View source for Monica Lewinsky

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[[File:Time magazine - monica lewinsky's 9000th kiss-and-tell.jpg|380px|thumb|right|2018: Here we go again. She must have blown her savings, too]]
'''Monica [[amirite|Blewinsky]]'''{{jew}} is a [[Girlvinyl|fat]] [[Jewish]] [[Whore|prostitute]] best known for having had [[buttsecks]] and [[oral sex]] with President [[Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton,]] whose ass she [[literally]] licked [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/special/clinton/icreport/7groundsfoot.htm (see note #28)]. Lewinksy regards herself as "the [[AIDS|Patient Zero]] of [[Heatenings|internet shaming"]] and is so thoroughly ashamed of herself that she has only ever told her exclusive story once every six months in return for a large sum of money, embellishing it every time she does so.

As of 2018, Lewinsky's latest [[sob story]] is that by willingly entering into a sexual relationship with Clinton, she was [[LOLWUT|the victim]] of an [[Almost Rape|abuse of power.]] Naturally the [[SJW|SJWs]] and [[Feminazis|feminists]] are all over this crap, which is [[Shameless Self Promotion|precisely what]] Lewinsky wanted (the fat greedy Jew). Meanwhile, [[Republicans|everyone on the US right who hates the Clintons]] can be seen hopping up and down with glee as the 42nd President's dirty laundry is pegged out in public for the umpteenth fucking time. 

[[Some argue|Constitutional scholars have remarked]] that if [[Bill Clinton|Kill]] and [[Hillary Clinton|Killery Klinton]] were really behind a string of [[Over 9000|millions of]] suspicious deaths, as [[Reliable sources|the Internet]] [[Common knowledge|believes to be the case,]] Monica Jewinsky would have been the first person the Klintons would have had murdered. But no-one ever listens to [[Bureaucratic fucks|constitutional scholars.]] It's far more fun to imagine sinister reasons that Bill Clinton's chiropodist's dad's next-door-neighbor's best friend's cousin might have been murdered (despite the fact that they were 500lbs overweight, smoked 80 a day, and were struck by lightning while crossing the road, seen by 300 independent witnesses).
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== Childhood ==

Monica was born in 1973 in San Francisco, California, to parents [[Mel Gibson]] and [[Black|Barbara Streisand]]. She had early experience in spreading her legs for dirty old men:

{{quote|I was there at the beginning. I kissed that little girl's inner thighs when she was six days old--I said, 'Look at those little poulkes." |Jew lawyer [http://articles.latimes.com/1998/jun/08/local/me-57802 William H. Ginsburg], who paid Monica's parents to give the portly pepperpot a bris}}

After sucking off her entire high school football team (because who wants to fuck a fatty, right?) and fucking her high school [[drama]] teacher [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2347661/Monica-Lewinskys-lingerie-note-Bill-Clinton-auction-THAT-blue-dress.html Andy Bleiler], Monica moved to [[Washington, DC]] to fulfil her life's ambitions: (1) Become an unpaid intern and (2):

{{quote|I'm going to get my presidential kneepads|[http://articles.latimes.com/1998/jan/28/news/mn-13032 Monica Lewinsky], 1995}}
 
[[Image:MonicaLewinskyJizz.gif|thumb|right|Monica Lewinsky]]

== Scandal ==

[[Republican]]s had hoped to catch Bill Clinton in an extramarital affair in order to impeach him. After Clinton spurned [[Ann Coulter]], they realized that he was not interested in [[anorexic]] [[transsexual]]s. Figuring Bill liked the power a guy gets in impressing a chunky, awkward chick, they hired Monica for the ''job'' instead. Monica had a White House job arranged as a janitor, but her extensive experience with the wet/dry vac made her a natural choice.

Both sides of the political aisle were outraged. Democrats were upset that their hero Bill Clinton couldn't score any better tail; and Republicans were upset they weren't getting lunchtime BJs from ''their'' interns.

