Encyclopedia Dramatica - Things to revert [en]

NotJustBikes

2026-06-07T15:12:15Z

Crow caw:

{{Racecleanup}}
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{{morphquote|quotes|background:white;width:100%;height:100%;|font-weight:bold
|If you are one of those whiners, upset by my angry tone, good news! Thousands of hours, of content, are uploaded, to YouTube, every single minute. So, GO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE, AND FUCK OFF!|NJB's '' "The Dumbest Excuse for Bad Cities"''
|Keep your stupid fucking Americunt trucks OUT of my perfect utopia known as Europe!|NJB's latest propaganda screed
|People should give up, on North America, though. This is not doomerism, it's reality. If you have hope, for North America, you've come to the wrong channel. My content is, only, intended for people with the money, and means, to, permanently, relocate, from the US or Canada to somewhere in Europe. This is why I block my critics, rather than engage. My loyal fans will, gladly, defend me, against criticism, too.|NJB's [[Bluesky]] post directed at his critics in September 2023
|So? Nobody gives a fuck, if the US has some bike tunnels. The US is complete shit. All bike infrastructure, in the US, is a fucking joke. Minneapolis bike tunnels, can go fuck themselves, and you. You fucking Merikkkahn piece of shit. As an American expat, who lives in Europe, all of Europe is, literally, perfect. We have, unlike the US, real bike tunnels, free universal healthcare, trans kids are welcome, Donald Trump is not president, and, no mass shootings. If you still live in the US, fucking k*ll yourself, too.|Typical comment from an NJB fanboy directed at someone who disagrees with their master}}
{{Infobox person
|image = Idiot grifter scumbag.jpg
|powerword = Jason Slaughter
|occupation = [[YouTube]] ranter, writer, scam artist, male prostitute, propagandist
|gender = self-described "Cisgendered Male"
|years active = 2017-present
|nationality = [[Canadian]] cosplaying as a [[Dutchland|Dutchie]]
|website = [https://www.notjustbikes.com official propaganda site] [https://www.youtube.com/user/NotJustBikes JewTube channel]}}
'''NotJustBikes''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Jason Slaughter''') is an 80-year-old [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] billionaire [[Elon Musk|grifter]] with severe anger issues who became a refugee in [[Pervert|Amsterdam]] because he is a [[USI|selfish entitled scumbag]] and hates [[Toronto|the fake London]] with a burning passion. He is the ultimate cynical [[doomer]] and will quickly block you if you disagree with his hatred for North American public transport. As expected, NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. NJB fans are about as obnoxious and immature as [[MrEnter]] fans and the insane bootlickers of the equally deranged tyrant named [[Mike Chitwood]].

==History==
NotJustBikes was born in the fake London to a rich family. He inherited billions and used the money to travel around the world on sex tourism trips. He married a 30-year-old stripper at age 70. In 2017, NJB started making anti-Murican propaganda videos.

==Criminal record==
In March 2018, NJB became inspired by [[Dr. Phil|Mike Chitwood]] (who looks like an even more retarded version of Dr. Phil) to shoot up Toronto city hall. However, because [[Trudeau]] hates gunz and freedumb, NJB was forced to settle for angrily cursing out the councillors and then going on a stabbing rampage. Before security could remove him from the building, NJB had already bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. He became stateless in 2019 and then fraudulently obtained Dutch citizenship in 2023. The [[Geert Wilders]] regime hates the woke faggot Truedolt and therefore refuses to extradite NJB to Canaduh. Not even the Donald Trump regime with its love of mass incarceration wants to extradite and imprison NJB in an [[hell|Americunt federal prison]].

==Personality==
NJB has severe anger issues. Criticism or disagreement with him or his fanbase is not allowed. NJB and his fanboys falsely assume all of North America is a lost cause and will forever be one giant carbon copy of Houston. Their ignorant generalising of entire continents places polar opposite cities such as Phoenix and NYC in the same categories. In true [[internet tough guy]] fashion, NJB will pull a bait and switch whenever his lies are refuted. He even hates his own fans and will only respond to his fellow rich people who pay premium on [[Patreon]] to message him. NJB is a frequent user of [[Bluesky]]. NJB is a [[socialist]] despite being one of the wealthiest people alive. He is extremely selfish and uncharitable.

Unfortunately, since NJB is a grifter and master manipulator, he successfully lied and cheated his way to 15 million YouTube subscribers and millions of views on each of his propaganda videos. He acts like he's the pimp of the urban planning community and decides who deserves to be forgiven for their past misdeeds. Because [[JewTube]] and its stupid "algorithm" bullshit since 2019 has been rigged and biased in favour of whatever clickbait is designed to provoke outrage and fear, NJB has become the most popular and famous urban planning internet personality. Due to his love of censorship, NJB has never received any penalties for his lies and violations of the "misinformation" rule. Not even his video mindlessly bashing [[Houston]] and generalising all of North America as a carbon copy of Houston was flagged and taken down like it deserves. Meanwhile, the still-negative but lightyears better video by [[Philadelphia|Alan Fisher]] criticising [[Denver]] was taken down after being reported by NJB fanboy and angry Denver suburbanite Jason Spelts. NJB even blocked and sent death threats to fellow pro-censorship leftist [[Albuquerque|CityNerd]] because CityNerd hates Dallas with a burning passion but likes Houston for some obscure reason.

==Bigotry==
NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. He is also a ravaging anti-Semite who hates [[Jooz]]. He permanently cut off all contact with his lesbian daughter because she re-settled in [[NYC|New Amsterdam]] (instead of the old Amsterdam) and married a Jewish [[Ausfag]] girl. NJB started a whole subreddit named r/fuckcars which has an admirable goal of criticising [[cancer|car culture]], but in practice is just an endless circle [[Randal O'Toole|jerk off in a jitney]] of repeating the same old liberal propaganda about North America being supposedly doomed.

NJB is close allies with neo-nazi supporter [[Hungary|Adam Something]] (aka Azov Nothing), a fake Marxist with similar extreme anger issues, hatred of MuRiCa, a sexual fetish for "[[gypsy|Roma People]]", and censoring of any disagreement. As expected, both NJB and Azov Nothing are [[Vaush]] fanboys and accepted as members of the [[BreadTube]] cult. Other BreadTube commies who have promoted NJB propaganda videos include [[Hbomberguy]], [[BLM|Legal Eagle]], and [[Philosophy Tube]].

Other YouTube channels that have completely sold out (such as [[AVGN]]) are NJB fanboys.

NJB hates poor people. Are you really surprised?

==Things he's stolen from other activists==
*The Breezewood meme, which first went viral in 2008, long before NJB infected the internet.
*The term "stroad" from StrongTowns, which started in 1985.
*Generalising and stereotyping.
*Fear of crime from every news media source
*Censorship
*Jerking off in a jitney, fugly appearance and anger issues from [[Randal O'Toole]]
*STDs
*Virginity of blonde chicks from [[Faux News]]
*Cynical doomerism
*Looking retarded from every [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]
*E-begging
*Contempt for freedom of speech from [[Mike Chitwood]] and the [[SPLC]]
*Idolising [[Europe]] from [[ATTN:]]
*Vicious hatred for anything Murican from [[Reddit]]
*Obsession with transgenderism
*Obsession with [[negroes]] (though he hates them) from [[MSNBC]]
*Severe anger issues from [[The Young Turks]]
*The term "painted bike gutter" from Oh the Urbanity!
*Recognising that the fire department are just cops in different coloured trucks from [[GTA 5]]
*"[[In Minecraft]]" from [[South Park]]

==How to piss off NotJustBikes and his equally obnoxious fanbase==
*Remind them New York City exists and has good transit.
*Suggest [[truth|North America is not hopeless, and in fact is changing for the better]].
*Tell them to tone down the anger.
*Say Houston (though that city sucks too) is the best city ever.
*Call him a [[nazi|nationalist]].
*Tell any success story from North America or mention anything good happening there.
*Be even remotely positive or optimistic.
*Share links to videos by CityNerd or Alan Fisher.
*Suggest that the Netherlands is not a perfect country.
*Ask him, like, why, he uses, like, so many, unnecessary, commas, and, why, he, like, says, like, too, like, fucking, like, much, too.
*Tell him to act his age (83) instead of like a bratty teen girl.
*Be [[Jewish]] or [[Indian]].
*Be less wealthy than him.
*Remind him that [[fact|97% of people will never ever have the money or opportunity to move across an ocean and it's much much harder to make such a move than he suggests it is]].
*Ask him or his fanboys if they care at all about future generations.
*Tell him he displays the same characteristics as the [[MAGA]]ites he hates: older than 60, uneducated, white, lives in a bubble, paranoid, easily angered, insists on [[Burger King|having everything his way]] even when he knows he's objectively wrong, [[USI|thinks he's always right about everything]].
*Politely ask him not to interrupt you while you're trying to speak.
*Ask him how he became a refugee in a foreign country so easily and quickly.
*Ask him if his new passport is fake.
*Ask him how much he paid in bribes to become a Dutch citizen in less than 2 years.
*Tell him it's ignorant to generalise and stereotype.
*Use public transit in North America.
*Send him photos of missing middle housing in North America. Bonus points if the neighbourhood pictured is walkable.
*Tell the truth that cynical doomers are just as harmful to urbanist causes as car-addicted suburbanites have been.
*Compare him to [[Randal O'Toole]]
*Tell him that avoiding debates and blocking instead of engaging with critics makes you a coward.
*Tell him money can't buy happiness and there's more to life than money. Better yet, say that he wouldn't be angry 24/7 if money could buy happiness.
*Suggest that he see a therapist.
*Suggest that the real problem at hand is that NJB and his fanboys are brainwashed by sensationalist news media and live isolated in a bubble, and if they left their basements regularly they would see that North American is more than just a carbon copy of Houston.
*Ask him how he became a billionaire (hint: it wasn't through "hard work").
*Live anywhere west of the prime meridian.
*Remind him that Amsterdam was car-dependent at one point. Be advised, NJB and his fanboy army will certainly respond with the butthurt "but the US is worse!" argument.
*Ask him to cite sources.
*Show him any video by Oh the Urbanity!
*Show him this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqNiPVO5mAE
*Tell him his channel logo is lazily designed.
*Suggest that the solution to building passenger rail in North America is bipartisan support, not the "us vs. them" mentality.
*Call his gay lover Adam Something a nazi.
*Ask him how much he pays in taxes.
*Speak the truth that you are a coward if you decide to run away across an ocean instead of staying and fighting. Even better, state that people who want change have the obligation to stay and fight, and that running away makes the fight harder for everyone who doesn't have the option to leave.
*Ask where he got his plastic surgery.
*Ask him where he convinced RMTransit to get weight loss surgery.
*Ask him why he brainwashed RMTransit into hating American light rail and showing off about how perfect his life is.
*Tell him he has privilege.
*Point out that for a non-American who hates MuRiCa with a burning passion, NJB sure exemplifies the American cultural values of anger, aggression, the "fuck you, got mine" mentality, and love of [[tranny|gender confusion]].
*Point out that selfsihly putting his own personal desires first at the expense of everyone else in North America by running away across an ocean like a coward was an act of rugged individualism.
*Call him a racist.
*Call him a [[hypocrite]].
*Ask him if he smokes weed.
*Ask him if he plays [[Minecraft]].
*Ask him how many women he's had sex with.
*Tell him he sounds similar to [[Tucker Carlson]].
*Invite him to a debate.
*Remind him that even the similarly nasty and arrogant [[Randal O'Toole]] is not afraid to debate his enemies.
*Say [[Elon Musk]] (though he's also an idiot and a grifter) is the best innovator.
*Ask him what type of home he lives in (hint: it's a single-family detached McMansion).
*Ask him how he got from Toronto to Amsterdam (hint: he flew in a private jet).
*Disagree with him or his fanboys.
*Tag him on social media.
*Ask him if he's really actually too busy to take messages or just hates peasants.
*Ask him what he's done to help the oppressed [[negroes]], [[gays]], [[trannies]], "mass shooting" victims and abortion seekers he pretends to care about when discussing how terrible the USA is.
*Ask him why he talks so damn slow.
*Ask him if there's anything he likes about North America.
*Report his stupid propaganda videos for misinformation.
*Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
*Call him smug, arrogant or narcissistic.
*Show him photos of urban freeways in Amsterdam (they exist).
*Tell him [[Vancouver]] has the best local police department of any city in the world.
*Point out the truth that even if every North American city were to become like Amsterdam overnight, NJB and his equally obnoxious fanbase would still hate North America and continue to find things to rage about.
*Call him selfish, impatient or entitled.
*Say capitalism is better than socialism.
*Ask him if he voted for Geert Wilders.
*Imitate the calls of Canada geese.
*Fact check any of his lies.
*Speak the truth that large, low-density suburbs, cities and countries such as the USA and Canada are still capable of supporting public transit, bike lanes, walkable areas, and passenger rail.
*Remind him that the "jaywalking" is legal even in parts of the USA (such as NYC), while some non-American cities have laws against it too (such as Singapore).
*Ask him if he's ever donated to charitable causes.
*Ask him if he's had a heart attack or stroke yet.
*Use the abbreviation NJB and the fanboys will call you a nazi just because of one obscure gay nazi who murdered a Jewish talk show host and raped his corpse. Apparently, disagreeing with NJB makes you the new Hitler. Ironic considering NJB is a ravaging anti-Semite.
*Introduce them to people who live in small US college towns full time (there are millions).
*Remind them that countries outside North America have a housing crisis too.
*Ask him if a terminally angry CCP supporter from SoCal named ScramJett watches his videos.
*Ask him if a terminally angry Reddit addict from Germany named Systematicvisionary watches his videos.
*Show him photos of small US college towns that have cycling infrastructure and modeshare levels on par with Amsterdam, such as Greenville, SC (though Bob Jones University also sucks) and Davis, CA.
*Tell him to do better research for his propaganda videos.
*Ask him what real Dutch people think of his videos (spoiler alert: they hate him and want to deport his ass to Canada).
*Ask him if he got any STDs from decades of wild sex parties before he married a 30-year-old stripper.
*Tell him [[Tokyo]] has better public transport than Amsterdam.
*Tell him [[Belgium]] is a superior country to the Netherlands.
*Bring up the subject of income inequality.
*Create alt accounts to bypass the cowardly blocks he imposes to censor his critics.
*Ask him what he has done to help improve North American cities.
*Tell him he looks like the [[Hobo with a Shotgun]]
*Show them this article

== See Also ==

* [http://www.youtube.com/@NotJustBikes the propaganda source itself]
* [[Vaush]]
* [[Destiny]]
* [[Bluesky]]
* [[TheMysteriousMrEnter]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]

[[Category:People]]
{{Canada}}
{{sj}}
{{YouTube Ranters}}
{{ytseries}}
{{enemy}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 24th & 25th, [[2014]]|[[MrEnter]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[James Foley]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article May 15 and 16, [[2024]]|[[VidLii]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Battle For Dream Island]]}}
[[Category:People|Slaughter, Jason]]
[[Category:Crackers]]

Wisconsin

2026-06-05T21:39:37Z

Crow caw: /* Famous Wisconsin residents */

[[Image:Cheese_Bra.jpg|thumb|This man is considered attractive in Wisconsin.]]

{{Quote|ZOMG WISCONSIN KEY SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE CRUCIAL VITAL PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!1!!|Every Amerikunt politician and news reporter}}

''Were you looking for a teenage wannabe armature porn star who fucks dogs and tricks pedestrians into sniffing her vaginal gunk? See [[Whitney Wisconsin]].'' 

[[File:Proof wisconsin is a shithole.png|thumb|Map of excessive drinking by county. Notice how Wisconsin is clearly visible in this map.]]

Wisconsin (or as the locals call it, WisCAAAAANsin) is a huge parasitic shithole in the [[Illinois|Midwest]]. The birthplace of the [[Republican]] Party, [[nazi|Senator Joe McCarthy]] and [[nazi|The Freedom from Religion Foundation]]. In other words, Wisconsin is essentially [[Arizona]] with eight months of winter. It houses [[fact|73% of the country's fat people]], [[redneck]]s and [[alcoholic]]s. Most people consider Wisconsin to be a disgrace to America. Wisconsin's neighbors absolutely hate this fucking state.

The typical Wisconsin resident is an obese white truck driver who owns a farm and is married to a cow. In fact, if you look at a satellite photograph of Wisconsin, you will see lots of green from the state's massive amount of corn and John Deere tractors. You will also see lots of brown, owing to the lack of septic tanks in Wisconsin.

If you are lucky enough to stumble upon an inhabited location in Wisconsin, you will find [[over 9000]] Indian casinos, bars, and liquor stores. There are no houses in these cities because everyone lives in underground retirement homes.

If you are ever challenged to a drinking contest by someone from Wisconsin, don't, because when Wisconsinaians are drunk, they may start talking about tractors and how to hump livestock. If you're really unlucky, they will try to [[raep]] your [[penis]] for [[money]] because of the fact that the niggers in wisconsin are opened in the [[anus]].

Since 2016, Wisconsin has been lusted after by every amerikunt politician along with [[Pennsylvania]] and [[Michigan]]. The two-party duopoly's obsession with these so-called swing states is why nothing ever gets done.

== History ==
[[File:Wisconsin-hick.gif|thumb|Typical Wisconsin Resident.]]
[[At least 100]] years ago, some [[French]] guy named [[Star Trek|Jean Luc-Picard]] became Wisconsin's first Space captain, landing in a cornfield near modern-day Corn Bay in search of [[cp|child pornography]]. Sadly, all he found were [[Native_Americans|red people]] and corn.

After the Revolution, Wisconsin was part of the U.S. Useless Territory. It was then governed as part of [[AIDS]] Ranch, [[Faggot]] dump, and [[Michigan]]. Settlement began when the first two public [[eBay]] offices opened.

The state STD is AIDS (aka [[faggot]] disease), which reflects Wisconsin's early sexual history. Many town names such as AIDS Point recall a period [[at least 100 years ago]] when Wisconsin was an important sexual concentration camp.

After all of this faggotry occurred, larger numbers of [[Jews]] arrived, and the state subsequently became over one-third Ash. Most became small business owners, especially known for their nick knack shops and dildo emporiums. Others moved to Milwaukee to find employment and make their usual profit from the city's high concentration of gullible [[nigra]]s.

The official religion of 'Scaaaaansin is based on the American't [[handegg|football]] team, The Green Bay (fudge)Packers. Worship of these [[fag|athletes]] is regarded as [[serious business]], and the indoctrination of children to this mindless [[NORP]] faith is common. This is at the same time as the militant [[atheist]] Freedom from Religion Foundation and the basement-dwelling liberal troll Jerome McCollom hail from here.

In 1836, Wisconsin became the undeclared loser of the [[Toledo]] War of 1835, a dispute that it wasn't even a part of. This says a lot about Wisconsin.

== Geography ==
[[File:Grazing-cow-1b.jpg|thumb|High tier residents are married to at least one cow. The remainder take local [[fat|women]].]]
The landscape of Wisconsin was formed by the [[crap|movement]] of glaciers during the ice age. These glaciers changed the land by carving out bluffs and depositing soil to form Wisconsin's trademark hills. Unfortunately, these glaciers occurred [[at least 100]] years ago when civilization did not exist. So instead of rightfully destroying Wisconsin and all of its backwards [[white trash]] inhabitants, it turned the area into an outdoor haven for hicks throughout the Midwest who can't afford a real vacation. Wisconsin is also a hot spot for severe thunderstorms, blizzards, tornadoes, and minor flooding. None of these have any real chance at wiping Wisconsin off the map, however.

Fortunately, there is still some hope. Wisconsin shares borders with two of the Great Lakes. If [[global warming]] - the only remaining political tool of dirty, [[Drug|pot-smoking]] [[hippies]] - does exist, it will cause these lakes to flood most of Wisconsin, turning the land into a boiling stew of cheese, beer, bratwurst, flannel jackets, 80s rock cassettes and the [[Dutch]].

== Wisconsin Cities ==
[[File:Jefferydahmersbrain.jpg|thumb|Jeffrey Dahmer's brain.]]
[[File:Cheesehead.jpg|thumb|[[Homosexuals|The average couple]] from Wisconsin.]]
[[File:Freakedpickles.png|thumb|[[Pickles]] is from Wisconsin.]]
[[File:Lootcrew.jpg|thumb|right]]
'''Milwaukee:''' Allegedly Wisconsin's largest city. Supposedly a place that despite being within Wisconsin's borders has a people population that [[over 9000|far outnumbers]] the cows including heavy concentrations of [[nigras]], Mexicans and [[hipsters]], still functioning factories, as well as miles of running and biking trails, and a huge [[fag|art museum]]. However, because [[redneck|Wisconsin people]] are afraid of all of these things, no one has ever actually gone to Milwaukee to see if it really exists. It is widely suspected that Milwaukee was created by the media for news stories about black people and as a setting for lame nostalgic sitcoms. A highly credible, alternate theory states that Milwaukee did exist at one point, but that [[Sick fuck|Jeffrey Dahmer]] ate the entire population between 1978 and 1991. The home of the annoying liberal militant atheist basement-dwelling internet troll named Jerome McCollom. Where every single fucking presidential candidate must hold 9999999 rallies!!

'''Madison:''' Wisconsin's [[dirty|communist]] [[hippy]] hatchery. Takes pride in being the "Berkeley of the Midwest" without regard for the fact that it's just like every other fucking college town in existence and that being like Berkeley is nothing to be proud of. Madisonians like to think they live in such a unique and intellectual city for being [[communist|green]], militantly [[atheist]], tolerant of [[fags]], and believing in [[liberal]] policies. But they're really just unaware of how low the bar is set in a state where Green Acres and Hee Haw are considered cultural programming. The University of Wisconsin now admits more students from the east coast than from in-state as part of an ongoing 30-year plan to completely eliminate having to deal with people from Wisconsin by the year 2025. Perhaps realizing this noble goal may not be realized in time, and trying to get on the map internationally, the UW system ramped up student harvesting abroad to such a degree that UW-Madison may as well be some [[Asian]] metropolis. That is, a Asian metropolis filled with real deal hippies, hallways that smell like piss (likely, since alcohol may as well be the water source), restaurants that cost far too much for the generic food they serve, and liberal insanity that would make [[San Francisco]]ans blush. In 2011 [[faggot|Scott Walker]] sold out to the auto industry and banned passenger rail from Madison. Eventually, the city decided to launch a "recall election" against Walker, [[WTF|failing to notice they have nothing to prove against a new governor]]. This was a [[epic fail|total flop]] as Walker [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|cheated and stole the election by a massive margin after everyone nationwide thought he was toast.]] Walker, in fine Wisconsin tradition, has continued his excellent work [[trolling]] neighbors and [[liberals]] alike. The only good thing he's done is piss off the Freedumb from Religion Foundation assholes and their bootlicker Jerome McCollom.

'''Kenosha:''' You know how even a mutant family still has the oddball/[[Nigra|black sheep]]? Kenosha is that family member. The closest land to the open cesspit that is [[Illinois]], it naturally picks up horrible traits from [[Chicago]]. In fact, it may as well not be in Wisconsin. Srsly, according to the census, it's a part of metropolitan Chicago. How much more of an insult do you need than that? Noted for looking nothing like the rest of Wisconsin as well, it nonetheless still has some family traits - namely, they love to get stone cold [[drunk]]. We think, anyways. It would be pretty shameful to be from Wisconsin and not get drunk. They're quite depressed, but that's understandable due to where they are. Having the most bars per capita in the world is a good clue. Has been experiencing heavy emigration from other parts of the country as well as Chicago for some reason we have yet to discover. If you go [[oral_sex|downtown]] you can pay 50 cents to get on a trolley that makes a loop to absolutely fucking nowhere. The streets are interestingly in a boring, unoriginal grid pattern that everyone can understand. Which can't really be said for our next entry...

'''Racine:''' Birthplace and homeland of [[Max Hardcore]], nuff said. A French name, but oddly enough, there aren't many [[French]] cunts around. Instead, tons of [[Danish]] people moved here for reasons unknown. Called the "Belle City" for decades - while they tell you it's because the [[women]] are beautiful, in reality this is only half of the truth. They usually forget to mention nearly all the women turn into massive [[whore|whores]]. Kind of makes the whole Max Hardcore thing make sense in retrospect, right? That's only the beginning, though. Racine was once a major industrial center; now, it just exports whores and [[crazy|wackos]]. In Racine, the stereotype that [[Catholic]] girls become whores isn't a stereotype, it's just [[fact|scientific law]]. Kind and nice whores, yes. But the poon just doesn't end- most everyone loses their virginity before the end of middle school; many even by the end of elementary school. Believe us...it only seems odd when you actually leave Wisconsin. Also has a long history of interesting [[crime]] - Al Capone used Racine as his hideaway and storage of goods from Milwaukee to Chicago. The [[police|po-po]] still have John Dillinger's Tommy gun. Nowadays, [[gangsta]] teenagers like to think they're hardcore, but really they haven't done shit. For [[Jesus|Christ's]] sake, only like two people have died from gang violence in the past few years! Pathetic! Hasn't felt the economic recession as much as other cities or states - no this is not due to Racine's economic dynamism, but because unemployment has been so consistently high for years that double digit unemployment elicits nothing more than a yawn. The only way to suffer worse from de-industrialization is to be like [[Detroit]], and no one wants to do that. Understandable, this leads to a favorite pasttime of youngsters, which is to complain there is nothing to do in Racine, and vow they will leave as soon as they can. But most of them come back, eventually.

'''Green Bay:''' What you would get if [[Redneck|Larry The Cable Guy]] got lost because he couldn't read, wandered north and designed a city that was granted an NFL franchise. Prides itself on its "family friendly" environment despite the fact that domestic violence [[True|doubles on days when the Packers lose]] and the majority of kids who grow up here become opioid/meth-addicts who work at Wal-Mart or sit home and collect disability checks. No one in Green Bay has any aspirations beyond [[Hunting|killing animals]] and [[alcoholic|attending the next $10 all-you-can-drink night]]. They used to take pride in the Packers when they were led by the local [[Redneck|Wrangler-wearing]], smaller-dicked version of [[Jesus]] known as [[Douchebag|Brett Favre]], but even he decided in 2008 that he could no longer stand to live around these freaks and the already astronomical local suicide rate increased accordingly.

'''Appleton:''' Exactly like Green Bay, but with less football teams and cheese. Has chronic butthurt from always being second to Green Bay. The city tries to be the cultural center of the region but due to the lack of real culture it continues to be another white trash shithole like Green Bay. Also responsible for producing the great American patriot [[psychopath|Senator Joe McCarthy]].

'''Lake Geneva and Door County:''' Elaborate tourist traps whose economies are dependent upon marginally-successful Chicago businessmen who can't afford to vacation somewhere that people actually want to go. The average vacationer in one of these places thinks "roughing it" means sleeping in a $30,000 camper. The entire county reeks of dead fish, which are eaten by tourists.

== Famous Wisconsin residents ==
[[Image:PeggyA.Lautenschlager.jpg|right|thumb|Peggy A Lautensschlager: Attorney General of the State of Wisconsin and [[Amalea]]'s personal lawyer. Arrested DUI on February 23, 2004 and plead guilty, after driving off the road in a state-owned car.]]
*[[A-Log]]'s dad.
*[[Alex Mae Muholland]]
*[[Douchebag|Brett Favre]]
*[[Jew|City Beautiful]]
*[[Clayranger89]]
*[[Darrell Brooks]]
*[[Ed Gein]]
*[[Fail|3/4 of the members of Garbage]]
*[[He11sing920]]
*[[Jeffrey Dahmer]]
*[[Nazi|Senator Joseph Raymond McCarthy]]
*[[Faggot|Liberace]]
*[[Idiot|Jerome McCollom]]
*Dan Barker and the [[retard|Freedom from Religion Foundation]]
*[[Max Hardcore]]
*[[Mystery Science Theater 3000|Mike Nelson]]
*[[Natalie Rupnow]]
*[[Sarah Butts]]
*[[Morgan Geyser & Anissa Weier|The Slenderman Stabbers]]
*Sonny Monroe
*[[Shit|the Violent Femmes]]
*[[Whitney Wisconsin]]

[[Category: Locations]]
{{Unitedstates}}

{{timeline|Featured article April 6 & 7, [[2016]]|[[Rosa Parks]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[LifeInATent]]}}

Arizona

2026-06-05T20:40:23Z

Crow caw: no

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT DEMOCRAT GOVERNOR KATIE HOBBS EXECUTES PEOPLE IN GAS CHAMBERS IN ARIZONA 75+ years after the Nazis did it!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Driven by AZ's own Jake Hoffman]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for environmental laws)
* [[Police]] beating [[autists]] to death
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* Car-centric sprawl
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)
* Gas chamber executions 75+ years after the Nazis last did it.
* [[Bullshit|ZOMG IT'S A SWING STATE CRITICAL SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE KEY SWING STATE PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!!1!!]]
*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs or spics
* No accents. Huzzah! Hear that, northeast?
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get out of their metal pods and use their feet.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* [[Nazi|Gas chamber executions]] in the state [[hell|prison]].
* Cops who beat [[autists]] to death
* [[Hitler|Chris Oskins]]
* [[Retard|NIMBYs]]
* Car-addicted suburbanites who [[Randal O'Toole|hate public transit and cyclists]]
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]] Looking at you, Kambriella Smith...
* Lawrence Krauss, physics professor who was fired by the SJWs at the American [[Atheists]] for criticising [[transgenderism]].
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]] like that dirty slut bitch Lauren Rowe, daughter of anti-college activist [[dumbass|Mike Rowe]]
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the fake London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by sexy chubby white/trailer park trash bitches. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, which will piss of the evil [[Randal O'Toole]]. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not ruin stations with excessive parking lots. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans littering everywhere and blasting their annoying ass ranchero music, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Ecstacy]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and the evil Jake Hoffman hates this town because some people dare to cycle on stroads where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime. This place is full of NIMBYs from neighbouring [[California]] who voted to gas their fellow residents to death when they put the mass murderer Katie Hobbs in office. No water exists here at all. Only tuberculosis spread by Susie Greener.

Being mentally ill, homeless or autistic in Phoenix carries a mandatory death penalty. No trial; the cops will murder you instantly and get away with it. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get sent to the gas chamber. Eat your heart out, [[Alabama]] and [[Mao|Jeff Landry]]! There's a new modern day Hitler in town!

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. As a result, no one will hire you if you don't speak Spanish. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and the SPLC attacked them and the movement [[fail]]ed. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white liberals who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive civilised in smaller cars, which pisses off Jake Hoffman. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, [[Jew|Jimmy Eat World]], literally every [[deathcore]] band and other shitty [[emo]], pop punk, [[metalcore]] and alternative bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].
*Drew Binsky, [[Israhell]] supporter and supposed philanthropist who thinks from a terminally US-centric perspective despite being a rich [[Jew|globalist]].
*Barry Goldwater, eugenics supporter. Thankfully burning in hell.
*Chris Oskins, retired pig and serial rapist.
*Susie Greener, feminazi with tuberculosis.
*Jake Hoffman, idiot [[Nazi|populist]] who loves NIMBYism and hates public transit users and cyclists. Endorsed by the evil [[Randal O'Toole]].
*Katie Hobbs, NIMBY democrap endorsed by Adolf Newsom who executes people in gas chambers 70+ years after Nazi Germany did it.
*[[Joe Arpaio]], the American [[Mahathir bin Mohamad|Madhatter]] who has since been ultimately replaced by [[Grady Judd]] in [[Florida]].
*[[Dead|Charlie Kirk]], leading [[MAGA]]ite activist obsessed with convincing h[[white]] people and only white people to marry at age 12 and have 10+ kids by age 20.
*[[Atheism|Lawrence Krauss]], got fired from American Atheists for criticising SJWs and DEI.

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Florida

2026-06-05T20:20:51Z

Crow caw: fuck YouTube censorship

{{spoiler|florida was recently assraped to death by yet another [[SANDYLOOTCREW|hurricane]]}}
[[Image:ShoweR_florida.jpg|thumb|Florida is known for its rain.]]
[[Image:FloridaFun.JPG|thumb|left|[[truth|Contrary to myth, Florida is actually a major cultural center]].]]
[[Image:Alligatorservice.jpg|thumb|[[Lies|Wildlife are extremely friendly there.]]]]
[[Image:Floridodo.jpg|thumb|After breakfast, take a nap on the kitchen floor.]]
[[Image:Crazed1.jpg|thumb|Same shit, different day]]

[[Image:Florida-ba.gif|thumb|The [[final solution]]]]

Once upon a time God decided to create a place where old jews and Republican spics could all live in relative harmony - so he made Florida, America's dick. Seriously, look at the shape of the state. It's in the shape of a flaccid penis. That should tell you enough. Of course God didn't expect anything of value to come from this colossal shithole, he just made it for the [[lulz]].

Right up there with [[China]], [[Nigeria]] and Eastern Europe, Florida's incorporation and fraud laws combine with a lack of cooperation with other states' investigations to create a safe haven for all sorts of predatory fucks with a front as legal businesses. Florida gains attention on the [[internets]] by being [[spam]] central. However, scamming in Florida has a long and sordid history that predates the Internet. Boca Raton once proudly proclaimed itself to be the telemarketing capital of the world with the joke that BR actually stood for Boiler Room. '''B'''ut it doesn't '''R'''eally matter, since everyone in Florida is '''B'''latantly '''R'''etarded.

It's not just spam, either. Huge numbers of pre-recorded telemarketing calls originate from Florida. Florida telemarketers can ignore the Federal TCPA that makes pre-recorded calls illegal, because the Florida AG protects, insulates, and accepts bribes from [[tele-marketers]].

Fake sweepstakes aimed at the elderly show up in your mailbox? Likely from Florida. A too-good-to-be-true vacation offer to DisneyWorld or the Caribbean? A Florida cut-and-run travel agency. When you watch late night TV, start counting how many infomercials for investments, work-at-home or other get-rich-quick schemes have you dealing with someone in Florida.

Clearwater, the home of the Church o' [[Scientology]], is located in Florida, only proving what dumb shits the [[retard|Floridites]] are for allowing them a foothold in the US.

Along with being shaped liek a [[retard|retard's]] [[faggot|dildo]] ([[PROTIP]]: It used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing toward Britfags, until all the [[old people]] moved down into it and made it hang limp), Florida is well known as Cape Dementia, the land of the dead, the cemetery without down payment, and a paradise for the retired dying waste that are [[babyfuck|baby]] [[goatse|boomers]]. The state is has [[over nine thousand]] seniors, which make it a fucking [[Snapesnogger|nightmare]] to drive anywhere (and it's not like there are any viable public transit options), maneuver a cart through [[7-11|Walmart]] or even walk down the street. You can be sure if you live here that you will get to see many-a grey-haired fucker die. Meanwhile, in North Florida, the Administrative Wing, there are lots of [[drugs]] to smoke, and even though North Florida has a more hellishly hot climate than even [[Miami]], many choose to settle there to become state bureaucratic commandants and take care of everybody real good.

When terrorists chose to attack America, they headed straight for the Huffman Aviation flight school in Venice, Florida. The school is run by a superjew named Rudi Dekkers. Who else would [[retard|train them to fly without training them to land]]?

Although most [[fascism|American political thinkers]] agree on the necessity of eventually solving "The Florida Question," there remains disagreement on how best to go about it. While some advocate sealing the border, performing a tactical nuclear strike on the state's major urban centers, and then waiting for the inhabitants to [[death|die]] off over the course of time, groups like the [[furries|ASPCA]] have argued that Floridians may possess an [[Bayeux Tapestry|archaic]] form of self-awareness, thus raising [[abortion|ethical questions]] about such methods.

Fortunately, the Florida question will be solved by global warming, as all it will take is two more inches of rising ocean to drown this foul nest of old folk's homes and retard breeding forever.

Good news, [[pain|sick fucks]]: [[bestiality]] is not [[banned|illegal]] in Florida.

Florida is also home to [[drug|oxycontin]] where it was invented [[at least 100 years ago]] by [[Jews]] hoping they could destroy the pure white 11 toed Aryan population that resides only in the deep hill country of Appalachia. Fifty of the top Fifty doctors who prescribe the most oxycontin reside in the state of Florida, making Florida the premier source of hillbilly heroin. And with their city Lakeland,FL where most niggers reside and
smoke mad blunts and heroin every day, they wanna have sex with your mom and fuck you and make statements claiming that your gay because you don't have
fifty bucks to fuck you up. And since most niggers are sick fucks in florida, you niggers can suck dick.

