Newgrounds/BBS/Members

Members The following table chronicles the most common Jewgrounds BBS Member Archetypes
Archetype Nomenclature	The Furfag	The "Gangster"-Whore	The Female	The Fatty	The Disturbed Loner	The Suckup	The Failure	The Virgin	The Corrupt Administrator
	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]
Specific Instances & Subgroups	DragonsGrief (Pounce), Slash Firestorm, SCTE3	The Wigger-Jew	Kagoe, RKthrilla	PureCarnage, Sanity-of-Insanity, TSStudios	Livecorpse, Jeff Weise, Sirtom93	BlueHippo, Various Mods	LardLord, DrForeman aka Dickneck Dogmeat	The-Great-One, Ajgourlie, 066pop	WadeFulp

The Furfag

DragonsGrief's account can be located here. Update: DragonsGrief currently goes by the username of Pounce. DragonsGrief can currently be found playing World of Warcraft on the U.S. Realm Mannoroth. He plays a female human priest named / Seriana.

DragonsGrief: Unabashed furfag, crossdressing homosexual, lover of yiff porn, and forum regular.

	“	I don't like the attention. Negative, or positive. Anymore, at least. It's becoming weary when I just want to +1 post then I get assaulted by "LOL TRANNY" every time. Like I said, if it wasn't ED, I would care. I've already been IP banned from every site except 4chan I posted the pictures in, and I haven't crossdressed pretty much in 4 or so months now. That picture there will remind me forever never to do something like this again. Hard lesson well learned.	„
	—Sometimes, Encyclopedia Dramatica really does add to the greater good.

Further permeation of Furry bullshit.

DragonsGrief leads the pack, and in fact has come to define, this reviled Forum subset with his strange and undeniably fetish-motivated antics that even the most dedicated homosexuals on the forum have a difficult time trying to justify.

In particular, a recent incident occurred in which DragonsGrief found himself in possession of two pillbottles filled to the brim with Estrofem and Spironolactone, which would begin to transform his body into that of a transsexual. He proceeded to post regular updates on his progress towards actually becoming a tranny, over the course of several months. His topic became an over 9000-page cesspool of unwarranted sympathy and butthurt concerning the teenager's supposedly "shitty" life, which led him towards the long and winding path of transsexuality.

How DG likes to spend his free time. Srsly.

The remainder of this sexually conflicted populace is, like DragonsGrief, unapologetically queer and unfunny users, who are usually teenagers, whom lower users repeatedly seduce via salacious Private Messages (see "The Suckup" below) in order to convince the alleged furfag to post more furry pornography on his userpage. Even though they are probably neither counted amongst the ranks of the gay or furry legions, all Jewgrounds users, as a term of the contract which they signed to become a user, are still required to drool all over their keyboards with their dicks out.

A furfag will stroll into a thread expecting to have their asshole munched by the massive ranks of 13-year-old boys who look up to them. Most likely, this will happen in at least 100 percent of these events.

The "Gangster"-Whore

Uh oh...

A subcategory of user, semi-related to the furfag, in that they can quite literally be classified as sub-human and that their kind offers little to advance the common interest of that species (minus, thankfully, yiff pornography). Usually, the white trash that makes up most of these users know how to manipulate the 13-year-old faggots to their will, vaguely offering a chance to be noticed in exchange for attention.

In essence, the typical whore of the Jewgrounds forum is always a black person, and often a wigger, with a self-proclaimed obsession with rap music to boot. In broken jive-english, he proclaims,

	“	*Im probably the only Black Gangster up on this site with an actual Arrest Record. But fuck it! if yall motha Fuckas cool with me im cool with yall *I make hardcore Street Rap Beats *just let me Handle some copyright shit and ill post em up later	„

As a result of his abiding love for hardcore Hip-Hop music, he can often be found, lurking in the seedy underbelly of the audio portal; the "hood," if one is to indulge in the Whore's fantastical overuse of words that, in his humble view, lend him "street cred" against rival wigger gangs who populate the neighboring urban sprawl of the audio portal and forum. When rival "black person" cross paths, they, without fail, furrow their apelike brows in sweaty concentration and reach for their trusty Uzis, and .22 caliber pistols, before holding them awkwardly sideways in the only way they know how and carrying out the natural selection that the more developed end of the human spectrum has already largely transcended.