Clinton was quickly charged with a variety of crimes- from perjury, to obstruction of justice; to "dude, you fucked ''that''?". The charges were eventually dropped, however, when President Clinton threatened to have [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] testify on his behalf, and prosecutors decided they didn't want to be reminded of just how lousy this guy's taste in women is.

==Current Whereabouts==
[[Attention whore]]s are like [[herpes]]: once they start riding the media's cock, they never go away. Addicted to the attention, these [[whores]] keep coming back for their fix. So it is with Monica, who just never gets the hint that 1) she's a [[whore]] and 2) we all want whores to [[STFU]] and [[GTFO]] once their (blow)job is done. 

==[[The Current Year|2018:]] [[Bullshit|"Abuse of Power!"]]==

Yup, Monica has felt which way the wind is [[Irony|blowing]] and knows she can [[Irony|milk]] more bucks out of the [[Millennials|new generation]] of [[Irony|suckers,]] to whom Bill Clinton is as unfamiliar as [[Warren G. Harding|Warren G. Harding.]] But never mind all that, what counts is the [[Irony|column inches.]] And with vacuous media airheads like media pundit Suzanne Moore on the case, [[Whore|Monica]] can even [[Lie|completely reverse her story]] and earn [[WTF|plaudits for her bravery.]]

{{quote|'''Lewinsky goes much deeper, however, and [[Lies|brilliantly challenges her own previous narrative.]] Four years ago, she still wrote of her relationship with Clinton as [[Prostitution|consensual.]] It was important for her to own her sexuality as a marker of her [[Inconsistent Personality Disorder|own agency,]] and she did not want to see herself as a victim. “Sure, my boss took advantage of me,” she wrote then. [[Faulty Logic|The abuse came after, in order to protect his power.]]'''|[[Idiot|Suzanne Moore,]] [[Obvious|The Guardian,]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/mar/01/monica-lewinsky-bill-clinton-abuse-power March 1, 2018] (Archived: {{archive|63YsQ|1}} {{wayback|https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/mar/01/monica-lewinsky-bill-clinton-abuse-power|title=2}})}}
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===Monica's Attention Whore Tour 2014-2015===

Despite the fact that the world would be grateful if she died in a fire, Monica Lewinsky re-surfaced to [[attention whore]] some moar in 2014, first with some interviews...

[[Image:MonicaLewinskyNYPostSmall.jpg|center]]

And then she gave an TED talk overflowing with [[attention whoring]], [[drama]][[fag]] [[kike]]ness:
{{quote|Some of you might be asking, ‘Who the hell is she, this Monica, and what is she doing here?’ Or maybe even, ‘What is she doing in all of those Rap lyrics?’ Thank you, Beyoncé and Eminem. And Nicki Minaj. And Kid Cudi. Lil B and Lil Wayne. And of course G-Eazy, but let’s not forget Jeezy and all the rest.”|Famewhore Monica Lewinsky, TED talk, March 23, 2015}}

She also opened a [[twitter]]...though she still has fewer followers than Duke pornslut [[Miriam Weeks]]. People pretty much snickered and sneared at Monica's [[Jew]]ishy attention-seeking.

{{quote|Monica Lewinsky is doomed.|[http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/07/02/monica-lewinsky-is-doomed-trying-to-craft-a-career-outside-hher-infamy-may-prove-an-impossible-task.html Some dumb media oldfag, 2014]}}

===2013: Monica Lewinsky [[bullshit|"Guards Her Privacy"]]===
[[LULZ]] were to be had when Time Magazine trumpted Monica's 40th birthday with this [[blowjobs|"head"]]-line:

{{quote|Now 40, Monica Lewinsky Guards Her Privacy| [http://time.com/6143/now-40-monica-lewinsky-guards-her-privacy/ Time Magaine, July 23, 2013]}}

The article went on to chronicle Lewinsky's history of shamelessly whoring for media-attention, just in time for her next re-re-re-branding:

===2012: "I'M WRITING A TOP-SECRET BOOK!!1" Monica blabbed===

In 2012, Monica [[Jew|Lew]]insky was said to be writing a book, with [http://pagesix.com/2012/09/13/lewinsky-shopping-new-top-secret-book/ major publishers, who were all asked to sign nondisclosure agreements to take the meetings].