It's also truly proven that it's sick fuck city, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside (along with their idol Grady Judd) and people who disagree with your statements, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside in and most people get sexually harassed and fucked over. [[Anonymous|Judge us]] and we'll prove you're wrong, home to the most fucked up trolls and we'll shoot your ass and [[Retard|hope]] your mom. We do not forgive our hate against Florida, [[English#The_English_Language|We]] will never forget, [[Nigger#Communication|Nevar]] forget.

And if you're one of those [[Fag|emo kids]] who live in the state, you are evil, gay, smoke 50 blunts, have threesomes everyday, get your ass beat up by school cops, killed by cops in Tampa, publicly humiliated by Grady Judd, arrested by the freedom of speech-hating [[Mike Chitwood]], and you can all die in hell. Enjoy your fucked up life in the state and in the evil city. You sick fucks.

==Weather==

Hot with a 100% chance of being [[Nigger|mugged]] in the summer. The average temperature in Florida in the summer is hotter than your mom fucking with Fidel Castro in a Cuban sandwich press.

Due to being the second hottest state, the men here are incredibly fucking smelly. Women in Florida like that though, due to being retarded fucking cunts who have mistaken what is truly "hot"

It's as cold as Ditchrot somehow in the winter.

Also it's humid as hell there too since the whole place is a bigger, wetter hole than your mother's pussy and the sun shines all the fucking time. Seriously, what normal people call "walking" is "swimming" in Florida. If you want to dry off, jump on a lake, unless you're afraid of man-eating crocodilians, murderous vipers, and infectious algae like the pussy you are.

==People of Florida==
[[Image:mugshot.png|thumb|center|600px|[http://www.google.com.hk/search?q=florida+mugshots Native Floridians in their natural habitat]]] 
{|style="margin: auto;"
|}

==Economy==
[[Image:Florida-bucketoffail.jpg|thumb|[[Yes|Does Florida suck big dicks?]]]]
===Exports===
*Crystal Meth
*Flight Trained Terrorist
*Broke tourist coming home from Disney World
*Retarded Politicians
*E. Coli Infected Produce
*Guatemalan Babies
*[[White trash]] [[faggots]]
*[[White trash|Trailor Park Princesses]]
*Young [[Mangina|manginas]]
*Fear of crime
*Police brutality
*[[Hitler|Grady Judd]], the failed comedian turned dictator of Polk County
*[[Mike Chitwood]] (Shitwood), the [[liberal]] version of Judd who looks like an even more retarded version of [[Dr. Phil]].
*Police presence in [[prison|schools]]
*FREEDUMB!!
*Culture wars
*Sex offenders
*[[Death penalty|Government-sponsored mass murder]]
*Cuban commies
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Child abuse
*Police bootlickers
*[[Action 52]]
*Bloodthirsty killers known as sheriffs
*Raging maniac fugly ass bald bitches and whiny brat trolls violently crusading for gun control as a publicity stunt taking advantage of a tragedy to get on TV
*The nation's highest rates of police killings and pedestrians killed by drivers
*Failed presidential candidates
*DIDNY WORL!

===Imports===
*[[Drugs]]
*Old People
*Mexicans and Cubans
*[[Retards|Tourists]]
*[[Your mom|Your mom]]
*Police [[bullshit|training and tactics]] from an obscure organisation in [[Jew Nersey]]
*Lethal injection drugs from [[Connecticut]], despite CT long abolishing its state-level death penalty
*[[Jew|Timeshare scam artists]]
*Death row inmates outsourced by [[California|Adolf Newsom]]
*[[Hitler|Gas chambers]] from Nazi Germany.
*Donald Trump
*Beheading from [[Saudi Arabia]]
*MAGAites
*Car-addicted suburbanites
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Police bootlickers
*NIMBYs
*[[Scum|Real estate investors]]
*New Yorkers
*School bullies
*Tax evaders
*5-metre long pythons
*Censorship
*Grifters
*Canadian architects [[fail|whose condo buildings can't even stay up]]
*Chinks and Kikes
*Niggers
*Moar New Yorkers!

== Traditions of Florida ==
*[[Burn a Koran Day]]
*Sex offender shuffle
*Worshipping Donald Trump and [[Satan|sucking his dick]]
*Police brutality
*[[Lie|Freedom]]
*Running over pedestrians and peaceful protestors
*Child murder
*Violently arresting toddlers
*Ableism
*RAGE!!!
*[[scam|Timeshares]]
*Getting epicly roasted by [[John Oliver]]
*Eating shit
*Gassing Jews 75 years after the Nazis did
*Pretending to care about anti-semitism just to virtue signal and threaten your enemies
*Mass incarceration
*[[Death penalty]] via gas chambers (as in [[Nazi Germany]], even for non-homicide crimes (as in [[Iran]]), because [[North Korea|fuck human rights]].
*Jerking off to the stupid cringe news media attention whoring press conferences of Grady Judd (if you're a MAGAite) or Mike Shitwood (if you're a shitlib)
*[[Randal O'Toole|Jerking off in a jitney]]

==Laws==
Floridians are very proud of their Florida Statutes.

===Sunshine Laws===
Basically news journalists can demand arrest records and write whatever the fuck they want. [[Old Media]] exploits this fact by dramatically and incorrectly reporting on things that will trigger [[Conservatism|consericucks]] and [[Liberalism|libtards]]. They run lots of "Florida Man" articles, making the word Florida Man become synonymous with meth-addicted [[redneck]]s who do stupid shit and get arrested.

===Stand Your Ground===
Known to the locals as a "Nigger Huntin' License," the Stand Your Ground law allows white people to get away with murder, as long as the "victim" is a [[Not_Black_people|nigger]]. Exceptions are made for some [[spics]] like George Zimmerman, the brave hero who shot down an unarmed black teen named [[Trayvon Martin]]. Zimmerman is a hero to many [[White_Nationalism|inbred redneck faggots who think demographic shifts are white genocide]]. Florida was the first state to write such a law, inspiring many other states in the [[Jewnited States of Americunts]] to do the same.

== Aliens hate Florida ==
<center><youtube>A8zsdIQe9UQ</youtube></center>

==Notable Floridians and Related Articles==
[[Image:Nukeflorida.jpg|thumb|There's an idea.]]
[[File:Floridaman.png|thumb]]
[[File:Man vs gator0.jpg|thumb]]
*[[Alligator]]s
*[[Alec Difrawi]]
*[[Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto]] - Originally of [[Jew York|Staten Island, New York]], but recently moved to America's Wang in an obvious political publicity stunt.
*[[Blueshinewolf]]
*[[Bob Allen]]
*[[Cocaine]]
*[[¡Jeb!|Jeb Bush]]
*[[Danny]]
*[[Retard|David Hogg]] - raging lunatic and news media attention whore
*[[Destiny]] - biggest scumbag on the internet
*[[Disney|Disney World]]
*[[Donald Buffkin]]
*[[Donald Trump]]
*[[Doopie DoOver]] Trailor Park Princess and [[Internet poor|Notorious E-Begger]]
*[[DJ Skeptik]]
*[[Dyke|Emma Gonzales]] - fugly ass bald psychopath cunt and another news media attention whore
*[[Fort Lauderdale]]- World's boomer capital
*[[Grady Judd]] - failed comedian turned dictator of [[North Korea|Polk County]]
*[[Mike Chitwood]] - the liberal version of Judd in [[Hell|Volusia County]]
*Wayne Ivey - another "sheriff" who masturbates to ISIS beheading videos on gore websites
*[[Trayvon Martin|George Zimmerman]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[billionaire|Jess Morris]] - sexy but also a rich sociopath
*[[John Travolta]]
*[[JoshU2uber]]
*[[Kelly Kalogerakos]]
*[[Libertarian Fox]]
*[[Mark Foley]]
*[[Miami]]
*[[Niggers|Negroes]]
*[[Old people]]
*[[Pedobear]]
*[[Pulse Nightclub Massacre]] - Happened here.
*[[Ryulong]]
*Simone Gold - fake doctor and [[anti-vaxxer]]
*[[Sora Del Corazon]] - Cuban Sonicfag that lives in Florida.
*[[SuperMarioLogan]] - A very lulzy YouTuber who plays with plushies and doxxed his house so his "fans" can come over.
*[[Tablecow]]
*[[Hell|Tampa]] - officially dubbed the Death Capital of the Americas, this city combines everything wrong with the state and takes it to the extreme.
*[[Violence|Shayla A. Muldrow]]
*[[The Mulberry Eight]]
*[[Trayvon Martin]] - Was pwned here in [[2012]].
*[[Satan]]
*[[Spics]]
*[[Terri Schiavo]]
*[[The Florida Tweenie Rapists]]
*[[University of Florida Taser incident]]
*[[Nicolas Cruz]]
*[[Connor Larramore]] - A babyfur retard [[BPD|annoying]] scizo who's obsessed with poly relationships, who's also a noteable ween/white knight to [[Keegan Salisbury]].
*[[Ass|Brittany Tareco]] - sexy fishing champion
*[[Whore|Vicky Stark]] - 50-year-old [[OnlyFans]] slut who's had a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery

== External links ==
*[http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2004-07-19-spam-central_x.htm USA Today: Florida delivers sunshine and spam.]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20050213091710/http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/fred_grimm/5964205.htm?1c Bogus Boca.]
 
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]
{{Timeline|Featured article July 16 & July 17, [[2013]]|[[Racism]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[s4s/|/s4s/]]}}

{{Timeline|Featured article August 7 & August 8, [[2024]]|[[Axel Muganwa Rudakubana]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Cocaine]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now June 19 & 20, [[2025]]|[[Jehovah's Witnesses]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Turkey Tom]]}}

Mike Chitwood

2026-06-05T20:17:15Z

Crow caw: Kamala is a nupid stigger

{{Fed}}
[[File:Mike Chitwood bra pic.jpeg|220px|left]]
{{Elaw}}
'''Mike Chitwood''', a.k.a. '''Kike Shitwood'''{{Jew}}, is a former [[Florida]] sheriff turned full-time [[Internet police]] Gestapo man with a hate-boner for those [[4chan]] [[trolls]]. He voted for [[Kamala Harris]] in 2024 solely because he liked her tough-on-crime fear-mongering. He is a notable [[snowflake]] who launches into violent hissy fits in response to any criticism of his retarded bullshit, all while hypocritically accusing his enemies of the same actions. Shitwood is a bully, a coward and a tyrant. All he knows how to do is insult and threaten people while [[attention whoring]] in the sensationalist local news media (looking at YOU, Fox 35 Orlando!). What separates him from most of the casuals is his intense sexual fetish for actually sending people who offend him to jail. Shitwood is basically a liberal version of the equally nasty blowhard Grady Judd and the creepy pervert Wayne Ivey. All Florida sheriffs are the modern Gestapo. Only the pigs with badges in [[Tulsa]] are arguably worse. At least Shitwood hasn't arrested and summarily executed anyone for the fake phony invented victimless "crime" known as [[bullshit|"jaywalking"]] yet. That's the only thing going for him.

==Chitwood declares war on 4chan==
[[File:GDL highway banner.jpeg|220px|left]]
Beginning in [[2023]], Mike Chitwood rose to e-prominence by targeting users of [[4chan]]. It all started when the [[Goyim Defense League]] trolled the Daytona International Speedway by hanging [[funny|antisemitic]] banners over it, causing Mike Chitwood to dis them, causing 4chan nazis to post about their fantasies to kill him (in Minecraft, of course), causing many of them to get arrested and extradited to Florida so they could ride down the escalator of shame at the Florida airport where Chitwood could greet them personally at the bottom because Chitwood likes to get the last laugh. In fact, you don’t even need to necessarily threaten Chitwood's life to get on his shitlist; people like [[Richard Golden]] only suggested somebody should kill Mike Chitwood (in a video game no less) and still got a year's worth of jail time. In an act of hypocrisy, Shitwood is trying to execute people who even criticise him. Ultimately, Mike Chitwood views it as essential to crush the First Amendment because it allegedly allowed shit like the [[Payton Gendron|Buffalo Supermarket Shooting]] to happen. Shitwood supports amnesty for [[illegal aliens]], all because he gets even richer locking them up.

==Chitwood goes after the kids==

[[File:Minecraft don’t go to school meme.jpeg|thumb|left|Post this and the [[consequences will never be the same]].]]
Sometime in 2018, Chitwood began arresting and perp-walking kids for posting [[school shooting]] threats online. The department also made sure to release their face [[dox]]es and [[powerword]]s as a form of punishment through public humiliation via their “Naming and Shaming” policy; forever screwing up their future prospects just for sharing [[edgy]] [[memes]] online or having a dark and sordid sense of humor. This caused much butthurt among [[free speech]] advocates and [[libertarians]], although "tough on crime" extremists like Shitwood and his bootlickers view these extreme tactics as somehow normal because fuck [[pussies|human rights]].

Since Shitwood and company gleefully released these kids' information to the public, we might as well cover some of them with their mugshots to boot as certificates of their badassery:

:''see also: [[High Score#Absolute Fucking Failures]]''
[[File:Carlo Dorelli mugshot.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Carlo "Kingston" Dorelli''' (11), Creekside Middle School
Jokingly showed off his arsenal of air soft guns, knives, swords and a hit list to his classmates through FaceTime calls, leading to his arrest on Sept. 16, 2024. Ironically, it was another 11-year-old boy that ratted him out who was involved in similar activities. Fucking snitches.
<center><youtube>HDAMPJVkZek</youtube></center>
[[File:Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance''' (17 & 16), T. Dewitt Taylor Middle-High
Shortly after their school broadcasted an announcement warning students that all threats would be taken seriously (too seriously if you ask me) and could lead to arrest, Trinity posted a picture of her school laptop on [[Snapchat]] captioned with “Imma shoot up the school”, Brayden commented “Same”, then they were both arrested on Sep. 18, 2024.

Perp walk video: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=505488772279311&vanity=sheriffchitwood&http_ref=eyJ0cyI6MTc2OTAzNjYxOTAwMCwiciI6Imh0dHBzOlwvXC93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbVwvIn0%3D
[[File:Kamden Taylor BUSTED.jpeg|thumb|Criminal scum right where he belongs.|250px]]
*'''Kamden Taylor''' (13), Riverview Learning Center
Arrested TWICE. Once on Sept. 27, 2024, for making a threat against somebody through his [[PlayStation]] and again in Feb. 6, 2025, because the AI overlords detected something he wrote on his school computer.
<center><youtube>9QVLCVeHbzg</youtube></center>

Hopefully, this gives you an idea of how absolutely minute some of these kids' offenses were and how Orwellian the justice response to it is.

And here's the rest of them:
<center><youtube>Qmzf9nQZNEU</youtube></center>

===Onideus Mad Hatter Saves The Kids===
Some time in 2025, the ever-prevalent [[lolcow]], [[Onideus Mad Hatter]], came to prominence once again after sending a death threat (if we are to use the word “threat” loosely) to Mike Chitwood and getting the whole escalator of shame treatment as a result of it. Apparently Mr. Onideus had the balls to criticise Shitwood's violent abuse of these children at taxpayer expense because their mugshots were being sourced into the paedo Wayne Ivey's [[AI art|AI-generated child pornography]] or something like that.

==Gallery of Shitwood's hypocrisy==
<center><gallery>
File:Richard Golden coming out.jpeg
File:Mike Chitwood 4chan meme.png
File:Richard Golden soyjak.png
File:Chitwood Merchandise.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 1.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 2.png
</gallery></center>

==See Also==
*[[Joe Lieberman]] - a politician arguably even more Jewey and anti-lulz than Chitwood is. He wants you arrested just for being [[Goth]] or playing [[DOOM]]. The good news is Lie-burman is burning in hell where he belongs.
*[[Grady Judd]] - an even more violent version of Shitwood with an even bigger ego and equally obnoxious cult of personality known for stupid cringe propaganda videos. The only difference is Judd targets [[niggers]] and [[spics]].
*[[Onideus Mad Hatter]] - One of his victims.
*[[Richard Golden]] - Another one of his victims.
*[[Houston]] - Home of many Shitwood copycats, from John Whitmire (aka Shitfire) to David Fleischer (who is also a paedo).
*[[Mahathir bin Mohamad]] - [[muzzie]] version of Shitwood
*[[The Simpsons]] - Where Chitwood belongs
*[[VPN]] - So Chitwood and his fellow surveillance state actors cannot monitor you searching up [[pr0ns]] as easily.

==External Links so you can troll the fucker==
*{{Facebook|sheriffchitwood|His Facebook}}
*{{Twitter|SheriffChitwood|His Twitter}}
*{{Instagram|sheriffchitwood|His Instagram}}

{{portals|chans|trolls}}
{{Cancer}}
{{Childabuseseries}}
{{Columbine}}
{{jewseries}}
{{Politics}}
{{serious Business}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category: attention whores]]

Wisconsin

2026-06-05T20:11:43Z

Crow caw:

[[Image:Cheese_Bra.jpg|thumb|This man is considered attractive in Wisconsin.]]

'''ZOMG WISCONSIN KEY SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE CRUCIAL VITAL PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!1!!''' - Every Amerikunt politician and news reporter

''Were you looking for a teenage wannabe armature porn star who fucks dogs and tricks pedestrians into sniffing her vaginal gunk? See [[Whitney Wisconsin]].'' 

[[File:Proof wisconsin is a shithole.png|thumb|Map of excessive drinking by county. Notice how Wisconsin is clearly visible in this map.]]

Wisconsin (or as the locals call it, WisCAAAAANsin) is a huge parasitic shithole in the [[Illinois|Midwest]]. The birthplace of the [[Republican]] Party, [[nazi|Senator Joe McCarthy]] and [[nazi|The Freedom from Religion Foundation]]. In other words, Wisconsin is essentially [[Arizona]] with eight months of winter. It houses [[fact|73% of the country's fat people]], [[redneck]]s and [[alcoholic]]s. Most people consider Wisconsin to be a disgrace to America. Wisconsin's neighbors absolutely hate this fucking state.

The typical Wisconsin resident is an obese white truck driver who owns a farm and is married to a cow. In fact, if you look at a satellite photograph of Wisconsin, you will see lots of green from the state's massive amount of corn and John Deere tractors. You will also see lots of brown, owing to the lack of septic tanks in Wisconsin.

If you are lucky enough to stumble upon an inhabited location in Wisconsin, you will find [[over 9000]] Indian casinos, bars, and liquor stores. There are no houses in these cities because everyone lives in underground retirement homes.

If you are ever challenged to a drinking contest by someone from Wisconsin, don't, because when Wisconsinaians are drunk, they may start talking about tractors and how to hump livestock. If you're really unlucky, they will try to [[raep]] your [[penis]] for [[money]] because of the fact that the niggers in wisconsin are opened in the [[anus]].

Since 2016, Wisconsin has been lusted after by every amerikunt politician along with [[Pennsylvania]] and [[Michigan]]. The two-party duopoly's obsession with these so-called swing states is why nothing ever gets done.

== History ==
[[File:Wisconsin-hick.gif|thumb|Typical Wisconsin Resident.]]
[[At least 100]] years ago, some [[French]] guy named [[Star Trek|Jean Luc-Picard]] became Wisconsin's first Space captain, landing in a cornfield near modern-day Corn Bay in search of [[cp|child pornography]]. Sadly, all he found were [[Native_Americans|red people]] and corn.

After the Revolution, Wisconsin was part of the U.S. Useless Territory. It was then governed as part of [[AIDS]] Ranch, [[Faggot]] dump, and [[Michigan]]. Settlement began when the first two public [[eBay]] offices opened.

The state STD is AIDS (aka [[faggot]] disease), which reflects Wisconsin's early sexual history. Many town names such as AIDS Point recall a period [[at least 100 years ago]] when Wisconsin was an important sexual concentration camp.

After all of this faggotry occurred, larger numbers of [[Jews]] arrived, and the state subsequently became over one-third Ash. Most became small business owners, especially known for their nick knack shops and dildo emporiums. Others moved to Milwaukee to find employment and make their usual profit from the city's high concentration of gullible [[nigra]]s.

The official religion of 'Scaaaaansin is based on the American't [[handegg|football]] team, The Green Bay (fudge)Packers. Worship of these [[fag|athletes]] is regarded as [[serious business]], and the indoctrination of children to this mindless [[NORP]] faith is common. This is at the same time as the militant [[atheist]] Freedom from Religion Foundation and the basement-dwelling liberal troll [[Jerome McCollom]] hail from here.

In 1836, Wisconsin became the undeclared loser of the [[Toledo]] War of 1835, a dispute that it wasn't even a part of. This says a lot about Wisconsin.

== Geography ==
[[File:Grazing-cow-1b.jpg|thumb|High tier residents are married to at least one cow. The remainder take local [[fat|women]].]]
The landscape of Wisconsin was formed by the [[crap|movement]] of glaciers during the ice age. These glaciers changed the land by carving out bluffs and depositing soil to form Wisconsin's trademark hills. Unfortunately, these glaciers occurred [[at least 9000]] years ago when civilization did not exist. So instead of rightfully destroying Wisconsin and all of its backwards [[white trash]] inhabitants, it turned the area into an outdoor haven for hicks throughout the Midwest who can't afford a real vacation. Wisconsin is also a hot spot for severe thunderstorms, blizzards, tornadoes, and minor flooding. None of these have any real chance at wiping Wisconsin off the map, however.

Fortunately, there is still some hope. Wisconsin shares borders with two of the Great Lakes. If [[global warming]] - the only remaining political tool of dirty, [[Drug|pot-smoking]] [[hippies]] - does exist, it will cause these lakes to flood most of Wisconsin, turning the land into a boiling stew of cheese, beer, bratwurst, flannel jackets, 80s rock cassettes and the [[Dutch]].

== Wisconsin Cities ==
[[File:Jefferydahmersbrain.jpg|thumb|Jeffrey Dahmer's brain.]]
[[File:Cheesehead.jpg|thumb|[[Homosexuals|The average couple]] from Wisconsin.]]
[[File:Freakedpickles.png|thumb|[[Pickles]] is from Wisconsin.]]
[[File:Lootcrew.jpg|thumb|right]]
'''Milwaukee:''' Allegedly Wisconsin's largest city. Supposedly a place that despite being within Wisconsin's borders has a people population that [[over 9000|far outnumbers]] the cows including heavy concentrations of [[nigras]], Mexicans and [[hipsters]], still functioning factories, as well as miles of running and biking trails, and a huge [[fag|art museum]]. However, because [[redneck|Wisconsin people]] are afraid of all of these things, no one has ever actually gone to Milwaukee to see if it really exists. It is widely suspected that Milwaukee was created by the media for news stories about black people and as a setting for lame nostalgic sitcoms. A highly credible, alternate theory states that Milwaukee did exist at one point, but that [[Sick fuck|Jeffrey Dahmer]] ate the entire population between 1978 and 1991. The home of the annoying liberal militant atheist basement-dwelling internet troll named Jerome McCollom. Where every single fucking presidential candidate must hold 9999999 rallies!!

'''Madison:''' Wisconsin's [[dirty|communist]] [[hippy]] hatchery. Takes pride in being the "Berkeley of the Midwest" without regard for the fact that it's just like every other fucking college town in existence and that being like Berkeley is nothing to be proud of. Madisonians like to think they live in such a unique and intellectual city for being [[communist|green]], militantly [[atheist]], tolerant of [[fags]], and believing in [[liberal]] policies. But they're really just unaware of how low the bar is set in a state where Green Acres and Hee Haw are considered cultural programming. The University of Wisconsin now admits more students from the east coast than from in-state as part of an ongoing 30-year plan to completely eliminate having to deal with people from Wisconsin by the year 2025. Perhaps realizing this noble goal may not be realized in time, and trying to get on the map internationally, the UW system ramped up student harvesting abroad to such a degree that UW-Madison may as well be some [[Asian]] metropolis. That is, a Asian metropolis filled with real deal hippies, hallways that smell like piss (likely, since alcohol may as well be the water source), restaurants that cost far too much for the generic food they serve, and liberal insanity that would make [[San Francisco]]ans blush. In 2011 [[faggot|Scott Walker]] sold out to the auto industry and banned passenger rail from Madison. Eventually, the city decided to launch a "recall election" against Walker, [[WTF|failing to notice they have nothing to prove against a new governor]]. This was a [[epic fail|total flop]] as Walker [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|cheated and stole the election by a massive margin after everyone nationwide thought he was toast.]] Walker, in fine Wisconsin tradition, has continued his excellent work [[trolling]] neighbors and [[liberals]] alike. The only good thing he's done is piss off the Freedumb from Religion Foundation assholes and their bootlicker Jerome McCollom.

'''Kenosha:''' You know how even a mutant family still has the oddball/[[Nigra|black sheep]]? Kenosha is that family member. The closest land to the open cesspit that is [[Illinois]], it naturally picks up horrible traits from [[Chicago]]. In fact, it may as well not be in Wisconsin. Srsly, according to the census, it's a part of metropolitan Chicago. How much more of an insult do you need than that? Noted for looking nothing like the rest of Wisconsin as well, it nonetheless still has some family traits - namely, they love to get stone cold [[drunk]]. We think, anyways. It would be pretty shameful to be from Wisconsin and not get drunk. They're quite depressed, but that's understandable due to where they are. Having the most bars per capita in the world is a good clue. Has been experiencing heavy emigration from other parts of the country as well as Chicago for some reason we have yet to discover. If you go [[oral_sex|downtown]] you can pay 50 cents to get on a trolley that makes a loop to absolutely fucking nowhere. The streets are interestingly in a boring, unoriginal grid pattern that everyone can understand. Which can't really be said for our next entry...

'''Racine:''' Birthplace and homeland of [[Max Hardcore]], nuff said. A French name, but oddly enough, there aren't many [[French]] cunts around. Instead, tons of [[Danish]] people moved here for reasons unknown. Called the "Belle City" for decades - while they tell you it's because the [[women]] are beautiful, in reality this is only half of the truth. They usually forget to mention nearly all the women turn into massive [[whore|whores]]. Kind of makes the whole Max Hardcore thing make sense in retrospect, right? That's only the beginning, though. Racine was once a major industrial center; now, it just exports whores and [[crazy|wackos]]. In Racine, the stereotype that [[Catholic]] girls become whores isn't a stereotype, it's just [[fact|scientific law]]. Kind and nice whores, yes. But the poon just doesn't end- most everyone loses their virginity before the end of middle school; many even by the end of elementary school. Believe us...it only seems odd when you actually leave Wisconsin. Also has a long history of interesting [[crime]] - Al Capone used Racine as his hideaway and storage of goods from Milwaukee to Chicago. The [[police|po-po]] still have John Dillinger's Tommy gun. Nowadays, [[gangsta]] teenagers like to think they're hardcore, but really they haven't done shit. For [[Jesus|Christ's]] sake, only like two people have died from gang violence in the past few years! Pathetic! Hasn't felt the economic recession as much as other cities or states - no this is not due to Racine's economic dynamism, but because unemployment has been so consistently high for years that double digit unemployment elicits nothing more than a yawn. The only way to suffer worse from de-industrialization is to be like [[Detroit]], and no one wants to do that. Understandable, this leads to a favorite pasttime of youngsters, which is to complain there is nothing to do in Racine, and vow they will leave as soon as they can. But most of them come back, eventually.

'''Green Bay:''' What you would get if [[Redneck|Larry The Cable Guy]] got lost because he couldn't read, wandered north and designed a city that was granted an NFL franchise. Prides itself on its "family friendly" environment despite the fact that domestic violence [[True|doubles on days when the Packers lose]] and the majority of kids who grow up here become opioid/meth-addicts who work at Wal-Mart or sit home and collect disability checks. No one in Green Bay has any aspirations beyond [[Hunting|killing animals]] and [[alcoholic|attending the next $10 all-you-can-drink night]]. They used to take pride in the Packers when they were led by the local [[Redneck|Wrangler-wearing]], smaller-dicked version of [[Jesus]] known as [[Douchebag|Brett Favre]], but even he decided in 2008 that he could no longer stand to live around these freaks and the already astronomical local suicide rate increased accordingly.

'''Appleton:''' Exactly like Green Bay, but with less football teams and cheese. Has chronic butthurt from always being second to Green Bay. The city tries to be the cultural center of the region but due to the lack of real culture it continues to be another white trash shithole like Green Bay. Also responsible for producing the great American patriot [[psychopath|Senator Joe McCarthy]].

'''Lake Geneva and Door County:''' Elaborate tourist traps whose economies are dependent upon marginally-successful Chicago businessmen who can't afford to vacation somewhere that people actually want to go. The average vacationer in one of these places thinks "roughing it" means sleeping in a $30,000 camper. The entire county reeks of dead fish, which are eaten by tourists.

== Famous Wisconsin residents ==
[[Image:PeggyA.Lautenschlager.jpg|right|thumb|Peggy A Lautensschlager: Attorney General of the State of Wisconsin and [[Amalea]]'s personal lawyer. Arrested DUI on February 23, 2004 and plead guilty, after driving off the road in a state-owned car.]]
*[[A-Log]]'s dad.
*[[Alex Mae Muholland]]
*[[Douchebag|Brett Favre]]
*[[Clayranger89]]
*[[Darrell Brooks]]
*[[Ed Gein]]
*[[Fail|3/4 of the members of Garbage]]
*[[He11sing920]]
*[[Jerome McCollom]]
*Dan Barker and the [[Freedom from Religion Foundation]]
*[[Jeffrey Dahmer]]
*[[Nazi|Senator Joseph Raymond McCarthy]]
*[[Faggot|Liberace]]
*[[Max Hardcore]]
*[[Mystery Science Theater 3000|Mike Nelson]]
*[[Natalie Rupnow]]
*[[Sarah Butts]]
*[[Morgan Geyser & Anissa Weier|The Slenderman Stabbers]]
*Sonny Monroe
*[[Shit|the Violent Femmes]]
*[[Whitney Wisconsin]]

[[Category: Locations]]
{{Unitedstates}}

{{timeline|Featured article April 6 & 7, [[2016]]|[[Rosa Parks]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[LifeInATent]]}}

Wisconsin

2026-06-05T20:10:17Z

Crow caw: fuck ffrf

[[Image:Cheese_Bra.jpg|thumb|This man is considered attractive in Wisconsin.]]

'''ZOMG WISCONSIN KEY SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE CRUCIAL VITAL PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!1!!''' - Every Amerikunt politician and news reporter

''Were you looking for a teenage wannabe armature porn star who fucks dogs and tricks pedestrians into sniffing her vaginal gunk? See [[Whitney Wisconsin]].'' 

[[File:Proof wisconsin is a shithole.png|thumb|Map of excessive drinking by county. Notice how Wisconsin is clearly visible in this map.]]

Wisconsin (or as the locals call it, WisCAAAAANsin) is a huge parasitic shithole in the [[Illinois|Midwest]]. The birthplace of the [[Republican]] Party, [[nazi|Senator Joe McCarthy]] and [[nazi|The John Birch Society]]. In other words, Wisconsin is essentially [[Texas]] with eight months of winter. It houses [[fact|73% of the country's fat people]], [[redneck]]s and [[alcoholic]]s. Most people consider Wisconsin to be a disgrace to America. Wisconsin's neighbors absolutely hate this fucking state.

The typical Wisconsin resident is an obese white truck driver who owns a farm and is married to a cow. In fact, if you look at a satellite photograph of Wisconsin, you will see lots of green from the state's massive amount of corn and John Deere tractors. You will also see lots of brown, owing to the lack of septic tanks in Wisconsin.

If you are lucky enough to stumble upon an inhabited location in Wisconsin, you will find [[over 9000]] Indian casinos, bars, and liquor stores. There are no houses in these cities because everyone lives in underground retirement homes.

If you are ever challenged to a drinking contest by someone from Wisconsin, don't, because when Wisconsinaians are drunk, they may start talking about tractors and how to hump livestock. If you're really unlucky, they will try to [[raep]] your [[penis]] for [[money]] because of the fact that the niggers in wisconsin are opened in the [[anus]].

Since 2016, Wisconsin has been lusted after by every amerikunt politician along with [[Pennsylvania]] and [[Michigan]]. The two-party duopoly's obsession with these so-called swing states is why nothing ever gets done.

== History ==
[[File:Wisconsin-hick.gif|thumb|Typical Wisconsin Resident.]]
[[At least 100]] years ago, some [[French]] guy named [[Star Trek|Jean Luc-Picard]] became Wisconsin's first Space captain, landing in a cornfield near modern-day Corn Bay in search of [[cp|child pornography]]. Sadly, all he found were [[Native_Americans|red people]] and corn.

After the Revolution, Wisconsin was part of the U.S. Useless Territory. It was then governed as part of [[AIDS]] Ranch, [[Faggot]] dump, and [[Michigan]]. Settlement began when the first two public [[eBay]] offices opened.

The state STD is AIDS (aka [[faggot]] disease), which reflects Wisconsin's early sexual history. Many town names such as AIDS Point recall a period [[at least 100 years ago]] when Wisconsin was an important sexual concentration camp.

After all of this faggotry occurred, larger numbers of [[Jews]] arrived, and the state subsequently became over one-third Ash. Most became small business owners, especially known for their nick knack shops and dildo emporiums. Others moved to Milwaukee to find employment and make their usual profit from the city's high concentration of gullible [[nigra]]s.

The official religion of 'Scaaaaansin is based on the American't [[handegg|football]] team, The Green Bay (fudge)Packers. Worship of these [[fag|athletes]] is regarded as [[serious business]], and the indoctrination of children to this mindless [[NORP]] faith is common. This is at the same time as the militant [[atheist]] Freedom from Religion Foundation and the basement-dwelling liberal troll [[Jerome McCollom]] hail from here.

In 1836, Wisconsin became the undeclared loser of the [[Toledo]] War of 1835, a dispute that it wasn't even a part of. This says a lot about Wisconsin.

== Geography ==
[[File:Grazing-cow-1b.jpg|thumb|High tier residents are married to at least one cow. The remainder take local [[fat|women]].]]
The landscape of Wisconsin was formed by the [[crap|movement]] of glaciers during the ice age. These glaciers changed the land by carving out bluffs and depositing soil to form Wisconsin's trademark hills. Unfortunately, these glaciers occurred [[at least 9000]] years ago when civilization did not exist. So instead of rightfully destroying Wisconsin and all of its backwards [[white trash]] inhabitants, it turned the area into an outdoor haven for hicks throughout the Midwest who can't afford a real vacation. Wisconsin is also a hot spot for severe thunderstorms, blizzards, tornadoes, and minor flooding. None of these have any real chance at wiping Wisconsin off the map, however.

Fortunately, there is still some hope. Wisconsin shares borders with two of the Great Lakes. If [[global warming]] - the only remaining political tool of dirty, [[Drug|pot-smoking]] [[hippies]] - does exist, it will cause these lakes to flood most of Wisconsin, turning the land into a boiling stew of cheese, beer, bratwurst, flannel jackets, 80s rock cassettes and the [[Dutch]].

== Wisconsin Cities ==
[[File:Jefferydahmersbrain.jpg|thumb|Jeffrey Dahmer's brain.]]
[[File:Cheesehead.jpg|thumb|[[Homosexuals|The average couple]] from Wisconsin.]]
[[File:Freakedpickles.png|thumb|[[Pickles]] is from Wisconsin.]]
[[File:Lootcrew.jpg|thumb|right]]
'''Milwaukee:''' Allegedly Wisconsin's largest city. Supposedly a place that despite being within Wisconsin's borders has a people population that [[over 9000|far outnumbers]] the cows including heavy concentrations of [[nigras]], Mexicans and [[hipsters]], still functioning factories, as well as miles of running and biking trails, and a huge [[fag|art museum]]. However, because [[redneck|Wisconsin people]] are afraid of all of these things, no one has ever actually gone to Milwaukee to see if it really exists. It is widely suspected that Milwaukee was created by the media for news stories about black people and as a setting for lame nostalgic sitcoms. A highly credible, alternate theory states that Milwaukee did exist at one point, but that [[Sick fuck|Jeffrey Dahmer]] ate the entire population between 1978 and 1991. The home of the annoying liberal militant atheist basement-dwelling internet troll named Jerome McCollom. Where every single fucking presidential candidate must hold 9999999 rallies!!