Because of this constant state of natural selection in action, the Gangster-Whore is thankfully now a dying breed.

The Wigger-Jew

Perhaps among the most facepalm-worthy groups of Jewgrounds, the Wigger-Jew subculture has begun to pervade the forums, as well as well as the Flash portal, with a stunning rapidity that can only be attributed to White, Jewish Gen X'ers forgetting to wear condoms in mid-1995.

WE RUN THIS BLOCK NIGGA.

Jewgrounds's famed "Wigger-Jew".

Within the "Gangster"-Whore sphere of influence the Wigger-Jew does exist but is made distinct by the specificity of the clan. A result of a mistake on the part of a group of intrepid social experimenters, this combination of undesirable genes has yielded exactly the apish offspring that any reasonable person would expect when a money-grubbing, fat-nosed Jew is crossed with a white person who actually aspires to be a monkey by enjoying monkey pastimes, such as rap music.

He is often observed wearing a Spongebob Squarepants T-Shirt along with a Crips-Style bandana in the hopes that it makes him appear hardcore. Clearly, though, it just exposes him for being the faggot he is, trying to emulate the aforementioned black person by spewing such ridiculous, subhuman phrases as "HEY MAYN, WE GON' WHOOP DAT TRICK, CUZ WE ALL UP IN DIS HOOD LIKE A DICK IN A STANKY HOE, NIGGA!"

Clear Wigger-Jew Example [-+]

Unsuccessful Laboratory Crossbreed: The Wigger-Jew Hybrid

	“	Chanukkah? / No, that's over So, yo, / don't get passed over Get your ass over / to my pad it's Passover I'm the mad flow-er Smooth-E teamin' / and I hope you understand it If you want the story of Passover / rent "The 10 Commandments" Starring Charlton Heston / but I got a question 'Bout the bread that is unleavened / causin' indigestion called MATZAH! Eat it for a week / we gotsta No bread, no pasta / best believe a Jew is stopped up.	„
	—Anonymous Wigger-Jew crossbreed.

Sadly, while the "Gangster"-Whore excitedly jumps at every chance to naturally select with a .22 caliber pistol held at a rakish angle, the Wigger-Jew is morally opposed and / or a pussy when faced with violence, and is thus unintentionally causing a wide proliferation of his kind all around Jewgrounds, and the entire internet.

The Female

A true rarity on Newgrounds, they are usually either 40 year-old truckers; perverted men who get pics from Myspace and act like they're a girl; whores who post pictures of themselves; or ugly shemales, refusing to post pics.

None of them are, however, actual women because we all know there are no girls on the internet. The illusion of conversing with the fairer sex is comforting, though, to those who are unable to do so IRL.

Although, technically, there are limited number of actual females on Jewgrounds, these can hardly be defined as such because their prodigious girth, incredibly unattractive features, dykish-lesbianity, and all other physical characteristics combine to make a wholly unfeminine form. Frankly, these characteristics tend to create a picture that is a totally separate entity from Humanity itself, as well. For this reason, it is easier to simply define Jewgrounds as female-devoid altogether.

The average Newgrounds forum user will pine away for the chance to nuzzle their faces in these purportedly "female" breasts almost as much as they will dream of placing an Admin's penis into their salivating mouth. The "females" all enjoy this because they are all actually pedophiles, trying to hook up with some of the many underage users and proceed to rape them mercilessly.

Kagoe

Quite possibly the most defining user in Newgrounds' entire userbase is a 12-year-old virgin who apparently claims to be a girl, although the picture of her leaked onto her faggot brother's userpage suggests otherwise. (Yes, it's really her) Typical narutard gaiafag who is trolled so easily to the extent where it's gotten boring for all of the veteran oldfags. A visit to her blog will illustrate exactly how much of a stereotypical idiot she is.

