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← Older revision	Revision as of 12:46, 13 February 2014
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2014-02-13T12:46:10Z

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2014-02-13T12:46:10Z

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[[Image:Philelmoremartialist.jpg|center]]

'''Phil Elmore''' is a fat quivering coward and basement dwelling [[Libertarian]] pretending to be a martial arts instructor, while living in perpetual terror of the people around him. He is the [[Internet Tough Guy]] other internet tough guys [[gay|look up to]], as he goes about posting his pictures of his knife collection and talking about [[bullshit|warriorship]] on any martial arts forum he can find.

==Inside the mind of a paranoid==

Its a dangerous world out there. Very dangerous. You never know when someone may attempt to [[rape]] and [[murder|kill]] your entire family when you walk down the street. Or when [[Arabs|terrorists]] will try and blow you up, personally. At any moment, you could be eviscerated by black person. Because of this, Phil tries to equip his [[Basement dweller|students]] as best he can for the horrors of [[IRL|teh str33t]].

[[Image:Phil_has_a_knife.jpg|thumb|right|[[Over 9000]] photos of Phil with a knife are available on the internet]]

Phil has [[Lie|ample experience]] in self defence. With no black belt in any martial art, no military or law enforcement experience, and no legal training, he is exactly the sort of person you would want giving you advice.

As Phil's [[Paladin-Press|best selling book]] shows, the {{hover|samurai sword|Rusty knife}} is the perfect weapon for today's security conscious individual. Afraid of some black person trying to get money from you? Need to slice and dice would be [[cops|muggers]]? Then the Japanese katana is the [[Lie|best you can get]] in street protection!

==Self Defence Tips==

As Phil is quick to point out, The Martialist is a website for people who [[Hippies|don't fight fair]]. Here are just a few of Phil's dangerous secret moves he advocates in the face of danger.

*Waving a flash light in your attacker's face
*Draw a cleverly concealed [[Wapanese|replica Japanese]] weapon and [[An hero|duel your attacker.]]
*Shout “you're meant to wait until I'm ready, like when we do drills!”
*Talk about [[Shit nobody cares about|Objectivism and Ayn Rand]] until you bore them to death.

Other techniques cannot be talked about, as they are so dangerous they can [[Lie|easily kill people!]] No-one is sure how Phil knows this, since he has clearly never killed anyone, except possibly by [[Fat|crushing them]].

[[Image:Phil_fantasy_warrior_1.jpg|thumb|right]]

==The Zombie Threat==

Phil is quite worried about the threat [[zombies]] present to society. So much, in fact, he has been posting over at the Zombiehunter forums, where he has made [[over 9000]] posts about his guns and how poor black people threaten him. Phil has also [http://www.themartialist.com/1003/zombie.htm reviewed]Max Brooks Zombie Survival Guide, with [[Unfunny|critical attention]] to his weapon advice.

==Phil and the Internet==

For a dedicated martial artist, Phil seems to spend a lot of time on the internet, usually defending himself or banning [[trolls]] from his own forum. It could just be that [[Bullshit|Phil is so advanced in torch-waving and taking pictures of himself holding knives that he no longer needs to train.]] Or it could be that, like his sensei says, he's a [[Fat|lazy fuck]] who rarely shows up to practice.

Phil owns and moderates a forum called [http://www.paxbaculum.com/forums/index.php Pax Baculum], where he and his many [[Fanboys|skilled acolytes]] welcomes free and open debate on martial arts and politics, unless you disagree with them. This is a common failing of all [[Randroid]]s, who think their beliefs are based in logic. If you don't agree, you are clearly [[Circular logic|illogical]]. And so deserve to be [[Perma-ban|banned]] [[in the ass]]. On the plus side though, this makes trolling Phil very easy, as [http://www.themartialist.com/pecom/fieldguidetotrolls.htm virtually everyone] is a troll to him.

Letting Phil post on your site is like having a [[Lol-cow|lulz vending machine]]. All you have to do is push a button and more comes out. However, he will also spam the address to his shitty site every chance he gets, as well as whine continually about how scary the world is.

Phil is also on [http://www.myspace.com/phil_elmore Myspace], where he keeps an unintentionally hilarious blog. He alternatively talks about the [[Closet Furry|squirrels in his garden]] and the need to nuke all the Arab, in order to save the Western World.

[[Image:Phil_Elmore_dummy.jpg|thumb|right|I don't know about you, but I'd rather have the guy on the right with me in a street fight]]

If any [[Patriotic Nigras]] wish to visit Phil, he can apparently be found on [[SecondLife]] (further proving he is a basement dwelling fag with no life) in the area of [[Star Wars|Ord Mantell, in Nexcom]]. He goes under the name of Elmore Philbin.

Finally, Phil's [[AIM]] is '''Sharp Phil'''. Add him, you know you want to.

==Phil Gallery==

<gallery>
Image:Phil_buttsex_student.jpg|Auto-asphyxiating [[buttsex]] is a vital part of any martial arts cirrculum!
Image:Phil_fantasy_warrior_2.jpg|Torches – Serious Business
Image:Phil_elmore_playing_card.jpg|I choose you, Phil Elmore!
Image:Phil_fantasy_warrior_3.jpg|You have to be on your guard at all times...
Image:Phil_highly_thought_of.JPG|Phil is a guru to some on the internet.
Image:Phil_street_sword.JPG|But it makes him feel so manly!
Image:Phil_Elmore_commiejihad.jpg|Once he's finished fighting trolls on [[Second Life]], he will do his part for the War on Terra.
</gallery>

==External Links==
*[http://www.themartialist.com/index.htm The Martialist]
*[http://www.myspace.com/phil_elmore Phil's Myspace]
*[http://www.paxbaculum.com/forums/index.php Pax Baculum Forums]
*[http://www.bullshido.net/forums People who really love Phil]

[[Category:People|Elmore, Phil]]
{{sites}}

Phil Elmore - Revision history

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