'''Madison:''' Wisconsin's [[dirty|communist]] [[hippy]] hatchery. Takes pride in being the "Berkeley of the Midwest" without regard for the fact that it's just like every other fucking college town in existence and that being like Berkeley is nothing to be proud of. Madisonians like to think they live in such a unique and intellectual city for being [[communist|green]], militantly [[atheist]], tolerant of [[fags]], and believing in [[liberal]] policies. But they're really just unaware of how low the bar is set in a state where Green Acres and Hee Haw are considered cultural programming. The University of Wisconsin now admits more students from the east coast than from in-state as part of an ongoing 30-year plan to completely eliminate having to deal with people from Wisconsin by the year 2025. Perhaps realizing this noble goal may not be realized in time, and trying to get on the map internationally, the UW system ramped up student harvesting abroad to such a degree that UW-Madison may as well be some [[Asian]] metropolis. That is, a Asian metropolis filled with real deal hippies, hallways that smell like piss (likely, since alcohol may as well be the water source), restaurants that cost far too much for the generic food they serve, and liberal insanity that would make [[San Francisco]]ans blush. In 2011 [[faggot|Scott Walker]] sold out to the auto industry and banned passenger rail from Madison. Eventually, the city decided to launch a "recall election" against Walker, [[WTF|failing to notice they have nothing to prove against a new governor]]. This was a [[epic fail|total flop]] as Walker [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|cheated and stole the election by a massive margin after everyone nationwide thought he was toast.]] Walker, in fine Wisconsin tradition, has continued his excellent work [[trolling]] neighbors and [[liberals]] alike. The only good thing he's done is piss off the Freedumb from Religion Foundation assholes and their bootlicker Jerome McCollom.

'''Kenosha:''' You know how even a mutant family still has the oddball/[[Nigra|black sheep]]? Kenosha is that family member. The closest land to the open cesspit that is [[Illinois]], it naturally picks up horrible traits from [[Chicago]]. In fact, it may as well not be in Wisconsin. Srsly, according to the census, it's a part of metropolitan Chicago. How much more of an insult do you need than that? Noted for looking nothing like the rest of Wisconsin as well, it nonetheless still has some family traits - namely, they love to get stone cold [[drunk]]. We think, anyways. It would be pretty shameful to be from Wisconsin and not get drunk. They're quite depressed, but that's understandable due to where they are. Having the most bars per capita in the world is a good clue. Has been experiencing heavy emigration from other parts of the country as well as Chicago for some reason we have yet to discover. If you go [[oral_sex|downtown]] you can pay 50 cents to get on a trolley that makes a loop to absolutely fucking nowhere. The streets are interestingly in a boring, unoriginal grid pattern that everyone can understand. Which can't really be said for our next entry...

'''Racine:''' Birthplace and homeland of [[Max Hardcore]], nuff said. A French name, but oddly enough, there aren't many [[French]] cunts around. Instead, tons of [[Danish]] people moved here for reasons unknown. Called the "Belle City" for decades - while they tell you it's because the [[women]] are beautiful, in reality this is only half of the truth. They usually forget to mention nearly all the women turn into massive [[whore|whores]]. Kind of makes the whole Max Hardcore thing make sense in retrospect, right? That's only the beginning, though. Racine was once a major industrial center; now, it just exports whores and [[crazy|wackos]]. In Racine, the stereotype that [[Catholic]] girls become whores isn't a stereotype, it's just [[fact|scientific law]]. Kind and nice whores, yes. But the poon just doesn't end- most everyone loses their virginity before the end of middle school; many even by the end of elementary school. Believe us...it only seems odd when you actually leave Wisconsin. Also has a long history of interesting [[crime]] - Al Capone used Racine as his hideaway and storage of goods from Milwaukee to Chicago. The [[police|po-po]] still have John Dillinger's Tommy gun. Nowadays, [[gangsta]] teenagers like to think they're hardcore, but really they haven't done shit. For [[Jesus|Christ's]] sake, only like two people have died from gang violence in the past few years! Pathetic! Hasn't felt the economic recession as much as other cities or states - no this is not due to Racine's economic dynamism, but because unemployment has been so consistently high for years that double digit unemployment elicits nothing more than a yawn. The only way to suffer worse from de-industrialization is to be like [[Detroit]], and no one wants to do that. Understandable, this leads to a favorite pasttime of youngsters, which is to complain there is nothing to do in Racine, and vow they will leave as soon as they can. But most of them come back, eventually.

'''Green Bay:''' What you would get if [[Redneck|Larry The Cable Guy]] got lost because he couldn't read, wandered north and designed a city that was granted an NFL franchise. Prides itself on its "family friendly" environment despite the fact that domestic violence [[True|doubles on days when the Packers lose]] and the majority of kids who grow up here become opioid/meth-addicts who work at Wal-Mart or sit home and collect disability checks. No one in Green Bay has any aspirations beyond [[Hunting|killing animals]] and [[alcoholic|attending the next $10 all-you-can-drink night]]. They used to take pride in the Packers when they were led by the local [[Redneck|Wrangler-wearing]], smaller-dicked version of [[Jesus]] known as [[Douchebag|Brett Favre]], but even he decided in 2008 that he could no longer stand to live around these freaks and the already astronomical local suicide rate increased accordingly.

'''Appleton:''' Exactly like Green Bay, but with less football teams and cheese. Has chronic butthurt from always being second to Green Bay. The city tries to be the cultural center of the region but due to the lack of real culture it continues to be another white trash shithole like Green Bay. Also responsible for producing the great American patriot [[psychopath|Senator Joe McCarthy]].

'''Lake Geneva and Door County:''' Elaborate tourist traps whose economies are dependent upon marginally-successful Chicago businessmen who can't afford to vacation somewhere that people actually want to go. The average vacationer in one of these places thinks "roughing it" means sleeping in a $30,000 camper. The entire county reeks of dead fish, which are eaten by tourists.

== Famous Wisconsin residents ==
[[Image:PeggyA.Lautenschlager.jpg|right|thumb|Peggy A Lautensschlager: Attorney General of the State of Wisconsin and [[Amalea]]'s personal lawyer. Arrested DUI on February 23, 2004 and plead guilty, after driving off the road in a state-owned car.]]
*[[A-Log]]'s dad.
*[[Alex Mae Muholland]]
*[[Douchebag|Brett Favre]]
*[[Clayranger89]]
*[[Darrell Brooks]]
*[[Ed Gein]]
*[[Fail|3/4 of the members of Garbage]]
*[[He11sing920]]
*[[Jerome McCollom]]
*Dan Barker and the [[Freedom from Religion Foundation]]
*[[Jeffrey Dahmer]]
*[[Nazi|Senator Joseph Raymond McCarthy]]
*[[Faggot|Liberace]]
*[[Max Hardcore]]
*[[Mystery Science Theater 3000|Mike Nelson]]
*[[Natalie Rupnow]]
*[[Sarah Butts]]
*[[Morgan Geyser & Anissa Weier|The Slenderman Stabbers]]
*Sonny Monroe
*[[Shit|the Violent Femmes]]
*[[Whitney Wisconsin]]

[[Category: Locations]]
{{Unitedstates}}

{{timeline|Featured article April 6 & 7, [[2016]]|[[Rosa Parks]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[LifeInATent]]}}

Austin

2026-06-05T20:00:55Z

Crow caw: /* The People */

[[Image:Congress.jpg|thumb|right| Austin is the capitol of [[Texas]], home to the [[Fag Enabler | University of Texas]] - the [[Unwarranted self importance | largest]] public university in [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Merica]]. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning [[Emos | live music]] scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.]]

'''Austin''' is the [[Hippy | hippie]] leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise [[redneck]] ballsack that is [[Texas]] and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as [[33mhz]], Molobolo, cupid Jungian and [[hardvice]], as well as several decent [[LJer]]s outside [[Dramacrat|Dramacratic]] circles.

While perhaps not as central to [[teh]] [[drama]] as, say, [[Seattle]] or [[Atlanta]], it's worth noting that, as the former home of [http://www.popsubculture.com/pop/bio_project/charles_whitman.html Charles Whitman], Austin is the birthplace of the [[School Shooting]], and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like [http://www.texasnaacp.org/jasper.htm Jasper] and [http://www.rickross.com/groups/waco.html Waco].

In 1966, [[Cho Seung Hui]] time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot [[at least 100]] students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become [[an hero]].

== Attractions ==

'''Town Lake:''' Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've [[evar]] seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old [[hippies]] grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of [[AIDS]] within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

'''Barton Springs:''' A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

'''The Capitol:''' It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

'''The Mothership:''' The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of [[Indie]]-kids and [[homeless|artists]] who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

'''6th Street:''' Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of [[Ghost]] and a [[DO_NOT_WANT|regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks]], especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

'''The Warehouse District:''' Kind of like 6th Street, only with more [[AIDS]].

'''Downtown:''' Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - [https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/5-things-to-know-about-new-knife-laws-in-texas-9573461 both are now legal in Texas].

'''Lake [[No More Heroes|Travis]]:''' Yeah [[motherfucker]]! That is, if you're into [[lemonparty|lemonparties]] and amoebas that blind you.

'''Leslie Cochran:''' A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is <strike>[[W|AWOL]] mentally.</strike> [http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/us/austin-proud-of-eccentricity-loses-a-favorite.html?_r=0 DEAD]

'''[[Hippie]] Hollow:''' Where [[lemonparty|old naked men]] go when they're not on the [[internets]]. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

'''Mopac''' YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic [[rage]] goes.

'''SoCo''' Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

==Unattractions==
'''The University of Texas:''' The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a [[wigger]], the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than [[Harvard]] and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of [[niggers]], but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original [[Cho]], Charles Whitman.

'''Anderson High School:''' The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of [[lulz|segregation]]. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

'''[[Hitler|Cicero Institute]]''': founded by a tax-evading McMansion resident who has great contempt for [[homeless]] people and wants to [[Holocaust|gas them to death]].

'''Johnston High School:''' The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

'''SH 130:''' An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed [[Ass_Rape|97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again]] to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. [[The Man|TXDoT]] refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes (only for show, as this is 'Murica where lazy fatasses must drive their [[SUV|death machines]] and refuse to walk like the [[Europoor]]s they hate).

'''SH 45:''' See above. Same shit, different stroad.

'''Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County:''' Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to [[Dell]] Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and [[almost raped]] in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if [[Satan|Dell]] has just hired you for tech support.

'''East Austin:''' There are tribes in [[Africa|East Austin]] that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to [[Ban_fucking_everyone|"revitalize"]] the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

'''Montopolis:''' This is where most of the [[Wetback|Mexican Americans]] dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of [[San Antonio]]. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

'''Westlakkke:''' The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and [[wigger]] babies.

'''IH-35:''' The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the [[Europoor|superior]] passenger train proposed decades ago. Instead, the same terrorists from Shitheadistan who run the state highways insist on [[Obesity|widening the 8-lane highway]] that the city [[do not want|needs]] running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year in the name of MUH FREEDUMB! to die in a twisted fiery [[orgy]] with 10 other [[rape|consenting metal pods]].

'''North Lamar/Braker:''' This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking [[Starcraft|South Korean]] refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to [[Zerg Rush|get the fuck out]]? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

'''Stony Point High School:''' Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and [[spics|mexicans]] (though the same could be said about [[America|pretty much anything]]). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about [[pedophilia|10 years old]]), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for [[scene|retardedness]] and [[emo|general fuckery]]. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being [[fags|idiots]], these 9th graders bloom into flowers of [[Hot Topic|unyielding stupidity]] that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has [[queer|both nipples pierced]] and do not ask how I know this.

'''Westwood high school:''' Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

'''Crockett High School:''' Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be [[nigra|gangstas]] and [[Mexicans]]. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

'''McNeil High School:''' By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with [[nigger|niggers]] and [[jews|other degenerate pieces of filth]]. Run by a [[wimmins|strong and independent womyn]] and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total [[faggot|faggots]], so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

'''[[Tesla|Teslut]] factory''': where [[Elon Musk|Elton Musk]] has gay sex with his MAGA-ite fanboys in the back of a [[Clusterfuck|gadgetbahn]] and the libtards rage on [[Twitter]].

== The People ==
The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

* [[Hippies | Old Hippies]] / [[Yuppie | Techno-Hippies]] / [[Raver | Raver Hippies]] / [[Homeless | Crusty Hippies]].
* [[Hipsters]] can be spotted pretty much fucking everywhere (usually on those faggy, cunting scooters) except for Montopolis and Rundberg.
* [[Frat | College students]] can be seen stuffed into CrapMetro buses (they wouldn't be crap if the damn government spent more money on them instead of useless highway expansions!), [[Bukkake | guzzling]] [[Java | coffee]] at Starbucks while pretending to study (really: [[YouPorn]] and CuntBook), and holding up the line at [[7-11]] with their frequent [[Poverty | Pabst and Maruchan]] purchases.
* Although [[Homosexuality | The Gays]] keep their [[Perez Hilton | glory-holing]] restricted to West 4th St. they can be [[Fisted | spotted]] all over Austin.
* [[Stoner]]s also are everywhere in Austin alongside their somehow more degenerate K2 smokers.
* Militant [[atheists]] who never leave their basements.
* Vegans
* Fossil fuel lobbyists
* [[Spics | Spanish Americans]] (including, but not limited to: Cholos, Beaners, Wetbacks, Lawn Artists, Miggers, Paisas, Chili Chokers, and Border Bandits) who refuse to speak English or turn off their annoying loud music and all have the same fugly ass migrant hairstyle.
* [[Islam|Mudslime]] migrants from West [[Africa|Apefreakcum]]
* [[Niggers | Antique Farm Equipment]]
* [[Azns | Viet-Cong]]
* [[Conspiracy theorists]]

== Culture ==
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the [http://www.austinmusicnetwork.org Austin Music Network], the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that [http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512?utm_source=vicefbus Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg]. And [[spoiler|spoiler alert]], [http://www.vice.com/read/austin-was-built-to-be-segregated Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.]

== Famous Austinites ==
[[Image:Mcconaughey.jpg|thumb|Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.]]
[[Image:Lance-armstrong-bike.jpg|thumb|Lance Armstrong photographed by [[Drama | paparazzi]] on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.]]
[[Image:Leslie-austin-texas.jpg|thumb|Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.]]
[[Image:Michaeldell.jpg|thumb|"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"]]

=== In Showbiz ===
* '''[[Amouranth]]:''' [[OnlyFans]] slut
* '''Mike Judge:''' creator of [[Beavis and Butthead]], [[Hank Hill | King of the Hill]], ''Office Space'', ''Idiocracy'', ''Silicon Valley'' and a various other shit that [[Nobody cares | no one cares about]].
* '''Matthew McConaughey:''' Claims to be an [[Homosexual epithets | actor]] but is actually a rich [[stoner]] who lives his life in a purple haze of [[Stripper | titty bars]], private beaches and Taco Cabanas - only venturing back to [[Shit | The Real World]] often enough to hack out another romantic comedy, before picking up where he left off - living out every [[Breeder | straight]] man's fantasy. Failed 2022 gubernatorial candidate.
* '''Stevie Ray Vaughan:''' whose [[HA HA HA, OH WOW | helicopter-crash]] death pissed off the entire country because the original report of his death was mistakenly attributed to Phil Collins.
* '''O. Henry:''' Some fag poet who had a candy bar named after him.
* '''Sandra Bullock:''' who moved to Austin in search of the world's greatest taco supreme and to evade taxes. She can be spotted around town wearing a scarf and oversized sunglasses, going by "Casandra Bollocks" and [[Lurk | slinking]] around the upscale [[Spic | Mexican]] restaurants of west Austin.
* '''Kathy Valentine:''' bass guitarist for the [[Shit | Go-Go's]]. [[Internets#Rumors_on_the_Internets | Rumor has it]] she [[Lesbian | votes for bush]].
* '''Marcia [[Gay]] Harden'''
* '''Richard Linklater:''' wrote ''Dazed & Confused'', ''School of Rock'', and is personally responsible for the success of Jack Black's career.
* '''[[Alex Jones]]:''' [[Conspiracy Theory | conspiracy theorist]] known for such [http://www.infowars.com/ classics of American cinema] as ''[[Tinfoil hats | Police State 2000]]'', ''TerrorStorm'', [[Black Jesus | The Obama Deception]], and ''Underpants Gnomes: The Hidden Menace''.
* Two thirds of '''The Chixie Dicks'''.
* '''Janis Joplin:''' maintained by some to be the original [[wook]].
*'''Daniel Johnston:''' A singer-songwriter/[[McDonalds]] employee who rose to fame in the [[1980s]]. Being completely void of any real musical talent, Daniel was able to troll the ever living shit out of every talented, struggling musician in Austin by smoothtalking his way in to{{youtube|ICLXH8wdXhk|landing a live gig on MTV}} while they were in town covering Austin's local music scene; thus proving once again that the art of trolling is older than the internet itself. He went on to harness his magical powers of [[autism]] to take the local Austin music scene by storm, and it all came to a head after the dude from [[Fat Larry's Band|The Butthole Surfers]] introduced him to [[LSD]]. This turned out to be a horrible idea when his friends realized that he had been carrying on for years untreated for [[batshit insane|autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder]]. Left with no other options, Daniel had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air after frying all but two of his brain cells and eventually ended up being [[v&|invountarily commited to a mental hospital]] after [http://www.hihowareyou.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=1415.0 removing the keys to his father's two-man airplane and throwing them out the window while it was in the fucking air because he thought he was Casper The Friendly Ghost.] While committed, some faggot named [[Kurt Cobain]] started wearing his t-shirts everywhere and led to a major label bidding war over his music while he was busy licking windows in the mental hospital. Currently he lives in his parent's basement in bumfuck Texas and gets paid more money than you will make all year to play a fifteen minute set at an overpriced music festival filled with Millenials who have no idea who the creepy fat man on stage is. '''[[TL;DR]] just go torrent {{youtube|wJZOe65eA4Y|The Devil and Daniel Johnston}}.'''
* '''[[RebelTaxi]]''': a [[spic]] loli fan and the arch nemesis of [[TheMysteriousMrEnter|Enturd]]
* '''[[Ghost]]''': is a [[BlogTalkRadio]] radio host based in Austin. He is a former conservative/current capitalist who takes it up the pooper and is racist, despite denial

=== In Sports ===
* '''Lance Armstrong:''' a.k.a. "The One-Nut Wonder" - Professional [[Bike | bicycling]] champion, amateur [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/article489286.ece steroid] enthusiast, and [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html wife cheat-er on-er].
* '''Stone Cold Steve Austin:''' [[Retard | retired]] pro-[[Professional Wrestling|rassler]], chewing-tobacco enthusiast and [[Poetry | poet laureate]] of the mobile estate.
* '''Andy Rod[[dick]]:''' tennis player, Wimbledon loser, known as A-Rod to anyone who hates the Yankees.

=== In Politics ===
* '''Ann "Da Man" Richards:''' probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to [[The Governator | Ah-Nuld]]. She [http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/09/18/ivins.richards/index.html?iref=newssearch died] in 2006 of a [[Rage | rage]] stroke, probably pissed off at something her [[W | successor]] did.
* '''Leslie Cochran:''' [[homeless]] [[Trap | transvestite]] [[Fag | faggot]] and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for [http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A149293 mayor], having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called [[Lie | a man]], hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to [[Circle jerk | your house party]]. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of [[AIDS]] that, before killing you, turns you into a a [[homeless]] cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a [[Twilight | queer vampire]].
* '''[[Matt Dillahunty]]''': an obese militant [[atheist]] propagandist and a racist who hates [[Japan]] for hurting his snowflake feelings. He host the ''Atheist Experience'' propaganda show with his [[hipster]] colleague Seth Andrews in [[San Francisco]] thousands of kilometres away. The show consists mostly of them hating [[Japs]] and jerking off to fan art of their lord and saviour [[Christopher Hitchens]] sucking cocks in hell. Matt also served as state director for American [[Atheists]] until fellow fatass and closet [[Satanist]] Aron Ra replaced him.
* [[Lawyer|Andrew Seidel]] - same as Matt Dillahunty, except terminally on social media angrily raging about the very existence of religion and addicted to filing frivolous lawsuits against cemeteries that display crosses on graves.
* [[Fugly|David C. Wells]] - same as Andrew Seidel, except also obsessed with abortion.
* '''Kinky Friedman:''' Jewboy, retired [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/19/sunday/main788935_page2.shtml punk-rocker] (no [[lie]]!), and [[Fail | failed]] politician.
* It is rumored that '''The Anti-Christ''' will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
* '''John Henry Faulk:''' commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't [[Put shoe on head | put out]].
* '''[[Rick Perry]]:''' hard-line [[Christian | religious right]] asshole and current governor of [[Texas]]. Once suggested that [[Texas]] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html secceed] from the US, but then totally [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING | pussed out]].
* '''[[Hitler|Joe Lonsdale]]:''' Elton Musk-worshipling Silicon Valley billionaire and NIMBY who hates poor people even worse than his idol Musk does. Joe ran away to Austin for purely political reasons (and to evade taxes). He wants to brutally execute all homeless people in concentration camps, so he founded and runs the Cicero Institute, the anti-homeless Gestapo which pushes laws criminalising existing anywhere outside of a car or McMansion.
* '''Lady Byrd Johnson:''' former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction ''Nigger Head Mountain'' changed to ''Colored'' Mountain.
* '''[[Secret Squirrel | Alberto Gonzales]]:''' who gave [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | the country]] Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
* '''Norma McCorvey:''' a.k.a. '''Jane Roe''' of ''[[Abortion | Roe vs. Wade]]''. Long time supporter of [[Vagoo | pussy]] control. [[Women | Changed her mind]] in 1994.
* '''Madalyn Murray O'Hair:''' founded ''American [[Atheists]]'' and is now sucking Hitchens' cock in hell after Matt Dillahunty sent a hitman to assassinate her so he could become the new supreme leader of the [[cult|organisation]].
* '''[[Jerome McCollom]]''': He actually lives in [[Milwaukee]] but pretends to have visited Austin at one point just because he is a militant atheist troll who wants the entire nation to become a one-party [[democrat]] state where all religions are banned. Jerome would be right at home in [[North Korea]]!
* '''[[Elton John|Elton Musk]]''': the tax-evading grifter who fled [[Africa|Apefreakcum]] purely as a political attention whoring stunt.

=== In Shooting People ===
* '''Charles Whitman:''' the most [[Celebrity | famous]] Marine sniper after [[Conspiracy theory | Lee Harvey Oswald]]. Whitman shot [[Over 9000]] UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who [[lurk]] after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at <s>Le Fun</s> (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
* '''Doris Miller:''' WWII [[An hero | hero]] who shot down [[at least 100]] [[Jap|tojo]] planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

=== Miscellaneous ===
* '''[[Dell | Michael Dell]]:''' ex-frat [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 bro] turned [[Redundant | rich Jew]]. Best known for fucking [[over 9000 | over 7,000]] of his employees in 2001 by [[Animal abuse | firing them]] when there was no need to do so because some [[fag]] working in mid-level management told him to [[STFU | do so]], and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
* '''[[Because_of_my_syndrome | Lizzie Velasquez]]:''' because of her syndrome.
*[[Adalia Rose]]: While technically living in [[Suburbs|Round Rock]], the libfags of Austin always claim her as their own in an attempt to show how [[Gay|diverse and tolerant]] they are.

== Events ==
[[Image:Eeyoresbirthday.JPG | thumb | "...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."]]

=== South by Southwest ===
(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling [[Redundant | Jew-financed]] indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their [[Terrorism | Mecca]]. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same [[yuppies]] which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the ''Southpark'' episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further [[Jew gold]] from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 [[IPhone | iPhones]] cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

=== Eeyore's Birthday Party ===
Every April the city's fratboy and [[Hippy | hippie]] population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a [[Lies | fictional]] cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of [[Faggotry | freestyle frolicking]], napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter [[Fag | faggots]].

=== Austin Reggae Festival ===
Why go to [[Jamaica]] when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind [http://www.austinreggaefest.com/ "Bob Marley Fest"]. Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty [[Wook | wooks]] to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

=== Texas Relays ===
You can never truly appreciate the abject [[awesome|shittiness]] of [[niggers]] until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face [[Thats racist | allegations of racism]] should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. <s>Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town.</s> [http://austin.culturemap.com/news/city-life/05-14-18-highland-greenway-park-north-austin-redevelopment-acc/ Bought out by Austin Community College] since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes [[you]] wistful for the days of slavery.

=== ACL Fest ===
What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough [[shit]] bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

== Trolling Austinintes ==
* Three words: [[Rick Perry|Rick Motherfuckin' Perry]]
* Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
* Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city. Bonus points if that city is [[Nashville]] and you mention sexy blonde country girls live there.
* Remind them that [[Senator Barack Hussein Obama|Barack Obama]] is only half black person.
* Be anti-abortion
* Be pro-gun
* Insist that [[Portland]] is weirder than Austin.
* Ask if they care about any political issues other than the holy trinity of abortion, gun control, or the January 6th bullshit.
* Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from [[California]].
* Hint at having recently relocated from California.
* Vote Republican.
* Adhere to any religion that is not [[cringe|militant atheism]]
* Tell them Whole Foods Market [[sold out]] to [[The Man|corporate America]].
* Say ''any'' other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning [[Florida]], [[New York]], or especially [[Oklahoma]].
* Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
* Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
* Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
* Ask "What's so great about [[Texas]] anyway?" (note: this will generally spur [[bullshit|an unending lecture about Texas history]])
* Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
* Support building [[Communism|trains]] instead of [[Stupid|one moar highway lane, bro!]]
* Ask them if they've ever heard of [[traffic|induced demand]]
* Tell the [[spics]] to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
* Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/cycling/article4232249.ece dabbled] in anabolic steroids, before [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html whoring around] on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with [[Lulz | testicular cancer]] but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
* Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
* Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
* Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
* Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
* Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

== See Also ==
* [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Murka]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Dallas]]
* [[Fort Worth, TX | Ft. Worthless]]
* [[Houston]]
* [[San Antonio]]
* [[Waco]]
* [[Hippy]]
* [[Liberals]]
* [[School shooting]]
* [[Drugs]]
* [[Losers]]
* [[Operation SyPhyllis]]

== Links ==
* [http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Austin,+TX Map of Austin, TX]
* [http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html Pictures of the famous Austin drag queen hobo, Leslie]

{{Indie}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category: Locations]]

Austin

2026-06-05T15:58:59Z

Crow caw: /* In Politics */ fuck Jerome McCollom. He can go to hell!

[[Image:Congress.jpg|thumb|right| Austin is the capitol of [[Texas]], home to the [[Fag Enabler | University of Texas]] - the [[Unwarranted self importance | largest]] public university in [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Merica]]. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning [[Emos | live music]] scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.]]

'''Austin''' is the [[Hippy | hippie]] leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise [[redneck]] ballsack that is [[Texas]] and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as [[33mhz]], Molobolo, cupid Jungian and [[hardvice]], as well as several decent [[LJer]]s outside [[Dramacrat|Dramacratic]] circles.

While perhaps not as central to [[teh]] [[drama]] as, say, [[Seattle]] or [[Atlanta]], it's worth noting that, as the former home of [http://www.popsubculture.com/pop/bio_project/charles_whitman.html Charles Whitman], Austin is the birthplace of the [[School Shooting]], and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like [http://www.texasnaacp.org/jasper.htm Jasper] and [http://www.rickross.com/groups/waco.html Waco].

In 1966, [[Cho Seung Hui]] time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot [[at least 100]] students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become [[an hero]].

== Attractions ==

'''Town Lake:''' Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've [[evar]] seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old [[hippies]] grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of [[AIDS]] within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

'''Barton Springs:''' A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

'''The Capitol:''' It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

'''The Mothership:''' The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of [[Indie]]-kids and [[homeless|artists]] who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

'''6th Street:''' Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of [[Ghost]] and a [[DO_NOT_WANT|regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks]], especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

'''The Warehouse District:''' Kind of like 6th Street, only with more [[AIDS]].

'''Downtown:''' Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - [https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/5-things-to-know-about-new-knife-laws-in-texas-9573461 both are now legal in Texas].

'''Lake [[No More Heroes|Travis]]:''' Yeah [[motherfucker]]! That is, if you're into [[lemonparty|lemonparties]] and amoebas that blind you.

'''Leslie Cochran:''' A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is <strike>[[W|AWOL]] mentally.</strike> [http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/us/austin-proud-of-eccentricity-loses-a-favorite.html?_r=0 DEAD]

'''[[Hippie]] Hollow:''' Where [[lemonparty|old naked men]] go when they're not on the [[internets]]. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

'''Mopac''' YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic [[rage]] goes.

'''SoCo''' Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

==Unattractions==
'''The University of Texas:''' The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a [[wigger]], the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than [[Harvard]] and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of [[niggers]], but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original [[Cho]], Charles Whitman.

'''Anderson High School:''' The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of [[lulz|segregation]]. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

'''[[Hitler|Cicero Institute]]''': founded by a tax-evading McMansion resident who has great contempt for [[homeless]] people and wants to [[Holocaust|gas them to death]].

'''Johnston High School:''' The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

'''SH 130:''' An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed [[Ass_Rape|97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again]] to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. [[The Man|TXDoT]] refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes (only for show, as this is 'Murica where lazy fatasses must drive their [[SUV|death machines]] and refuse to walk like the [[Europoor]]s they hate).

'''SH 45:''' See above. Same shit, different stroad.

'''Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County:''' Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to [[Dell]] Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and [[almost raped]] in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if [[Satan|Dell]] has just hired you for tech support.

'''East Austin:''' There are tribes in [[Africa|East Austin]] that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to [[Ban_fucking_everyone|"revitalize"]] the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

'''Montopolis:''' This is where most of the [[Wetback|Mexican Americans]] dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of [[San Antonio]]. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

'''Westlakkke:''' The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and [[wigger]] babies.

'''IH-35:''' The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the [[Europoor|superior]] passenger train proposed decades ago. Instead, the same terrorists from Shitheadistan who run the state highways insist on [[Obesity|widening the 8-lane highway]] that the city [[do not want|needs]] running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year in the name of MUH FREEDUMB! to die in a twisted fiery [[orgy]] with 10 other [[rape|consenting metal pods]].

'''North Lamar/Braker:''' This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking [[Starcraft|South Korean]] refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to [[Zerg Rush|get the fuck out]]? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

'''Stony Point High School:''' Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and [[spics|mexicans]] (though the same could be said about [[America|pretty much anything]]). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about [[pedophilia|10 years old]]), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for [[scene|retardedness]] and [[emo|general fuckery]]. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being [[fags|idiots]], these 9th graders bloom into flowers of [[Hot Topic|unyielding stupidity]] that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has [[queer|both nipples pierced]] and do not ask how I know this.

'''Westwood high school:''' Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

'''Crockett High School:''' Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be [[nigra|gangstas]] and [[Mexicans]]. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

'''McNeil High School:''' By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with [[nigger|niggers]] and [[jews|other degenerate pieces of filth]]. Run by a [[wimmins|strong and independent womyn]] and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total [[faggot|faggots]], so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

'''[[Tesla|Teslut]] factory''': where [[Elon Musk|Elton Musk]] has gay sex with his MAGA-ite fanboys in the back of a [[Clusterfuck|gadgetbahn]] and the libtards rage on [[Twitter]].

== The People ==
The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

* [[Hippies | Old Hippies]] / [[Yuppie | Techno-Hippies]] / [[Raver | Raver Hippies]] / [[Homeless | Crusty Hippies]].
* [[Hipsters]] can be spotted pretty much fucking everywhere (usually on those faggy, cunting scooters) except for Montopolis and Rundberg.
* [[Frat | College students]] can be seen stuffed into CrapMetro buses (they wouldn't be crap if the damn government spent more money on them instead of useless highway expansions!), [[Bukkake | guzzling]] [[Java | coffee]] at Starbucks while pretending to study (really: [[YouPorn]] and CuntBook), and holding up the line at [[7-11]] with their frequent [[Poverty | Pabst and Maruchan]] purchases.
* Although [[Homosexuality | The Gays]] keep their [[Perez Hilton | glory-holing]] restricted to West 4th St. they can be [[Fisted | spotted]] all over Austin.
* [[Stoner]]s also are everywhere in Austin alongside their somehow more degenerate K2 smokers.
* Militant [[atheists]] who never leave their basements.
* Vegans
* Fossil fuel lobbyists
* [[Spics | Spanish Americans]] (including, but not limited to: Cholos, Beaners, Wetbacks, Lawn Artists, Miggers, Paisas, Chili Chokers, and Border Bandits)
* [[Niggers | Antique Farm Equipment]]
* [[Azns | Viet-Cong]]

== Culture ==
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the [http://www.austinmusicnetwork.org Austin Music Network], the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that [http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512?utm_source=vicefbus Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg]. And [[spoiler|spoiler alert]], [http://www.vice.com/read/austin-was-built-to-be-segregated Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.]

== Famous Austinites ==
[[Image:Mcconaughey.jpg|thumb|Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.]]
[[Image:Lance-armstrong-bike.jpg|thumb|Lance Armstrong photographed by [[Drama | paparazzi]] on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.]]
[[Image:Leslie-austin-texas.jpg|thumb|Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.]]
[[Image:Michaeldell.jpg|thumb|"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"]]

=== In Showbiz ===
* '''[[Amouranth]]:''' [[OnlyFans]] slut
* '''Mike Judge:''' creator of [[Beavis and Butthead]], [[Hank Hill | King of the Hill]], ''Office Space'', ''Idiocracy'', ''Silicon Valley'' and a various other shit that [[Nobody cares | no one cares about]].
* '''Matthew McConaughey:''' Claims to be an [[Homosexual epithets | actor]] but is actually a rich [[stoner]] who lives his life in a purple haze of [[Stripper | titty bars]], private beaches and Taco Cabanas - only venturing back to [[Shit | The Real World]] often enough to hack out another romantic comedy, before picking up where he left off - living out every [[Breeder | straight]] man's fantasy. Failed 2022 gubernatorial candidate.
* '''Stevie Ray Vaughan:''' whose [[HA HA HA, OH WOW | helicopter-crash]] death pissed off the entire country because the original report of his death was mistakenly attributed to Phil Collins.
* '''O. Henry:''' Some fag poet who had a candy bar named after him.
* '''Sandra Bullock:''' who moved to Austin in search of the world's greatest taco supreme and to evade taxes. She can be spotted around town wearing a scarf and oversized sunglasses, going by "Casandra Bollocks" and [[Lurk | slinking]] around the upscale [[Spic | Mexican]] restaurants of west Austin.
* '''Kathy Valentine:''' bass guitarist for the [[Shit | Go-Go's]]. [[Internets#Rumors_on_the_Internets | Rumor has it]] she [[Lesbian | votes for bush]].
* '''Marcia [[Gay]] Harden'''
* '''Richard Linklater:''' wrote ''Dazed & Confused'', ''School of Rock'', and is personally responsible for the success of Jack Black's career.
* '''[[Alex Jones]]:''' [[Conspiracy Theory | conspiracy theorist]] known for such [http://www.infowars.com/ classics of American cinema] as ''[[Tinfoil hats | Police State 2000]]'', ''TerrorStorm'', [[Black Jesus | The Obama Deception]], and ''Underpants Gnomes: The Hidden Menace''.
* Two thirds of '''The Chixie Dicks'''.
* '''Janis Joplin:''' maintained by some to be the original [[wook]].
*'''Daniel Johnston:''' A singer-songwriter/[[McDonalds]] employee who rose to fame in the [[1980s]]. Being completely void of any real musical talent, Daniel was able to troll the ever living shit out of every talented, struggling musician in Austin by smoothtalking his way in to{{youtube|ICLXH8wdXhk|landing a live gig on MTV}} while they were in town covering Austin's local music scene; thus proving once again that the art of trolling is older than the internet itself. He went on to harness his magical powers of [[autism]] to take the local Austin music scene by storm, and it all came to a head after the dude from [[Fat Larry's Band|The Butthole Surfers]] introduced him to [[LSD]]. This turned out to be a horrible idea when his friends realized that he had been carrying on for years untreated for [[batshit insane|autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder]]. Left with no other options, Daniel had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air after frying all but two of his brain cells and eventually ended up being [[v&|invountarily commited to a mental hospital]] after [http://www.hihowareyou.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=1415.0 removing the keys to his father's two-man airplane and throwing them out the window while it was in the fucking air because he thought he was Casper The Friendly Ghost.] While committed, some faggot named [[Kurt Cobain]] started wearing his t-shirts everywhere and led to a major label bidding war over his music while he was busy licking windows in the mental hospital. Currently he lives in his parent's basement in bumfuck Texas and gets paid more money than you will make all year to play a fifteen minute set at an overpriced music festival filled with Millenials who have no idea who the creepy fat man on stage is. '''[[TL;DR]] just go torrent {{youtube|wJZOe65eA4Y|The Devil and Daniel Johnston}}.'''
* '''[[RebelTaxi]]''': a [[spic]] loli fan and the arch nemesis of [[TheMysteriousMrEnter|Enturd]]
* '''[[Ghost]]''': is a [[BlogTalkRadio]] radio host based in Austin. He is a former conservative/current capitalist who takes it up the pooper and is racist, despite denial

=== In Sports ===
* '''Lance Armstrong:''' a.k.a. "The One-Nut Wonder" - Professional [[Bike | bicycling]] champion, amateur [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/article489286.ece steroid] enthusiast, and [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html wife cheat-er on-er].
* '''Stone Cold Steve Austin:''' [[Retard | retired]] pro-[[Professional Wrestling|rassler]], chewing-tobacco enthusiast and [[Poetry | poet laureate]] of the mobile estate.
* '''Andy Rod[[dick]]:''' tennis player, Wimbledon loser, known as A-Rod to anyone who hates the Yankees.