As if it couldn't get even more lulzy, her brother demonstrates that idiocy seems to run in the family. An emo faggot who calls himself GOTHCLAWZ who apparently denies all allegations that he's a goth (lolwut?) who is apparently 15 yet has even lower intelligence than his sister (which is really, really frightening). Although GOTHCLAWZ has admitted repeatedly to performing incestual acts on his younger sister, he often appears as being aggresive towards her, resulting in the two looking like a married couple. In such a dysfunctional family, it's automatically likely.

The most-common iteration of the Jewgrounds Female

One point regarding Kagoe that makes her such a fine specimen for trolling is that she takes it very personally, and will often write whole blog entries as well as hate lists to demonstrate her hatred towards the patriotic trolls of Newgrounds. This, of course, prompts over 9000 times as much trolling in response. After such a high volume of win, she still doesn't quite understand the concept of trolling, yet so frequently attempts it herself.

Her brother, GOTHCLAWZ, has also admitted to being technically a paedophile. He thinks it's okay because he's a minor himself. Partyvan is imminent. GOTHCLAWZ is also renowned as being the biggiest attention whore on Jewgrounds, as the over 9000 times he tried to get attention, he usually fails in each. However he does have Asperger's Syndrome which might make him seem like he's searching for attention. His most extreme case was when he made a blog entry stating that he was going to kill himself (prompting minimal numbers of comments, seriously, there was less than 20), and returned a few days later, after a few users have pointed out that he started signing into MSN again, he claimed he was given his laptop & got Internet from his Hospital bed. As soon as the other's on the Internet heard about him coming online again, he returned saying that his attempt failed, and that he stabbed himself with a butcher knife through his stomach into his rib at the back and it didn't kill him. Apparently, he miraculously recovered to conciousness in a few days and returned to Jewgrounds with a bandaged & punctured stomach.

Since the few users who weren't fucking retarded requested video footage of his scar, he posted a shitty video on YouTube in which you couldn't see a scar. Seriously, the area which he claimed to stab himself was clean. He said that the reason his scar isn't visible is because of bad lighting. Since then, he has dropped all references to this failed attempt at becoming an hero, and no one has raised question because nobody cares. It is most likely that GOTHCLAWZ was attempting to seek attention, or an Asperger's action.

Oh, by the way, Kagoe owns a lame Naruto forum of which GOTHCLAWZ is attempting to co-admin. LULZ

The Fatty

The quintessence of Jewgrounds Membership.

One of the most common occurrences on not just Jewgrounds, but the entire expanse of the internet, the fatty can most often be observed doing some or all of the following things simultaneously:

• Consuming High Fructose Corn Syrup

• Drinking Non-diet Soda

• Eating processed foods drenched in cholesterol

• Dieting, but failing

• Shoveling raw sugar into his cavity-riddled mouth

• Posting lazily on the Jewgrounds Forum

Often being of the Virgin persuasion as well as of the Fatty, he often finds himself spending his days in front of the computer screen, having no real friends, and nothing, really, to do besides stare forlornly into the mass of pixels that serves as a shield from harsh reality, wondering at what might have been. Sometimes, a Fatty is fat because his obese parents decided to fuck instead of carrying out the will of god, and abstaining. Mostly, though, the Fatty is fat because he eats copiously, and staunchly refuses to exercise on the grounds that his "high metabolism is going to kick in any day now."

The fatty, having just masturbated to internet pornography.

This lack of exercise is facilitated by his engagement in the inner workings of the Jewgrounds Forums (in particular, The General Forum), where he quickly tends to wrack up a massive quantity of worthless posts, in the hopes that it makes him more acceptable to society at large. What he fails to realize, though, is that what happens on the internet, stays on the internet. IRL, he will remain a failure, even if on the internets he is a star.

By the time he is forty five, semi-bedridden and unemployed, earning approximately the same salary as a subsistence farmer in Nigeria, he will realize that perhaps, if only he had moved his legs up and out of that computer chair, if only he had stopped blaming his obesity on metabolism, if only he had gotten up and done something instead of sitting and staring as the stupidity fluttered by his eyes on an obscure little corner of the internet, maybe he wouldn't be consuming his weight in potato chips on weekly basis, and maybe his body wouldn't be wider than it was tall. Maybe he would have gained the motivation to better his life, to start anew.

