say that these speedruns are only being done as an attack against their Faith.
Leah also went on to say that these speedruns do nothing to expose the evils of $cientology. She says that the speedruns are done by clueless idiots that have only started doing them since they think one video will make their attention-whoring asses look cool. These speedrunners, she claimed, are no better than Tom Cruise dropping to his knees, we'll just assume that Tom Cruise would probably drop to his knees and polish David Miscavige's shoes if he's ordered to - because we really don't want to get sued.
In one of her more intelligent points, Leah ended by saying that these speedruns are counterproductive. Leah stated that $cientology is a cult and every day they are being indoctrinated with the lesson that they are hated simply because they are $cientologists and misunderstood because the people outside their doors are polluted with disembodied spirits (Body Thetans), are always ready to attack them because $cientology knows the one true universal truth (Christ is King), and if you have enough money, they can exorcise you of these foul "spirits" so that you can have a seat at Xenu's table in a great hall. During the day you will fight to your death and then be reborn in the evening, at your seat at Xenu's table where you will eat, drink and celebrate all night and come morning, this cycle of battle and partying will repeat.
By doing these speedruns just for views and likes, Leah said that all these people are doing is reinforcing $cientology's indoctrination, because they are only being done to fill the wants of their narcissistic Body Thetans, and they are only done for momentary fame and nothing more.
In other words, if you are too dumb to get what Leah Remini said, in simple words:
See Also
- Money - They will take all your money and demand more.
- Storm Area 51 - more or less the same shit but with Area 51.
External Links
Scientology Speedrunning is part of the following series:
| UFO Cults: | Scientology • Galactic Federation of Light • Heaven's Gate • Raelians • Nibiru |
|---|---|
| New-age Faggotry: |
Wicca • The Dolmen • Moonies • Paganism • Black Alchemy • Fagnosticism • Prem Rawat • Voluntary Human Extinction Movement • Thoth • Ron Paul • Red Ice Creations |
| Raep cults: | Islam • Maniacs Murder Cult • Manson Family • Masons • Satanism |
| Jesus Cults: | Aum Shinrikyo • Branch Davidians • Chick Tracts • Ex-Gay • Jehovah's Witnesses • Mormonism • People's Temple • Westboro Baptist Church |
| Wannabe Cults: | Sephyism • Sonic CulT • Vampires • Goths • Furries • Mulderite • Wooks • Bronies • Libertarians • Feminism |
| Stupid Cults: | Scientology • Atheism • Social Justice • Breatharian • Michelle Belanger/House Kheperu • Sonic Passion • Highgate Vampire, the • The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch |
| Troll Cults: | Anonymous • Cult of the Dead Cow • Raptor Jesus • John Solomon • Church of the SubGenius • Discordianism |
| Web 2.0 Cults: | Atheist Scum United • Kiwi Farms • Kony 2012 • Rational Response Squad • RationalWiki • Wikipedia • WP:DAILYMAIL • Young Tubers United |
| Article of the now May 15 & 16, 2026 | ||
| Preceded by Clanker |
Scientology Speedrunning | Succeeded by TBA |