=== In Politics ===
* '''Ann "Da Man" Richards:''' probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to [[The Governator | Ah-Nuld]]. She [http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/09/18/ivins.richards/index.html?iref=newssearch died] in 2006 of a [[Rage | rage]] stroke, probably pissed off at something her [[W | successor]] did.
* '''Leslie Cochran:''' [[homeless]] [[Trap | transvestite]] [[Fag | faggot]] and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for [http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A149293 mayor], having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called [[Lie | a man]], hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to [[Circle jerk | your house party]]. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of [[AIDS]] that, before killing you, turns you into a a [[homeless]] cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a [[Twilight | queer vampire]].
* '''[[Matt Dillahunty]]''': an obese militant [[atheist]] propagandist and a racist who hates [[Japan]] for hurting his snowflake feelings. He host the ''Atheist Experience'' propaganda show with his [[hipster]] colleague Seth Andrews in [[San Francisco]] thousands of kilometres away. The show consists mostly of them hating [[Japs]] and jerking off to fan art of their lord and saviour [[Christopher Hitchens]] sucking cocks in hell. Matt also served as state director for American [[Atheists]] until fellow fatass and closet [[Satanist]] Aron Ra replaced him.
* [[Lawyer|Andrew Seidel]] - same as Matt Dillahunty, except terminally on social media angrily raging about the very existence of religion and addicted to filing frivolous lawsuits against cemeteries that display crosses on graves.
* [[Fugly|David C. Wells]] - same as Andrew Seidel, except also obsessed with abortion.
* '''Kinky Friedman:''' Jewboy, retired [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/19/sunday/main788935_page2.shtml punk-rocker] (no [[lie]]!), and [[Fail | failed]] politician.
* It is rumored that '''The Anti-Christ''' will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
* '''John Henry Faulk:''' commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't [[Put shoe on head | put out]].
* '''[[Rick Perry]]:''' hard-line [[Christian | religious right]] asshole and current governor of [[Texas]]. Once suggested that [[Texas]] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html secceed] from the US, but then totally [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING | pussed out]].
* '''[[Hitler|Joe Lonsdale]]:''' Elton Musk-worshipling Silicon Valley billionaire and NIMBY who hates poor people even worse than his idol Musk does. Joe ran away to Austin for purely political reasons (and to evade taxes). He wants to brutally execute all homeless people in concentration camps, so he founded and runs the Cicero Institute, the anti-homeless Gestapo which pushes laws criminalising existing anywhere outside of a car or McMansion.
* '''Lady Byrd Johnson:''' former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction ''Nigger Head Mountain'' changed to ''Colored'' Mountain.
* '''[[Secret Squirrel | Alberto Gonzales]]:''' who gave [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | the country]] Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
* '''Norma McCorvey:''' a.k.a. '''Jane Roe''' of ''[[Abortion | Roe vs. Wade]]''. Long time supporter of [[Vagoo | pussy]] control. [[Women | Changed her mind]] in 1994.
* '''Madalyn Murray O'Hair:''' founded ''American [[Atheists]]'' and is now sucking Hitchens' cock in hell after Matt Dillahunty sent a hitman to assassinate her so he could become the new supreme leader of the [[cult|organisation]].
* '''[[Jerome McCollom]]''': He actually lives in [[Milwaukee]] but pretends to have visited Austin at one point just because he is a militant atheist troll who wants the entire nation to become a one-party [[democrat]] state where all religions are banned. Jerome would be right at home in [[North Korea]]!
* '''[[Elton John|Elton Musk]]''': the tax-evading grifter who fled [[Africa|Apefreakcum]] purely as a political attention whoring stunt.

=== In Shooting People ===
* '''Charles Whitman:''' the most [[Celebrity | famous]] Marine sniper after [[Conspiracy theory | Lee Harvey Oswald]]. Whitman shot [[Over 9000]] UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who [[lurk]] after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at <s>Le Fun</s> (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
* '''Doris Miller:''' WWII [[An hero | hero]] who shot down [[at least 100]] [[Jap|tojo]] planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

=== Miscellaneous ===
* '''[[Dell | Michael Dell]]:''' ex-frat [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 bro] turned [[Redundant | rich Jew]]. Best known for fucking [[over 9000 | over 7,000]] of his employees in 2001 by [[Animal abuse | firing them]] when there was no need to do so because some [[fag]] working in mid-level management told him to [[STFU | do so]], and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
* '''[[Because_of_my_syndrome | Lizzie Velasquez]]:''' because of her syndrome.
*[[Adalia Rose]]: While technically living in [[Suburbs|Round Rock]], the libfags of Austin always claim her as their own in an attempt to show how [[Gay|diverse and tolerant]] they are.

== Events ==
[[Image:Eeyoresbirthday.JPG | thumb | "...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."]]

=== South by Southwest ===
(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling [[Redundant | Jew-financed]] indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their [[Terrorism | Mecca]]. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same [[yuppies]] which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the ''Southpark'' episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further [[Jew gold]] from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 [[IPhone | iPhones]] cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

=== Eeyore's Birthday Party ===
Every April the city's fratboy and [[Hippy | hippie]] population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a [[Lies | fictional]] cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of [[Faggotry | freestyle frolicking]], napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter [[Fag | faggots]].

=== Austin Reggae Festival ===
Why go to [[Jamaica]] when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind [http://www.austinreggaefest.com/ "Bob Marley Fest"]. Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty [[Wook | wooks]] to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

=== Texas Relays ===
You can never truly appreciate the abject [[awesome|shittiness]] of [[niggers]] until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face [[Thats racist | allegations of racism]] should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. <s>Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town.</s> [http://austin.culturemap.com/news/city-life/05-14-18-highland-greenway-park-north-austin-redevelopment-acc/ Bought out by Austin Community College] since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes [[you]] wistful for the days of slavery.

=== ACL Fest ===
What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough [[shit]] bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

== Trolling Austinintes ==
* Three words: [[Rick Perry|Rick Motherfuckin' Perry]]
* Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
* Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city. Bonus points if that city is [[Nashville]] and you mention sexy blonde country girls live there.
* Remind them that [[Senator Barack Hussein Obama|Barack Obama]] is only half black person.
* Be anti-abortion
* Be pro-gun
* Insist that [[Portland]] is weirder than Austin.
* Ask if they care about any political issues other than the holy trinity of abortion, gun control, or the January 6th bullshit.
* Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from [[California]].
* Hint at having recently relocated from California.
* Vote Republican.
* Adhere to any religion that is not [[cringe|militant atheism]]
* Tell them Whole Foods Market [[sold out]] to [[The Man|corporate America]].
* Say ''any'' other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning [[Florida]], [[New York]], or especially [[Oklahoma]].
* Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
* Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
* Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
* Ask "What's so great about [[Texas]] anyway?" (note: this will generally spur [[bullshit|an unending lecture about Texas history]])
* Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
* Support building [[Communism|trains]] instead of [[Stupid|one moar highway lane, bro!]]
* Ask them if they've ever heard of [[traffic|induced demand]]
* Tell the [[spics]] to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
* Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/cycling/article4232249.ece dabbled] in anabolic steroids, before [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html whoring around] on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with [[Lulz | testicular cancer]] but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
* Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
* Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
* Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
* Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
* Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

== See Also ==
* [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Murka]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Dallas]]
* [[Fort Worth, TX | Ft. Worthless]]
* [[Houston]]
* [[San Antonio]]
* [[Waco]]
* [[Hippy]]
* [[Liberals]]
* [[School shooting]]
* [[Drugs]]
* [[Losers]]
* [[Operation SyPhyllis]]

== Links ==
* [http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Austin,+TX Map of Austin, TX]
* [http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html Pictures of the famous Austin drag queen hobo, Leslie]

{{Indie}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category: Locations]]

Oral Roberts

2026-06-05T02:50:21Z

Crow caw: I hate Jerome McCollom.

'''Oral Roberts'''{{Christian}} [[dead|was]] a highly [[unwarranted self importance|influential]] and groundbreaking [[Christfag|televangelist]]. On December 15th, 2009, he was struck down by the wrath of [[Raptorjesus]] for his [[buttsecks|blasphemy]], Jew and [[h8|hatred]]. Nobody whose opinion even remotely counts gave half a shit about the whole affair, except to point out that he was a total [[douchebag|douchenozzle]]. Oral is the reason aging liberal militant atheist trolls like [[Jerome McCollom]] won't shut the hell up about Christianity despite hating it with a burning passion. McCollom is truly the [[Randal O'Toole]] of religion. McCollom is a lifelong Milwaukee resident pretending to live in El Paso and Shreveport just so he can troll the fuck out of the Oral supporters there.
[[Image:6a00d8341c691053ef00e54f8d5c158833-800wi.jpg|thumb|120px]]
==Childhood and Early Life==
[[Oral]] "Skullfuck" Roberts was the son of a [[sick fuck|Preacher]] and a [[beastiality|dairy cow]] living on a farm in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. He claims to be of Aboriginal descent, which if you think about it explains his overwhelming greed and alcoholism. The little fuck's parents were so poor that they took to pimping him out on the street as a [[prostitute|back-alley semen vacuum]] for booze money. Roberts described this as a formative experience for him, as it taught him to do [[buttsecks|painful]] and [[fellatio|humiliating]] things for money, which heavily infuenced his later religious work. As he grew older, his parents' crack habit exceeded whatever he was bringing home turning tricks at the truck stops, so they gave him to [[1guy1jar|sicker]] and [[BME|sicker]] Johns to maximize their earnings. When he was 17, one punter was so [[raep|rough]] with him that he was [[anal prolapse|nearly killed]] and had to be hospitalized. To cover up the shame of this experience, he claimed that it was just a bad case of [[aids|tuberculosis]].

After [[lie|graduating]] from high school, he went to college for two years, before [[fail|dropping out]]. He married a [[whore|preacher's daughter]], and their vile [[pedophile|priest]] roleplay inspired Robby to become a [[Arab|man of god]]. His first attempt at setting up a congregation consisted of him [[truth|screaming at 3000 people seated on folding chairs in a tent]]. Really this was just a clever ruse to cover up his frequent drug induced psychotic episodes, which was so successful that it became the coping mechanism of choice for [[sick_fuck|sick fucks]], weirdos, [[pedo|pedophiles]], [[rape|rapists]], [[drugs|drug addicts]], and Jews for the next fifty years.

==The Rise to Power and Perversity==
[[Image:Roberts as a young man.jpg|thumb|125px|Say what you will about the man, he has a world class pedosmile]]
His insane rantings were so hilarious to watch that network executives soon approached him about creating a comedy show. Unfortunately, the executives did not realize the fundamental truth of humanity; [[Stephen_Colbert|there are always fucks out there stupid enough to take this shit seriously]]. His show, originally titled "Blowjob Roberts One Hour of Happy Time, 15$" was a hit across many demographics, including stoned teenagers and [[aspie|retards in the south]]. Robby was still suffering from the psychotic delusion that he was doing God's work, and used all of the donations sent in to him from [[retard|retards]] to spread [[AIDS|God's Word]]. However, his Native American heritage would not be denied, and it grew more and more painful for him to just give up piles upon piles of money. Panicking, he turned to the Bible, opening it to a random page. He opened to Matthew 19:23;

''"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."''

but in his coked up state, with his [[Abo|Indian]] genes working overtime, he thought god was telling him to [[do it faggot]], and take all of the delicious Jew Gold for himself. Much relieved that he was finally being true to himself, he went out and bought a pimp mobile, and returned to the profession of his childhood, determined to finally be on the right side of the [[cock|penis]] and/or strapon this time. Of course being a fucking idiot, he [[fail|failed]] [[Ted_Haggard|many]], [[Larry_Craig|many]], times.

==Fame and Fortune==
[[Image:CityPlex Towers in Tulsa, Oklahoma.jpg|thumb|125px|Roberts' hospital, where he was told by god he would [[unrealistic_expectations|cure cancer]]. Now a CityPlex building.]]
[[Image:Oral roberts handjob monument.jpg|thumb|125px|Although best known for his [[fellatio|namesake talent]], Roberts had a deep and abiding respect for [[masturbation|manual release]].]]
After his [[I_Came|revelation]] he began preaching a new gospel, its tenants were that [[lie|God wants us to be as rich and greedy as Jews]], [[orgy|we should all crowd into big tents for revival meetings]], [[pedo|and faith healing by laying on of hands]]. Unknowingly, Skullfuck had discovered an incredible niche, telling people to do the things they wanted to do anyway, but telling them God wanted to do it, while simultaneous repressing their homosexuality by oppressing [[gay|gays]]. Rob was at the height of his life, he had discovered a way to make people think they were going to hell unless they gave him all of their money and crowded into big tents where he could [[raep|heal]] them and their children. By his own admission, he personally [[molest|laid hands]] on [[9000|more than 2 million]] people. Expanding upon his success, he even founded a university where he could train people to be more [[pedophilia|receptive to his sexual advances]]. Students were required to sign a document forbidding them from smoking, drinking, [[Bill_Clinton|doing drugs]], and engaging in premarital sex. This left all of the liquor, booze, and drugs, to him and ensured that he had a ready crop of horny and desperate co-eds to fuck. Years later, Skullfuck's shithead crotchspawn would continue their father's tradition of greed and perversion by misappropriating publicly donated university funds for obviously noneducational shit like remodeling their mansion 11 times in 14 years [http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5j9XJtq8scoszIFZLWUjrR8mPuBFQD8S38PR80], private sex tourism vacations to the Bahamas [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21156263/page/1/], a stable of horses for [[Mr. Hands|their own personal use]], and arranging so many [[gangbang|booty calls]] with [[shota|horny underage boys]] that Skullfuck's own granddaughter had to install deadbolts on her bedroom door (again, using university funds) for fear of [[raep|losing her virginity]] to the rampant overflow of [[rapist|frustrated and horny young men]] streaming out of her mom's sex dungeon[http://www.tulsaworld.com/webextra/content/2007/pdfs/orusuit.pdf] whenever the KY ran out.

Despite being perpetually high, the poverty-stricken Indian inside of Skullfuck was still sane enough to realize that his money train had to keep moving to keep up with the nonstop flow of drugs and booze. With the rampant purchases of drugs, [[gay|designer]] clothes, [[bling]], rape-vans, and [[Josef Fritzl|luxury homes with specially constructed rape-dungeons]] even a [[Auto-fellatio|masterful orator]] like Skullfuck was running out of excuse to justify his spending habits to a growing audience of mostly [[poor]] [[white trash]] who failed to realize that [[Common knowledge|giving away their money to a scamming druggie full of empty promises will not make them rich]]. Skullfuck himself was especially [[butthurt|sensitive]] to allegations of wealthy excesses, and took to hiring people to [[Swirl Face|photoshop]] out the numerous gold chains, rings, and watches which were now fused to his [[STD|syphilis-scarred body]] from various publications and photo ops[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/religion-obituaries/6827907/Oral-Roberts.html].

With more money came more and more powerful drugs, and Skullfuck began to loose what little touch with reality he had. He claimed a [[Raptor_Jesus|900 foot tall Jesus]], told him to build a hospital which would become a great financial success. This hospital allowed Oral even greater access to [[drugs|medical-grade pharmaceuticals]], as well as [[Nurse_kun|giving him an opportunity to explore his cripple fetish]]. This hospital became a miserable failure, and [[YHBT|Jesus lolled mightily at his greatest prank since convincing those 12 idiots he had died and risen again]]. Further controversy arose when his son claimed to have seen him raise a child from the dead. What his son didn't know is that he actually saw his father using CPR to revive a child that he had [[Goosh_Goosh|sexed too roughly]]. Facing financial disaster, Rob pioneered many popular cam-whoring techinques. In 1987, he performed the first "I'm so depressed, donations or I'll [[self_pwn|kill myself]]" scam, when he said that unless he raised [[Wishlist|8 million dollars]] god would "[[surprise_buttsecks|call him home]]".

==Downfall and Death==
[[Image:Oral-roberts-death.jpg‎|thumb|120px|Roberts nearing death. The creepy smile is due to a combination of heroin and the ministrations of a small boy offscreen]]
Finally convinced that he had had milked the lolcow dry, God decided it was time for the endgame. Even southern retards began to resent his [[hookers_and_blow|fiduciary misconduct]], and decided to find a new pervert to grope their children, as Robby was getting so old that it was creepy. Facing dropping revenues, Skullfuck decided to [[Deleting_your_LiveJournal|retire from religion]]. However, the all-cruel god was not done with him yet. First he struck down his [[whore|wife]] with pneumonia, and then killed his daughter in a plane crash. To finish off with a bang, he made Oral's son shoot himself in the face after being ordered by a court to undergo [[irony|drug-counseling]], as his son had been taking drugs for years to supress some of the horrible things he had seen his father do. Finally, God sent [[Pedobear]] down to harvest the old man's soul. As Pedobear descended through the ceiling, he saw Roberts, in nothing but a pair of yellow stained tighty whities, laying on a filthy, shit-stained mattress, shooting heroin into his penis, all his other veins having long ago collapsed. As Pedobear cradled Oral in his soft, furry arms, Roberts whispered his final words as the syringe slipped from his fingers. "[[I_did_it_for_the_lulz|I did it all for the lulz]]". The moral of this story is that [[truth|God is the greatest troll known to man]].

Here is Howard Stern telling the [[truth]] about him:
<youtube>1MTnhbdbM84</youtube>

==From the Mouth of the Devil Himself==
<center>
{{morphquote|mqtest3|background-color:white;|font-weight: bold;|I had to stop and go back in the crowd and raise the dead person so I could go ahead with the service.|he raises the dead, for a fee|Unless I raise $8 million by next March, God will call me home.|The phone lines are open.|Only one organ made to bring forth life—it's the male organ. It's not in lesbianism for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It's not in the male where the male organ goes into the part of the, of the body where the, the waste matter comes out of the body, the poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It's not to be put into the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman on the male organ! It is the male organ penetrating the vagina of the woman—the male and the female!...|H8r}}</center>

<youtube>61_rPgitFmc</youtube>

SERIOUS EDITOR'S NOTE
We hate [[TYT|the Old Jerks]], but at least they agree with us that Oral Roberts likes oral sex. Now I bet some of you were thinking, all that shit about bestiality and other faggotry gotta be made up right? After listening to Oral's own words on sex, especially with the parts about cows going at it, how it [[fellatio|TASTES GOOD]] and joking about being a gueerfag and trying to edit the tape, suddenly, it's all starting to make sense [[amiright]]? I wish I was making this shit up!!!
FRIVOLOUS EDITOR'S NOTE
Did you notice how much he sounds like Bill Cosby on crack?

Don't visit Tulsa unless you want to get beaten to death and flattened by the pigs with badges for the fake invented victimless "crime" known as "jaywalking". You're better off pissing off [[Mike Chitwood]] in [[Florida]].

==External Links==
*[http://cnview.com/on_line_resources/the_life_and_ministry_of_oral_roberts.htm An unflattering account of the fraud and greed of Oral Roberts, as told by his fellow Christians too!]

{{Christianity}}
{{Whores}}
[[Category:People|Roberts, Oral]]

User:Crow caw

2026-06-05T02:45:24Z

Crow caw:

{{Retard|Hurr Durr know the truth about Shitwood}}

couscous is a paedo!!! :D

I like eating couscous.

TCC Shitting Up ED

2026-06-04T12:58:59Z

Crow caw: fuck Shitwood

{{Inside}}
[[File:TCC.png|250px|right]]
If [[you]] have spent more than 5 minutes here on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], you might have noticed the influx of shitty low-effort articles, written by closeted future trannies, about unimportant mass shooters. This has caused an increase of more shitty articles, users, and posts to numerous factions of the site. These people usually come from TCC-centered communities, with some only associating the site with its articles about killers.

The '''True Crime Community''' ('''TCC''') is a community full of edgy teens who idolize mass/serial killers and [[Nazi|Florida sheriffs]] like Grady Judd and [[Mike Chitwood]] at the same time. They can typically be found on [[TikTok]] or [[Tumblr]], making Viggle.ai edits of perpetrators dancing next to text saying "-(their kill count)". Most mass shooters nowadays are TCC LARPers who do it just to get these edits. The [[High Score]] page has become the home for these filthy immigrants (not to be confused with the retarded [[spics]] who refuse to speak English), becoming so popular it rivals the article made about [[Chris Chan]]. This has exposed the site to a cancer that has only increased as the years pass, with numerous users joining to contribute. The idea of the High Score page can fall under [[Meepsheep's Law]], as it was originally meant to mock the perpetrators, but most recently has become a place for them to leave a lovingly made fan letter. This gravitation to Encyclopedia Dramatica comes from TCCfags and their need to get as much info on their favorite postal dude as possible, even if half the page is taken up with jokes about their penis.

'''''What are some markings to look for when studying these creatures?:'''''

*Continuous edits to one page that are just more shitfesto spergings

*[[Template:AlGore]] and [[Template:UserAlGore]] being applied to their pages and userpage - You being self-aware of your homosexuality doesn't make it better

*Unnecessary references in unrelated articles - "Wait, you're saying this guy drank [[Mountain Dew]]? OMG HE'S LIKE BRENTON TARRANT OMG HE DRANK THAT TOO"

__TOC__

==Notable Shitters==
{{Aspergers|plural=yes}}
{{LolCowHerd}}

Due to the amount of these pests, there have been a select few who stand out, because of their <s>lulzy</s> retarded actions. Here are the antics and faces of the people making these shitposts.

===William Atchison===
{{Main|William Atchison}}

[[File:William atchison ('AlGore').jpg|100px|thumb|left|What every shitter wishes to be.]]

'''William "Couch Cuck" Atchison''', or '''AlGore''' as he was known here on ED, was a former sysop turned postal failure. His time dwelling in his father's basement was spent making articles and edits about every fucking thing mass shooter-related.

He would then go on to kill two [[Mexican]] kids and injure a sofa before [[an hero|killing himself]]. The only thing we can give him credit for is that he actually went through with doing something.

{{clear}}
===Mudfucker===
{{Main|User:Saltnigga|Mudfucker}}

[[File:Nasty faggots.gif|100px|thumb|left|Mudfucker and Dink discussing mass shooter matters.]]

'''Mudfucker''' was a furfag gook editor of the site who loved [[Quicksand Fetish|sticking his cock in mud]] and masturbating to school shooters. He claimed to have [[lie|coined the term]] "[[Tarrantula]]", and made several articles about one-kill nobodies to satisfy his homosexual urges. He also had a tendency to stick to one unaccredited claim and just write about it to the point where it was more confusing than funny, such as claiming [[Nathaniel Veltman]] to be a tranny (and later a pedophile obsessed with 13-year-old girls) and claiming [[Gökmen Tanis]] to be a furry just for being Turkish (see: Turkish origin myth).

His time was cut short after it was revealed he was an underage retard who was groomed by trannies on [[Discord]] into jacking off to mud.

{{clear}}
===DinkDummy===
{{Main|User:DinkDummy|DinkDummy}}

[[File:DinkDummy2.png|100px|thumb|left|The faggot who shits up ED with [[over 9000]] mass shooter articles a day.]]

'''DinkDummy''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Juan Salvador Aguirre Rico''') is a [[sick fuck]] furfag spic with a diaper fetish who is somehow even less competent than Mudfucker. He constantly writes shitty ESL articles on one-injury literal whos without considering anything or doing any research, and every single one is just a Ctrl+C & V of the last one he shat out. Check any of his articles and you'll see him calling them famous for an attack that nobody cares about, and it will always start off with "he was a normal kid" or "he was a normal student", a loadout that's copied and pasted from other high score articles, a graded score where he just writes "FUCK FAIL", "FUCK YOU", or "Nazi Columbiner cringe fail", and mischaracterizing them as Columbiners or Tarrantulas when there's no evidence to suggest that. He is also a faggot gooner who brings his degeneracy with him, like a disgusting slug leaving its tracks. Dink has also {{Glowtext|talked about committing a shooting on ED multiple times and even helped a 14-year-old Malaysian [[SIEGE™ Mask|siege]]tard plot his future attack on stream.}}

On June 1, 2026, he said goodbye on his userpage, his last edit to date. We shall see how long his retirement lasts.

{{clear}}

===LardChick===
{{Main|Patryk Kornatowski}}

[[File:Patcigarfinger.png|100px|thumb|left|{{Greentext|>tfw your finger is the size of a sausage}}]]

Although he never showed his pride to the community on ED, '''LardChick''' (formerly '''TardChick''') ([[Powerword]]: '''Patryk Kornatowski''') is an obese pedophile with [[unwarranted self-importance]] who loves mass shooters as well. He's a member of the [[Columbine]] forums and even threatened to shoot up his special ed class if ED didn't stop trolling him.

He has since fucked off to continue being a Discord pedo.

{{clear}}

===Hansen130===
{{Main|User:Hansen130|Hansen130}}

'''Hansen130''' was, yet again, another pointless high score editor on this site. He trolled [[Siegepilled Zoomer]] and was later [[arrested|v&]] by the [[Polish]] police for being friends with and spreading the manifesto of [[Arda Küçükyetim]]. He also idolized [[AlGore]], lol.

==Dos and Don'ts==

If you still somehow have ignored every warning sign in this article as to why engaging in this is equal to [[buttsecks]], then here's the correct way to go about writing a crime-related article that is actually useful to the site.

'''''Does it have internet significance?''''' - Shooters like [[Randy Stair]], [[Brenton Tarrant]], and [[David Sonboly]] have importance to internet culture through memes and other means, so they have a place.

'''''Did they touch people's hearts?''''' - If they have [[Copycat killers|made many other autistic retards go postal]], it's a good indicator as to them needing an article.

'''''Did they actually get an epic pwn?''''' - Once again, nobody wants to read about a teenager who shoots two people and shits out a boring manifesto. It's nothing new at this point. If they somehow get to [[Anders Behring Breivik]]'s level or a bit lower is when they should be considered.

Even if applied, obsessing over dead teenagers is gay, and

<big><big><big>[[ED is not#ED is not Murderpedia or a True Crime Wiki|ED DOES NOT NEED MORE FUCKING TCC ARTICLES.]]</big></big></big>

If you so please to continue doing cum tributes to them, do it off site, it's a pain to clean.

==The Average Article==
{{Ib|[[File:Negroid.jpg|250px]]}}
{{Ibhead|<big>'''Beeg Choongus'''</big>}}
{{Ibrow|'''Born'''|April 21st 2026 (9 years old)}}
{{Ibrow|'''Nationality'''|[[American]]  [[File:MiniflagIndia.png]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''Gender'''|[[Men|Male]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''Occupation'''|Natural born killer}}
{{Ibrow|'''Kill Count'''|Killed none, injured a mouse}}
{{Ibrow|'''High Score?'''|no so idk why im even making this lol}}
{{Ibend}}
'''Beeg Choongus''' was your typical teenager who decided one day to go [[Over 9000]] and kill his classmates. He didn't kill a single person and was only able to shoot a desk. In his wake he left a manifesto that had him crying about how bad his life was, guys isn't that so crazy, please tell me this makes it qualify to have a page.

[[File:BuzzLightyearClones.gif|thumb|center|"I shot up a school with a weapon with a bunch of [[SNCA]] written on it in white paint."]]

{{Wanted|4}}
==See Also==
*[[Circle jerk]]
*[[Cole Allen]] - If you take a photo in the mirror you're apparently copying [[Natalie Rupnow]].
*[[Columbiners]]
*[[Feds]]

{{Faggotry}}
{{High Scores}}
{{Retardation}}
{{Articleexhibits}}
{{Timeline|Article of the now June 4 to June 6, [[2026]]|[[Wapanese]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[TBA]]}}

Mike Chitwood

2026-06-02T04:58:05Z

Crow caw: fuck the Tulsa pigs

{{Fed}}
[[File:Mike Chitwood bra pic.jpeg|220px|left]]
{{Elaw}}
'''Mike Chitwood''', a.k.a. '''Kike Shitwood'''{{Jew}}, is a former [[Florida]] sheriff turned full-time [[Internet police]] Gestapo man with a hate-boner for those [[4chan]] [[trolls]]. He is a notable [[snowflake]] who launches into violent hissy fits in response to any criticism of his retarded bullshit, all while hypocritically accusing his enemies of the same actions. Shitwood is a bully, a coward and a tyrant. All he knows how to do is insult and threaten people while [[attention whoring]] in the sensationalist local news media (looking at YOU, Fox 35 Orlando!). What separates him from most of the casuals is his intense sexual fetish for actually sending people who offend him to jail. Shitwood is basically a liberal version of the equally nasty blowhard [[Grady Judd]] and the creepy pervert [[Wayne Ivey]]. All Florida sheriffs are the modern Gestapo. Only the pigs with badges in [[Sylvester Stallone|Tulsa]] are arguably worse. At least Shitwood hasn't arrested and summarily executed anyone for the fake phony invented victimless "crime" known as [[bullshit|"jaywalking"]]. That's the only thing going for him.

==Chitwood declares war on 4chan==
[[File:GDL highway banner.jpeg|220px|left]]
Beginning in [[2023]], Mike Chitwood rose to e-prominence by targeting users of [[4chan]]. It all started when the [[Goyim Defense League]] trolled the Daytona International Speedway by hanging [[funny|antisemitic]] banners over it, causing Mike Chitwood to dis them, causing 4chan nazis to post about their fantasies to kill him (in Minecraft, of course), causing many of them to get arrested and extradited to Florida so they could ride down the escalator of shame at the Florida airport where Chitwood could greet them personally at the bottom because Chitwood likes to get the last laugh. In fact, you don’t even need to necessarily threaten Chitwood's life to get on his shitlist; people like [[Richard Golden]] only suggested somebody should kill Mike Chitwood (in a video game no less) and still got a year's worth of jail time. In an act of hypocrisy, Shitwood is trying to execute people who even criticise him. Ultimately, Mike Chitwood views it as essential to crush the First Amendment because it allegedly allowed shit like the [[Payton Gendron|Buffalo Supermarket Shooting]] to happen. Shitwood supports amnesty for [[illegal aliens]], all because he gets even richer locking them up. He voted for [[Kamala]] in 2024.

==Chitwood goes after the kids==

[[File:Minecraft don’t go to school meme.jpeg|thumb|left|Post this and the [[consequences will never be the same]].]]
Sometime in 2018, Chitwood began arresting and perp-walking kids for posting [[school shooting]] threats online. The department also made sure to release their face [[dox]]es and [[powerword]]s as a form of punishment through public humiliation via their “Naming and Shaming” policy; forever screwing up their future prospects just for sharing [[edgy]] [[memes]] online or having a dark and sordid sense of humor. This caused much butthurt among [[free speech]] advocates and [[libertarians]], although "tough on crime" extremists like Shitwood and his bootlickers view these extreme tactics as somehow normal because fuck [[pussies|human rights]].

Since Shitwood and company gleefully released these kids' information to the public, we might as well cover some of them with their mugshots to boot as certificates of their badassery:

:''see also: [[High Score#Absolute Fucking Failures]]''
[[File:Carlo Dorelli mugshot.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Carlo "Kingston" Dorelli''' (11), Creekside Middle School
Jokingly showed off his arsenal of air soft guns, knives, swords and a hit list to his classmates through FaceTime calls, leading to his arrest on Sept. 16, 2024. Ironically, it was another 11-year-old boy that ratted him out who was involved in similar activities. Fucking snitches.
<center><youtube>HDAMPJVkZek</youtube></center>
[[File:Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance''' (17 & 16), T. Dewitt Taylor Middle-High
Shortly after their school broadcasted an announcement warning students that all threats would be taken seriously (too seriously if you ask me) and could lead to arrest, Trinity posted a picture of her school laptop on [[Snapchat]] captioned with “Imma shoot up the school”, Brayden commented “Same”, then they were both arrested on Sep. 18, 2024.

Perp walk video: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=505488772279311&vanity=sheriffchitwood&http_ref=eyJ0cyI6MTc2OTAzNjYxOTAwMCwiciI6Imh0dHBzOlwvXC93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbVwvIn0%3D
[[File:Kamden Taylor BUSTED.jpeg|thumb|Criminal scum right where he belongs.|250px]]
*'''Kamden Taylor''' (13), Riverview Learning Center
Arrested TWICE. Once on Sept. 27, 2024, for making a threat against somebody through his [[PlayStation]] and again in Feb. 6, 2025, because the AI overlords detected something he wrote on his school computer.
<center><youtube>9QVLCVeHbzg</youtube></center>

Hopefully, this gives you an idea of how absolutely minute some of these kids' offenses were and how Orwellian the justice response to it is.

And here's the rest of them:
<center><youtube>Qmzf9nQZNEU</youtube></center>

===Onideus Mad Hatter Saves The Kids===
Some time in 2025, the ever-prevalent [[lolcow]], [[Onideus Mad Hatter]], came to prominence once again after sending a death threat (if we are to use the word “threat” loosely) to Mike Chitwood and getting the whole escalator of shame treatment as a result of it. Apparently Mr. Onideus had the balls to criticise Shitwood's violent abuse of these children at taxpayer expense because their mugshots were being sourced into the paedo Wayne Ivey's [[AI art|AI-generated child pornography]] or something like that.

==Gallery of Shitwood's hypocrisy==
<center><gallery>
File:Richard Golden coming out.jpeg
File:Mike Chitwood 4chan meme.png
File:Richard Golden soyjak.png
File:Chitwood Merchandise.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 1.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 2.png
</gallery></center>

==See Also==
*[[Joe Lieberman]] - a politician arguably even more Jewey and anti-lulz than Chitwood is. He wants you arrested just for being [[Goth]] or playing [[DOOM]]. The good news is Lie-burman is burning in hell where he belongs.
*[[Grady Judd]] - an even more violent version of Shitwood with an even bigger ego and equally obnoxious cult of personality known for stupid cringe propaganda videos. The only difference is Judd targets [[niggers]] and [[spics]].
*[[Onideus Mad Hatter]] - One of his victims.
*[[Richard Golden]] - Another one of his victims.
*[[Houston]] - Home of many Shitwood copycats, from John Whitmire (aka Shitfire) to David Fleischer (who is also a paedo).
*[[Mahathir bin Mohamad]] - [[muzzie]] version of Shitwood
*[[The Simpsons]] - Where Shitwood belongs
*[[VPN]] - So Shitwood and his fellow surveillance state actors cannot monitor you searching up [[pr0ns]] as easily.

==External Links so you can troll the fucker==
*{{Facebook|sheriffchitwood|His Facebook}}
*{{Twitter|SheriffChitwood|His Twitter}}
*{{Instagram|sheriffchitwood|His Instagram}}

{{portals|chans|trolls}}
{{Cancer}}
{{Childabuseseries}}
{{Columbine}}
{{jewseries}}
{{Politics}}
{{serious Business}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category: attention whores]]

NotJustBikes

2026-06-02T04:55:26Z

Crow caw: /* Things he's stolen from other activists */

{{Racecleanup}}
{{lolcow}}
{{morphquote|quotes|background:white;width:100%;height:100%;|font-weight:bold
|If you are one of those whiners, upset by my angry tone, good news! Thousands of hours, of content, are uploaded, to YouTube, every single minute. So, GO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE, AND FUCK OFF!|NJB's '' "The Dumbest Excuse for Bad Cities"''
|Keep your stupid fucking Americunt trucks OUT of my perfect utopia known as Europe!|NJB's latest propaganda screed
|People should give up, on North America, though. This is not doomerism, it's reality. If you have hope, for North America, you've come to the wrong channel. My content is, only, intended for people with the money, and means, to, permanently, relocate, from the US or Canada to somewhere in Europe. This is why I block my critics, rather than engage. My loyal fans will, gladly, defend me, against criticism, too.|NJB's [[Bluesky]] post directed at his critics in September 2023
|So? Nobody gives a fuck, if the US has some bike tunnels. The US is complete shit. All bike infrastructure, in the US, is a fucking joke. Minneapolis bike tunnels, can go fuck themselves, and you. You fucking Merikkkahn piece of shit. As an American, who lives in Europe, all of Europe is, literally, perfect. We have real bike tunnels, and, no mass shootings. If you still live in the US, fucking kill yourself, too.|Typical comment from an NJB fanboy directed at someone who disagrees with their master}}
{{Infobox person
|image = Idiot grifter scumbag.jpg
|powerword = Jason Slaughter
|occupation = [[YouTube]] ranter, writer, scam artist, male prostitute, propagandist
|gender = self-described "Cisgendered Male"
|years active = 2017-present
|nationality = [[Canadian]] cosplaying as a [[Dutchland|Dutchie]]
|website = [https://www.notjustbikes.com official propaganda site] [https://www.youtube.com/user/NotJustBikes JewTube channel]}}
'''NotJustBikes''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Jason Slaughter''') is an 80-year-old [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] billionaire [[Elon Musk|grifter]] with severe anger issues who became a refugee in [[Pervert|Amsterdam]] because he is a [[USI|selfish entitled scumbag]] and hates [[Toronto|the fake London]] with a burning passion. He is the ultimate cynical [[doomer]] and will quickly block you if you disagree with his hatred for North American public transport. As expected, NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. NJB fans are about as obnoxious and immature as [[MrEnter]] fans and the insane bootlickers of the equally deranged tyrant named [[Mike Chitwood]].