Maybe, but probably not.

The Disturbed Loner

Denoted by their "dark", brooding aura, by their "Punk" hairstyles, and by their fierce dedication to violence and depiction thereof, seeing a Disturbed Loner is a common occurrence whilst browsing the forums.

Friendless Loner is friendless.

The Disturbed loner truly has only one goal in life: this is to create a massive butthurt bomb on a scale far beyond the modest attempts of BBS griefers. Rather than simply causing a mod to scratch his/her hair-engulfed ass in delicate anticipation of flicking the miniscule user off of the body of Jewgrounds, these angsty teens use an altogether more meaningful medium to exact their revenge on the society that has forsaken them; namely, irl.

Instead of the keyboard, the Disturbed Loner uses a Tec-9. Instead of an internet forum, the Disturbed Loner prefers a local and convenient high school.

Jeff Weise

A prime example of the Disturbed Loner, Jeff lived in a self-described "Weed-induced coma" during the greater portion of his life. As such, it is natural to nod in understanding when we learn that this Native American teenager possessed a few newgrounds accounts.

A screenshot of the game "Red Lake School"

On the morning of March 21, 2005, Weise was attempting to play a first person shooter video game entitled "Red Lake School." At the time, Weise was stoned out of his mind, and thus was unable to recognize that "Red Lake School" was not the mainstream, yet captivating title that he was in perpetual search of as a member of the video game-addicted population of Jewgrounds. Jeff, though, did recognize that there were significant flaws in the infrastructure of the game, and therefore reasoned that "Red Lake School" was actually a beta test of a video game which would soon be released to the public, but only after the glitches were ironed out.

It being every Jewgrounds user's dream to test video games as a career, Mr Weise gallantly attempted to assist these intrepid programmers, knowing in his heart that it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do, and that it would gain him valuable experience points in the field of study which he later intended to occupy. After several hours of virulent testing, Weise came to several important conclusions about "Red Lake School".

• He felt certain that the difficulty level of the game was set too low; the opponents barely fought back at all.

• He was deeply impressed by the physics engine of the game — such low system requirements for such incredible results!

• The sound effects, he discovered, while realistic, were hardly entertaining enough on their own without mood music

• He was rather annoyed by the lack of explosive weapon categories to make plentiful use of.

• The scenery was among the worst he had ever seen, even in a preliminary-stage video game ("A SCHOOL?" thought he, "Who the fuck's idea was that?")

Nothin' but a Native American, teenage-stoner-industrialist, Newgrounds addicted mass murderer.

With his list of grievances, young Jeff sent a comprehensive letter to EA, the official distributors of the game, telling the wayward company what a thousand focus groups could not: what, exactly, needed alteration in "Red Lake School".

EA, being douchebags of self-proclaimed authority on Video Games, never actually read Weise's letter, and failed to act on all but one of Weise's brilliant suggestions and observations. Finding it in the best interests of selling more copies of the game, they programmed an increase in difficulty after level 42, which brought a significant and perhaps insurmountable challenge to Jeff, who made a personal commitment to beat the game, whatever the cost to his social life.

Surprising him from behind, the first credible opposition he had faced in the game became his focus. It was some kind of paramilitary force, dressed in Blue uniforms and strange golden badges. Clearly they were foreign, but of what ethnicity could they be? German? Russian? Jeff was intrigued.

Peering through the scope of his rifle so as to gain a better glimpse of his opposition, Jeff had forgotten to take an all-important step that this game uniquely possessed. In its attempts to simulate reality, EA had incorporated a "gun safety" feature into the weaponry, which Mr. Weise had failed to engage. As Jeff stared down through the scope, he was perplexed by the fact that the image in his scope appeared smaller, rather than magnified as it should be. Realizing that the scope was reversed, Jeff attempted to expertly flip the rifle around in order to gain the closer viewpoint which he desired. Not being an expert, of course, Jeff brushed his hand against the trigger, and in the process blew off his head. Jeff had also failed to glance up his Heads-Up Display, clearly indicating that he had only one life remaining, which he was currently living out.

When the game was released publicly a day later, it was universally panned.

