University of Phoenix - Revision history

imported>Schnitzel: Reverted edits by Republic (talk) to last revision by Morris

2017-11-25T19:58:27Z

Reverted edits by Republic (talk) to last revision by Morris

@@ Line 57: / Line 57: @@
 ==Phoenix?==
-If you actually live anywhere near Phoenix, [[Arizona]], don't bother with this place. Go to ASU in Tempe. Even Ned Flanders of "The Simpsons" knows how easy it is to get into ASU - after dying and seeing a bunch of sinners in heaven, he said, "Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State." Also, ASU doesn't Jew just to cover tuition and books, leaving you with plenty of money for [[Hookers and blow|other essential educational items]], all at ultra-low interest rates from Uncle Sam. Remember: If you can't get a real degree from ASU, you can always get a job at University of Phoenix - but if you attend, even they won't want to hire you.
+If you actually live anywhere near Phoenix, [[Arizona]], don't bother with this place. Go to ASU in Tempe. Even Ned Flanders of "The Simpsons" knows how easy it is to get into ASU - after dying and seeing a bunch of sinners in heaven, he said, "Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State." Also, ASU doesn't [[Jew|take 100% of your student loan]] just to cover tuition and books, leaving you with plenty of money for [[Hookers and blow|other essential educational items]], all at ultra-low interest rates from Uncle Sam. Remember: If you can't get a real degree from ASU, you can always get a job at University of Phoenix - but if you attend, even they won't want to hire you.
 ==University of Phoenix is raped by [[Black Jesus]]==
@@ Line 66: / Line 66: @@
 As of [[Goofy time|press time]], the [[experts]] are still waiting to hear from the [[The Video Professor 16|Video Professor]] guy.
 ==Known "students" with University of Phoenix==

imported>Gmlw: Thanks, Wayback Machine

2013-10-17T18:51:16Z

Thanks, Wayback Machine

← Older revision	Revision as of 18:51, 17 October 2013
(No difference)

imported>Gmlw: Thanks, Wayback Machine

2013-10-17T18:51:16Z

Thanks, Wayback Machine

← Older revision	Revision as of 18:51, 17 October 2013
(No difference)

imported>Gmlw: Thanks, Wayback Machine

2013-10-17T18:51:16Z

Thanks, Wayback Machine

← Older revision	Revision as of 18:51, 17 October 2013
(No difference)

imported>Gmlw: Thanks, Wayback Machine

2013-10-17T18:51:16Z

Thanks, Wayback Machine

New page

[[Image:Phoenix university banner.jpg|thumb|center|728px|[[NO U|No, you]] am not.]]
[[Image:Uofplogo.jpg|frame|right|Very prestigious.]]

'''University of Phoenix''' is a fictional online university brought to you by the [[retards|innovative minds]] serving the [[failure]] community with inventions such as [[ITT Tech]], [[Kaplan University]], and The Jew Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Providing convenient online courses to basement-dwellers in combination with a wide variety of useless academic degrees, University of Phoenix has established a reputation as a reliable paper mill for keyboard warriors that already have an associate of arts degree in their inventories, are unable to leave their parents' homes to attend a mockery of a campus, or looking to pad the résumé to cheat their way into gainful employment. When they do [[orgasm|finish it]], their final diploma is equivalent to Ron Paul's nomination.

== Tuition ==

Tuition at University of Phoenix is relative to the ass-rape commonly associated with ITT Tech and Kaplan University. The costs are considerably higher, in both monetary value, the tolls inflicted upon the credit score of the student, and the eventual death of the human soul as a direct result of matriculating to University of Phoenix. The main deviation from the structure used by both aforementioned schools is that the students likely attended one or the other as an undergraduate, and [[Asking for it|are fully aware of the consequences]] as a result of their experience.

Payment plans are generally available to the potential students. The initial shock of using both legal tender and loans that accrue interest as opposed to Warcraft gold and [[Second Life]] property deeds usually dissipates within months, but contingencies are in place for those that are unable to make the adjustment. [[Buttsecks|Anal rape]] and Toledo Burritos are now common costs.

== Courses ==

Assuming <s>suckers</s> students have survived the [[MMORPG|MMORPG-like]] lower levels of the pyramid scheme known as online education, students are granted access to the second series of levels in a calculated effort to deceive the <s>suckers</s> students into believing that their [[E-penis|e-penises]] will grow with every useless degree which is bought and paid for with the help of greedy [[Jews|loansharks]].