==History==
NotJustBikes was born in the fake London to a rich family. He inherited billions and used the money to travel around the world on sex tourism trips. He married a 30-year-old stripper at age 70. In 2017, NJB started making anti-Murican propaganda videos.

==Criminal record==
In March 2018, NJB became inspired by [[Dr. Phil|Mike Chitwood]] (who looks like an even more retarded version of Dr. Phil) to shoot up Toronto city hall. However, because [[Trudeau]] hates gunz and freedumb, NJB was forced to settle for angrily cursing out the councillors and then going on a stabbing rampage. Before security could remove him from the building, NJB had already bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. He became stateless in 2019 and then fraudulently obtained Dutch citizenship in 2023. The [[Geert Wilders]] regime hates the woke faggot Truedolt and therefore refuses to extradite NJB to Canaduh. Not even the Donald Trump regime with its love of mass incarceration wants to extradite and imprison NJB in an [[hell|Americunt federal prison]].

==Personality==
NJB has severe anger issues. Criticism or disagreement with him or his fanbase is not allowed. NJB and his fanboys falsely assume all of North America is a lost cause and will forever be one giant carbon copy of Houston. Their ignorant generalising of entire continents places polar opposite cities such as Phoenix and NYC in the same categories. In true [[internet tough guy]] fashion, NJB will pull a bait and switch whenever his lies are refuted. He even hates his own fans and will only respond to his fellow rich people who pay premium on [[Patreon]] to message him. NJB is a frequent user of [[Bluesky]]. NJB is a [[socialist]] despite being one of the wealthiest people alive. He is extremely selfish and uncharitable.

Unfortunately, since NJB is a grifter and master manipulator, he successfully lied and cheated his way to 15 million YouTube subscribers and millions of views on each of his propaganda videos. He acts like he's the pimp of the urban planning community and decides who deserves to be forgiven for their past misdeeds. Because [[JewTube]] and its stupid "algorithm" bullshit since 2019 has been rigged and biased in favour of whatever clickbait is designed to provoke outrage and fear, NJB has become the most popular and famous urban planning internet personality. Due to his love of censorship, NJB has never received any penalties for his lies and violations of the "misinformation" rule. Not even his video mindlessly bashing [[Houston]] and generalising all of North America as a carbon copy of Houston was flagged and taken down like it deserves. Meanwhile, the still-negative but lightyears better video by [[Philadelphia|Alan Fisher]] criticising [[Denver]] was taken down after being reported by NJB fanboy and angry Denver suburbanite Jason Spelts. NJB even blocked and sent death threats to fellow pro-censorship leftist [[Albuquerque|CityNerd]] because CityNerd hates Dallas with a burning passion but likes Houston for some obscure reason.

==Bigotry==
NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. He is also a ravaging anti-Semite who hates [[Jooz]]. He permanently cut off all contact with his lesbian daughter because she re-settled in [[NYC|New Amsterdam]] (instead of the old Amsterdam) and married a Jewish [[Ausfag]] girl. NJB started a whole subreddit named r/fuckcars which has an admirable goal of criticising [[cancer|car culture]], but in practice is just an endless circle [[Randal O'Toole|jerk off in a jitney]] of repeating the same old liberal propaganda about North America being supposedly doomed.

NJB is close allies with neo-nazi supporter [[Hungary|Adam Something]] (aka Azov Nothing), a fake Marxist with similar extreme anger issues, hatred of MuRiCa, a sexual fetish for "[[gypsy|Roma People]]", and censoring of any disagreement. As expected, both NJB and Azov Nothing are [[Vaush]] fanboys and accepted as members of the [[BreadTube]] cult. Other BreadTube commies who have promoted NJB propaganda videos include [[Hbomberguy]], [[BLM|Legal Eagle]], and [[Philosophy Tube]].

Other YouTube channels that have completely sold out (such as [[AVGN]]) are NJB fanboys.

NJB hates poor people. Are you really surprised?

==Things he's stolen from other activists==
*The Breezewood meme, which first went viral in 2008, long before NJB infected the internet.
*The term "stroad" from StrongTowns, which started in 1985.
*Generalising and stereotyping.
*Fear of crime from every news media source
*Censorship
*Jerking off in a jitney, fugly appearance and anger issues from [[Randal O'Toole]]
*STDs
*Virginity of blonde chicks from [[Faux News]]
*Cynical doomerism
*Looking retarded from every [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]
*E-begging
*Contempt for freedom of speech from [[Mike Chitwood]] and the [[SPLC]]
*Idolising [[Europe]] from [[ATTN:]]
*Vicious hatred for anything Murican from [[Reddit]]
*Obsession with transgenderism
*Obsession with [[negroes]] (though he hates them) from [[MSNBC]]
*Severe anger issues from [[The Young Turks]]
*The term "painted bike gutter" from Oh the Urbanity!
*Recognising that the fire department are just cops in different coloured trucks from [[GTA 5]]
*"[[In Minecraft]]" from [[South Park]]

==How to piss off NotJustBikes and his equally obnoxious fanbase==
*Remind them New York City exists and has good transit.
*Suggest [[truth|North America is not hopeless, and in fact is changing for the better]].
*Tell them to tone down the anger.
*Say Houston (though that city sucks too) is the best city ever.
*Call him a [[nazi|nationalist]].
*Tell any success story from North America or mention anything good happening there.
*Be even remotely positive or optimistic.
*Share links to videos by CityNerd or Alan Fisher.
*Suggest that the Netherlands is not a perfect country.
*Ask him, like, why, he uses, like, so many, unnecessary, commas, and, why, he, like, says, like, too, like, fucking, like, much, too.
*Tell him to act his age (83) instead of like a bratty teen girl.
*Be [[Jewish]] or [[Indian]].
*Be less wealthy than him.
*Remind him that [[fact|97% of people will never ever have the money or opportunity to move across an ocean and it's much much harder to make such a move than he suggests it is]].
*Ask him or his fanboys if they care at all about future generations.
*Tell him he displays the same characteristics as the [[MAGA]]ites he hates: older than 60, uneducated, white, lives in a bubble, paranoid, easily angered, insists on [[Burger King|having everything his way]] even when he knows he's objectively wrong, [[USI|thinks he's always right about everything]].
*Politely ask him not to interrupt you while you're trying to speak.
*Ask him how he became a refugee in a foreign country so easily and quickly.
*Ask him if his new passport is fake.
*Ask him how much he paid in bribes to become a Dutch citizen in less than 2 years.
*Tell him it's ignorant to generalise and stereotype.
*Use public transit in North America.
*Send him photos of missing middle housing in North America. Bonus points if the neighbourhood pictured is walkable.
*Tell the truth that cynical doomers are just as harmful to urbanist causes as car-addicted suburbanites have been.
*Compare him to [[Randal O'Toole]]
*Tell him that avoiding debates and blocking instead of engaging with critics makes you a coward.
*Tell him money can't buy happiness and there's more to life than money. Better yet, say that he wouldn't be angry 24/7 if money could buy happiness.
*Suggest that he see a therapist.
*Suggest that the real problem at hand is that NJB and his fanboys are brainwashed by sensationalist news media and live isolated in a bubble, and if they left their basements regularly they would see that North American is more than just a carbon copy of Houston.
*Ask him how he became a billionaire (hint: it wasn't through "hard work").
*Live anywhere west of the prime meridian.
*Remind him that Amsterdam was car-dependent at one point. Be advised, NJB and his fanboy army will certainly respond with the butthurt "but the US is worse!" argument.
*Ask him to cite sources.
*Show him any video by Oh the Urbanity!
*Show him this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqNiPVO5mAE
*Tell him his channel logo is lazily designed.
*Suggest that the solution to building passenger rail in North America is bipartisan support, not the "us vs. them" mentality.
*Call his gay lover Adam Something a nazi.
*Ask him how much he pays in taxes.
*Speak the truth that you are a coward if you decide to run away across an ocean instead of staying and fighting. Even better, state that people who want change have the obligation to stay and fight, and that running away makes the fight harder for everyone who doesn't have the option to leave.
*Ask where he got his plastic surgery.
*Ask him where he convinced RMTransit to get weight loss surgery.
*Ask him why he brainwashed RMTransit into hating American light rail and showing off about how perfect his life is.
*Tell him he has privilege.
*Point out that for a non-American who hates MuRiCa with a burning passion, NJB sure exemplifies the American cultural values of anger, aggression, the "fuck you, got mine" mentality, and love of [[tranny|gender confusion]].
*Point out that selfsihly putting his own personal desires first at the expense of everyone else in North America by running away across an ocean like a coward was an act of rugged individualism.
*Call him a racist.
*Call him a [[hypocrite]].
*Ask him if he smokes weed.
*Ask him if he plays [[Minecraft]].
*Ask him how many women he's had sex with.
*Tell him he sounds similar to [[Tucker Carlson]].
*Invite him to a debate.
*Remind him that even the similarly nasty and arrogant [[Randal O'Toole]] is not afraid to debate his enemies.
*Say [[Elon Musk]] (though he's also an idiot and a grifter) is the best innovator.
*Ask him what type of home he lives in (hint: it's a single-family detached McMansion).
*Ask him how he got from Toronto to Amsterdam (hint: he flew in a private jet).
*Disagree with him or his fanboys.
*Tag him on social media.
*Ask him if he's really actually too busy to take messages or just hates peasants.
*Ask him what he's done to help the oppressed [[negroes]], [[gays]], [[trannies]], "mass shooting" victims and abortion seekers he pretends to care about when discussing how terrible the USA is.
*Ask him why he talks so damn slow.
*Ask him if there's anything he likes about North America.
*Report his stupid propaganda videos for misinformation.
*Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
*Call him smug, arrogant or narcissistic.
*Show him photos of urban freeways in Amsterdam (they exist).
*Tell him [[Vancouver]] has the best local police department of any city in the world.
*Point out the truth that even if every North American city were to become like Amsterdam overnight, NJB and his equally obnoxious fanbase would still hate North America and continue to find things to rage about.
*Call him selfish, impatient or entitled.
*Say capitalism is better than socialism.
*Ask him if he voted for Geert Wilders.
*Imitate the calls of Canada geese.
*Fact check any of his lies.
*Speak the truth that large, low-density suburbs, cities and countries such as the USA and Canada are still capable of supporting public transit, bike lanes, walkable areas, and passenger rail.
*Remind him that the "jaywalking" is legal even in parts of the USA (such as NYC), while some non-American cities have laws against it too (such as Singapore).
*Ask him if he's ever donated to charitable causes.
*Ask him if he's had a heart attack or stroke yet.
*Use the abbreviation NJB and the fanboys will call you a nazi just because of one obscure gay nazi who murdered a Jewish talk show host and raped his corpse. Apparently, disagreeing with NJB makes you the new Hitler. Ironic considering NJB is a ravaging anti-Semite.
*Introduce them to people who live in small US college towns full time (there are millions).
*Remind them that countries outside North America have a housing crisis too.
*Ask him if a terminally angry CCP supporter from SoCal named ScramJett watches his videos.
*Ask him if a terminally angry Reddit addict from Germany named Systematicvisionary watches his videos.
*Show him photos of small US college towns that have cycling infrastructure and modeshare levels on par with Amsterdam, such as Greenville, SC (though Bob Jones University also sucks) and Davis, CA.
*Tell him to do better research for his propaganda videos.
*Ask him what real Dutch people think of his videos (spoiler alert: they hate him and want to deport his ass to Canada).
*Ask him if he got any STDs from decades of wild sex parties before he married a 30-year-old stripper.
*Tell him [[Tokyo]] has better public transport than Amsterdam.
*Tell him [[Belgium]] is a superior country to the Netherlands.
*Bring up the subject of income inequality.
*Create alt accounts to bypass the cowardly blocks he imposes to censor his critics.
*Ask him what he has done to help improve North American cities.
*Tell him he looks like the [[Hobo with a Shotgun]]
*Show them this article

== See Also ==

* [http://www.youtube.com/@NotJustBikes the propaganda source itself]
* [[Vaush]]
* [[Destiny]]
* [[Bluesky]]
* [[TheMysteriousMrEnter]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]

[[Category:People]]
{{Canada}}
{{sj}}
{{YouTube Ranters}}
{{ytseries}}
{{enemy}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 24th & 25th, [[2014]]|[[MrEnter]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[James Foley]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article May 15 and 16, [[2024]]|[[VidLii]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Battle For Dream Island]]}}
[[Category:People|Slaughter, Jason]]
[[Category:Crackers]]

NotJustBikes

2026-06-02T04:53:25Z

Crow caw: /* How to piss off NotJustBikes and his equally obnoxious fanbase */

{{Racecleanup}}
{{lolcow}}
{{morphquote|quotes|background:white;width:100%;height:100%;|font-weight:bold
|If you are one of those whiners, upset by my angry tone, good news! Thousands of hours, of content, are uploaded, to YouTube, every single minute. So, GO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE, AND FUCK OFF!|NJB's '' "The Dumbest Excuse for Bad Cities"''
|Keep your stupid fucking Americunt trucks OUT of my perfect utopia known as Europe!|NJB's latest propaganda screed
|People should give up, on North America, though. This is not doomerism, it's reality. If you have hope, for North America, you've come to the wrong channel. My content is, only, intended for people with the money, and means, to, permanently, relocate, from the US or Canada to somewhere in Europe. This is why I block my critics, rather than engage. My loyal fans will, gladly, defend me, against criticism, too.|NJB's [[Bluesky]] post directed at his critics in September 2023
|So? Nobody gives a fuck, if the US has some bike tunnels. The US is complete shit. All bike infrastructure, in the US, is a fucking joke. Minneapolis bike tunnels, can go fuck themselves, and you. You fucking Merikkkahn piece of shit. As an American, who lives in Europe, all of Europe is, literally, perfect. We have real bike tunnels, and, no mass shootings. If you still live in the US, fucking kill yourself, too.|Typical comment from an NJB fanboy directed at someone who disagrees with their master}}
{{Infobox person
|image = Idiot grifter scumbag.jpg
|powerword = Jason Slaughter
|occupation = [[YouTube]] ranter, writer, scam artist, male prostitute, propagandist
|gender = self-described "Cisgendered Male"
|years active = 2017-present
|nationality = [[Canadian]] cosplaying as a [[Dutchland|Dutchie]]
|website = [https://www.notjustbikes.com official propaganda site] [https://www.youtube.com/user/NotJustBikes JewTube channel]}}
'''NotJustBikes''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Jason Slaughter''') is an 80-year-old [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] billionaire [[Elon Musk|grifter]] with severe anger issues who became a refugee in [[Pervert|Amsterdam]] because he is a [[USI|selfish entitled scumbag]] and hates [[Toronto|the fake London]] with a burning passion. He is the ultimate cynical [[doomer]] and will quickly block you if you disagree with his hatred for North American public transport. As expected, NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. NJB fans are about as obnoxious and immature as [[MrEnter]] fans and the insane bootlickers of the equally deranged tyrant named [[Mike Chitwood]].

==History==
NotJustBikes was born in the fake London to a rich family. He inherited billions and used the money to travel around the world on sex tourism trips. He married a 30-year-old stripper at age 70. In 2017, NJB started making anti-Murican propaganda videos.

==Criminal record==
In March 2018, NJB became inspired by [[Dr. Phil|Mike Chitwood]] (who looks like an even more retarded version of Dr. Phil) to shoot up Toronto city hall. However, because [[Trudeau]] hates gunz and freedumb, NJB was forced to settle for angrily cursing out the councillors and then going on a stabbing rampage. Before security could remove him from the building, NJB had already bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. He became stateless in 2019 and then fraudulently obtained Dutch citizenship in 2023. The [[Geert Wilders]] regime hates the woke faggot Truedolt and therefore refuses to extradite NJB to Canaduh. Not even the Donald Trump regime with its love of mass incarceration wants to extradite and imprison NJB in an [[hell|Americunt federal prison]].

==Personality==
NJB has severe anger issues. Criticism or disagreement with him or his fanbase is not allowed. NJB and his fanboys falsely assume all of North America is a lost cause and will forever be one giant carbon copy of Houston. Their ignorant generalising of entire continents places polar opposite cities such as Phoenix and NYC in the same categories. In true [[internet tough guy]] fashion, NJB will pull a bait and switch whenever his lies are refuted. He even hates his own fans and will only respond to his fellow rich people who pay premium on [[Patreon]] to message him. NJB is a frequent user of [[Bluesky]]. NJB is a [[socialist]] despite being one of the wealthiest people alive. He is extremely selfish and uncharitable.

Unfortunately, since NJB is a grifter and master manipulator, he successfully lied and cheated his way to 15 million YouTube subscribers and millions of views on each of his propaganda videos. He acts like he's the pimp of the urban planning community and decides who deserves to be forgiven for their past misdeeds. Because [[JewTube]] and its stupid "algorithm" bullshit since 2019 has been rigged and biased in favour of whatever clickbait is designed to provoke outrage and fear, NJB has become the most popular and famous urban planning internet personality. Due to his love of censorship, NJB has never received any penalties for his lies and violations of the "misinformation" rule. Not even his video mindlessly bashing [[Houston]] and generalising all of North America as a carbon copy of Houston was flagged and taken down like it deserves. Meanwhile, the still-negative but lightyears better video by [[Philadelphia|Alan Fisher]] criticising [[Denver]] was taken down after being reported by NJB fanboy and angry Denver suburbanite Jason Spelts. NJB even blocked and sent death threats to fellow pro-censorship leftist [[Albuquerque|CityNerd]] because CityNerd hates Dallas with a burning passion but likes Houston for some obscure reason.

==Bigotry==
NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. He is also a ravaging anti-Semite who hates [[Jooz]]. He permanently cut off all contact with his lesbian daughter because she re-settled in [[NYC|New Amsterdam]] (instead of the old Amsterdam) and married a Jewish [[Ausfag]] girl. NJB started a whole subreddit named r/fuckcars which has an admirable goal of criticising [[cancer|car culture]], but in practice is just an endless circle [[Randal O'Toole|jerk off in a jitney]] of repeating the same old liberal propaganda about North America being supposedly doomed.

NJB is close allies with neo-nazi supporter [[Hungary|Adam Something]] (aka Azov Nothing), a fake Marxist with similar extreme anger issues, hatred of MuRiCa, a sexual fetish for "[[gypsy|Roma People]]", and censoring of any disagreement. As expected, both NJB and Azov Nothing are [[Vaush]] fanboys and accepted as members of the [[BreadTube]] cult. Other BreadTube commies who have promoted NJB propaganda videos include [[Hbomberguy]], [[BLM|Legal Eagle]], and [[Philosophy Tube]].

Other YouTube channels that have completely sold out (such as [[AVGN]]) are NJB fanboys.

NJB hates poor people. Are you really surprised?

==Things he's stolen from other activists==
*The Breezewood meme, which first went viral in 2008, long before NJB infected the internet.
*The term "stroad" from StrongTowns, which started in 1985.
*Generalising and stereotyping.
*Fear of crime from every news media source
*Censorship
*Jerking off in a jitney, fugly appearance and anger issues from [[Randal O'Toole]]
*STDs
*Virginity of blonde chicks from [[Faux News]]
*Cynical doomerism
*Looking retarded from every [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]
*E-begging
*Idolising [[Europe]] from [[ATTN:]]
*Vicious hatred for anything Murican from [[Reddit]]
*Obsession with transgenderism
*Obsession with [[negroes]] (though he hates them) from [[MSNBC]]
*The term "painted bike gutter" from Oh the Urbanity!
*Recognising that the fire department are just cops in different coloured trucks from [[GTA 5]]
*"[[In Minecraft]]" from [[South Park]]

==How to piss off NotJustBikes and his equally obnoxious fanbase==
*Remind them New York City exists and has good transit.
*Suggest [[truth|North America is not hopeless, and in fact is changing for the better]].
*Tell them to tone down the anger.
*Say Houston (though that city sucks too) is the best city ever.
*Call him a [[nazi|nationalist]].
*Tell any success story from North America or mention anything good happening there.
*Be even remotely positive or optimistic.
*Share links to videos by CityNerd or Alan Fisher.
*Suggest that the Netherlands is not a perfect country.
*Ask him, like, why, he uses, like, so many, unnecessary, commas, and, why, he, like, says, like, too, like, fucking, like, much, too.
*Tell him to act his age (83) instead of like a bratty teen girl.
*Be [[Jewish]] or [[Indian]].
*Be less wealthy than him.
*Remind him that [[fact|97% of people will never ever have the money or opportunity to move across an ocean and it's much much harder to make such a move than he suggests it is]].
*Ask him or his fanboys if they care at all about future generations.
*Tell him he displays the same characteristics as the [[MAGA]]ites he hates: older than 60, uneducated, white, lives in a bubble, paranoid, easily angered, insists on [[Burger King|having everything his way]] even when he knows he's objectively wrong, [[USI|thinks he's always right about everything]].
*Politely ask him not to interrupt you while you're trying to speak.
*Ask him how he became a refugee in a foreign country so easily and quickly.
*Ask him if his new passport is fake.
*Ask him how much he paid in bribes to become a Dutch citizen in less than 2 years.
*Tell him it's ignorant to generalise and stereotype.
*Use public transit in North America.
*Send him photos of missing middle housing in North America. Bonus points if the neighbourhood pictured is walkable.
*Tell the truth that cynical doomers are just as harmful to urbanist causes as car-addicted suburbanites have been.
*Compare him to [[Randal O'Toole]]
*Tell him that avoiding debates and blocking instead of engaging with critics makes you a coward.
*Tell him money can't buy happiness and there's more to life than money. Better yet, say that he wouldn't be angry 24/7 if money could buy happiness.
*Suggest that he see a therapist.
*Suggest that the real problem at hand is that NJB and his fanboys are brainwashed by sensationalist news media and live isolated in a bubble, and if they left their basements regularly they would see that North American is more than just a carbon copy of Houston.
*Ask him how he became a billionaire (hint: it wasn't through "hard work").
*Live anywhere west of the prime meridian.
*Remind him that Amsterdam was car-dependent at one point. Be advised, NJB and his fanboy army will certainly respond with the butthurt "but the US is worse!" argument.
*Ask him to cite sources.
*Show him any video by Oh the Urbanity!
*Show him this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqNiPVO5mAE
*Tell him his channel logo is lazily designed.
*Suggest that the solution to building passenger rail in North America is bipartisan support, not the "us vs. them" mentality.
*Call his gay lover Adam Something a nazi.
*Ask him how much he pays in taxes.
*Speak the truth that you are a coward if you decide to run away across an ocean instead of staying and fighting. Even better, state that people who want change have the obligation to stay and fight, and that running away makes the fight harder for everyone who doesn't have the option to leave.
*Ask where he got his plastic surgery.
*Ask him where he convinced RMTransit to get weight loss surgery.
*Ask him why he brainwashed RMTransit into hating American light rail and showing off about how perfect his life is.
*Tell him he has privilege.
*Point out that for a non-American who hates MuRiCa with a burning passion, NJB sure exemplifies the American cultural values of anger, aggression, the "fuck you, got mine" mentality, and love of [[tranny|gender confusion]].
*Point out that selfsihly putting his own personal desires first at the expense of everyone else in North America by running away across an ocean like a coward was an act of rugged individualism.
*Call him a racist.
*Call him a [[hypocrite]].
*Ask him if he smokes weed.
*Ask him if he plays [[Minecraft]].
*Ask him how many women he's had sex with.
*Tell him he sounds similar to [[Tucker Carlson]].
*Invite him to a debate.
*Remind him that even the similarly nasty and arrogant [[Randal O'Toole]] is not afraid to debate his enemies.
*Say [[Elon Musk]] (though he's also an idiot and a grifter) is the best innovator.
*Ask him what type of home he lives in (hint: it's a single-family detached McMansion).
*Ask him how he got from Toronto to Amsterdam (hint: he flew in a private jet).
*Disagree with him or his fanboys.
*Tag him on social media.
*Ask him if he's really actually too busy to take messages or just hates peasants.
*Ask him what he's done to help the oppressed [[negroes]], [[gays]], [[trannies]], "mass shooting" victims and abortion seekers he pretends to care about when discussing how terrible the USA is.
*Ask him why he talks so damn slow.
*Ask him if there's anything he likes about North America.
*Report his stupid propaganda videos for misinformation.
*Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
*Call him smug, arrogant or narcissistic.
*Show him photos of urban freeways in Amsterdam (they exist).
*Tell him [[Vancouver]] has the best local police department of any city in the world.
*Point out the truth that even if every North American city were to become like Amsterdam overnight, NJB and his equally obnoxious fanbase would still hate North America and continue to find things to rage about.
*Call him selfish, impatient or entitled.
*Say capitalism is better than socialism.
*Ask him if he voted for Geert Wilders.
*Imitate the calls of Canada geese.
*Fact check any of his lies.
*Speak the truth that large, low-density suburbs, cities and countries such as the USA and Canada are still capable of supporting public transit, bike lanes, walkable areas, and passenger rail.
*Remind him that the "jaywalking" is legal even in parts of the USA (such as NYC), while some non-American cities have laws against it too (such as Singapore).
*Ask him if he's ever donated to charitable causes.
*Ask him if he's had a heart attack or stroke yet.
*Use the abbreviation NJB and the fanboys will call you a nazi just because of one obscure gay nazi who murdered a Jewish talk show host and raped his corpse. Apparently, disagreeing with NJB makes you the new Hitler. Ironic considering NJB is a ravaging anti-Semite.
*Introduce them to people who live in small US college towns full time (there are millions).
*Remind them that countries outside North America have a housing crisis too.
*Ask him if a terminally angry CCP supporter from SoCal named ScramJett watches his videos.
*Ask him if a terminally angry Reddit addict from Germany named Systematicvisionary watches his videos.
*Show him photos of small US college towns that have cycling infrastructure and modeshare levels on par with Amsterdam, such as Greenville, SC (though Bob Jones University also sucks) and Davis, CA.
*Tell him to do better research for his propaganda videos.
*Ask him what real Dutch people think of his videos (spoiler alert: they hate him and want to deport his ass to Canada).
*Ask him if he got any STDs from decades of wild sex parties before he married a 30-year-old stripper.
*Tell him [[Tokyo]] has better public transport than Amsterdam.
*Tell him [[Belgium]] is a superior country to the Netherlands.
*Bring up the subject of income inequality.
*Create alt accounts to bypass the cowardly blocks he imposes to censor his critics.
*Ask him what he has done to help improve North American cities.
*Tell him he looks like the [[Hobo with a Shotgun]]
*Show them this article

== See Also ==

* [http://www.youtube.com/@NotJustBikes the propaganda source itself]
* [[Vaush]]
* [[Destiny]]
* [[Bluesky]]
* [[TheMysteriousMrEnter]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]

[[Category:People]]
{{Canada}}
{{sj}}
{{YouTube Ranters}}
{{ytseries}}
{{enemy}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 24th & 25th, [[2014]]|[[MrEnter]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[James Foley]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article May 15 and 16, [[2024]]|[[VidLii]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Battle For Dream Island]]}}
[[Category:People|Slaughter, Jason]]
[[Category:Crackers]]

Oral Roberts

2026-06-02T03:15:47Z

Crow caw: /* From the Mouth of the Devil Himself */

'''Oral Roberts'''{{Christian}} [[dead|was]] a highly [[unwarranted self importance|influential]] and groundbreaking [[Christfag|televangelist]]. On December 15th, 2009, he was struck down by the wrath of [[Raptorjesus]] for his [[buttsecks|blasphemy]], Jew and [[h8|hatred]]. Nobody whose opinion even remotely counts gave half a shit about the whole affair, except to point out that he was a total [[douchebag|douchenozzle]].
[[Image:6a00d8341c691053ef00e54f8d5c158833-800wi.jpg|thumb|120px]]
==Childhood and Early Life==
[[Oral]] "Skullfuck" Roberts was the son of a [[sick fuck|Preacher]] and a [[beastiality|dairy cow]] living on a farm in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. He claims to be of Aboriginal descent, which if you think about it explains his overwhelming greed and alcoholism. The little fuck's parents were so poor that they took to pimping him out on the street as a [[prostitute|back-alley semen vacuum]] for booze money. Roberts described this as a formative experience for him, as it taught him to do [[buttsecks|painful]] and [[fellatio|humiliating]] things for money, which heavily infuenced his later religious work. As he grew older, his parents' crack habit exceeded whatever he was bringing home turning tricks at the truck stops, so they gave him to [[1guy1jar|sicker]] and [[BME|sicker]] Johns to maximize their earnings. When he was 17, one punter was so [[raep|rough]] with him that he was [[anal prolapse|nearly killed]] and had to be hospitalized. To cover up the shame of this experience, he claimed that it was just a bad case of [[aids|tuberculosis]].

After [[lie|graduating]] from high school, he went to college for two years, before [[fail|dropping out]]. He married a [[whore|preacher's daughter]], and their vile [[pedophile|priest]] roleplay inspired Robby to become a [[Arab|man of god]]. His first attempt at setting up a congregation consisted of him [[truth|screaming at 3000 people seated on folding chairs in a tent]]. Really this was just a clever ruse to cover up his frequent drug induced psychotic episodes, which was so successful that it became the coping mechanism of choice for [[sick_fuck|sick fucks]], weirdos, [[pedo|pedophiles]], [[rape|rapists]], [[drugs|drug addicts]], and Jews for the next fifty years.

==The Rise to Power and Perversity==
[[Image:Roberts as a young man.jpg|thumb|125px|Say what you will about the man, he has a world class pedosmile]]
His insane rantings were so hilarious to watch that network executives soon approached him about creating a comedy show. Unfortunately, the executives did not realize the fundamental truth of humanity; [[Stephen_Colbert|there are always fucks out there stupid enough to take this shit seriously]]. His show, originally titled "Blowjob Roberts One Hour of Happy Time, 15$" was a hit across many demographics, including stoned teenagers and [[aspie|retards in the south]]. Robby was still suffering from the psychotic delusion that he was doing God's work, and used all of the donations sent in to him from [[retard|retards]] to spread [[AIDS|God's Word]]. However, his Native American heritage would not be denied, and it grew more and more painful for him to just give up piles upon piles of money. Panicking, he turned to the Bible, opening it to a random page. He opened to Matthew 19:23;

''"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."''

but in his coked up state, with his [[Abo|Indian]] genes working overtime, he thought god was telling him to [[do it faggot]], and take all of the delicious Jew Gold for himself. Much relieved that he was finally being true to himself, he went out and bought a pimp mobile, and returned to the profession of his childhood, determined to finally be on the right side of the [[cock|penis]] and/or strapon this time. Of course being a fucking idiot, he [[fail|failed]] [[Ted_Haggard|many]], [[Larry_Craig|many]], times.

==Fame and Fortune==
[[Image:CityPlex Towers in Tulsa, Oklahoma.jpg|thumb|125px|Roberts' hospital, where he was told by god he would [[unrealistic_expectations|cure cancer]]. Now a CityPlex building.]]
[[Image:Oral roberts handjob monument.jpg|thumb|125px|Although best known for his [[fellatio|namesake talent]], Roberts had a deep and abiding respect for [[masturbation|manual release]].]]
After his [[I_Came|revelation]] he began preaching a new gospel, its tenants were that [[lie|God wants us to be as rich and greedy as Jews]], [[orgy|we should all crowd into big tents for revival meetings]], [[pedo|and faith healing by laying on of hands]]. Unknowingly, Skullfuck had discovered an incredible niche, telling people to do the things they wanted to do anyway, but telling them God wanted to do it, while simultaneous repressing their homosexuality by oppressing [[gay|gays]]. Rob was at the height of his life, he had discovered a way to make people think they were going to hell unless they gave him all of their money and crowded into big tents where he could [[raep|heal]] them and their children. By his own admission, he personally [[molest|laid hands]] on [[9000|more than 2 million]] people. Expanding upon his success, he even founded a university where he could train people to be more [[pedophilia|receptive to his sexual advances]]. Students were required to sign a document forbidding them from smoking, drinking, [[Bill_Clinton|doing drugs]], and engaging in premarital sex. This left all of the liquor, booze, and drugs, to him and ensured that he had a ready crop of horny and desperate co-eds to fuck. Years later, Skullfuck's shithead crotchspawn would continue their father's tradition of greed and perversion by misappropriating publicly donated university funds for obviously noneducational shit like remodeling their mansion 11 times in 14 years [http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5j9XJtq8scoszIFZLWUjrR8mPuBFQD8S38PR80], private sex tourism vacations to the Bahamas [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21156263/page/1/], a stable of horses for [[Mr. Hands|their own personal use]], and arranging so many [[gangbang|booty calls]] with [[shota|horny underage boys]] that Skullfuck's own granddaughter had to install deadbolts on her bedroom door (again, using university funds) for fear of [[raep|losing her virginity]] to the rampant overflow of [[rapist|frustrated and horny young men]] streaming out of her mom's sex dungeon[http://www.tulsaworld.com/webextra/content/2007/pdfs/orusuit.pdf] whenever the KY ran out.

Despite being perpetually high, the poverty-stricken Indian inside of Skullfuck was still sane enough to realize that his money train had to keep moving to keep up with the nonstop flow of drugs and booze. With the rampant purchases of drugs, [[gay|designer]] clothes, [[bling]], rape-vans, and [[Josef Fritzl|luxury homes with specially constructed rape-dungeons]] even a [[Auto-fellatio|masterful orator]] like Skullfuck was running out of excuse to justify his spending habits to a growing audience of mostly [[poor]] [[white trash]] who failed to realize that [[Common knowledge|giving away their money to a scamming druggie full of empty promises will not make them rich]]. Skullfuck himself was especially [[butthurt|sensitive]] to allegations of wealthy excesses, and took to hiring people to [[Swirl Face|photoshop]] out the numerous gold chains, rings, and watches which were now fused to his [[STD|syphilis-scarred body]] from various publications and photo ops[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/religion-obituaries/6827907/Oral-Roberts.html].

With more money came more and more powerful drugs, and Skullfuck began to loose what little touch with reality he had. He claimed a [[Raptor_Jesus|900 foot tall Jesus]], told him to build a hospital which would become a great financial success. This hospital allowed Oral even greater access to [[drugs|medical-grade pharmaceuticals]], as well as [[Nurse_kun|giving him an opportunity to explore his cripple fetish]]. This hospital became a miserable failure, and [[YHBT|Jesus lolled mightily at his greatest prank since convincing those 12 idiots he had died and risen again]]. Further controversy arose when his son claimed to have seen him raise a child from the dead. What his son didn't know is that he actually saw his father using CPR to revive a child that he had [[Goosh_Goosh|sexed too roughly]]. Facing financial disaster, Rob pioneered many popular cam-whoring techinques. In 1987, he performed the first "I'm so depressed, donations or I'll [[self_pwn|kill myself]]" scam, when he said that unless he raised [[Wishlist|8 million dollars]] god would "[[surprise_buttsecks|call him home]]".