LiveCorpse

During his short tenure on Jewgrounds, which ended rather an heroically in 2005, LiveCorpse exemplified the ultimate Jewgroundian archetype, submitting scads of unwatchable flash animations which redefined the word "failure." And yet to many of his blindly devoted followers (the blind being led by the blind), his angsty and violent departure was met by actual sadness. The question is thus begged: How is it possible that these people were not aware of the abhorrent quality of LiveCorpse's flash résumé? And how is it possible that, assuming they had actually seen one of his "animations," they would have been deemed it in their eyes worthy of repect, or even lukewarm praise?

If nothing else, LiveCorpse was able to prove beyond doubt that quality control is virtually nonexistent on Jewgrounds. Truthing.

Despite the sympathetic legends that surround his seedy persona, the sad truth is that Livecorpse (More like DEADcorpse, amirite? lol) was a talentless faggot who was named "Adam Fulton." Adam lived in poverty, sucking cocks so that he could afford his daily crack fix, and being the first spammer to fill Jewgrounds with his generally pathetic bullshit about his twisted deviant desires.

One day, he was drinking fire-water with an Injun friend of his, who, due to the red man's extreme weakness for alcohol, attempted to give Adam the gift of suprise buttsecks. This, combined with the fact his pimp/landlord had beaten his ass the night before for not having the loot finally drove Adam over the edge. Adam "poked" the big red savage with a knife, in an attempt to "warn him to knock it off."

In a sort of reverse-reenactment of the events leading up to the Trail of Tears, The savage redskin fled into the night, and contacted the cops. Adam took flight, and in his escape, shot a cop but failed to kill the officer. Adam hid from the police from the next few days, basically living a real-life GTA game in which he stole cars, ran over hookers and became king of the streets. Well, not really, he basically cowered in a dumpster that substituted for his now-unavailable hugbox.

Realizing he would never escape prison without his poopchute being expanded to easily accommodate a size 9 shoe, Adam snuck back into his apartment, wrote a suicide E-mail, sent it to his family and Tom Fulp (Who later plastered it postmortem across Jewgrounds's front page for teh lulz), and then became an hero of the most prolific sort.

Sirtom93

Interesting Fact: This article contains someone who fails at being an hero.

Thomas Briggs (aka Sirtom93) is a failed an hero who wanted to go Columbine on his school but ended up v&.

The story started at 10:40AM GMT on the internet's favourite place for depressed teenage goths, Newgrounds. He stupidly told his favourite forum his devious plans before skipping off to school, tooled up in as impressive a manner as a Brit can - i.e., rather lame.

	“	Today at 11:30 GMT I will attack my school with arson and other forms of violence. Those bastards will pay. I have cans, matches, lighter, knives, compressed explosives. Shit will go down in flames.	„
	— Sirtom93 initiating his downfall

The Newgrounds forum, a particularly attractive location for school shooters, was quick on the case, with a Canadian phoning up the police in Norwich and others calling his school, so that when he arrived (tardy!) he was taken aside, searched and detained.

	“	They searched him during a lesson and found a knife, matches and a canister of flammable liquid.	„
	— The Sun, telling us the faggot only had one knife and no compressed explosives. Fucking internet tough guy.

Soon, the police turned up and hauled him in, and that night he found himself detained under the mental health act, wrapped up in a straightjacket so he couldn't smear his faeces on the wall.

	“	I love it when guys shit on my face.	„
	— Sirtom93s final post

	“	I knew getting him that gameboy color would overstimulate him!.	„
	— Thomas Briggs' Mother

Next time, try self-harm.

The Suckup

Excessively common, these users not only kiss ass, but try to say they do not kiss ass. Made up of the newfags who don't oppose the majority of Newgrounds regulars, they will kiss the ass of the first person with a post count of over 9000, and immediately change sides if their hero is being sufficiently pwn3d.

The Suckup defends himself from criticisms of ulterior motives using the last refuge of the butthurt. This is known as the "Bigger Man" argument, and it has the dubious benefit of making the user look like a complete jackass, while also counting as an immediate forfeiture of high ground in due process of the argument in question.[-+]

The Failure

Excessive use of emoticons is a signature trait.

