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French Revolution: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 22:46, 9 May 2015
The French Revolution was an amazingly insane clusterfuck that hit France in the late 18th century, paving the way for extensive IRL pwning, war, the first republic, Napoleon, human rights and other shit nobody cares about.
Prelude
In 1774 Louis XVI became King of France and after many expensive undertakings, including his assistance of America in their war for independence just to stick it to the British and his wife looting the royal bank account for bling, he was broke like a nigga on food stamps. To get himself out of debt and generate some cash he called in the assembly of notables, a bunch of aristocrats, gay clergymen and other rich fucks, in order to ask for permission to raise taxes which only resulted in them telling him to GTFO. In 1789 Louis decided to call for an assembly of the estates general, a body composed of the clergy, the nobility and everyone else who wasn’t of any special interest at all. Unfortunately he couldn’t push through with his tax reforms because too many filthy peasants were pissed by the fact they had no vote, no national assembly and no deodorant. In his attempts to difuse tension and sort things out Louis only managed to enrage 90% of the population to the point of revolution. What followed was a TL;DR of constitutional monarchy, treason, war and a fuckload of public decapitations.
The Reign of Terror
The Reign of Terror came about following a bitchfight between the Girondin and the Jacobin parties, but under the firm lead of Maximilien Robespierre and the Committee of Public Safety, which was more or less a pack of well armed Social Justice warriors. It evolved into epic events of indiscriminate mass public murder claiming the lives a large number of frenchies. Ultimately members of the CPS became so frightened they themselves would become the next in line to the scaffold that they decided to take preemptive measures and sent Robbie and his friends there first. So the Reign ended and the more boring part of the revolution went on.
Children of The Revolution
- Louis XVI King of France & Navarre: Messed up big time and got his head chopped off in public.
- Maria Antoinette, Queen of France & Navarre: Got her head chopped of in public for outrageous spending habits and not being French enough.
- Georges Jacques Danton: Revolutionary, advocate and whoremonger of great magnitude. Sentenced to death for not being radical enough and got his head chopped of in public.
- Maximilien Robespierre: Revolutionary, advocate and killjoy. Shot in the face and then decapitated for being too radical.
- Louis Antoine Léon de Saint-Just: Max's buddy and possibly gay lover. Decapitated.
- Georges Couthon: A bloodthirsty cripple with a steampunk wheelchair. Like Robespierre and Saint-Just he became a victim of the preemptive strike and got his head chopped off. As the guillotine was not built with accessibility for the disabled in mind he nearly got off the hook.
- Jean-Paul Marat: Physician, journalist and part-time inhabitant of the Paris sewer system. In his time he was the generic Fox News anchor out for blood. Stabbed in a bathtub and later honored with a painting showing his dead body lying in said bathtub.
- Olympe de Gouges: Abolitionist and Feminist. Unfortunately she found herself ahead of her time.
- Charles-Henri Sanson: High executioner of the French Republic. In charge of chopping off all those heads, a job he inherited from his father.
- Napoleon Bonaparte: Started as a young Officer in the Army of the Republic, became the youngest General, rose to the office of the Consul and later on he made himself emperor of France, betraying the Ideals of the Revolution and trolling everyone as hard as possible, before being fucked by the Brits and the Prussian. Kept his Head and died on St. Helena, not the actual Saint, but the Island.
Lulzy activities of The French Revolution
- Overthrowing the Monarchy.
- Hiding, if you were of noble birth.
- Seeking out all traitors and enemies of the revolution.
- Joining a radical political party.
- Trolling those who lost family members during The Terror.
- Ask women if they give head
- Chopping off heads.
- Getting your head chopped off. (N.b., The guillotine remained the method of French capital punishment until 1977)
- Watching public executions.
- Collect heads of famous people and make wax copies of them for your Museum, like Madame Tussauds did.
- Joining the army and fighting for equality, freedom and brotherhood.
- Storming a prison and brutally killing the already handicaped Guards.
- Writing for a newspaper which demands there must be more head-chopping.
- Killing priests after asking for the sacrament of penance beforehand.