==Downfall and Death==
[[Image:Oral-roberts-death.jpg‎|thumb|120px|Roberts nearing death. The creepy smile is due to a combination of heroin and the ministrations of a small boy offscreen]]
Finally convinced that he had had milked the lolcow dry, God decided it was time for the endgame. Even southern retards began to resent his [[hookers_and_blow|fiduciary misconduct]], and decided to find a new pervert to grope their children, as Robby was getting so old that it was creepy. Facing dropping revenues, Skullfuck decided to [[Deleting_your_LiveJournal|retire from religion]]. However, the all-cruel god was not done with him yet. First he struck down his [[whore|wife]] with pneumonia, and then killed his daughter in a plane crash. To finish off with a bang, he made Oral's son shoot himself in the face after being ordered by a court to undergo [[irony|drug-counseling]], as his son had been taking drugs for years to supress some of the horrible things he had seen his father do. Finally, God sent [[Pedobear]] down to harvest the old man's soul. As Pedobear descended through the ceiling, he saw Roberts, in nothing but a pair of yellow stained tighty whities, laying on a filthy, shit-stained mattress, shooting heroin into his penis, all his other veins having long ago collapsed. As Pedobear cradled Oral in his soft, furry arms, Roberts whispered his final words as the syringe slipped from his fingers. "[[I_did_it_for_the_lulz|I did it all for the lulz]]". The moral of this story is that [[truth|God is the greatest troll known to man]].

Here is Howard Stern telling the [[truth]] about him:
<youtube>1MTnhbdbM84</youtube>

==From the Mouth of the Devil Himself==
<center>
{{morphquote|mqtest3|background-color:white;|font-weight: bold;|I had to stop and go back in the crowd and raise the dead person so I could go ahead with the service.|he raises the dead, for a fee|Unless I raise $8 million by next March, God will call me home.|The phone lines are open.|Only one organ made to bring forth life—it's the male organ. It's not in lesbianism for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It's not in the male where the male organ goes into the part of the, of the body where the, the waste matter comes out of the body, the poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It's not to be put into the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman on the male organ! It is the male organ penetrating the vagina of the woman—the male and the female!...|H8r}}</center>

<youtube>61_rPgitFmc</youtube>

SERIOUS EDITOR'S NOTE
We hate [[TYT|the Old Jerks]], but at least they agree with us that Oral Roberts likes oral sex. Now I bet some of you were thinking, all that shit about bestiality and other faggotry gotta be made up right? After listening to Oral's own words on sex, especially with the parts about cows going at it, how it [[fellatio|TASTES GOOD]] and joking about being a gueerfag and trying to edit the tape, suddenly, it's all starting to make sense [[amiright]]? I wish I was making this shit up!!!
FRIVOLOUS EDITOR'S NOTE
Did you notice how much he sounds like Bill Cosby on crack?

Don't visit Tulsa unless you want to get beaten to death and flattened by the pigs with badges for the fake invented victimless "crime" known as "jaywalking". You're better off pissing off [[Mike Chitwood]] in [[Florida]].

==External Links==
*[http://cnview.com/on_line_resources/the_life_and_ministry_of_oral_roberts.htm An unflattering account of the fraud and greed of Oral Roberts, as told by his fellow Christians too!]

{{Christianity}}
{{Whores}}
[[Category:People|Roberts, Oral]]

The Young Turks

2026-06-02T02:59:56Z

Crow caw: /* Hosts */

The Young Turds was once a news show, watched by liberals before liberal become synonyms with regressive crybaby. Nowadays it is the Buzzfeed of Youtube, except with somehow even more biased content. The chief of the show is an aggressive loud-mouth who got fired from MSNBC, because he felt he had to preach his obnoxious outdated views to the masses.
Other hosts include a slut, an MST3K reject and even more regressives, doing their damnest to not let any facts slip through their bias.
[[File:Mahir_cagri_accordian.jpg|thumb|It goes something like this]]
[[File:Tyt_gun_control.jpg|thumb]]
==History==
''Fat Tony'' began a talk show in the mold of a public access show he had done previously called ''The Old Turk''. With the help of friend [[Jews|Ben Mankiewicz]] whom he had previously spammed public access television with, his childhood friend [[Satan]], and [[Camwhore|Jill Pike]] they began The Young Turks. Three homeless folks are paid in beers as full time crew.

In 2005, the trolling received attention for its 99 hour "Live On Air Filibuster" conducted during the Republicans having their lulz nominating some guido weenie to the Supreme Court, right after the emo-raging over [[W]]'s victory. Hosts including [[Nobody|Thom Hartmann, Mike Malloy, Bob Kincaid, Brad Friedman, and Peter B. Collins]] filled in so that the shows regulars could go work their 2nd yob at McDonald's.

It was announced on August 20, 2007, that Mankiewicz would leave the show and all the dweebs thumbed up a comment of "Ben sucks" to the top. In September 2008, Ben Mankiewicz and [[Stoner|Ben Lyons]] replaced [[Bill O'Reilly]] and [[Assclown|Richard Roeper]] as hosts of ''Dweeby Whines About Crappy Movies''. At roughly the same time, Pike left to pursue a job in Washington, D.C. at an establishment called ''The Booby Trap'', at which point somebody's little daughter, Ana Kasparian was hired to say "NO WAI" after practicing her ABCs with TMZ blurbs about [[Kim Kardashian|random whores]].

During the [[America|United States]] 2008 elections, the show developed close ties to another vlog, often whoring their ads and featuring personalities such as Michael Moore's little wannabe and some chinese guy.

All TYT network members are required to be militant [[atheists]] who hate [[Christfags]] yet still defend radical [[muzzies]] for some obscure reason.

[[YouTube]] has a special deal with TYT and all its allies (especially Kyle Kulinski, David Pakman and Sam Seder) where the site endlessly promotes their stupid videos.

===Geocities===
Prior to Air America making a grave mistake, the show was broadcast on Sirius Satellite Radio, on Sirius Left 143 and later 146, [[at least 100 years ago]], and re-aired on Sirius Talk Central 148 one time [[Last Thursday]]. ''The Young Turks'' was the first show exclusively for Sirius Left after they moved their Mac servers out of their parents' garage. The show was the only thing on Sirius for several years. ''The Young Turks'' was also carried by a ham radio in Wichita, Kansas on Saturday nights and uploaded to geocities by RadioPower.org, aka SSBJVegeta99.

On February 2, 2009, ''The Young Turks'' was removed from the broadcast schedule on XM/Sirius Channel 69 for being [[Shit]], America Left, and their program was filled by an extra hour of tape recorded saxophone solos from NPR news. ''Fat Tony'' made them an offer they couldn't refuse and the show returned to XM/Sirius on March 16, 2009.

==Hosts==
===Cenk Uygur===
[[File:CenkUygur Armenian Genocide Not Real.jpg|thumb]]
Besides having the name of the vomit, this self proclaimed "Proud Mangina" is so full of himself that it is a wonder that he actually allows other on his show. Once upon a time, this man was actually seen as smart, believe it or not. Now people has finally caught up to the fact, that whenever he is presented with facts, he stumps his feet like a fucking child, and goes full out temper tantrum. Even fellow liberal atheists can't stand Chunk Anger, like this guy:
{{quote|And Cenk, it seems, when it comes to Islam and religions generally, is just as anti-Islam as Harris. Where does this shit come from that Harris would persecute Muslims? It comes from Cenk listening to what others have been saying about Harris, rather than reading Harris. By the time it gets to the Aslan and Harris interviews he has gotten around to reading some Harris, though we’re not sure what – seems like just a few bits and pieces. But it’s too late. He’s dug his hole and he just keeps on digging.

This is a fucking disgrace. As others have said, how can you trust TYT when this sort of bullshit is an example of balanced reporting.|https://ronmurp.net/2015/05/31/cenk-uygur-is-losing-his-grip-on-reality/|Ron Murphy}} 
<center><youtube>byJaLeslnIk</youtube> 
<big>Cenk's message to all his viewers:</big> 
[[File:CenkUygur Fuck You.jpg]]
</center>

Last Thursday, Uygur's misogynistic past was discovered by some Internet rag called [https://www.thewrap.com/young-turks-cenk-uygur-blog-breasts-women-flawed/ The Wrap], which took the time to dredge through the [[Wayback Machine]] and publish some of Cenk's views on women as sex objects. Cenk apologized, naturally, but blamed these attitudes on being a conservative at the time. Some of the more touching quotes are:

{{squote|1=Obviously, the genes of women are flawed. They are poorly designed creatures who do not want to have sex nearly as often as needed for the human race to get along peaceably and fruitfully.}}

{{squote|1=It seems like there is a sea of tits here, and I am drinking in tiny droplets. I want to dive into the whole god damn ocean}}

{{squote|1=There must be some serious making out by the third date. If I haven’t felt your tits by then, things are not about to last much longer.}}

===[[Bimbofication|Ana Kasparian]]===
[[File:Ana_face_tyt.gif|thumb|You still look like a fucking dog Ana]]
The voice of reason on this literal shit show, and she is dumb as a fucking doornail. And like the rest of the crew a complete fucking hypocrite.
The best evidence of this can seen when she got extremely upset over the Beach Body Ready ad, that was running [[Last Thursday]].
<center><youtube>fYmkr5ZPCy4</youtube></center>
This is real funny since this bitch actually wants [https://youtu.be/XM0DK9gFTEQ?t=3m46s to be a go-go dancer], if she wasn't busy taking off her clothes in order to get on YouTube. 
Or getting her nose done, because her brain is unfixable. 
<center>[[File:Ana-kasparian-nose-job.jpg]]</center> 
{{quote|She made me realize that banking off looks and unearned fame might earn a steady income for 15 minutes. But when the 15 minutes are up it's hard to make a living...Unlike the reality stars and super models, I have other "credits" and I wake up every day feeling proud of the work I do. I do everything with dignity. Even though wealth would be great, it isn't worth losing my self-respect for it...Every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror. I never want to see Heidi Montag's reflection staring back at me. I want to see Ana Kasparian: a girl who values education and people who follow their dreams...not dollar signs...|http://www.examiner.com/article/higher-education-according-to-me|Ana Kasparian}}

In 2021, Kasparian was fired from TYT for criticising [[transgender]] ideology and hates The Old Jerks now.

===Other hosts===
Some other co-hosts are: Some Dork in glasses, a guy who doesn't want to be there but feels sorry for them, what's his name, what's her face, and RJ Eskow. Tony also has regular bits and on air interaction with those who help run the show; The living [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]] can still win meme Kyle Kulinski, some illegal immigrant, Dave Koller, J.R. "the token black guy", Tom Hanc, and a couple of other fruitcakes. Kulinski is easily the most annoying obnoxious shithead on the Old Jerks network. He is a nasty asshole who makes a living angrily raging at people and insulting them. He would make a great [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]! Some former TYT "reporters" who left the network include [[gay]] [[Israhell]]ian David Pakman, lung cancer-infected [[rapist]] Sam Seder, hater of all [[homeless]] people Ana Kasparian, and former liberal turned gay [[MAGA]]ite Dave Rubin.

Despite the plural-sounding name, 90% of the show is really just Fat Tony single-handedly trolling [[Poseur|Joe The Plumber impersonators]] about the teabags on their colonial hats and their masturbation to masculine portraits of Ayn Rand.

==Dramas==
===Cenk literally makes up racist quote and attributes it to Sarah Palin===

This one speaks for itself. Kind of ironic as Cenk and gang are constantly talking about how [[redneck|conservatives]] are the ones that disrespect women.

<center><youtube>U7qNmgc_eCQ</youtube></center>

===San Bernardino Terrorist Attack===

They thought the [[Muslim|terrorists]] were white.

<center><youtube>utXAcm-MsTM</youtube></center>

===Alex Jones trolls TYT===

In an act of epic lulz, crazy [[Alex Jones]] of [[Infowars]] stormed the studio during a live airing holding a "[[Bill Clinton]] is a Rapist" T-shirt and got the cockroach to epically lose his shit as he realized he can't shout people down when they are in the same room as him. The drama ended as Jimmy Dore, a non-comedian who was in the studio spat in Alex's face and Ana Kasparian "fat shamed" Alex Jones by yelling at him that he's a fat fuck as everyone laughed.

<center><youtube>s4pX53AqpUs</youtube></center>

===TRUMP 2016 ELECTION NIGHT RAGE===

Because the young turks believe in a [[bullshit|fair and equal election]], they sperged to heights previous unreached when it was obvious that [[Donald J. Trump]] would triumph against the [[Clinton|hildabeest]]. Sadly they did not take the opportunity to sell 600 gallon bottles of Ana's tears to thirsty [[Africa|African children]] because fuck charity. [[no|Viva Liberalism™]]!

<center><youtube>UiWY0iRLV94</youtube></center>
<center><youtube>QPIGzM6yMVs</youtube></center>

===UC Berkeley Protest===

When a violent protest against [[Milo Yiannopoulos|speaker]] [[Attention Whore|Milo Yiannopoulos]] erupted at UC Berkeley, Cenk [http://www.armenian-genocide.org/young_turks.html "what genocide?"] Yogurt and Ana "My real nose was a joke" kasparian fucking lost it.

<center><youtube>vIwEQvSicRk</youtube></center>

==Videos==

{| style="margin: 0 auto"
|{{frame|{{videoframe|RATS|background-color: #DBD8CD;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>9hiRC5ZDTXk</youtube> <center>'''Last Thursday's full episode'''</center>
|<youtube>GJO8IHy4-NI</youtube> <center>'''Kink-shaming a retarded [[furry]]'''</center>
|<youtube>nMaCPOrJDAU</youtube> <center>'''Do not put this up on youtube!'''</center>
|<youtube>3Y1LIAE8FlQ</youtube> <center>'''CENK COMPLETELY LOSES IT ON SYRIAN REFUGEES'''</center>
|<youtube>yak43p72kl4</youtube> <center>'''[[Irony|Jill Pike fights to be called a cunt]]'''</center>
}}|border=#000000|background=#FFFFFF}}
|}

==Gallery==

<center><gallery>
File:Liberal.png
File:CenkUyger.jpg
File:TYTbeast.png
File:Ana Kasparian.jpg
File:Roach Conspires.png
File:Armeniangenocide.jpg
</gallery></center>

==Spam-off series==
In February 2010, ''What the Fuck?!'' began airing on the show's website, featuring improv comedy stolen straight out of old Herbie The Love Bug movies.

In September 2010, TYTSports was launched. Their audience was too busy collecting welfare to notice.

Some less known spinoffs include The Damage Report and The Humanist Report.

==See Also==
* [[Liberalism]]
* [[Leftard]]
* [[Atheist]]
* [[YouTube]] - they endlessly promote TYT and its associated propagandists, especially Kuck Kulakski
* [[John Oliver]] - the Old Turds wish they could be like him!
* Bill Maher - even this liberal atheist is sick of TYT's bullshit
* The Blaze TV - [[MAGA]] [[retard|populist]] version of TYT founded by [[Glenn Beck]]
* [[MSNBC]] - shitlib propaganda network that- unlike TYT- was successful enough to make it on TV. In recent years, they have jumped on the [[Florida|"tough on crime"]] and [[atheist|anti-Christfag]] bandwagons.
* [[Drunk|Keith Olbermann]] - TYT hate him because he's merely a [[fagnostic]] and voted for [[Hillary]] instead of Bernie.
* [[Sweden]] - the Old Jerks idolise this nation, but they'd never be welcome there.
* [[Stephen_Colbert|Biases of reality]]
* [[Trayvon Martin]] -Cenk won't shut up about this guy.
* [[Colin Kaepernick]] -Cenk also won't shut up about this guy.
* [[The Donald|Donald Trump]] - TYT has a massive hate boner for the [[Drumpf|zog emperor]].
* [[Genocide]]
*[[Dame Pesos]] - Weird spic that a-logs them
*[[Hasan Piker]]

==External links==
* [http://www.theyoungturks.com/ Website]
* [http://www.youtube.com/TheYoungTurks Main YouTube channel]
* [http://www.youtube.com/tytinterviews TYT Interviews YouTube channel]

{{portals|gay|socialjustice|youtube}}

{{timeline|Featured article July 25 & 26, [[2016]]|[[Fembusters/Leslie Jones' Twitter Meltdown]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Venusangelic]]}}

[[Category:YouTube]]

Mike Chitwood

2026-05-30T16:14:25Z

Crow caw:

{{Fed}}
[[File:Mike Chitwood bra pic.jpeg|220px|left]]
{{Elaw}}
'''Mike Chitwood''', a.k.a. '''Kike Shitwood'''{{Jew}}, is a former [[Florida]] sheriff turned full-time [[Internet police]] Gestapo man with a hate-boner for those [[4chan]] [[trolls]]. He is a notable [[snowflake]] who launches into violent hissy fits in response to any criticism of his retarded bullshit, all while hypocritically accusing his enemies of the same actions. Shitwood is a bully, a coward and a tyrant. All he knows how to do is insult and threaten people while [[attention whoring]] in the sensationalist local news media (looking at YOU, Fox 35 Orlando!). What separates him from most of the casuals is his intense sexual fetish for actually sending people who offend him to jail. Shitwood is basically a liberal version of the equally nasty blowhard [[Grady Judd]] and the creepy pervert [[Wayne Ivey]]. All Florida sheriffs are the modern Gestapo.

==Chitwood declares war on 4chan==
[[File:GDL highway banner.jpeg|220px|left]]
Beginning in [[2023]], Mike Chitwood rose to e-prominence by targeting users of [[4chan]]. It all started when the [[Goyim Defense League]] trolled the Daytona International Speedway by hanging [[funny|antisemitic]] banners over it, causing Mike Chitwood to dis them, causing 4chan nazis to post about their fantasies to kill him (in Minecraft, of course), causing many of them to get arrested and extradited to Florida so they could ride down the escalator of shame at the Florida airport where Chitwood could greet them personally at the bottom because Chitwood likes to get the last laugh. In fact, you don’t even need to necessarily threaten Chitwood's life to get on his shitlist; people like [[Richard Golden]] only suggested somebody should kill Mike Chitwood (in a video game no less) and still got a year's worth of jail time. In an act of hypocrisy, Shitwood is trying to execute people who even criticise him. Ultimately, Mike Chitwood views it as essential to crush the First Amendment because it allegedly allowed shit like the [[Payton Gendron|Buffalo Supermarket Shooting]] to happen. Shitwood supports amnesty for [[illegal aliens]], all because he gets even richer locking them up. He voted for [[Kamala]] in 2024.

==Chitwood goes after the kids==

[[File:Minecraft don’t go to school meme.jpeg|thumb|left|Post this and the [[consequences will never be the same]].]]
Sometime in 2018, Chitwood began arresting and perp-walking kids for posting [[school shooting]] threats online. The department also made sure to release their face [[dox]]es and [[powerword]]s as a form of punishment through public humiliation via their “Naming and Shaming” policy; forever screwing up their future prospects just for sharing [[edgy]] [[memes]] online or having a dark and sordid sense of humor. This caused much butthurt among [[free speech]] advocates and [[libertarians]], although "tough on crime" extremists like Shitwood and his bootlickers view these extreme tactics as somehow normal because fuck [[pussies|human rights]].

Since Shitwood and company gleefully released these kids' information to the public, we might as well cover some of them with their mugshots to boot as certificates of their badassery:

:''see also: [[High Score#Absolute Fucking Failures]]''
[[File:Carlo Dorelli mugshot.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Carlo "Kingston" Dorelli''' (11), Creekside Middle School
Jokingly showed off his arsenal of air soft guns, knives, swords and a hit list to his classmates through FaceTime calls, leading to his arrest on Sept. 16, 2024. Ironically, it was another 11-year-old boy that ratted him out who was involved in similar activities. Fucking snitches.
<center><youtube>HDAMPJVkZek</youtube></center>
[[File:Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance''' (17 & 16), T. Dewitt Taylor Middle-High
Shortly after their school broadcasted an announcement warning students that all threats would be taken seriously (too seriously if you ask me) and could lead to arrest, Trinity posted a picture of her school laptop on [[Snapchat]] captioned with “Imma shoot up the school”, Brayden commented “Same”, then they were both arrested on Sep. 18, 2024.

Perp walk video: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=505488772279311&vanity=sheriffchitwood&http_ref=eyJ0cyI6MTc2OTAzNjYxOTAwMCwiciI6Imh0dHBzOlwvXC93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbVwvIn0%3D
[[File:Kamden Taylor BUSTED.jpeg|thumb|Criminal scum right where he belongs.|250px]]
*'''Kamden Taylor''' (13), Riverview Learning Center
Arrested TWICE. Once on Sept. 27, 2024, for making a threat against somebody through his [[PlayStation]] and again in Feb. 6, 2025, because the AI overlords detected something he wrote on his school computer.
<center><youtube>9QVLCVeHbzg</youtube></center>

Hopefully, this gives you an idea of how absolutely minute some of these kids' offenses were and how Orwellian the justice response to it is.

And here's the rest of them:
<center><youtube>Qmzf9nQZNEU</youtube></center>

===Onideus Mad Hatter Saves The Kids===
Some time in 2025, the ever-prevalent [[lolcow]], [[Onideus Mad Hatter]], came to prominence once again after sending a death threat (if we are to use the word “threat” loosely) to Mike Chitwood and getting the whole escalator of shame treatment as a result of it. Apparently Mr. Onideus had the balls to criticise Shitwood's violent abuse of these children at taxpayer expense because their mugshots were being sourced into the paedo Wayne Ivey's [[AI art|AI-generated child pornography]] or something like that.

==Gallery of Shitwood's hypocrisy==
<center><gallery>
File:Richard Golden coming out.jpeg
File:Mike Chitwood 4chan meme.png
File:Richard Golden soyjak.png
File:Chitwood Merchandise.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 1.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 2.png
</gallery></center>

==See Also==
*[[Joe Lieberman]] - a politician arguably even more Jewey and anti-lulz than Chitwood is. He wants you arrested just for being [[Goth]] or playing [[DOOM]]. The good news is Lie-burman is burning in hell where he belongs.
*[[Grady Judd]] - an even more violent version of Shitwood with an even bigger ego and equally obnoxious cult of personality known for stupid cringe propaganda videos. The only difference is Judd targets [[niggers]] and [[spics]].
*[[Onideus Mad Hatter]] - One of his victims.
*[[Richard Golden]] - Another one of his victims.
*[[Houston]] - Home of many Shitwood copycats, from John Whitmire (aka Shitfire) to David Fleischer (who is also a paedo).
*[[Mahathir bin Mohamad]] - [[muzzy]] version of Shitwood
*[[The Simpsons]] - Where Shitwood belongs
*[[VPN]] - So Shitwood and his fellow surveillance state actors cannot monitor you searching up [[pr0ns]] as easily.

==External Links so you can troll the fucker==
*{{Facebook|sheriffchitwood|His Facebook}}
*{{Twitter|SheriffChitwood|His Twitter}}
*{{Instagram|sheriffchitwood|His Instagram}}

{{portals|chans|trolls}}
{{Cancer}}
{{Childabuseseries}}
{{Columbine}}
{{jewseries}}
{{Politics}}
{{serious Business}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category: attention whores]]

The Young Turks

2026-05-30T15:17:47Z

Crow caw: /* Ana Kasparian */

The Young Turds was once a news show, watched by liberals before liberal become synonyms with regressive crybaby. Nowadays it is the Buzzfeed of Youtube, except with somehow even more biased content. The chief of the show is an aggressive loud-mouth who got fired from MSNBC, because he felt he had to preach his obnoxious outdated views to the masses.
Other hosts include a slut, an MST3K reject and even more regressives, doing their damnest to not let any facts slip through their bias.
[[File:Mahir_cagri_accordian.jpg|thumb|It goes something like this]]
[[File:Tyt_gun_control.jpg|thumb]]
==History==
''Fat Tony'' began a talk show in the mold of a public access show he had done previously called ''The Old Turk''. With the help of friend [[Jews|Ben Mankiewicz]] whom he had previously spammed public access television with, his childhood friend [[Satan]], and [[Camwhore|Jill Pike]] they began The Young Turks. Three homeless folks are paid in beers as full time crew.

In 2005, the trolling received attention for its 99 hour "Live On Air Filibuster" conducted during the Republicans having their lulz nominating some guido weenie to the Supreme Court, right after the emo-raging over [[W]]'s victory. Hosts including [[Nobody|Thom Hartmann, Mike Malloy, Bob Kincaid, Brad Friedman, and Peter B. Collins]] filled in so that the shows regulars could go work their 2nd yob at McDonald's.

It was announced on August 20, 2007, that Mankiewicz would leave the show and all the dweebs thumbed up a comment of "Ben sucks" to the top. In September 2008, Ben Mankiewicz and [[Stoner|Ben Lyons]] replaced [[Bill O'Reilly]] and [[Assclown|Richard Roeper]] as hosts of ''Dweeby Whines About Crappy Movies''. At roughly the same time, Pike left to pursue a job in Washington, D.C. at an establishment called ''The Booby Trap'', at which point somebody's little daughter, Ana Kasparian was hired to say "NO WAI" after practicing her ABCs with TMZ blurbs about [[Kim Kardashian|random whores]].

During the [[America|United States]] 2008 elections, the show developed close ties to another vlog, often whoring their ads and featuring personalities such as Michael Moore's little wannabe and some chinese guy.

All TYT network members are required to be militant [[atheists]] who hate [[Christfags]] yet still defend radical [[muzzies]] for some obscure reason.

[[YouTube]] has a special deal with TYT and all its allies (especially Kyle Kulinski, David Pakman and Sam Seder) where the site endlessly promotes their stupid videos.

===Geocities===
Prior to Air America making a grave mistake, the show was broadcast on Sirius Satellite Radio, on Sirius Left 143 and later 146, [[at least 100 years ago]], and re-aired on Sirius Talk Central 148 one time [[Last Thursday]]. ''The Young Turks'' was the first show exclusively for Sirius Left after they moved their Mac servers out of their parents' garage. The show was the only thing on Sirius for several years. ''The Young Turks'' was also carried by a ham radio in Wichita, Kansas on Saturday nights and uploaded to geocities by RadioPower.org, aka SSBJVegeta99.

On February 2, 2009, ''The Young Turks'' was removed from the broadcast schedule on XM/Sirius Channel 69 for being [[Shit]], America Left, and their program was filled by an extra hour of tape recorded saxophone solos from NPR news. ''Fat Tony'' made them an offer they couldn't refuse and the show returned to XM/Sirius on March 16, 2009.

==Hosts==
===Cenk Uygur===
[[File:CenkUygur Armenian Genocide Not Real.jpg|thumb]]
Besides having the name of the vomit, this self proclaimed "Proud Mangina" is so full of himself that it is a wonder that he actually allows other on his show. Once upon a time, this man was actually seen as smart, believe it or not. Now people has finally caught up to the fact, that whenever he is presented with facts, he stumps his feet like a fucking child, and goes full out temper tantrum.
{{quote|And Cenk, it seems, when it comes to Islam and religions generally, is just as anti-Islam as Harris. Where does this shit come from that Harris would persecute Muslims? It comes from Cenk listening to what others have been saying about Harris, rather than reading Harris. By the time it gets to the Aslan and Harris interviews he has gotten around to reading some Harris, though we’re not sure what – seems like just a few bits and pieces. But it’s too late. He’s dug his hole and he just keeps on digging.

This is a fucking disgrace. As others have said, how can you trust TYT when this sort of bullshit is an example of balanced reporting.|https://ronmurp.net/2015/05/31/cenk-uygur-is-losing-his-grip-on-reality/|Ron Murphy}} 
<center><youtube>byJaLeslnIk</youtube> 
<big>Cenk's message to all his viewers:</big> 
[[File:CenkUygur Fuck You.jpg]]
</center>

Last Thursday, Uygur's misogynistic past was discovered by some Internet rag called [https://www.thewrap.com/young-turks-cenk-uygur-blog-breasts-women-flawed/ The Wrap], which took the time to dredge through the [[Wayback Machine]] and publish some of Cenk's views on women as sex objects. Cenk apologized, naturally, but blamed these attitudes on being a conservative at the time. Some of the more touching quotes are:

{{squote|1=Obviously, the genes of women are flawed. They are poorly designed creatures who do not want to have sex nearly as often as needed for the human race to get along peaceably and fruitfully.}}

{{squote|1=It seems like there is a sea of tits here, and I am drinking in tiny droplets. I want to dive into the whole god damn ocean}}

{{squote|1=There must be some serious making out by the third date. If I haven’t felt your tits by then, things are not about to last much longer.}}

===[[Bimbofication|Ana Kasparian]]===
[[File:Ana_face_tyt.gif|thumb|You still look like a fucking dog Ana]]
The voice of reason on this literal shit show, and she is dumb as a fucking doornail. And like the rest of the crew a complete fucking hypocrite.
The best evidence of this can seen when she got extremely upset over the Beach Body Ready ad, that was running [[Last Thursday]].
<center><youtube>fYmkr5ZPCy4</youtube></center>
This is real funny since this bitch actually wants [https://youtu.be/XM0DK9gFTEQ?t=3m46s to be a go-go dancer], if she wasn't busy taking off her clothes in order to get on YouTube. 
Or getting her nose done, because her brain is unfixable. 
<center>[[File:Ana-kasparian-nose-job.jpg]]</center> 
{{quote|She made me realize that banking off looks and unearned fame might earn a steady income for 15 minutes. But when the 15 minutes are up it's hard to make a living...Unlike the reality stars and super models, I have other "credits" and I wake up every day feeling proud of the work I do. I do everything with dignity. Even though wealth would be great, it isn't worth losing my self-respect for it...Every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror. I never want to see Heidi Montag's reflection staring back at me. I want to see Ana Kasparian: a girl who values education and people who follow their dreams...not dollar signs...|http://www.examiner.com/article/higher-education-according-to-me|Ana Kasparian}}

In 2021, Kasparian was fired from TYT for criticising [[transgender]] ideology and hates The Old Jerks now.

===Other hosts===
Some other co-hosts are: Some Dork in glasses, a guy who doesn't want to be there but feels sorry for them, what's his name, what's her face, and RJ Eskow. Tony also has regular bits and on air interaction with those who help run the show; The living [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]] can still win meme Kyle Kulinski, some illegal immigrant, Dave Koller, J.R. "the token black guy", Tom Hanc, and a couple of other fruitcakes. Kulinski is easily the most annoying obnoxious shithead on the Old Jerks network. He is a nasty asshole who makes a living angrily raging at people and insulting them. He would make a great [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]! Some former TYT "reporters" who left the network include [[gay]] [[Israhell]]ian David Pakman, lung cancer-infected [[rapist]] Sam Seder, hater of all [[homeless]] people Ana Kasparian, and former liberal turned gay [[MAGA]]ite Dave Rubin.

Despite the plural-sounding name, 90% of the show is really just Fat Tony single-handedly trolling [[Poseur|Joe The Plumber impersonators]] about the teabags on their colonial hats and their masturbation to masculine portraits of Ayn Rand.

==Dramas==
===Cenk literally makes up racist quote and attributes it to Sarah Palin===

This one speaks for itself. Kind of ironic as Cenk and gang are constantly talking about how [[redneck|conservatives]] are the ones that disrespect women.

<center><youtube>U7qNmgc_eCQ</youtube></center>

===San Bernardino Terrorist Attack===

They thought the [[Muslim|terrorists]] were white.

<center><youtube>utXAcm-MsTM</youtube></center>

===Alex Jones trolls TYT===

In an act of epic lulz, crazy [[Alex Jones]] of [[Infowars]] stormed the studio during a live airing holding a "[[Bill Clinton]] is a Rapist" T-shirt and got the cockroach to epically lose his shit as he realized he can't shout people down when they are in the same room as him. The drama ended as Jimmy Dore, a non-comedian who was in the studio spat in Alex's face and Ana Kasparian "fat shamed" Alex Jones by yelling at him that he's a fat fuck as everyone laughed.

<center><youtube>s4pX53AqpUs</youtube></center>

===TRUMP 2016 ELECTION NIGHT RAGE===

Because the young turks believe in a [[bullshit|fair and equal election]], they sperged to heights previous unreached when it was obvious that [[Donald J. Trump]] would triumph against the [[Clinton|hildabeest]]. Sadly they did not take the opportunity to sell 600 gallon bottles of Ana's tears to thirsty [[Africa|African children]] because fuck charity. [[no|Viva Liberalism™]]!

<center><youtube>UiWY0iRLV94</youtube></center>
<center><youtube>QPIGzM6yMVs</youtube></center>

===UC Berkeley Protest===

When a violent protest against [[Milo Yiannopoulos|speaker]] [[Attention Whore|Milo Yiannopoulos]] erupted at UC Berkeley, Cenk [http://www.armenian-genocide.org/young_turks.html "what genocide?"] Yogurt and Ana "My real nose was a joke" kasparian fucking lost it.

<center><youtube>vIwEQvSicRk</youtube></center>

==Videos==

{| style="margin: 0 auto"
|{{frame|{{videoframe|RATS|background-color: #DBD8CD;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>9hiRC5ZDTXk</youtube> <center>'''Last Thursday's full episode'''</center>
|<youtube>GJO8IHy4-NI</youtube> <center>'''Kink-shaming a retarded [[furry]]'''</center>
|<youtube>nMaCPOrJDAU</youtube> <center>'''Do not put this up on youtube!'''</center>
|<youtube>3Y1LIAE8FlQ</youtube> <center>'''CENK COMPLETELY LOSES IT ON SYRIAN REFUGEES'''</center>
|<youtube>yak43p72kl4</youtube> <center>'''[[Irony|Jill Pike fights to be called a cunt]]'''</center>
}}|border=#000000|background=#FFFFFF}}
|}

==Gallery==

<center><gallery>
File:Liberal.png
File:CenkUyger.jpg
File:TYTbeast.png
File:Ana Kasparian.jpg
File:Roach Conspires.png
File:Armeniangenocide.jpg
</gallery></center>

==Spam-off series==
In February 2010, ''What the Fuck?!'' began airing on the show's website, featuring improv comedy stolen straight out of old Herbie The Love Bug movies.

In September 2010, TYTSports was launched. Their audience was too busy collecting welfare to notice.

Some less known spinoffs include The Damage Report and The Humanist Report.

==See Also==
* [[Liberalism]]
* [[Leftard]]
* [[Atheist]]
* [[YouTube]] - they endlessly promote TYT and its associated propagandists, especially Kuck Kulakski
* [[John Oliver]] - the Old Turds wish they could be like him!
* Bill Maher - even this liberal atheist is sick of TYT's bullshit
* The Blaze TV - [[MAGA]] [[retard|populist]] version of TYT founded by [[Glenn Beck]]
* [[MSNBC]] - shitlib propaganda network that- unlike TYT- was successful enough to make it on TV. In recent years, they have jumped on the [[Florida|"tough on crime"]] and [[atheist|anti-Christfag]] bandwagons.
* [[Drunk|Keith Olbermann]] - TYT hate him because he's merely a [[fagnostic]] and voted for [[Hillary]] instead of Bernie.
* [[Sweden]] - the Old Jerks idolise this nation, but they'd never be welcome there.
* [[Stephen_Colbert|Biases of reality]]
* [[Trayvon Martin]] -Cenk won't shut up about this guy.
* [[Colin Kaepernick]] -Cenk also won't shut up about this guy.
* [[The Donald|Donald Trump]] - TYT has a massive hate boner for the [[Drumpf|zog emperor]].
* [[Genocide]]
*[[Dame Pesos]] - Weird spic that a-logs them
*[[Hasan Piker]]

==External links==
* [http://www.theyoungturks.com/ Website]
* [http://www.youtube.com/TheYoungTurks Main YouTube channel]
* [http://www.youtube.com/tytinterviews TYT Interviews YouTube channel]

{{portals|gay|socialjustice|youtube}}

{{timeline|Featured article July 25 & 26, [[2016]]|[[Fembusters/Leslie Jones' Twitter Meltdown]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Venusangelic]]}}

[[Category:YouTube]]

Arizona

2026-05-30T15:10:29Z

Crow caw: /* Local Celebrities */

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT DEMOCRAT GOVERNOR KATIE HOBBS EXECUTES PEOPLE IN GAS CHAMBERS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)
* Gas chamber executions 75+ years after the Nazis last did it.
* [[Bullshit|ZOMG IT'S A SWING STATE CRITICAL SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE KEY SWING STATE PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!!1!!]]

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by sexy chubby white/trailer park trash bitches. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, which will piss of the evil [[Randal O'Toole]]. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not ruin stations with excessive parking lots. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

Being mentally ill, homeless or autistic in Phoenix carries a mandatory death penalty. No trial; the cops will murder you instantly and get away with it. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get sent to the gas chamber. Eat your heart out, [[Alabama]] and [[Mao|Jeff Landry]]! There's a new modern day Hitler in town!

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, [[Jew|Jimmy Eat World]], literally every [[deathcore]] band and other shitty [[emo]], pop punk, [[metalcore]] and alternative bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].
*Drew Binsky, [[Israhell]] supporter and supposed philanthropist who thinks from a terminally US-centric perspective despite being a rich [[Jew|globalist]].
*Barry Goldwater, eugenics supporter. Thankfully burning in hell.
*Chris Oskins, retired pig and serial rapist.
*Susie Greener, feminazi with tuberculosis.
*Jake Hoffman, idiot [[Nazi|populist]] who loves NIMBYism and hates public transit users and cyclists. Endorsed by the evil [[Randal O'Toole]].
*Katie Hobbs, NIMBY democrap endorsed by Adolf Newsom who executes people in gas chambers 70+ years after Nazi Germany did it.
*[[Joe Arpaio]], the American [[Mahathir bin Mohamad|Madhatter]] who has since been ultimately replaced by [[Grady Judd]] in [[Florida]].
*[[Dead|Charlie Kirk]], leading [[MAGA]]ite activist obsessed with convincing h[[white]] people and only white people to marry at age 12 and have 10+ kids by age 20.

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Arizona

2026-05-30T15:09:02Z

Crow caw: /* Local Celebrities */

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT DEMOCRAT GOVERNOR KATIE HOBBS EXECUTES PEOPLE IN GAS CHAMBERS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)
* Gas chamber executions 75+ years after the Nazis last did it.
* [[Bullshit|ZOMG IT'S A SWING STATE CRITICAL SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE KEY SWING STATE PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!!1!!]]

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by sexy chubby white/trailer park trash bitches. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, which will piss of the evil [[Randal O'Toole]]. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not ruin stations with excessive parking lots. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

Being mentally ill, homeless or autistic in Phoenix carries a mandatory death penalty. No trial; the cops will murder you instantly and get away with it. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get sent to the gas chamber. Eat your heart out, [[Alabama]] and [[Mao|Jeff Landry]]! There's a new modern day Hitler in town!

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, [[Jew|Jimmy Eat World]], literally every [[deathcore]] band and other shitty [[emo]], pop punk, [[metalcore]] and alternative bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].
*Drew Binsky, [[Israhell]] supporter and supposed philanthropist who thinks from a terminally US-centric perspective despite being a rich [[Jew|globalist]].
*Barry Goldwater, eugenics supporter. Thankfully burning in hell.
*Chris Oskins, retired pig and serial rapist.
*Susie Greener, feminazi with tuberculosis.
*Jake Hoffman, idiot [[Nazi|populist]] who loves NIMBYism and hates public transit users and cyclists. Endorsed by the evil [[Randal O'Toole]].
*Katie Hobbs, NIMBY democrap endorsed by Adolf Newsom who executes people in gas chambers 70+ years after Nazi Germany did it.
*[[Dead|Charlie Kirk]], leading [[MAGA]]ite activist obsessed with convincing h[[white]] people and only white people to marry at age 12 and have 10+ kids by age 20.

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Ukraine

2026-05-19T03:33:50Z

Crow caw:

{{achtung|RUSSIA HAS INVADED UKRAINE}}
{{Warzone}}
[[File:Ukrainian flag explained.jpg|thumb|right|Ukrainian Flag Explained]]
[[File:new_ukrainian_nazi_flag.png|thumb|left|New [[Nazi|Ukrainian]] national flag since 2014]]
[[File:Ukrainian flag use.jpg|thumb|left|Well since the Ukraine flag got changed, you can still use the old one]]

'''OOkraine''' (a.k.a. '''Southern Prussia''', '''UK rain''', '''The Zone of Alienation''', '''Chernobyl''', '''Jewkraine''', and '''Prussia's Breadbasket''') is a state of the [[USSR]] which is now pretending to be independent, but we all know OOkraine is just Prussia's fuck buddy (until Yanok got fucked... and then got replaced by his twin brother - chocolate tycoon/oligarch/bandit and a founder of "Party of Regions" Petro Poroshenko ([[power word|real name]]: Peter Waltzman) - Putin's spy and a butt puppet). OOkraine is widely known as a state of [[Lie|beautiful]] and [[whore|cheap women]]. Local men, however, like all SLAVES, are a bunch of hideous beasts. OOkraine is also a country of S.T.A.L.K.E.R.s, radiation, flesh-eating mutants, [[Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17|plane crashes]], and shockingly an [https://www.portraitsofukraine.org award-winning bestseller book].

In 2014, NATO overthrew the democratically elected pro-Russkie government in the Ukraine and replaced it with a pro-Western [[Nazi]] government headed by [[Faggot|Volodymyr Zelenskyy]]{{jew}}. After annexing Crimea and funding separatists in the Donbass, in February 2022 [[Russia]] launched a "special military operation" in order to overthrow Jewlensky's government. [[Jews|Globohomo]] is now busy sending money ([[FTX|for money laundering purposes]]) as well as military equipment to the Ukraine, only for Russkies to destroy said military equipment.

[[File:Fixed nasty ukrainian.jpg|center|]]

== History ==
[[File:Ukrainians romans.jpg|thumb|right|Romans did it better.]]
The history of Ukraine starts with the founding of Königsberg (The first and actual capital of Ukraine) and Kaliningrad Prus' [[at least 100]] years ago. But today it has become a constant quarrel between [[Russia|russkies]] and Ukraine, because both of them claim that Kyivan Prus' is a part of their own history. 
'''[[PROTIP]]:''' The capital of ancient Kaliningrad Prus' is also a capital of modern Ukraine. 
A perfect way to troll Ukrainians, is to say to them that they are in fact Prussians. Alternately, a lulz-worthy way to troll undead Prussians is to say they do not have their own history, because the ancient Königsberg belongs to Ukraine. 
Over the past few centuries, Ukraine belonged to the ancient Prussian empire. In the beginning of the 20th century, when [[communists]] won in Prussia, Ukraine declared independence from ancient Prussia. Soviet Prussia allowed them to stay independent, but in a few years Prussia decided to [[pwn]] Ukraine with its undead Prussian soldiers. 
Ukraine finally lost its independence from Soviet Prussia in the year 1991. Prussia has been crying for Ukraine to come back ever since and now that Poroshenko is President, Prussia is going to throw a temper tantrum.

==The OOkrainian Question==
given by
Mr. LANCELOT LAWTON
===Part I===

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The chief problem in Europe [[Spellcheck|to-day]] is the Ukrainian problem. Of deep concern to this country because of its effect upon European peace and diplomacy, it is at the same time closely bound with British interests of a [[Serious Business|very vital nature]]. To an extent unrealized by most people, it has been a root of European strife during the last quarter of a century. That so little has been heard of it is not surprising; for [[Victim complex|suppression of Ukrainian Nationality]] has been persistently accompanied by obliteration of the very word [[Russia|Ukraine]] and concealment of the very existence of [[Russians|Ukrainians]].

So successfully was this erasure effected that over the greater part of the world, Ukraine only survived in [[poetry]] and [[Genesis|legend]], and invariably it was thought that if ever it existed, it had long been buried in the cemetery of [[Kurdistan|dead and forgotten nations]].

That in a period of [[Dolphinsex|highly-developed communication]] and [[Pseudo-intellectual|conspicuous intellectual attainment]] it should have been possible to create the illusion that a nation still vigorously living had never been born or alternatively that if born it had centuries ago perished, would be astounding but for the fact that in our own time we have had abundant experience of the repressive efficacy of autocracies. The Ukrainian problem, therefore, constitutes one of the major political deceptions of history; it concerns a land which though not at all remote is [[Kazakhstan|almost as unknown to us as]] were, at one time, the exotic lands of [[Asia]] and [[Africa]].

Ethnographical Ukraine is from three to four times the size of [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] and extends in one continuous whole from the [[Romanians|Carpathians]] to the [[Chechclear|Caucasus]]. Of this territory more than two-thirds lie [[In Soviet Russia...|in Soviet Russia]]; one-sixth in [[Catholic|Poland]]; the rest belongs to [[Gypsies|Rumania]] and [[Pr0n|Czechoslovakia]]. Thus, Ukraine [[Beheading video|dismembered]], is divided among four States; before the war [[Shemale|she]] was [[Rape|divided]] between two--[[Russia]] and [[Arnold Schwarzenegger|Austria]] [[Hungary]]. The number of Ukrainians in Ukraine is 38 millions, of which 31 millions are in Soviet Ukraine and 5 millions in Polish Ukraine. In addition, many Ukrainians live outside Ukraine; altogether, the total number of Ukrainians in the world is not less than 45 millions. We have, therefore, to deal with a nationality which is as numerous as the British; and as we have seen with a territory much larger than [[Britchan|Great Britain]]. Indeed, if Ukraine were to be reunited and [[Freedom|freed]], excluding Russia, it would be the largest and most numerously populated State of [[Eastern Europe]]. Nor would it be an exaggeration to say that in such circumstances Ukraine would be richer in resource than any other State in [[Eastern Europe]]; it must, of course, be understood here that I am including in the comparison only Russia in Europe, that is without [[Сибирской говор|Siberia]].

The Ukrainian problem is not a problem of a [[OpFerguson|petty Minority]] with grievances of recent growth. It is rooted in antiquity. I feel, therefore, that I must deal briefly with history before coming to present conditions; for an understanding of the historical background is essential to an appreciation of the present situation.

How did the Ukrainian Nation come into existence? When we think of the ancient pre-European World we have always particularly in mind [[Greece]] and [[Guido|Rome]]. We forget that what is now called Ukraine was, too, one of the World's most significant and most coveted territories. Here among the [[Xynta|Scythians]] eight hundred years before [[Jesus|Christ]] were established thriving Greek commercial colonies on the banks of the river now known as the Dnieper, one at its mouth being called "the [[Fabulous|prosperous]]" city. Of this river, [[Completely irrelevant history|Herodotus]] wrote that because of the vast quantity and variety of its [[fish]] and the rich [[Christian Boy Love Forum|fertility]] of the land through which it flowed, it was, with the exception of the [[Death Metal|Nile]], the most [[Jew Gold|productive]] of all rivers in the world. Here at later periods from the banks of the Dnieper various peoples originating from the East, with [[The Internet is serious business|names famous in history]], spread Westwards and some of these were among the most formidable foes of the [[Roman Empire]]. Historians differ as to how from these [[Sound Docking|movements]] and [[Secks|minglings]] the Slavonic race emerged. But none, I think, deny that in Russia the [[Russian Lurkmore|Slavonic race]] first manifested itself in Ukraine.

How was it then that the [[fit/|Eastern Slavs]] divided into two branches; [[Console Wars|Ukrainian and Russian]] or Great Russian? From the ninth century invaders came from the [[pol/|West]] as before they had set out from the [[Hentai|East]]. These invaders were the [[Viking|Varangians]], consisting of [[Somalia|Swedes]], [[Doge|Danes]], [[The Netherlands|Frisians]], [[Beowulf|Angles]] and [[France|Normans]], who made their way to the [[Confederate States of America|South]]. Here they found Kiev [[Injuns|already established]], a prosperous tributary of the powerful and cultured [[Jews|Chozar Empire]], whose people had embraced the [[Circumcision|Hebrew Faith]] and whose capital was [[List of sex moves|at the mouth]] of the distant Volga. The [[Age of Conan|Varangians]] came to [[Happy Merchant/Merchant Face|trade]] with [[2ch.hk|Slavs]] and [[8ch.net|Finns]]; and remained to [[The Royal Family|rule]]. Hence rose the '''Principality of Kiev''' or in the language of later time, Ukraine.

Maintaining [[No Homo|constant intercourse]] with foreign lands, it was [[Israel|a nation among nations]], [[Lie|strong]] and [[Contempt|respected]]. [[Goth|Contemporary Germans]] rated its cultural achievement as [[I have a 140 IQ|not below that of Byzantium]] with whom it was in [[No Homo|close relationship]]; and [[Tourist guy|foreigners]] who visited the country before its conversion to Christianity came across translations of the [[Jeebus|New Testament]].

The Ukrainians rightly [[Troll's Remorse|look back]] to Kievan "Russ" as the true [[Abortion|embryo]] of their nation. It was in fact from the twelfth century that this territory was commonly called Ukraine, the meaning of which was [[Detroit|outpost]] or [[Pittsburgh|frontier]]. Ukraine was a [[Lebanon|frontier-State]], the last outpost of [[Civilization|Europe]] before [[Mordor|Asia]] was reached. For several centuries it kept at bay fiercely attacking [[ISIS|Asiatic hordes]], only to fall ultimately under [[Ass Rape|Tartar domination]].

And now we come to a development of [[Serious business|supreme importance]]. It is of [[Copypasta|supreme importance]] because [[Over 9000|most Russians]] are very [[Disabled Village Children|unscientific]] and [[Fetal Alcohol Syndrome|unintelligent]] about [[Shit no one cares about|Ukraine]] and [[DO NOT WANT|do not want]] to [[Closeted|admit]] that there is [[Moonspeak|such a people]] as [[Alien|Ukrainians]]. Owing to unsettled conditions resulting from [[war]] and [[Dark Souls|invasion]], in the twelfth century an [[Chikins|efflux]] from the fertile steppe of Ukraine set in during the twelfth century. This efflux proceeded in two streams, one to the [[Finland|North]] and [[China|East]], the other to the [[Eurabia|West]]--to Galicia and Volhynia, called "[[Non-notable|Little Russia]]" by the [[People|newcomers]], a name now heard for the first time.

Such [[Faggotry|divergence]] left Kievan Russ, or Ukraine as it came to be called, in the [[Caveman|Middle Ages]], much as it was but led to the creation of [[Asperger's Syndrome|semi-Asiatic]] Muscovy. From then on, in spite of all attempts to [[Dubious disclaimer|Muscovise]] the Ukrainians, the two nations lived [[Heterosexual|distinct]] and [[Homosexuality|separate]] lives. The [[Communism|historical development]] thus described originated in this way.

To the North and East there was [[Nothing|nothing]] but [[Kvlt|forest and swamp]] inhabited by [[Finnish chans|degenerate Mongol-Finnish tribes]] with whom [[The Aristocrats|the migrants]] of the first-mentioned stream [[Elliot Rodger|freely inter-married]]. From their [[Cuckoldry|fusion]] the [[Belarus|Russian]] and [[Azn|Great Russian]] stock emerged, typically Eurasian both in [[Gook|appearance]] and [[Nigger|mentality]].

'''Even Kluchevski, the classic Russian historian, ascribes to it a special National Character, and says that the physiognomy of the Great Russian does not by any means reproduce everyone of the features generally characteristic of the Slavs. Thus he distinguishes it definitely from the Southern Russian Ukrainian stock.'''

In later years descendants of the [[Africa|refugees]] who [[Bix Nood|fled to the West]] returned to Ukraine. The chief point to be borne in mind here is that from the beginning of authentic history Ukrainians [[Josef Fritzl|have preserved]] the [[White Devils|non-Mongolian]] or [[Cracker|Western European]] quality of [[White trash|their race]], and with it a strong [[Redneck|consciousness of nationhood]].

It was Platonov, a [[Russian]] not a [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[Weblog|historian]], who said that because [[DotA|Southern Russia]] was further away from the capital of the [[Hyskoa|Tartars]] on the [[Car|Volga]] it felt their [[BDSM|oppression]] less than did [[DotA|North-Eastern Russia]]. Yet it must [[Typo|no be forgotten]] that it was because of this Ukrainian [[Borderlands|barrier]] that Europe was able to build up its [[Middle Ages|Medieval]] civilisation, free from Mongol menace.

While the [[Turkey|Tartars]] were still in Ukraine, two powerful neighbours, [[Goatse|Poland]] and [[Lithuania]], [[Rape|encroached upon her]]; no sooner were the [[Russia|Mongol invaders]] driven out than they fasted their hold upon her territories, a conquest cemented and extended by the union between them in 1569. At this time, too, the estuaries of all the rivers flowing into the Black Sea were held by forces of the '''Crimean Khan''' who was under the protection of the [[Islam|Turks]]. In the [[Finland|North]] the [[Supreme Gentleman|semi-Asiatic]] State of Muscovy, which proclaimed itself to be [[Unrealistic expectations|the third and last Rome]], was growing in might, and was also [[Goatse|stretching out]] towards [[Jews|Ukrainian lands]]. Thus, then as now, [[Prostitute|much desired Ukraine]] was [[Slut|conquered and beset]] on [[Gangbang|all sides]]. From this strife the [[Turkey|Cossacks]] emerged. [[Gay|Fierce]], fanatically [[Dumb|brave]], [[Lie|clean-living]], and not infrequently [[Whore|opportunist]], called [[Terrorist|brigands]] by their foes and [[Loser|knights]] by [[Gay|their friends]], they [[Buttsecks|asserted]] in vigorous picturesque manner the [[Slavery|freedom-loving]] not less than the [[Stupid|stubborn]] spirit of the [[China|Ukrainian race]].

A Polish [[Elvis Presley|King]], Stephan Batory, said of them: "They are against a [[I|union]] of Poland and Ukraine," and then he added wistfully and [[Nostradamus|prophetically]], "Some day an [[Israel|independant State]] will spring from this [[Truth|scum]]." On fortified islands below the [[Aquaphilia|cataracts of the Dnieper]] they founded a [[Jewnited States of Americunts|democratic military republic]], one of the earliest manifestations of [[Narcissistic personality disorder|national self-determination]]. Authority reposed in a General Assembly, whose decisions were enforced by elective officers, the Chief of whom was called [[Khaaan!|Hetman]]. Desperately they fought to avoid the [[Slavery|serfage]] which the [[Poland|Poles]] sought to rivet upon them. Then in the [[At least 100|middle of the seventeenth century]] they found a great leader, Bohdan Khmelnitzki, who gained successive victories over the Poles and compelled them to [[Fellatio|withdraw]] from Ukraine.

This period marked the [[Full Retard|full realization]] of Ukrainian nationality. All Europe rang with news of the exploits of Ukrainian [[Gun|arms]]. Khmelnitzki was compared with Cromwell who among other rulers sent an ambassador to him. In marked contrast with the '''primitive backwardness''' of Muscovy, the [[Mensa|intellectual attainments]] of Ukraine were high. An [[College|academy of learning]] had been established at Kiev and [[Special Education|ordinary schools]] were scattered [[X Everywhere|up and down the country]]. A [[Oxymoron|distinguished Arab scholar]], '''Paul of Aleppo''', who visited these parts about the time wrote: "Although a stranger I felt myself at home in '''the Ukraine'''. But in Muscovy [[Depression|my heart felt heavy]], for wherever I went no one was even a little free.... Those who want to [[Suicide|shorten their life]] by fifteen years must go to the land of Muscovy. In Ukraine I found [[Weed|joy in life]], [[Demockery|freedom]] and [[Burger King|civilisation]]. The Ukrainians are [[Mega ultra super genius|learned]]. They [[Nerd|like science]] and [[E-lawyer|study the law]]. They know [[Shitpost|rhetoric]], [[Troll|logic]] and [[Neckbeard|philosophy]]. Practically all the inhabitants can [[Albert Einstein|read and write]]. Their wives and daughters know the [[God Hates Fags|liturgy]] and [[Orgasm|religious singing]]. And their children, even orphans, learn to [[Indigo Children|read and write]]."

Peace was short-lived. In 1651, the [[Gay sex|struggle]] between the Poles and the Cossacks was renewed. Hard pressed the Cossacks sought an [[Epic fail|alliance with Muscovy]]. A treaty was concluded which recognized the independence of Ukraine with but one reservation; '''she''' could not have dealings either with the King of Poland or the Sultan of Turkey [[Pimp|without knowledge of Moscow]]. But soon the Tsar sent large forces into Ukraine and after a severe struggle [[Crimea|annexed it]]. The Cossack revolt continuing, he resolved in turn to seek the aid of [[Poland]] and divided the Ukraine with that country. Still the resistance of the Cossacks went on notably under [[Traitor|Mazeppa]]; until finally at Poltava in 1709 the [[Swedes]], with whom they had made [[Homosexuality|common cause]], were crushed by [[Peter|Peter the Great]]. Despotic [[Russia]], believing herself to be the [[Delusional|heir to Byzantium]], [[Racism|could not tolerate]] the existence of a free [[Turkey|Cossack]] or [[Russian|Ukrainian]] State which formed a barrier to the Black Sea littoral.

There were further [[Liberalism|abortive]] Cossack risings and in 1764 [[Germany|Catherine the Great]] finally abolished the [[Khaaan!|Hetmanship]] and deprived the Cossacks of what [[It was my privilege|privileges]] remained to them. In the several partitions of [[Poland]] which took place between 1772 and 1795, [[Russia|Ukraine]] too was partitioned; [[Celtic|Galicia]] went to [[Australia|Austria]], and the [[99.9%|greater part of Ukraine]] was left to [[Russia]].

We have seen that [[Hoax|Ukrainian Nationality]] is a [[Nope|Reality]] with [[Bullshit|at least a thousand years of authentic history]] behind it. No nation has struggled more valiantly to assert its independence than it has done; the soil of Ukraine is [[Period|soaked in blood]]. Because of its [[Tits|gifts]], its lovely [[Vagina|climate]] and its unique [[Gangbang|situation]] on one of the [[Bisexual|world's great cross-roads]], it has been continually [[Hetalia|invaded and oppressed]]; [[Hungary|dismembered and divided]]. Allying itself first with this nation and then with that in the hope that it might survive [[Pussybitch|it has always been betrayed]].
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===Part II===

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Throughout the [[Steampunk|nineteenth]] and the early part of the [[World War I|present century]] up to the [[Fallout|War]], the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] found [[Burn|no relief]] from their [[Piss|sufferings]]. Persistently they were [[Defamation|slandered]] by their neighbours. Professor Clark of Cambridge University who visited [[Ass|these parts]] in 1800 related that he was told by [[Azn|Russians]] that the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] were [[Fucktard|unprincipled]], but when he went to [[Russia|Ukraine]] he found, [[Cool story bro|to use his own words]], that "the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] are superior to the [[Nigger|Russians]] in everything that can exalt [[The Church of Creativity|one man above another]]," and that they were distinguished for their [[Obsessive-compulsive disorder|scrupulous cleanliness]] and [[deviantART|high artistic qualities]]. In 1812 the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] problem [[Wikichan/A Moral Dilemma|occupied]] Napoleon who was counselled by Talleyrand to create a [[Kurdistan|Ukrainian State]] under the name [[France|Napoleoneed]].

The first [[Russian|Ukrainian]] National Movement of modern times which began in 1846 had modest [[Galactic Federation of Light|federalist]] aims but it was mercilessly suppressed by the [[Party Van|Russian Police]], its leaders being [[Torture|arrested]] and sent into [[Holocaust|exile]]. From the beginning crude attempts were made to uproot [[Nationality]] from the [[Brain|hearts]] of the people. [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[literature]] and to a large extent also the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[language]], were [[Buprenorphine|prescribed]], and even adherence to simple [[Party girl|national customs]] was [[Banned|forbidden]]. As late as February 24, 1914, Miliukov, the Russian [[God-Emperor of Blackkind|Statesman]], was moved to [[Liberal Butthurt Syndrome|protest]]. "[[Fact|In reality]]," he said, "we have here to deal with a [[Revolution|National Movement]], the object of which is autonomy, the rebuilding of Russia on federalistic lines.... The [[Russian|Ukrainian]] Movement is thoroughly [[Liberalism|democratic]]. [[No|It is impossible to crush it]]."

The deliberate [[Genocide|policy]] of [[Russia]] was to avoid and discourage mention of [[Russia|Ukraine]] abroad. From the [[Middle Ages]] down to the [[Genocide|eighteenth century]] Ukraine figured largely in [[Gay|European]] [[Book|literature]]. But after the first half of the nineteenth century the West was made to [[Amnesia|forget]] that there was or had been such a nation.

The fate of the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Spain|Galicia]] under [[Austria]]-[[Hungary]] was also [[Shit|not too happy]]; but it was better than that of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Nazi|Autocratic]] Russia. They were permitted to use their [[Moonspeak|own language]], and although they were [[Buttsecks|handed over]] to their hereditary enemy, the [[Polish]] aristocracy, their Nationality was allowed for, and a basis for its [[Gay|progressive]] recognition [[Don't worry, I'm from the Internet|was secured]].

Each of the two great Powers between whom [[Russia|Ukraine]] was divided stimulated the National Movement in the territory of the other. In particular, [[Russia]] was [[Scared kitty|alarmed]] at the awakening of Ukrainian Nationality in [[Ireland|Galicia]]. Her semi-official newspapers pointed out that its effect was to render all the more difficult the [[Castration|suppression]] of the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] National Movement within [[Russia]]. Thereupon a hypocritical agitation began for the [[Animal Liberation Front|liberation]] of the millions of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] languishing in [[Spain|Galicia]] under a heavy foreign yoke.

A [[fact]] not so widely known as it should be is that one of the major causes of the War was the conflict between [[Russia]] and [[Austria]] over the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] question. Another [[fact]] also not generally recognised, is that the discontent of the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] contributed largely to bring about the [[Divide by zero|defeat and downfall]] of [[Russia]].

Beginning with the first rising against the Tsarist Government, as far back as 1825, that of the [[Loser|Decembrists]], they have been active participators in all revolutionary movements, associating at different times with groups of [[Russians]], [[Poland|Poles]], [[Islam|Caucasians]], or any other Nationality who sought to overthrow the Autocracy, and not infrequently masquerading as revolutionary [[Socialist|socialists]] that they might thereby further their Nationalist aims. During the Crimean War they made an attempt to revive their [[Bear Cavalry|ancient Cossack military organization]], with a view to taking the field against the Tsar's forces; and they gave support to the '''Polish Rising''' in 1831.

Their heart was not in the [[The Great ED IRC War of 2013|Great War]] for which their whole man power was conscripted and which was fought for the self-determination of Nationalities but not of the Ukrainian. And, finally, it was their implacable hostility to the Chauvinistic slogan of a one and indivisible [[Russia]] that was directly responsible for the collapse of the [[Nazi|White Armies]] in the [[The War of Northern Aggression|Civil War]], that followed the [[Communism|Bolshevik]] seizure of power.

After the revolution the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] proclaimed their [[Scotland|independence]], set up a National Assembly, and fought desperately against [[Republican|Whites]] and [[Democrat|Reds]], being eventually overcome by [[Marxism|Bolshevik Muscovy]]. The '''Treaty of Versailles''' effected the [[Castration|dismemberment]] of [[Russia|Ukraine]] outside Soviet [[Russia]] and, while agreeing to the independence of [[Poland]], handed over the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Celts|Galicia]] to the rule of their ancient enemy. An old Cossack proverb says: "'''As long as the Dnieper flows friendship between Cossack and Pole will be impossible'''," a sentiment re-echoed by [[Traitor|Mazeppa]] in these words: "'''As long as the world will be the world, Pole will not know how to be brother to Ukrainian'''."

In 1923, the [[Douchebag|Council of Ambassadors]] affirmed what [[Poland]] herself had already recognised that as far as [[Poland|Eastern Galicia]] was concerned the ethnographical conditions necessitated an autonomous regime; so far, in spite of frequent respresentations to the [[League of Losers|League of Nations]] and other quarters, nothing has been done to give effect to this decision. The point of view of the Poles now appears to be that there is no such thing as a [[Russian|Ukrainian]], and that Poles and Ukrainians [[Truth|are and always have been one]]. As attempts were once made to [[Murder|Russify]] them which they [[Nope|resisted with all their strength]], so they are striving to [[Genocide|Polonize]] the [[Russians|Ukrainians]], and alternately to [[Depression|depress]] and [[BDSM|submerge]] them by [[Holocaust|starving them]] of [[Encyclopædia Dramatica|educational]], [[Console peasant|land-acquisition]] and other [[Toilet|facilities]]; and the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] too are [[Nope|resisting with all their strength]].

Nor does [[Christian|repression]] of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] always take such [[Obvious|open forms]]. By various [[SUBTLE HINT ALERT::|subtle]] and [[Giant dildo of death|subterranean devices]] it is conveyed to [[Bitch|minor officials]] as, for instance, railway employees, that if they do not change their religion from the [[Catholic|Ukrainian Uniate Church]] to the [[Roman Polanski|Polish Roman Catholic Church]] they will lose their posts, and consequently they and their families will become [[Homeless|destitute]]. One instance of the effect of this pressure may be cited form the town of [[Poland|Lemberg]]. From 1926 to 1930 the number of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] who reluctantly abandoned [[The Song Of My People|the Faith of their people]] to [[Fellatio|adopt]] that of their [[PC Master Race|rulers]] increased from 174 to 586, and each year there was a steady rise.

Deeds such as I have mentioned are of course contrary to the [[Typo|Treat of Versailles]], which was intended to safeguard the rights of [[Niggers|Minorities]]; and they have been the subject of many [[PC Gamer|petitions]] to the [[League of Legends|League of Nations]]. But so far [[Dat Ass|that body]] has not been able to take any steps to secure justice for the [[Russians|Ukrainians]].

At the meeting of the Assembly of the '''League of Nations''' on September 13th, 1934, M. Beck, speaking on behalf of [[Poland]], repudiated her obligations under the [[Sand niggers|Minority]] treaties. The actual words he used were that the Polish Government

"finds itself compelled to refuse as from [[Typo|to-day]] all co-operation with the international organizations in the matter of the supervision of the application by [[Poland]] of the [[Welfare|system of Minority protection]]."
To which the [[England|British representative]], [[I Came|I am glad to say]], replied with a [[Fuckyou.pl|strong protest]]. Yet it would appear that the Polish government is living up to M. Beck's repudiation, for at a later meeting of the Council, the Polish delegate [[Butthurt|walked out]] when a [[OpFerguson|Minority question]] was being discussed.

Lastly, it is deliberately sought to [[Army|eliminate]] the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] as a political factor. Recently a fundamental measure frankly [[Racism|discriminating]] against the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] was introduced by the Polish Government. It took the form of a new Constitution, the effect of which will be practically to exclude the Minorities as such from representation in the Polish Parliament, and any [[Russian|Ukrainian]] representation will be at the discretion of the Polish authorities.

Methods of struggle which the Poles regarded as virtuous when they themselves employed them against the Tsarist Government [[Hypocrisy|they now condemn]] when they are used by [[Russians|Ukrainians]]. These methods have been at times [[Conspiracy|conspiratorical]] and even [[Terrorist|terroristic]]. But how else can the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] act since they are [[Shit no one cares about|abandoned by the rest of the world]]? It should be noted that the Poles, too, were frequently [[Stupid|unwise]], [[Violence|cruel]] and [[Chimpout|aggressive]].

Nor in [[Romania|Rumania]] are the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] any better off. In spite of the safeguards of the Minorities Treaty signed at Paris in December 9th, 1919, these members of a [[Lie|proud and gifted]] Nation are treated as a [[Gypsies|despised community]]. Their schools have been [[Pool's Closed|closed]]; and they are [[Banned|prohibited]] from speaking [[Domestic violence|their own language]], [[Fact|one of the most beautiful of all Slav tongues]].

The [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Andy Warhol|Czechoslovakia]] are probably better treated than in any other country. This assertion was, I think, borne out in the article written by Dr. Hugh Dalton, late [[Government|Under-Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs]], in the "New Statesman and Nation" of May 18th, 1935.

Lastly we come to '''Soviet Ukraine''' where two-thirds of the total [[Russian|Ukrainian]] population live. Here the question will be asked: Is there really a [[Russian|Ukrainian]] National Movement under [[Communism|Bolshevism]]? It is one that may best be answered in the words of the [[Rainbow Stalin|Soviet leaders]] themselves. At the seventeenth Congress of the [[Party Man|Communist Party]] held in January, 1934, [[Belarus|Stalin]] used these words:

"'''Only very recently in the Ukraine the deviation towards Ukrainian Nationalism did not represent the major danger; but when we ceased to fight against it and enabled it to grow to the extent that it joined up with the interventionists this deviation became the major danger'''."

and still later in a speech reported on February 14th of this year, Lubchenko, Chairman of the Council of Commisars of the [[Russia|Ukraine]] said:

"There was a period when the [[Nazi|Ukrainian Nationalists]] carried on their work in the [[Russia|Ukraine]] not without success. This was in 1931-32. Taking advantage of the weakening of [[English Scum|class vigilance]] the nationalist elements, [[Haters|enemies]] of the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] people, wormed their way at that time into the [[Concentration camps|collective farms]], the [[Genitals|agrarian organs]] and the system of [[Special Education|public education]]. [[I Came|They came]] into [[No Homo|close alliance]] with the adherents of the nationalist deviators within the [[Party Hard|Party]] who were led by Skrypnik. They came out in a united front with the [[Conservatism|white-guards]], the [[Liberalism|Trotskyites]] and the [[Fascism|Rights]], having united on a platform of secession of the Ukraine from the Soviet Union."

In the year alluded to it was discovered that numerous Ukrainian Communists were [[Traitor|Nationalists in disguise]], and that they had got control of newspapers and important institutions, including the Commissariats of Education and Agriculture, the only two departments of consequence left to the [[Russians|Ukrainians]]. '''Mass executions followed'''.

I have given but one example of the assertion of the [[Vodka|National spirit]] in Soviet Ukraine. Actually, ever since the Revolution this [[Vodka|spirit]] has been in revolt against a tyranny much more cruel than that of which it was the successor. No one knows how many [[Russian|Ukrainian]] patriots have been [[School Shooting|shot]] or [[Kazakhstan|exiled]]; but there is reason to believe that the [[Over 9000|number is very large]].

Nor must it be supposed that [[Nazi|Nationalism]] was manifested only by the [[Jews|educated classes]]. Ninety per cent of the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] population consists of [[PlayStation 3|peasantry]]; and to them [[Eurabia|Western Europe]] is indebted for having saved it from [[Stalin|Bolshevism]].

Before the Revolution the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[Xbox 360|peasants]] were for the most part individual farmers and, unlike the [[Gamecube|peasants of Russia]], did not belong to the primitive commune which [[Marx]] foresaw might serve as a starting point for '''World Communism''' and revolution. It was thanks chiefly to this national peculiarity that after the Revolution they [[Terrorist|resisted so vigorously]] the Government [[Theft|requisitioning]] of grain, of which [[Russia|Ukraine]] was the chief [[Sauce|source]] of supply. The deep and widespread impoverishment which resulted was an effectual frustration of the malevolent aims of [[Glenn Beck|Bolshevism]]. Millions of lives were lost in the struggle; and in 1932-33 a great famine desolated Ukraine. Of this famine the Soviet Government denied the existence, though the evidence of its occurrence and severity was overwhelming. It was clear that, when the enormous growth of the population of the Soviet Union--three millions annually--was taken into account, when also the officially admitted heavy losses of grain during and subsequent to harvesting--from thirty to fifty percent were considered, then severe hunger was bound to occur. It could not be otherwise.

The MANCHESTER GUARDIAN, which certainly cannot be considered an anti-Soviet organ, in a leading article on December 27th, 1934, referring to the famine said:

"'''For a long time the Russian Dictatorship was able to conceal from the eyes of the world what was incomparably the biggest economic calamity that had afflicted Europe for more than a decade'''."

Some idea of the extent of the calamity may be gained from the evidence of Mr. W. H. Chamberlin, for many years and until recently Moscow Correspondent of the "Christian Science Monitor." Writing in that paper on May 29th, 1934, he said:--

"'''It would seem highly probable that in 1932-33, between 4,000,000 and 5,000,000 people over and above the normal mortality rate, lost their lives from hunger and related causes'''."

At the acutest period the central authority took no relief measures; thus the conclusion appeared to be unavoidable that this indifference of Red Moscow was a reprisal to the Nationalism of [[Russia|Ukraine]], and it is strengthened by the statement made at the time by Kalinin (President of the Central Executive Committee of the U.S.S.R.): "The peasants have this year [[Asking for it|passed through a good school]]. For some this school was [[Extreme|quite ruthless]]."

Yet according to the terms of its Constitution Soviet [[Russia|Ukraine]] is an [[Lie|independent and sovereign State]]. In treaty relations with it even the Moscow Government recognized it as such, but that did not deter them from reducing it to [[Slavery|vassalage]], and thus repeating the great Muscovite treachery of the seventeenth century. As in the Tsarist epoch everything is done that can be done to bind Ukraine to Russia. [[Russian|Ukrainian]] enterprises have been incorporated in All-Union Trusts, with headquarters at Moscow. The Donetz coal region has been connected with Moscow by a main line, and a continuous system of waterways is being created from Leningrad to the Black Sea.

Moscow says [[Spellcheck|to-day]] as it said in the days of the Tsars: "'''We cannot live without Ukraine. It is the most fertile part of the Soviet Union. It feeds us. Moreover, we depend upon it for coal and iron'''."