They are generally identified by their overuse of the Newgrounds emoticons, especially the "Blushing" face, the "Mad as Hell" face, and the ever-popular, always-in-style, aptly-named "Agnry Faic[sic]." The Failure tends to use these in combination with every post he makes, in order to attract more attention to himself.

Happy 20^th birthday from mom, you little long-haired, faggoty, basement-dweller, you!

These users are most commonly Preteen faggots who generate massive amounts of lulz, given the right conditions. Whenever one of these sorry users is pushed over the edge by flaming, pwnage, or mass hate they either pussy out of Newgrounds, or attempt a last stand to save their ego.

The failure comes in a variety of forms, some worse than others. Like the Suckup, many failures enjoy using the "Bigger Man Argument" to defend themselves when confronted. When they finally do leave due to flaming and personal attacks, they normally make promises to never, EVAR, come back. Just like other failures, they tend not to keep that promise.

	“	YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME BITCH IM 14 LIFT 250 POUNDS AND CAN KICK YOUR ASS YOU DON'T FUCK WITH THE BEST I KICK YOUR ASS NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY YOUR 5 YOU HAVE NO LIFE AND CAN'T SAY SHIT YOU KNOW WHY? CUZ YOUR MY BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT YOU SUCK MY COCK YOU LITTLE WHORE FUCK BAG IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU SUCK MY COCK BITCH YOU LITTLE FUCKSTICK BITCH COMMON YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME YOUR A DUMBASS YOU LIKE COCK! YOU JUST GOT BITCH SLAPPED HOMOSEXUAL IM SMARTER IN EVERY WAY BECAUSE IM READY FOR COLLEGE AT MY AGE WHICH MEANS YOUR A DUMBASS SO YA KNOW WHAT STFU STFU STFU SUCK MY DICK BITCH UNEARTH JUST OWNED YOUR ASS	„
	—-Infamous Quote of a well-known Jewgrounds-based Failure.

In keeping with the proud Jewgrounds tradition of complete failure and self-pwnage, often the blog system is utilized to upload a final farewell to the uncaring community, complete with massive amounts of tears, pussy rubbing and butthurt, only to be deleted days later, when The Failure returns, this time, with a greater fear of RL where claiming to be a "1337 hax0r" can earn one surprise buttsex.

LardLord and his exploits

A subcategory of "The Failure" and a category all to himself, LardLord is the type of Pro-American, Genital- flaunting, atheistic, Mensa Member that is best dealt with by traveling back in time, and flooding his mother's uterus with Hydrochloric Acid before she has a chance to procreate.

An unsightly man shan't be parted from his own Nudie shots.

Chalupas, arousals, and rectal examinations, OH MY!

After posting gratuitously explicit pictures of his own testicles, as viewed from the back, LardLord also made sure to post about his recent Doctor's Office Visit, in which he found himself on the receiving end of an erotic anal probe. Not only did our young virgin friend become aroused by his doctor's experienced and heavily-lubed hands, but he also took an "involuntary" shit on her table. Next time, he supposes, it would be prudent to lay off the roughage and Mexican food.

	“	Into a Dixie cup. then I drink it up. Actually, since it's high in fructose and glucose, it's mildly sweet and sugary.	„
	—LardLord, Responding to the question "What is your favorite place to cum?"

UPDATE: LardLord is now impotent, after performing "sexual experimentation" upon himself. For future reference, shoving a magic wand up your asshole is a great way to impress your friends.

EVEN MOAR UPDATE: LardLord has lost any shred of credibility he might once have possessed, now that he has actually abandoned all pretense of self-control, and gone on a gay, drunken, bar-hopping rampage, and awakened in a hotel room to find an aerosol can lodged in his ass.

ANOTHER UPDATE: LardLord got trolled and attempted to attack the credibility of others.

The Virgin

Comprising 99.8% of the Jewgrounds userbase, they are easily denoted by their obsession with tits, masturbation and pornography. Virgins are usually the first to call shenanigans when another user makes mention of his/her sexual experience.

