Birdemic

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Just from the poster you can tell it's a masterpiece.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror, a romantic thriller made in 2008 by visionary director James Nguyen, is widely considered to be the best film that's ever been made ever shit. In fact it's so shit that watching it feels like being fucked up the ass with a wooden dildo (except with less splinters) and by the time you're fifteen minutes in you wish that you were being fucked by the dildo because it would at least distract from the seemingly-endless waves of excrement being wafted at you by Nguyen.

Like many other crappy films (Citizen Kane, The Godfather, The Room - that kind of thing) Boredemic has reached an almost cult status online because the internet is fucking stupid. Screenings, reviews, commentaries and reaction videos (among other faggotry) all perpetuate the rumor that awful films can be worthwhile if they provide some basement dwellers with mild amusement. But that's bollocks.

Shitty, unfunny memes have arisen due to this film, although being shitty they're not liked or enjoyed by anyone other than the Redditfags that no doubt produce them. Being entirely made up of animal fuckers, the citizens of FlorFlan often post about it, even livestream it, on the most popular board ever (tv) and that just gives the general public more reason to hate it.

Thankfully, although it doesn't make up for the pain this horror causes me, Birdemic: Shit and Error is a source of humor and quoting it to your friends endlessly in the playground during recess is guaranteed to produce lulz (not really you fucktarded 13 year old).

The only film about birds that's worse.

The Plot

The Love Story

Turdemic is the tale of an extremely dull yet somehow irresistibly attractive dickface called Rod who manages to seduce (and eventually score with) a model, Nathalie. Either Nathalie is a closet trap or has incredibly low standards because Rob's seduction methods of stalking and being excessively boring seem to work on her. Or it could be because he's rich. Either way, the fact that the fucking tiresome cunt Rod managed to sex with dat fine babe is a constant source of my anger and, my therapist says, the reason that I now only get sexual gratification from kidnapping, rape, murder and other gay fetishes.

Roy makes a lot of money by doing whatever shit he does (business?) and is pals with a stupid cocksucker called Rick who's got a brain so small it could probably fit down your urethra (though it'd look like one of those videos where a snake swallows a dog or whatever). They have a really strong friendship and this friendship is expertly communicated during the film via shitty, awkward dialogue. Another one of the characters I hate in this film, Rick's mere presence on screen fills me with an overpowering desire to cut myself and never stop.

Rod and Nathalie's steamy relationship is kicked up a notch (Is this true love?) and Rod even meets Nathalie's whale-shaped mother. Nathalie's mother, who jerks off to the idea of her daughter becoming a real estate agent, is impressed by Roy's charm money and quickly takes a shine to the tedious shit.

The two lovebirds clearly have a deep connection, demonstrated superbly by the lack of any chemistry between the characters. Finally Rob and Nathalie seal the deal and, after a lengthy dance sequence in a deserted restaurant, fuck hard. The actual sex scene is mostly taken up with shots of their feet, but I assume they fucked hard.

But this beautiful moment was not to last, for out in the star-sprayed night of the city something terrifying was about to occur.

ATTACK!!!!1 HORRER!!!!two!!!!

Even Spiderman hates the fucking birds.

Birds! Over 8,000 birds! (did i get le awesum meme right?)

Shit-tons of birds (and, consequently, shit-tons of bird shit) begin to rain on the city in the early hours of the morning. These birds spit acid and do other crazy shit. In order to escape them, Rod and Nathalie join forces with an ex-marine, Ramsey, (and his qt gf Becky) and arm themselves with weapons coathangers.

On the road, the gang pick up two young children who they kidnap rescue and repeatedly molest care for dearly. These kids are really worthwhile, important elements of the plot are entirely pointless. The children are a drain on the gang's supplies and are generally wastes of fucking space. I hate kids.

More unimportant shit happens

The lovers and their new friends stop of at the beach (for relaxing all cool) and they meet a bird scientist, Dr. Jones, who immediately launches into a lengthy-fucking-rant about shit nobody cares about - the environment and other communist lies.

Later on, while attempting to take a dump in a toilet field, Becky gets killed by one of the birds and, after a tense and emotional scene, Ramsey also dies while trying to save some civilians trapped for some reason on a bus. While attempting to rescue the stupid cunts he gets sprayed with acid and melts into a sexy puddle.

In another scary scene the guys enter a forest and meet a treehugging freak (wearing an obvious wig which is obvious) who thinks the trees talk to him about shit. Then, thank God, the fucker dies.

Reviews

	“	Fantastic!	„
	—Writer, director and producer - James Nguyen

	“	Brilliant!	„
	—Writer, director and producer - James Nguyen

	“	What a movie!	„
	—Writer, director and producer - James Nguyen

	“	Sound? The sound was the best bit!	„
	—Writer, director, producer and sound engineer - James Nguyen

	“	Well I, for one, LOVED the effects!	„
	—Writer, director, producer and the guy who paid for the CGI - James Nguyen

	“	I demand an Oscar for Alan's performance of Roy! Or was it Rod?	„
	—Writer, director and producer - James Nguyen

	“	I demand a female equivalent of an Oscar for that woman's performance!	„
	—Writer, director, producer and casting director - James Nguyen

	“	If this film doesn't get a sequel, I'll be shocked!	„
	—Writer, director and producer - James Nguyen

	“	Awful. Piece of shit.	„
	—Most other people

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Videos

WARNING: INTENSE, TERRIFYING IMAGERY

The gang fight off some scary birds.

The worst song in a film ever? The worst song in a film ever!

In which there is a lot of clapping and poorly edited sound.

Rod totally picks up some hot babe.

The director speaks.

Rifftrax try to be funny... how's that working out?

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See also

• That Guy With The Glasses
• The Room
• Troll 2

Birdemic is part of a series on Media Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage.