Mumsnet

Mumsnet is a militant feminazi discussion forum run by man-hating lesbians. As such, it is fruit right ripe for the plucking by any brave warrior who dare venture therein.

The name is a relic of pre-equality legislation times, when only dykes who had accidentally sprogged were allowed to participate, swapping tips about the best way to bring up their children to be homosexual (once they had finished abusing them because they were too old).

However, these days the site reluctantly has to allow (GASP!) men to participate. And they do not at all discriminate against the few male posters by banning them disproportionately. Oh, no, no way.

The demented harpies that mill aimlessly around spoiling for a passive-aggressive bitchfest or a spot of "Keeping up with the Joneses" are such ardent troll hunters that the forum actually has a "No troll-hunting" policy. Needless to say, this is ignored whenever the moderators have a blob on or are otherwise distracted (perhaps by the thought of dressing up dollies or somesuch).

However, this supposed strength is their greatest weakness and offers the irresistible challenge of trolling without being seen to troll, in order to provoke a troll-hunting reaction so that you can report the troll-hunter to the moderators.

They proudly refer to themselves as "The Nest Of Vipers", the poor, deluded fluffy-headed darlings.

Key features

• A shit one-off webcrossing type model that doesn't allow you to preview, edit or delete your posts. Think twice before you press that button. The slightest slip might betray you.

• A private message system by which you can stealth troll, sending bitchy comments about other posters and generally swaying the easily-impressionable female mind with poisonous doubts about their online 'friends'.

• A shit list of acronyms that takes at least 100 years to figure out. DD is "Darling Daughter" for instance, "DSD" is "Darling Step-Daughter", etc. (If in doubt, make up your own and refuse to explain what they mean or even refer to them.

"Am I Being Unresonable?"

Otherwise known as "AIBU", this is the folder in which the action is to be found. There is nothing that wimminz like better than a chance to bitch and rage and generally have a tantrum at complete strangers, safe behind their computer screen. If you enter this folder, you are asking for it.

Trolling methods

• Start an AIBU thread with a completely outrageous scenario and a completely pathetic (fictional) reaction, then ask "AIBU?". The womyn will be all like "You need to grow a pair!" etc. Act as though you haven't heard them, and just keep reiterating the same scenario from different angles. See how long you can keep them going.

• Start a thread with a vague premise, then "drip-feed" further info as the thread develops. "Drip-feeding" drives them into paroxysms of rage. Apologise for drip-feeding. Then continue to drip-feed. (Extra points if you can manage to completely change the essence of your initial post every few "drips").

• Pick someone who is BU or isn't BU, and then either defend them to the hilt or attack them without mercy.

• Start an outrageously boastful thread (such as: "My gardener refuses to climb my Banyan Tree to prune its upper foliage, because he thinks that a 30 foot ladder might not reach the top of the conservatory. I say that I pay him £300 an hour to perform and he should get on with it. AIBU?"). "Drip-feed" further details of your extravagant lifestyle. This will draw forth accusations of "stealth boasting" from the assorted green-eyed monsters who are stuck in their shitty council semis with five squalling fucktrophies to feed out of £27 a week benefits. Once you have their attention, proceed to do the same every other time you post on any thread at all.

• Come onto the threads pretending to be a woman-hating man looking for a date. When you are laughed at, claim you are actually a female looking for a man and got confused because you thought this was a man-hating site. It makes no sense, but it will provoke them to try to explain what you're up to.

• Post "LTB!" ("Leave the bastard!") in any relationship-related thread. You don't need to explain why, because the other poster will leap in to explain why she shouldn't LTB, and you can take it from there. This works especially well if you can twist the "bastard's" totally reasonable behaviour so that it seems hugely passive-aggressive (e.g., "He brought you flowers? LTB! He's trying to bribe his way into your bed!")

• If any even faintly unusual behaviour is described, perform an instant e-diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Viewed through the mumsnet groupthink prism, if you are not completely normal then you have either or both of these conditions. Come out with some waffly bullshit by way of explanation/analysis. They don't know what they're talking about either.

Bonus score method

Start a meme that ends up in the UK's national press.

This is money for old wank, as half the journalists in Britain lurk on mumsnet waiting to smash and grab a promising in-joke before flogging it to death in print the next day.

Examples include the pathetically unfunny "Penis beaker" saga in which one poster claimed her DH washed his wanger after marital ghastliness. This might amuse a retard for ten seconds, but it kept mumsnet busy for a week and ended up filling page leads in several national papers including the Daily Mail (with which Mumsnet has a co-dependent relationship).

See also

• Feminazis
• Lesbian bed death
• Welfare
• Bitches
• In the kitchen
• Domestic violence

External links

Mumsnet itself

Not to be confused with

Netmums, an inferior hunting ground for trolls because the posters are mainly US women and as such tend to know their rightful place is on their backs making babies or over the stove making dinner.