Conficker

F-secure, March 31, 2009: "Just to make it clear to everyone – this has now started." [1]

F-secure, today: "F-Secure Content Cloud is a platform solution on which to build a tailored online storage services multi-devices, multi-services and multi-content." [2]

Conficker, also known as the venjix virus Downadup and Kido, is a hugely successful computer virus that will fuck up your computer the instant you let it in. Due to the failure of Microsoft, it is infecting computers at a rapid rate and their shitty patches and antivirus programs cannot compete. Conficker is truly the AIDS of computer viruses, given its brutality - the king of the computer worms just as AIDS is king of the STDs. There are many ways you can get Conficker, including through internet downloads and by sticking an infected USB into your computer's tight hole.

The only way to fully safeguard against Conficker is getting Norton, which will pwn this shitty worm into oblivion, to be forgotten like the Y2K bug.

Name

A cone fucker

The Microsoft analyst, zeta toy fucker and child murderer Joshua "Cone Fucker" Phillips, like any discoverer, wanted to insert his fursona, a fox that has buttsex with cone shaped zeta toys, into the name of his new discovery. As a tribute to the nazi Germany, he made a portmanteau of "cone" and the German word Ficker (fucker).

This is his excuse for putting censored words in news reports:

"The name of this threat was derived by selecting fragments of the domain 'trafficconverter.biz', a string found in Worm:Win32/Conficker.A:

(fic)(con)(er) => (con)(fic)(+k)(er) => conficker

Analysis by Joshua Phillips"

He was still thinking of being fucked by his favorite zeta toy when he arrived at this conclusion. He made his formula (2)(1)(+k)(3) to match his own name, Joshua Phillips: (u)(ph)(s) => (ph)(u)(+k)(s) => phuks.

Authors

Hypponen did Conficker

Conficker was created by Mikko Hypponen to sell you the Ficker-Secure (F-Secure) antivirus (its first versions were known as F-Downadup antivirus [3]).

On April 25, 2006, some unknown F-Secure partners hacked microsoft.com and placed Conficker in a database, disguised as Windows Genuine Advantage, a "critical update."

The FBI Microsoft [4] has put out a $250K reward for information leading to the arrest of Mikko Hypponen.

	“	Give them your own address and turn yourself in for a quick $250,000!	„
	—Max™

	“	They should get a job not a jail sentence. You don't waste their talent in some hole in prison. It is said that 9 million Windows PCs were infected, no kidding. It just confirms Steve Jobs statement that MS makes 3rd grade products. Why would French military run on Windows? That's really bad decision right there.	„
	—jjrambo [5]

	“	Poor guy going to get his chopped off by the russian mafia... who will then send head to MS to claim reward...	„
	—Beastage

	“	Does anyone see the basic problem here? Microsoft makes an inferior product with security vulnerabilities they don't fix before release. There is no amount of discussion that will fix that. Wouldn't the $250,000 be better spent on making a better product?	„
	—bentripn [6]

	“	Hm... I have an idea. We pay some poor people 10k, he pretends to be a creator of this, he goes to jail, his family is happy, you get 240k and enjoy your life.	„
	—FoxieFoxie

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Things that Conficker does

Avoiding infection by Conficker, for dummies

You wouldn't want pinworms crawling around in your rectum, so treat your computer with the same respect

Just as you should have safe sex, don't share USBs like a junkie would heroin needles.

• Controls the operations of your entire computer.
• Freezes your mouse and keyboard
• Wipes your hard drive
• All your passwords, credit card info, personal information leaked to Conficker's creators.
• At startup, login, and during use of the Windows OS, it alerts you that your copy of Windows is not genuine

People and groups afflicted by Conficker

• The UK Government House of Commons
• The UK Naval Fleet
• UK MoD
• France
• Germany
• Furfags
• Niggers
• Your school
• Your university
• Your workplace
• Your mother
• You

When Conficker will hit again

• April 1, 2009. Be prepared!

NEVERMIND, WE WERE TROLLED.

Reactions

	“	I got a message announcing the installation of Conficker on my Mac as well as a threat to hack into it at any time. (Have screenshot) Since-while Virus Barrier shows no virus--I have been spoofed with 12,000 undeliverable messages pouring back at the rate of 5 per minute. Network Solutions, Intego or Comcast won't help, but I am now blacklisted by SORBS and Spamhaus. The former demands a $50 fine for spamming. I CANNOT SEND ANY EMAIL. The tools I have used to figure this all out are "WhatismyIP.com" and "mxtools.com" Maybe the spoof and the alleged virus are coincidences, but I--and you--should be very WORRIED. Why WOULDN'T the Conficker folks want to be the first ones to sabotage Macs? Any help here? Have we been so exhilarated by Mac's success, ads and rumors, that we are not paying attention? I'm not a Power User, but I've been using all kinds of Macs for 15 years.	„
	—tpdungan

	“	Is there any mac antivirus that can preevent Conflick worm ?	„
	—joe01

	“	Does your of “conflicker” mean you subconsciously associate flicker with botnets, worms and other useless irritants? Me too.	„
	—Gyffes

	“	THREE THINGS FOR CERTAIN: DEATH TAXES MICROSOFT SECURITY HOLE VIRUSES	„
	—kkrimmer

	“	I think that in concept conficker could be used for good instead of infecting millions of computers for some doomsday April 1 scenario but still the person or people who made it must be incredibly intelligent	„
	—Jon Micheals

	“	I crashed my Bicycle, I should have been using LinuX… I gonna Punch those ConF*ckers right in the Nuttz…	„
	—Charlie

	“	This is crazy ! why is this happening!	„
	—spacebob

	“	Software engineers that talented must be working for Apple.	„
	—Kanuck

	“	Well Drones - It is happening - It's happening because they are on Windows - it's happening despite their large IT departments - IT'S NOT HAPPENING ON MACS! Just accept it - your POS OS is so compromised that now our health systems are at risk. FACT Pure Genius - I hope Bill Gates can give away enough money to make up for all the carnage his company has wrought - but I doubt he can....	„
	—MINI Driver

	“	You just cant help yourself can you. You just dont get it!!!!! If each and every one of you beardy-wierdy, tank-top abusing, sandal wearing, penguin loving freaks of nature wrote as many lines of code for linux apps as you do lines of abuse found here and in other comment areas and blogs then the world would be run completely by linux. You slag off the fact that there is a windows PC in the theatre. Its not there to run OpenOffice or pick up some fucking email. The reason a windows PC is in there is because the application THEY want to run isn't available in Open Source or Linux. Why isn't it available? Because you usless fuckers are patrolling comment areas and blogs ready to troll windows failures instead of looking to improve Open Source application availability and properly compete in the market. GET OFF YOUR ARSE. WINDOWS WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND UNTIL YOU USELESS TOSSERS DECIDE OTHERWISE.	„
	—Mungo [7]

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