Courses available for download and third grade-level printed workbooks include:

* [[Theft|Business/Accounting]]
* [[Bureaucratic Fuck|Business/Administration]]
* [[Camwhore|Business/Communication]]
* [[Internet Celebrity|Business/e-Business]]
* [[Jew|Business/Finance]]
* [[Douchebag|Business/Hospitality]]

== Advanced Courses ==

The more industrious students (demonstrated with level 60+ characters in both [[World of Warcraft]] and Star Wars: Battlefront II) are quickly promoted past the second series of levels and granted the rank of <s>OTIII</s> ''graduate student''. Massive increases in unwarranted self-importance and douchebaggery are considered perks of these promotions, along with the [[neckbeard|neckbeards]].

Courses available for download and construction paper and crayon kits include;

* [[LiveJournal|Master of Science in Counseling/Community Counseling]]
* [[Marriage|Master of Science in Counseling/Marriage and Family Counseling]]
* [[Pedobear|Master of Science in Counseling/Marriage, Family and Child Therapy]]
* [[E-Psychiatrist|Master of Science in Counseling/Mental Health]]
* [[Columbine|Master of Science in Counseling/School Counseling]]

== Special Education Courses ==

The high number of retards combined with the inherent laziness of the rest of the student body, treading water in regards to online education is to be expected. Students are given the opportunity to achieve the degrees they should have added to their inventories and HotBars while inhabiting the lower levels of the online education MMORPG as lame undergraduates.

Courses available for download and stone tablet and chisel kits include;

* [[Lazy|Associate of Arts in General Studies]]
* [[Chris Hansen|Associate of Arts in Criminal Justice]]
* [[Pedophilia|Associate of Arts in Elementary Education]]
* [[Liar|Associate of Arts in Psychology]]
* [[Bullshit|Associate of Arts in Health Care Administration with Emphasis in Medical Records]]
* [[Dealer|Associate of Arts in Health Care Administration with Emphasis in Pharmacy Practice]]

== Graduation ==

[[Image:Toiletpaper.jpg|frame|right|Awaiting names and signatures.]]

After years of finger-painting and the online college equivalent of macaroni art, students are declared educated and sent into the world in order to [[The Cancer That Is Killing /b/|infect new hosts and metastasize]] the University of Phoenix brand of ignorance and incompetence in the workplace. This is closely-related to wealthy ignorance and [[W|incompetence in the workplace]], but with less access to political office and the upper echelon of corporate America; failing at this too. And if you take out even [[moar]] student loans, you may just be able to afford a [[P-p-p-powerbook]]!

==Phoenix?==
If you actually live anywhere near Phoenix, [[Arizona]], don't bother with this place. Go to ASU in Tempe. Even Ned Flanders of "The Simpsons" knows how easy it is to get into ASU - after dying and seeing a bunch of sinners in heaven, he said, "Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State." Also, ASU doesn't Jew just to cover tuition and books, leaving you with plenty of money for [[Hookers and blow|other essential educational items]], all at ultra-low interest rates from Uncle Sam. Remember: If you can't get a real degree from ASU, you can always get a job at University of Phoenix - but if you attend, even they won't want to hire you.

==University of Phoenix is raped by [[Black Jesus]]==

[[Last Thursday]], after a passionate session of [[buttsex]] with [[Dick Cheney]] spent thinking about dead [[Iraq]]is, [[W]] decided to give his [[Republicans|homeboys]] another government giveaway- he relaxed the rules for for-profit colleges taking students on [[welfare|government financial aid]]. This led to the University of Phoenix making [[over 9000]] dollars every year, and their stock subsequently went through the roof.

When [[Black Jesus]] was elected, he issued [[banhammer|an edict against]] all [[capitalism]] in the land of [[America]]. This led to much wailing and gnashing of teeth among fat, bald white men, such as the founder of the University of Phoenix. The rules about government financial aid were [[rape|un-relaxed]], and suddenly, this fake school could no longer [http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-12-29/plunge-of-for-profit-college-stock-makes-sperling-rail-at-obama.html make the Jew goldz at Uncle Sam's expense].

As of [[Goofy time|press time]], the [[experts]] are still waiting to hear from the [[The Video Professor 16|Video Professor]] guy.

==Known "students" with University of Phoenix==
* [[Ted Haggard]]

== See Also ==
* [[Computer Science]]
* [[ITT Tech]]
* [[Kaplan University]]
* [[Joaquin Phoenix]]
* [[MIT OpenCourseWare]]

== External Links ==
* [http://www.phoenix.edu University of Phoenix] - Official website
* [http://www.ripoffreport.com/colleges-and-universities/university-of-phoeni/university-of-phoenix-online-o-78a88.htm Rip-off Report #44901] - The person who "filed" this "report" was too stupid to run a simple grammar/spell check. In other words, the ideal UoP student.

[[Category:Internets Phenomena]]
[[Category:Locations]]