Nibiru/Planet Nine

Nibiru, disguised as Planet Nine, yesterday

Nibiru is the name of a completely fictitious planet in the solar system with an orbit of 3,600 years, on which some crackpot claimed nephilim-like creatures live, and which is supposedly going to rendezvous with the Earth any day soon and usher in a new age of weirdness. The evidence for this consists entirely of poorly-photographed skies and misunderstood lens-flares, rather than any actual science. Needless to say, everyone in the internet's conspirasphere believes wholeheartedly in the truth of this nonsense and keeps up-to-date with the latest ludicrous 'evidence'.

Planet Nine is the provisional name of a real planet lurking in the outer solar system, for which there is some scientific evidence (sorry, Pluto). If it exists, its orbit would take it through the various debris fields at the outskirts of the solar system, potentially disturbing huge icy chunks of rock to fall inward toward the Sun. Strangely enough, there has been a dramatic increase in sightings of huge meteors burning up in Earth's atmosphere, one of which actually fell on an Iranian town. Needless to say, no-one cares.

Niburu

Nibiru attacks!!!!!!

The origin of the Nibiru rigmarole was some crank back in the 1970s, called Zecheria Stichin, who wrote a series of books about the so-called 12th Planet. Don't concern yourself with what happened to the 10th and 11th planets (Pluto was still a planet at the time), since that would be to expect a level of coherency which is singularly lacking in this saga.

Pleased with public response, Mr Stitchin wrote a series of follow-ups ("The Return of the 12th Planet"; "The 12th Planet Strikes Again"; "What the 12th Planet Did Next", et al). Eventually he ran out of LSD and back issues of Popular Astronomy magazine, and the typewriter shop refused to extend him credit on new ink-ribbons, so he turned to brewing moonshine and waiting for the internet to be invented.

The cudgels were taken up by a Stichin fantard in 1995, who claimed she had received a microchip in her brain from the Daleks or somesuch. Naturally, this put her in touch with God, and God kindly warned her that the world would undergo a dramatic upheaval due to a pole-reversal and lengthened orbit caused during the arrival of Planet Nibiru on May 27, 2003.

The retard who started all this tomfoolery (one Nancy Lieder) claimed that the arrival of the Hale-Bopp Comet in early 1997 was a harbinger of the delayed arrival of Planet Nibiru, which any day now would surely descend upon the unsuspecting Earth, causing calamity and misfortune on a global scale. This did not in fact happen. As astute readers will have noted, Planet Nibiru did not show up and consequently the world singularly did not undergo any dramatic upheaval as a result.

Nevertheless, Ms Lieder had her dog euthanised in order to spare him the trauma of living on a planet in upheaval, although she later claimed that it was because he had been acting aggressively. She did not specify whether this aggression was caused by the animal's ability to sense pending planetary disaster. She also said that her 'May 27, 2003' prediction was a 'white lie' to throw the authorities off the scent, so that they would have insufficient time to implement Martial Law. She did not specify how giving a date that was too early was meant to prevent the authorities from implementing Martial Law at a subsequent date.

Since Planet Nibiru did not show up, this naturally led to increased speculation about when it would in fact show up.

Eventually, the world's finest minds decided that the prediction was a decade out and that Nibiru would surely show in 2012, in time to bring about the Mayan end-times. When this did not in fact occur, Ms Lieder declared that the encounter would take place in 2014. Do I need to go on?

Nibiru evidence

Who could possibly argue with the amazing facts as they are laid out in this gallery?

That's the fucking moon, retard File:Nibiru 8.jpg How many Nibirus are we expecting today?

Well, the answer to that question is 'a six-year old could'.

There is obviously no law of physics or optics that would prevent a mystery planet said to be four times the mass of Earth from wandering aimlessly around the inner solar system, appearing at random positions in the sky, sometimes disappearing completely, sometimes sneaking up on us, other times retreating, and all the while presenting a full disc to observers (unlike other planets, which display boring old crescent phases when light falls on them from different angles), and without at any time disrupting the orbit of any of the planets or even the fucking MOON and thereby throwing the tides into very noticeable disarray.

Planet Nine

Meanwhile, not very far away...

In 2016, it was announced that disturbances in the orbits of the outer planets of the solar system (oh, and dwarf planets too: sorry, Pluto) indicated that a large planet, possibly as large as fucking Neptune, was lurking out in the vastness of space, and only swinging by every 10-20,000 years. Given the distance from the Sun to which Planet Nine's orbit takes it, it has to pass through the outer fringe of the Kuiper Belt, known as the 'scattered disk', every time it returns towards the Sun.

The math is TL;DC (Too Long; Didn't Calculate) but it's pretty good and now every boffin with a decent telescope is peering into the mysteries of the cosmos, hoping to spot Nibi... I mean, Planet Nine, out there among the Bbillions and Bbillions of stars, asteroids, and discarded astronaut diapers. Did I just say the word 'asteroids'? Think no more of it.

Vids: Unrelated

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Summary

OMG AN UNKNOWN PLANET REALLY IS TOTALLY GOING TO RAIN DESTRUCTION ON THE EARTH AND THE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS ARE ALL LOOKING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!!!

WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!

External links

• Nibirutards, ripe for trolling
• More Nibirutards
• See above
• Have a guess
• Be prepared - buy guns
• Official Nibiru welcoming committee
• Nibirjews (oh yes)