Lacking any knowledge of where cock goes, he spends much effort vainly attempting to fool others into believing that he hase extensive first-hand sexual expertise in regards to the many submissive Azn concubines he claims to have had. It is painfully clear, however, that this young failure has no actual expertise beyond the fateful conjunction of the left hand, sock, and penis; nor that he ever will, beyond a heartfelt stare into the piercing eyes of Chris Hansen as those prophesied words echo about the Spartan room, and through a conflicted mind-- Why don't you take a seat over there...

Jewgrounders are more interested in whether or not she's playing Pokémon.

A rule of thumb for determining whether or not a user falls into this category is employment of the simple question:

	“	Is this person a registered Jewgrounds user?	„

If the answer to the aforementioned question is anything even remotely resembling an affirmative, you could safely gamble your entire life savings, as well as your extended family members, safe in the knowledge that your monies will be safe, and your family not enslaved, so long as you realize that the user in question was a virgin, is a virgin, and without any reasonable doubt in mind, will be a virgin until he takes his final, shuddering, and unsatisfied breath, staring longingly at the tits of the hot nurse leaning seductively over his sickbed.

Oh, how he wishes he could fondle those breasts, or even casually brush his hand against their shapely and supple but ever-obscured wonder, for just one time. He has but one opportunity. One second remains in his life. And then his eyes roll back in his head, and the nurse pulls a white sheet over his head. He can never know in his death, that as she performs this mechanical duty, her prodigious tits brush softly against his parted lips, ironically fulfilling his lifelong lustful wish, mere seconds after the last breath leaves his virgin lips...

Use scrollbar to see the full image

A simple formula to determine the likelihood of a Jewgrounds Virgin ever having sex is as follows: Note that: TimeSpentOnJewgrounds must always = (Age of User - 13) and is measured in years And NumberOfPreviousSexSessions must always = 0 for Jewgrounds users, thereby creating a final solution of Division by Zero.

The-"Great"-One

Acne is always a plus.

Sunglasses transplanted from 1982 do not a sexy teen make.

One such future-Dateline NBC star, and perhaps the ultimate poster-boy of the virgin cause, is a young and highly deluded user with an inflated and unreasonable concept of self, who has chosen to humbly refer to himself as "The-Great-One" -- an especially odd moniker to place upon his forehead, given the horrifying condition of his face and mildly "not slim" stature. Acne medication has never been further from any man's mind than The-Great-One. Henceforth, The-Great-One will serve as a microcosm of the greater movement on Jewgrounds, of blatant, mortifying Virginity.

Blissfully unaware of the stares he elicits, even from the modest-looking pool of users who frequent Jewgrounds, the Virgin parades his subhuman rolls of pocked fat around the forums as if they were gold coins to be traded in a World of Warcraft auction, rather than the classical symptoms of a lack of self-control when it comes to Twinkies and two-liters of Shasta.

It's difficult to express the frustration of Virignity without the use of interpretive theater.

Clearly, the Virgin has no outlet for the sexual tension that has been building in his body and mind for most of his life. Thus, he must resort to bizarre forms of roleplay — with himself, no less — to relieve this pressure. Here we see the Virgin presenting his "erected" and metaphorical phallus before the phantom female who inhabits his lonely mind, roleplayed by his male friend seen to the Virgin's immediate right. This elaborate ritual plays out every night within the safe and sturdy confines of the Virgin's room, lest anyone jump to hasty assumptions about the Virgin's odd intentions, and/or sexual preferences.

The Virgin, however, comes in many varieties; The-"Great"-One is merely a solitary example of a cultural phenomenon that is the rule itself, not the exception, on Jewgrounds. There are Virgins of every minority, size, political persuasion, seniority, *Gag Reflex*, and essentially any other disgusting combination of elements lumped together in a beastly amalgamation that sits on the tenuous border between the edge of reality, and the Twilight Zone.

These users, young and old, despite all physical flaws, despite all character flaws, could possibly in some corruption of the Laws of Physics, have a meager shot at the possibility of some form of contact with the opposing sex. The only factor preventing these users from that possibility of a possibility is the fact that they spend every waking moment of their lives browsing the vacuous forums of Jewgrounds, searching for a camaraderie with their kin, instead of browsing reality for a mate, like they're designed to.