The book deal fell through, though, when Monica insisted on writing the manuscript with a [[jizz]]filled quill pen.

===2004-2006: Monica receives [[masturbation|Mastur]]'s Degree===

In December 2006, Monica [http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16304915/ns/politics/t/lewinsky-graduates-uk-business-school waddled across a graduation stage to receive a degree from the London School of Economics]. The title of [[plagiarism|Monica's thesis]] was: "''In Search of the Impartial Juror: An exploration of the third person effect and pre-trial publicity.''"

How could a woman who barely scraped a 2.00 GPA at Lewis & Clark College, and is [http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/press-past/2013/01/25/bill-clinton-15-years-ago-i-did-not-have-sexual-relations-with-that-woman unable to spell the word "public,"] received admission to the prestigious British university, an admissions dean replied: "Superior oral skills." 

===Monica's First Attention Whore Tour 1999-2004===
Lewinsky used the political connections she ''earned'' to get hired on as some [[fag]] marketer for a designer purse company; and to create her own line of designer purses, bags, and knee pads. 

{{quote| Her handbags, made of cloth in a "hippie chic" style, are sold at Henri Bendel in Manhattan, at Fred Segal Melrose in West Hollywood, Calif., and on her Web site, therealmonicainc.com. ''I originally wanted to use Monicainc.com, but that was taken by a whorehouse,'' she said. ''A friend said, 'What about The Real Monica Inc.?' and I thought, 'O.K.'|[http://www.nytimes.com/2000/06/25/business/business-in-monica-s-story-a-chapter-on-entrepreneurship.html Monica Lewinsky (Jew York Times June 25, 2000])}}

Despite the obvious saleability of a product line created by a [[fat]]ty who's only claim to fame is that she was a convenient [[cumdumpster]] to a horny old politician, the product line failed, big. After sitting on the racks for years collecting dust, they were given to the homeless. By 2004, the [[faggots]] at Vogue Magazine [http://www.vogue.co.uk/news/2004/05/27/is-the-lewinsky-affair-over officially declared Monica's handbag-venture dead]. Monica would need a new vehicle for her attention-seeking, since [http://ethicsalarms.com/2013/07/25/monica-lewinsky-turns-40-the-ethics-train-wreck-that-never-stopped/ Jenny Craig dumped the [[slut]] after she failed to cut down on her cum-guzzling].

==Videos==
<center><youtube>mHlfRR3ZquA</youtube></center>

== See Also ==
*[[Bill Clinton]]
*[[Hillary Clinton]]
*[[Zoe Quinn]] - Monica's BFF on Twitter.

==External Links==
*{{twitter|MonicaLewinsky|Monica's Twitter}} You can't be an [[attention whore]] without one
*[http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/03/every-rap-song-that-mentions-monica-lewinsky.html Every Rap Song That Mentions Monica Lewinsky]
*[http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/entertainment/monica-dad-nbc-lay-article-1.846586 Monica Lewinsky's Daddy threatens LOLSUIT against "Law & Order SVU" for using "lewinsky" to mean "blowjob" (1999)]
*[https://apnews.com/662d61b05e7548088ffd2f8dcd573d54/Lewinsky-storms-offstage-after-'off-limits'-Clinton-question Jewinsky, who is only famous for one reason, storms out of (((Israeli publicity event))) after a questioner mentions that one reason] (Archived: {{archive|XgRbs|1}} {{wayback|https://apnews.com/662d61b05e7548088ffd2f8dcd573d54/Lewinsky-storms-offstage-after-'off-limits'-Clinton-question|title=2}})
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[[Category: People]] {{Politics}}
[[Category:People|Lewinsky, Monica]]
[[Category:Sex]]
[[Category:California]]