Ajgourlie

Another gay-twat-virgin on Jewgrounds is ajgourlie, An assburgers sufferer and all-around stupid cunt. ajgourlie spends his time spamming Poogrounds blogs with enlightened conversations such as: LOL YOUR GAY FAGGOT!!! [text picture of middle finger] FAGGOT!!! In addition to this, ajgourlie has admitted that he has yet to traverse across the line in the sand, which separates the sexually-deprived from the -experienced.

	“	I am a boy who loves girls and will do anything to be respected [even performing sexual favors on fellow men if it will earn me adoration!]. I will bring love and justice to the world. Beleive It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	„

Believe it? Oh, yes, he believes it. He also mistakenly believes he has an attractive and similarly-aged "girlfriend" named HAYLEY who he "met ... in a CHATROOM!!!" But he fails to realize that in actuality she's a transvestite 40-year-old man, who desires fresh pickings on young dicks.

ajgoulie also talk's about his 'pappy' who he thinks is the best dad in the world 'cause he bought the prepubescent shit a cellphone, in exchange for daily rapings and molestation (Simliar, intriguingly, to Wade Fulp's captivity situation!). He believes his dad is the reason why he's the "good man" he is today, which is quite a condemnation of his father, 'cause he's a total annoying gay-cunt.

Lulzily enough, ajgourlie also enjoy's posting personal information. So to shut this little twatter up, ED orders you to call his cellphone over 9000 times a day, and flame the shit out of him. Also, ask to speak with the child's father, in order to tell him how much of a fucktard he is, and that his son is posting his phone number on the internets. This should earn ajgourlie extra raepings for at least 100 days following the phone call. Also, he's a canadafag.

Ajgourlie's Contact Info & Commentary
416-431-2252 my phONE # CALL ME GIES MY CELL PHON # U CAN THANK MY DADDY 4 DAT!! LOLZ!!!
http://profiles.friendster.com/84839473 ma frienster profile ADD ME PLS!!!
[email protected] my msn pls add me an talk 2 me PLS!!

The Corrupt Administrator

The truth that Wade refuses to recognize is cleverly and permanently exposed.

Mugshot.

Brother of Tom Fulp, Wadolf has demonstrated that despite the dubious userbase of the website at which he is employed, he still manages to make himself look like an incompetent fool in comparison to the users with which he liaises, paid more out of Tom's pity than because of Wadolf's nonexistent skillset. Consistently and totally corrupt, Wadolf removes anything on the site that even slightly confronts him, or calls into question his masculinity, massacring all criticism of his seacow of a wife, as well as anything that even mildly suggests a homosexual relationship with his brother that has essentially become a foregone conclusion in recent years. The moniker of "Wadolf" came about after Wade was found to be a blatant believer in Conservatism, calling to mind the famous destroyer of Jews. Jewgrounders are forced to hide in their attics to escape the persecution of Wadolf, or one of his pawns. Ultimately, however, their efforts are in vain.

A tale of woe, and a tale of forced captivity; Wadolf attempts to explain his fascist tendencies in the typical Freudian way. Unfortunately, the Abusive Papa explanation only works for people under 18 years of age at the time of the alleged raep.

Wadolf has long desired to change the iconic Jewgrounds Logo to something slighty more representative.

Recently, though, Wade made an admission of epic proportions. Drunk, perhaps from sipping the intoxicating blood of one of his Jewish victims, Wadolf told a woeful story of abuse and neglect in his childhood early twenties, the majority of which is chronicled in the image to the left. Shortly after making the post, it was deleted, presumably because the old dictator passed out from Jew-blood poisoning, and let his head fall down upon the "DELETE" key. There are, however, alternative theories regarding the deletion. ­ Chiefly among them, that Wade's father (who always favored the younger, less fascist of the two brothers, Tom Fulp), decided that the police would not take kindly to his emotionally-scarred son's accusations of rape as a directionless young man, whereby the elder Fulp seduced the progeny and ruthlessly took advantage of his sexual ambiguity in order to gratify his own bizarre fetishes. Thus, tinfoil-hatters tend to believe that the father had the post baleeted, to perpetuate the silence and shame of his son. ­ ­