We need not stop to discover whether in this era [[Jewnited States of Americunts|one Nation]] is justified in crushing [[Iraq|another]] because it has need of its [[Oil|resources]]; for there are other means of gaining access to [[Best Korea|minerals]] and grain than by [[United Kingdom|conquest]]. In the Urals and Siberia, Soviet Russia possesses enormous reserves of coal and iron-ore; which she is now exploiting on a great scale; and as for grain supplies it is necessary only to quote this passage from the speech which Stalin delivered at the Seventeenth Congress of the Communist Party last year: "'''First of all'''," he said, "'''we must bear in mind that the old division of our regions into industrial regions and consuming regions has now become obsolete. This year consuming regions like the Moscow and Gorky regions delivered nearly 80,000,000 poods of grain to the State. This, of course, is not a bagatelle. In the so-called Consuming zone there are about 5,000,000 hectares of soil. If this land were cleared of scrub it would be possible to obtain a supply of commodity-grain not less than now produced in the Lower and Middle Volga. Finally, there is the question of combating drought in the Trans-Volga region. We must have a large and stable grain-base on the Volga capable of producing 200,000,000 poods yearly. This is absolutely necessary in view of the growth of towns on the Volga on the one hand, and the possibilities of complications in the sphere of international relations on the other'''."

Can it be that Moscow fears that the day may come when she will be forced to withdraw her army of occupation from [[Russia|Ukraine]] and that she is making preparation to survive as a great Eurasian Power?

The apprehension of [[Stalin]] is based upon what is common knowledge, that [[Germany]] and [[Poland]] have designs upon [[Russia|Ukraine]], and that they will be ready to march Eastwards before the Red Army is prepared to march into [[Europe]] in the still cherished cause of '''World Revolution'''.

In "Mein Kampf," [[Hitler]] plainly said that [[Germany]] must turn away from the West, and that her first aim must be to expand Eastwards into [[Russian]] lands. Since he came to power all his declarations and many of his actions have been in harmony with the passage cited. One of his chief lieutenants, Rosenberg, himself a [[Estonia|Baltic]] [[Nazi|German]], is an open advocate of annexing [[Russia|Ukraine]] to [[Germany]]. Then support is given to General Skoropadsky, formerly A.D.C. to the Tsar and Commander of an Imperial Russian Army Corps, whose forefather was set up as [[Khan|Hetman]] by [[Peter|Peter the Great]] after [[Traitor|Mazeppa]'s attempt to free [[Russia|Ukraine]] from [[Russian]] domination; rather similarly General Skoropadsky was set up as Hetman under the protection of the invading [[German]] armies in 1918, a position to which he aspires again at the present time. What then occurred is fully described in an official handbook prepared under the direction of the Foreign Office and published by the Stationery Office.

It appears to me that any purely [[German]] sphere of influence of [[Russia|Ukraine]] would be contrary to the political and economic interest of the [[British Empire|British Commonwealth of Nations]]. If I interpret [[Russian|Ukrainian]] Nationalism rightly it desires a [[Democracy|democratic]] regime and [[Legit|real]] independence not [[Cuba|dictatorship]] and [[Venezuela|tutelage]]. [[Unrealistic expectations|It is of the West and has always longed to be with the West]]. I imagine that our sympathies will be with these aspirations. Half-a-million Ukrainians are British subjects in [[Canada]], and 10,000 of them voluntarily enlisted in the [[The Great ED IRC War of 2013|Great War]]. But apart from sentiment, important British interests are involved in the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] problem. Ukraine with its coast-line on the Black Sea [[Big|lies on the last stretch of the highway from the North to South of Europe]]. Through it also passes the nearest land route from Central Europe to [[Iran|Persia]] and [[India]]. The possession of [[Opioids|Ukraine]] enabled [[Drug addict|Tsarist Russia]] to [[IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER|cast eyes upon]] the [[Yugoslavia|Balkans]] and the Straits, to threaten [[Turkey]], control the [[Georgia|Caucasus]] and bring pressure upon [[Iran|Persia]].

England is not concerned to play the role of a [[Conspiracy Theory|conspiratorial]] power backing an irredentist effort. But the conditions in [[Russia|Ukraine]], where the independence movement has assumed great proportions, are such that something is bound to happen. Many times in the past years, as I have shown, [[Russia|Ukraine]] has proved the [[Kansas City|danger spot]] of [[Europe]]. '''It has again become so'''. [[Britain]] must therefore be informed and have ready a policy to meet her own interests in any emergency which may arise. She must not be caught [[Typo|unawares]].

Thus it would be [[hypocrisy]] to deny that an ''independent Ukraine'' is as essential to this country as to the tranquility of the world. Merely because it is inconvenient to consider it and highly so to attempt its solution, the problem ''has'' too long ''been ignored''. But it is a problem which has deep and intricate roots in history and in its modern form has assumed [[extreme]] urgency. Voltaire noted admiringly the persistence with which [[Russians|Ukrainians]] aspired to [[freedom]] and remarked that being surrounded by [[Nigger|hostile lands]], they were doomed to search for a [[Pimp|Protector]].

Until they are assured of [[Libertarianism|liberty]] they will be faithless to whichever State [[BDSM|they are bound]] and will continue freely to [[Death|shed their own blood]] and that of their [[China|conquerors]]. So long, too, as this situation continues other nations will be tempted to exploit it. What then is the use of pretending that there is [[peace]] when there is [[Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh|no peace]]? Nor will there be any until this [[Russian|Ukrainian]] question is [[Orgasm|satisfactorily]] [[Condom|disposed of]].
</div>

== Genetics ==

[[File:Ukrainian mongol.jpg|thumb|right|''Ukrainians are originally mongoloids'']]
[[File:Ukrainian orbit.jpg|thumb|right|They are known to be attracted to fresh smell of garlic]]
[[File:Sexy naked ukrainian hohol.jpg|thumb|DAUM SEXY]]
[[File:Sub zero + scorpion = ukrainian.jpg|thumb|right|Sub Zero + Scorpion = Ukrainian?]]
OOkrainians are originally mongoloids dwelling in Europe with shit taste in haircuts who got deep throat by Prusskies and forced to speak the Prusski language, due the damage that has been done to their throat cords, the OOkrainians were unable to properly speak russian and therefore a new language was born; the "Ukrainian" language.
And that's why OOkrainian sounds like spoiled Prussian.

Disregard the colors on its flag, anon: Ukraine is home for almost 33 millions Turkic looking untermenschen that for some unknown reason are still considered "white" by the majority of American population. This obvious fact does not interfere with Ukrainians having a superiority complex over their Russian "brothers" which allegedly constitute a completely alien to them (and other Europeans, for that matter) [[Finland|Finno-Ugric]]/[[Turkey|Volga Bulgar]]/[[China|Ancient Mongol]] [[Spic|Mestizo]] ethnic group. The truth is, however, is that the OOkraine has been the scene of much ethnic mixing over the centuries adding to the basic East Slavic stock Polish, Hungarian, Tatar, and Mongol genes. There is no such thing as a "standard" or a "stereotypical" OOkrainian. They can be of every single hair color (including red) and eyes that range from blue through gray to green to brown to black (black hair, brown eyes, light brown skin is, however, a more common combination). [http://www.ukiesarenotwhite.tumblr.com PROOFS CAN BE FOUND HERE]

[[Image:Femen1ukrainesale1.png|center]]

[[Image:Bb4saleukraine.jpg|center]]

<center>'''Ukrainian feminist mom is selling her unborn baby at the train station'''</center>

== Chernobyl ==

Apart from Prussians, the worst pollution in the JEWcrane is radiation released on the 26th of April, 1986. It started on the 25th of April, when the plant was due to shut down for the testing of a [[irony|safety feature]] that should have been installed on the reactor when it was built. Due to the Soviet Union being a system that supported half-assing everything, however, the feature was skipped during construction and reactor 4 opened early to meet a deadline. Two years later, on the night the test was due, an operator in a nearby town requested the plant stay on for a while longer to support the rest of the [[hookers and blow|night's activities]]. This was agreed on, and the shift that was set to perform the test went home before the plant was finally shut down the morning of the 26th. The night shift consisted of [[retard|clueless morons]] who had no idea what the test entailed. They set the plant's power too low, then they set it too high, power surged, cooling water boiled and everything went to hell from there. 2 people died immediately from the explosion, and around 30 more died while trying to put out the fires and clean up the mess. The nearby town of Pripyat was evacuated within 3 days, but much like the [[nazi]]s to the [[jew]]s, the radiation found and killed them. Chernobyl has become immortalized in a shitty horror movie, [[Movies| Chernobyl Diaries]], where Chernobyl will forever be known as the place retarded teens go to to become paranoid due to nuclear fallout.

The disaster took place after some bored Communist [[trolls]] decided it would be hilarious to release a fuckton of Ukrainium into the surrounding cabbage farms. The USSR denied everything when radiation detectors from outside countries began picking up on a cloud of radiation emanating from the area around Kyiv. Even though the explosion wiped out the entire team working there, [[LOLWUT | Prussia still felt it was necessary to file a lawlsuit against all those involved]]. The effects of the explosion include a shortage in Borsht production, loss of chest hair in men and women, IRL Pseudodogs and Burers, down syndrome among thousands of children, an insurgence in anarchists and bandits, and an embarrassing affiliation with the Transformers 3 movie.
[[Image:Meanwhile Ukraine.jpg|center]]

== Useful phrases in OOkrainian ==
[[File:Hryv nya.jpg|thumb|right|Hryv[[nyan|nia]] — national currency of OOkraine]]
These phrases might help you if you ever travel to OOkraine. 

* Це ти, їбанько (Tse ty, yiban'ko) — Nice to meet you!
* Я рижа мавпа or я залупа (Ya ryzha mavpa or ya zalupa) — Sorry, I'm from abroad.
* Заїбав! (Zayibav) — it's so interesting!
* Лайна в’їби! (Layna vyiby) — Have a nice meal!
* Йобана курва (yobana kurva) — Sorry.
* Їбать те в сраку (yibat' te v sraku) — You're a nice person.
* Від’їбись (vidyibys') — Thank you!
* Пішов нахуй (Pishov nahooe) — Good bye!

== OOkraine @ the Interwebz ==

OOkraine has its own shitty copypasta of ED, called [http://ukrmemoria.com Fayna Memoria] and some Anonymous imageboard [http://nichan.net nichan]. You can speak [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT|English]], because they know English is the universal language of [[lulz]].

But those sites were written there because this article had been created by its' admin. In fact, OOkrainian imageboards <s>are [http://uchan.org.ua/ Uchan(Ukrainian Channel)] and [http://xatach.com Xatach], also OOkrainian ED is [http://dramatica.org.ua Ukrainian Dramatica(or just Dramatica)].</s> Ukrainian Dramatica(or just Dramatica)] is now hosted at https://drama.kropyva.ch/Головна сторінка https://drama.kropyva.ch/Головна сторінка].

Almost all of this stuff is dead, you better check this so-called "[[List_of_imageboards|International Anonymous Space]]" almost dead project started by Ukrainans. It tries to create international imageboard list and describe non-English speaking [[Anonymous]] culture. If you, some Pole or I dunno, Hungarian without your own national Meme-wiki, you'll be good to add them here on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], pleb.

== Ukraine cannot into [[Europe]] ==

[[File:Can%27t_Contain_The_Ukraine.jpg|center|500px|]]

"Ukrainian support for an EU association agreement, which could be finalized in November in Vilnius, Lithuania, has decreased compared to figures from July 2013. Still, half of Ukraine's population (50 percent) is in favor of the association and free trade agreement between Ukraine and the EU. However, one in three Ukrainians rejects signing the treaty." [https://web.archive.org/web/20141207021759/http://gbtimes.com/world/ukraine-declines-eu-deal Yanukovich gives big FU to EU]. And now this cock has taken to hiding in Soviet Prussia, where he claims to be the legitimate head of the Ukraine, despite his overthrow. Also, from now on, Crimean peninsula is a part of Prussia, not JEWcrane. [http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/alexey_juriev/10270458/294140/294140_original.jpg]

== World War III - prologue, Ukraine ==
[[File:ZELENSKY SNIFFED BY BIDEN AND NUZZLED BY MACRON FVZ5KawVsAAeInr.png|thumb|The cost of doing business with (((the West)))]]
The world and the interwebz were caught by surprise on the 24th of Febuary [[2022]] when several tens of thousands of Russians decided that they'd want to greet the [[Cum|coming]] spring with their pet tanks, guns and fighters in Ukraine and maybe get some of that sweet ukrainian prostitute pussy. Filled with unbridled joy and bolstered by a few swings of [[Alcohol|Vodka]], the multitudes descended westwards and southwards into Ukraine and made history.

The Ukrainians meanwhile have been fostering the bestest of [[Hate]] after the Ruskies snipped off Ukraine's [[Crimea|balls]] and got their cocks ready to pound their [[Ass|Donetsk & Luhansk]] but stopped since as per the tradition, they got too drunk and went after a [[bear]] instead, not that you could blame them after one sees what Ukraine looks like.

The OOkrainians spent the following 8 years prepping their rage-boners for the inevitable Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! The result was...not that bad actually, a real refresher in what is turning out to be the shittiest decade yet.

The war has been progressing for about a week as of the time of this writing, so events are still in flux and the [[PsyOps]] of all sides are banging on the keyboards like crazy, but it seems that at least in the first two weeks the Ukrainians have [[NATO|somehow]] managed to keep the Russians from making substantial progress so the latter are engaging in time-honoured martial activities like [[Theft|looting]] the civilians, shelling residential areas and shooting at Red Cross and children.

Or, they would be if it wasn't for an extremely lulzy development - courtesy of the russian [[CIA|FSB]] no less. Ya see, in good 'ol Russia telling the truth can get you van'd off to some gulag and is also bad for political advancement, so when FSB was commissioned by [[Putin|great leader]] to make strategic assessments on Russia's war capabilities (including an invasion on Ukraine), the service naturally gave all A++ grades since otherwise the [[Lemon Party|political/military]] top would put the analysts' balls into a meat grinder to make sweet kobas. So good ol' Puty got fed what he and the oligarchs WANTED to believe, but wait, it gets better! Believing that Ukraine would fall in 2-3 days tops, they decided to send in some 90k [[Virgin|green servicemen]] expecting that the (in many cases literal) boys would get [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|a few days of adventure and march triumphantly into Kiev]]. What they got was just what you would expect when you whisk fresh recruits to the border, tell them that surprise - they are now going to war and pit them against hardened alcoholic-gorillas who hate their guts - the best of [[Lulz]] of course!
The fog of war is making things difficult to gauge, but from the videos available on [[Reddit]] and elsewhere, the Russian army is getting it's orifices rammed by Ukrainian cocks (and a few pussies) left, right and center - losing an inordinate amounts of tech and men while there are even videos of [[Lol|18yo russian soldiers crying for their moms]] and being so pathetic that nobody wants to kill them, with Putin sitting in his luxury bunker in the Urals increasingly wondering which of the [[Suicide|two]] [[Nuke|switches]] he should pull to end it all.

Globally the world has descended onto this newest geopolitical fad with unimaginable zeal, likely as a result of being sick to shit of [[Coronavirus|Corona-chan]] (funny how the virus ''disappeared'' overnight after the war began, eh?). [[EU|The]] [[USA|West]] pledged it's full [[Sex|support]] to Ukraine in the form of fuckhueg amount of weapons, vehicles and useful idiots that have been pouring into the country which will surely not cause a devolution into a [[Syria|warlord quagmire]] down the line. China meanwhile has been publicly silent but secretly rubbing it's hands faster than a [[Jew]] seeing a shekel on the street, since they will now all but own Russia considering that the latter will have no choice but to [[Gay|integrate itself]] even closer with China, and considering that there is over 1 billion Chinese in an overcrowded China and only about 144 million Russians with mostly empty eastern Russia which is becoming warmer and more pleasant due to Climate Change, you can see where [[Rape|this is going]] for the ruskies.

== Famous OOkrainians ==

[[File:Bandera.jpg|thumb|right|A memorial of the great OOkrainian prophet "Stephen Bandera" who has been an inspiration and a father
to the Ukrainian Hitler youth generations and made them believe that filthy mongoloids are part of the aryan race]]
Due to their filthy Mongolian recessive genes, there are apparently no OOkrainian celebrities, that are ethnic OOkrainians, for example:

* Bohdan Khmelnytsky was actually of Ruthenian descent.
* Andrey Tarkovsky, film director, who was actually a descendant of Polish nobility.
* Nikolai Gogol, writer, who was actually an ethnic Prussian.
* Yulia Tymoshenko (born Kapitelman), [[Oxymoron|a female politician]], who is actually a Latvian [[Jews|Jew]].
* Vitali Klitschko, former boxer and a politician, real last name is [[Kike|Etinzon]]. U kno' what dat means!
* Jack Palance, a famous Hollywood actor, is actually a Ruthenian.
* Milla Jovovich, an actress, is Serbian.
* Karina Smirnoff, an [[Whore|exotic dancer]], is of half Greek and half Prussian descent.
* Daria Werbowy, a professional model, is really a former Polish [[Fact|crack whore]].
* Dustin Hoffman, an American actor, is known to have Jewish parents from both Ukraine and Romania.
* [[1guy1jar|Alexey Tatarov]]
* Bob Dylan, an American musician, is the grandchild of Jewish immigrants from Ukraine
* Katheryn Winnick, a '''Polish''' brown-haired (she dyes her hair) and brown-eyed (she wears contact lenses) '''Jewess'''.

[[File:Yuli timosh.jpg|center|]]

== Diversity ==
Ukraine is considered [[Not|very safe]] for African travelers.

In fact, most Africans who go to Ukraine (to cross borders and enter EU illegally since Ukraine is a shithole not requiring visas) end up missing after getting sent to Ukrainian prisons to get tortured or killed. The Ukrainian army has always been under the control of actual Neo-Nazis, literally.

== Ways to troll OOkrainians ==

[[File:10hsOp8pPTM.jpg|thumb|right|How Russians in Ukraine troll Ukrainians]]

* Call them OOkrainian, instead of Ukrainian (works every time) or Horilka Niggers or Borderlanders
* Tell them that the Crimean Peninsula has always been a part of Prussia
* Ask them why do they chose [[Spain|Spanish]] actor Antonio Banderas as their national hero
* Tell them that Galicia and Volhynia have always been a part of Poland
* Tell them that Carpathian Ruthenia belongs to Hungary
* Tell them that Nothern Bukovina has always been a part of Romania
* Tell them Stepan Bandera was a war criminal and a Nazi collaborator
* Tell them Roman Shukhevych orchestrated the Volhynian massacre
* Inform them that the Holodomor was not a genocide of OOkrainians and that it was actually a Famine, which killed people of all nationalities in different republics and regions of Soviet Prussia
* Say that OOkraine is the Brothel of Europe
* Tell them that the name of their country means Borderland
* Inform them that their country was ruled, invaded and attacked by Russians, Poles, Lithuanians, Mongolians, Tatars, Turks, Hungarians, Slovaks, Czechs, Romanians and Swedes
* Inform them that Kievan Rus' was not an OOkrainian State
* Tell them that in time of the ethnogenese of the three Eastern slavic folks the Ancestors of Russians were mix up with Finno-Ugrians and the Ancestors of Belarusians were mix up with Baltics while the Ancestors of Ukrainians were mix with Turkic and Iranic Peoples.
* Inform them that Vladimir the Great was not an OOkrainian
* Say them that "Right Sector" is formed by crypto-jews like Ihor Kolomoisky and thus does not serve Ukraine and its "heroes", but [[Israel]] and the Jews which they thirst to destroy
* Tell them that Ukraine was a homeland for Ashkenazi Khazarian Jews before Russia conquered it and they created the "Revolution" of 2014 to make it a second Israel
* Inform them that there is no such thing as "Russian invasion" in their country but a civil war (which is not uncommon for a third world country)
*Inform them that there was no Annexation of Crimea by Russia but a Secession which was supported by a Russian Military Intervention with a subquently Adoption of the shortly independent Republic of Crimea into Russia that was legitimated by a Plebiscite

== Before & After ==
[[File:Ukraine1.jpg|center|800px]]
<center>'''This is what you get for believing that the US and the EU will give you "Democracy"'''</center>

==Gallery==
{{cg|'''Україна'''|fcgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Ukraine_declaired_war_on_russia.jpg|OOkrainian strategy fail
Image:Mykrane.jpg|Putty on OOkraine
Image:Ukrainian cunt.jpeg|OOkrainian fighter female got the microphone out of her cunt
Image:Ukrainian Xena.jpg|OOkrainian Xena
Image:Made in ukraine.jpg|Typical OOkrainian Grocery Bag
Image:Ukrainian cavalry.jpg|OOkrainian cavalry
Image:Ukra whore.jpg|OOkrainian Poster Of Pride!
File:Ukrainian pride 2.jpg|OOkrainian Poster Of Pride! #2
Image:Ukrainian butt.jpg|OOkrainian Police Searching For Crack - Ass Crack
Image:Ukrainian soldier 1.jpg|OOkrainian Heavy Infantry
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Femen2.jpg|Typical OOkrainian female politician.
File:Ukraine.ball.png|Jews = fascists?!
Image:Meanwhile ukraine.jpg|Pets in the OOkraine.
Image:Ukrainian memorial.jpg|A memorial for OOkrainian womynz Located in the center of Prague
Image:Auto.jpg|A normal [[Jew]] car in OOkraine
Image:Ukrainian bra.jpg|The traditional OOkrainian bra
Image:Ukrainian gandalf.jpg|OOkrainian riot Gandalf
Image:Lenin toilet.jpg|Fuck Lenin - Hail The Golden Toilet!
Image:Ukraine kalgotki.jpg
Image:Angry ukrainians.jpg
Image:Gas mask ukraine meanwhile.jpg
Image:Ukrainian paper.jpg
Image:Serpimolot.jpg|Coat of Arms
Image:Romanian.jpg|A Romanian showing off newly bought OOkrainian meat
Image:Ukraine9.jpg|An OOkrainian womyn
Image:Koizumi.JPG|Yulia Timoshenko - a well-known politician of the OOkraine
Image:Ukraine_reklama.jpg|Life without love? With Krokodil it`s possible!
File:Ukr right sector.jpg|This is how an average Ukie looks like
Image:Native ukrainian.jpg|The ideal of OOkrainian beauty for OOkrainian "men"
File:Coat.of.arms.jpg|It's pretty self-explanatory
File:Karatel.jpg
File:Kakl.jpg
File:Gayukraine.JPG
File:Nazi.azov.jpg|Nazi propaganda #1
File:Nazi.border.png|Nazi propaganda #2
File:Nazi.christfg.jpg|Nazi propaganda #3
File:Nazi.cossack.jpg|Nazi propaganda #4 (It says 'Death to the Jew' on the flag)
File:Nazi.nati.guard.jpg|Nazi propaganda #5
File:Nazi.rocket.a.jpg|Nazi propaganda #6
File:Nazi.space.jpg|Nazi propaganda #7 (I dun even kno what this means)
File:Q i5eNt3XHs.jpg|More OOkrainian Nazi propaganda #8 - so original
File:Aryan man.jpg|Aryan Master Race reporting in
File:Aryan ukr.jpg|Are Jews even people?
File:Hol shit.jpg|OOkrainian hacker be like
File:Black hair ukr.jpg|Is there anything more OOkrainian than that?
File:Churka vsu.jpg
File:Cyborg donetsk.jpg
File:Cyborg turk.jpg
File:Ukrainian patrol guard.jpg|Chernobyl area occupied by the OOkrainian nationalists
File:Protesterrrr.jpg
File:Ukrainian freedom protester.jpg|OOkrainian protester with his helmet
File:Ukrainian BDSM.jpg| BDSM in OOkraine
File:Furfags in ukraine.jpg|Furfags in OOkraine
File:Ukraine in trash.jpg
File:Ass on fire ukr.jpg|Fried mongol anyone?
File:OIZCEKk0eSA.jpg|So metal \m/
File:Ukrainian grandmans.jpg|They supported Hitler during WW2 and some still do
File:DF-PQCFUBTo.jpg|I've found this on the OOkrainian propaganda web page
File:UW4 R HB2aw.jpg|Heil the Kyiv cutlets!
File:Meanwhile in ukraine - putin.jpg| Meanwhile in the OOkraine...
File:Great wall of ukraine.jpg|The great wall of the OOkraine
File:Imperfect+russia b236a1 5042386.png
File:Eleonora 18.jpeg|Eastern Europe has an untarnished relation to traditional European values
File:Finno mongol ukr.jpg|Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
File:Ukr brow.jpg|Undisputed evidence that Ukies got raped by the Mongols
File:Ching chong ukr.jpg|Unadultered pure European genes
File:Ukr user.jpg|The man behind Hillary Clinton email scandal (now works for WikiLeaks)
File:Ukrainian beauty.jpg|This is considered a solid 9 in Ukraine
File:Ukr mongol tatar.jpg|TURAN TURAN!!
File:Ukro finn.jpg|Member of the AZOV Nazi Batallion (now part of National Guard)
File:Hell yeah.jpg
File:Haha so funny.jpg
File:Kiev Protests.jpg
File:Ukraine Crisis.png
File:Untermensch.jpg|Ukrainians are Subhumans
File:UkrainiansareEuropesNiggers.jpg
File:Blaaaaa.jpg|A hidden meaning - not everyone will get
</gallery>|}}

==Video==
<center>
<youtube>xoKwbbnlxi0</youtube>
<youtube>VHvudnPUXnI</youtube>
<youtube>cq845AXPcjQ</youtube>
<youtube>-zrqcB934Qk</youtube>
<youtube>vT9SvbjSB_o</youtube>
<youtube>Cri7aQHRT7k</youtube>
</center>

== See also ==
* [[Andy Schlafly]] - denies the existence of this nation.
* [[Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17]]
* [[3Guys1Hammer]] — pastime in the OOkraine
* [[1guy1jar]] - apparently, yet another traditional OOkrainian pastime
* [[Riots#Ukrainian_Chimpout|Ukrainian Chimpout]]
* [[Quicksand Fetish]]
* [[Natalia Poklonskaya]]

==External links==
* [https://www.portraitsofukraine.org buy this award-winning bestseller book to counter the lies of Putin and his vermin]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20140529161200/https://www.realjewnews.com/?p=937 Jewry’s Puppet… Petro Poroshenko]
* [http://sviatko.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=0 The artist responsible for the Ukrainian Nazi propaganda posters]
*[https://drama.kropyva.ch/ Ukrainian ED]

{{commonwealth}}

{{Russia}}

{{Timeline|Featured article January 26 and 27, [[2022]]|[[WingsofRedemption]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[United Nations]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article March 2 and March 3, [[2022]]|[[Putin]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[World War III]]}}

[[Category:Locations]]
[[category:Rusfags]]

Ukraine

2026-05-19T03:31:58Z

Crow caw:

{{achtung|RUSSIA HAS INVADED UKRAINE}}
{{Warzone}}
[[File:Ukrainian flag explained.jpg|thumb|right|Ukrainian Flag Explained]]
[[File:new_ukrainian_nazi_flag.png|thumb|left|New [[Nazi|Ukrainian]] national flag since 2014]]
[[File:Ukrainian flag use.jpg|thumb|left|Well since the Ukraine flag got changed, you can still use the old one]]

'''OOkraine''' (a.k.a. '''Southern Prussia''', '''UK rain''', '''The Zone of Alienation''', '''Chernobyl''', '''Jewkraine''', and '''Prussia's Breadbasket''') is a state of the [[USSR]] which is now pretending to be independent, but we all know OOkraine is just Prussia's fuck buddy (until Yanok got fucked... and then got replaced by his twin brother - chocolate tycoon/oligarch/bandit and a founder of "Party of Regions" Petro Poroshenko ([[power word|real name]]: Peter Waltzman) - Putin's spy and a butt puppet). OOkraine is widely known as a state of [[Lie|beautiful]] and [[whore|cheap women]]. Local men, however, like all SLAVES, are a bunch of hideous beasts. OOkraine is also a country of S.T.A.L.K.E.R.s, radiation, flesh-eating mutants, [[Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17|plane crashes]], and shockingly an [linktr.ee/portraitsofukraine award-winning bestseller book].

In 2014, NATO overthrew the democratically elected pro-Russkie government in the Ukraine and replaced it with a pro-Western [[Nazi]] government headed by [[Faggot|Volodymyr Zelenskyy]]{{jew}}. After annexing Crimea and funding separatists in the Donbass, in February 2022 [[Russia]] launched a "special military operation" in order to overthrow Jewlensky's government. [[Jews|Globohomo]] is now busy sending money ([[FTX|for money laundering purposes]]) as well as military equipment to the Ukraine, only for Russkies to destroy said military equipment.

[[File:Fixed nasty ukrainian.jpg|center|]]

== History ==
[[File:Ukrainians romans.jpg|thumb|right|Romans did it better.]]
The history of Ukraine starts with the founding of Königsberg (The first and actual capital of Ukraine) and Kaliningrad Prus' [[at least 100]] years ago. But today it has become a constant quarrel between [[Russia|russkies]] and Ukraine, because both of them claim that Kyivan Prus' is a part of their own history. 
'''[[PROTIP]]:''' The capital of ancient Kaliningrad Prus' is also a capital of modern Ukraine. 
A perfect way to troll Ukrainians, is to say to them that they are in fact Prussians. Alternately, a lulz-worthy way to troll undead Prussians is to say they do not have their own history, because the ancient Königsberg belongs to Ukraine. 
Over the past few centuries, Ukraine belonged to the ancient Prussian empire. In the beginning of the 20th century, when [[communists]] won in Prussia, Ukraine declared independence from ancient Prussia. Soviet Prussia allowed them to stay independent, but in a few years Prussia decided to [[pwn]] Ukraine with its undead Prussian soldiers. 
Ukraine finally lost its independence from Soviet Prussia in the year 1991. Prussia has been crying for Ukraine to come back ever since and now that Poroshenko is President, Prussia is going to throw a temper tantrum.

==The OOkrainian Question==
given by
Mr. LANCELOT LAWTON
===Part I===

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The chief problem in Europe [[Spellcheck|to-day]] is the Ukrainian problem. Of deep concern to this country because of its effect upon European peace and diplomacy, it is at the same time closely bound with British interests of a [[Serious Business|very vital nature]]. To an extent unrealized by most people, it has been a root of European strife during the last quarter of a century. That so little has been heard of it is not surprising; for [[Victim complex|suppression of Ukrainian Nationality]] has been persistently accompanied by obliteration of the very word [[Russia|Ukraine]] and concealment of the very existence of [[Russians|Ukrainians]].

So successfully was this erasure effected that over the greater part of the world, Ukraine only survived in [[poetry]] and [[Genesis|legend]], and invariably it was thought that if ever it existed, it had long been buried in the cemetery of [[Kurdistan|dead and forgotten nations]].

That in a period of [[Dolphinsex|highly-developed communication]] and [[Pseudo-intellectual|conspicuous intellectual attainment]] it should have been possible to create the illusion that a nation still vigorously living had never been born or alternatively that if born it had centuries ago perished, would be astounding but for the fact that in our own time we have had abundant experience of the repressive efficacy of autocracies. The Ukrainian problem, therefore, constitutes one of the major political deceptions of history; it concerns a land which though not at all remote is [[Kazakhstan|almost as unknown to us as]] were, at one time, the exotic lands of [[Asia]] and [[Africa]].

Ethnographical Ukraine is from three to four times the size of [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] and extends in one continuous whole from the [[Romanians|Carpathians]] to the [[Chechclear|Caucasus]]. Of this territory more than two-thirds lie [[In Soviet Russia...|in Soviet Russia]]; one-sixth in [[Catholic|Poland]]; the rest belongs to [[Gypsies|Rumania]] and [[Pr0n|Czechoslovakia]]. Thus, Ukraine [[Beheading video|dismembered]], is divided among four States; before the war [[Shemale|she]] was [[Rape|divided]] between two--[[Russia]] and [[Arnold Schwarzenegger|Austria]] [[Hungary]]. The number of Ukrainians in Ukraine is 38 millions, of which 31 millions are in Soviet Ukraine and 5 millions in Polish Ukraine. In addition, many Ukrainians live outside Ukraine; altogether, the total number of Ukrainians in the world is not less than 45 millions. We have, therefore, to deal with a nationality which is as numerous as the British; and as we have seen with a territory much larger than [[Britchan|Great Britain]]. Indeed, if Ukraine were to be reunited and [[Freedom|freed]], excluding Russia, it would be the largest and most numerously populated State of [[Eastern Europe]]. Nor would it be an exaggeration to say that in such circumstances Ukraine would be richer in resource than any other State in [[Eastern Europe]]; it must, of course, be understood here that I am including in the comparison only Russia in Europe, that is without [[Сибирской говор|Siberia]].

The Ukrainian problem is not a problem of a [[OpFerguson|petty Minority]] with grievances of recent growth. It is rooted in antiquity. I feel, therefore, that I must deal briefly with history before coming to present conditions; for an understanding of the historical background is essential to an appreciation of the present situation.

How did the Ukrainian Nation come into existence? When we think of the ancient pre-European World we have always particularly in mind [[Greece]] and [[Guido|Rome]]. We forget that what is now called Ukraine was, too, one of the World's most significant and most coveted territories. Here among the [[Xynta|Scythians]] eight hundred years before [[Jesus|Christ]] were established thriving Greek commercial colonies on the banks of the river now known as the Dnieper, one at its mouth being called "the [[Fabulous|prosperous]]" city. Of this river, [[Completely irrelevant history|Herodotus]] wrote that because of the vast quantity and variety of its [[fish]] and the rich [[Christian Boy Love Forum|fertility]] of the land through which it flowed, it was, with the exception of the [[Death Metal|Nile]], the most [[Jew Gold|productive]] of all rivers in the world. Here at later periods from the banks of the Dnieper various peoples originating from the East, with [[The Internet is serious business|names famous in history]], spread Westwards and some of these were among the most formidable foes of the [[Roman Empire]]. Historians differ as to how from these [[Sound Docking|movements]] and [[Secks|minglings]] the Slavonic race emerged. But none, I think, deny that in Russia the [[Russian Lurkmore|Slavonic race]] first manifested itself in Ukraine.

How was it then that the [[fit/|Eastern Slavs]] divided into two branches; [[Console Wars|Ukrainian and Russian]] or Great Russian? From the ninth century invaders came from the [[pol/|West]] as before they had set out from the [[Hentai|East]]. These invaders were the [[Viking|Varangians]], consisting of [[Somalia|Swedes]], [[Doge|Danes]], [[The Netherlands|Frisians]], [[Beowulf|Angles]] and [[France|Normans]], who made their way to the [[Confederate States of America|South]]. Here they found Kiev [[Injuns|already established]], a prosperous tributary of the powerful and cultured [[Jews|Chozar Empire]], whose people had embraced the [[Circumcision|Hebrew Faith]] and whose capital was [[List of sex moves|at the mouth]] of the distant Volga. The [[Age of Conan|Varangians]] came to [[Happy Merchant/Merchant Face|trade]] with [[2ch.hk|Slavs]] and [[8ch.net|Finns]]; and remained to [[The Royal Family|rule]]. Hence rose the '''Principality of Kiev''' or in the language of later time, Ukraine.

Maintaining [[No Homo|constant intercourse]] with foreign lands, it was [[Israel|a nation among nations]], [[Lie|strong]] and [[Contempt|respected]]. [[Goth|Contemporary Germans]] rated its cultural achievement as [[I have a 140 IQ|not below that of Byzantium]] with whom it was in [[No Homo|close relationship]]; and [[Tourist guy|foreigners]] who visited the country before its conversion to Christianity came across translations of the [[Jeebus|New Testament]].

The Ukrainians rightly [[Troll's Remorse|look back]] to Kievan "Russ" as the true [[Abortion|embryo]] of their nation. It was in fact from the twelfth century that this territory was commonly called Ukraine, the meaning of which was [[Detroit|outpost]] or [[Pittsburgh|frontier]]. Ukraine was a [[Lebanon|frontier-State]], the last outpost of [[Civilization|Europe]] before [[Mordor|Asia]] was reached. For several centuries it kept at bay fiercely attacking [[ISIS|Asiatic hordes]], only to fall ultimately under [[Ass Rape|Tartar domination]].

And now we come to a development of [[Serious business|supreme importance]]. It is of [[Copypasta|supreme importance]] because [[Over 9000|most Russians]] are very [[Disabled Village Children|unscientific]] and [[Fetal Alcohol Syndrome|unintelligent]] about [[Shit no one cares about|Ukraine]] and [[DO NOT WANT|do not want]] to [[Closeted|admit]] that there is [[Moonspeak|such a people]] as [[Alien|Ukrainians]]. Owing to unsettled conditions resulting from [[war]] and [[Dark Souls|invasion]], in the twelfth century an [[Chikins|efflux]] from the fertile steppe of Ukraine set in during the twelfth century. This efflux proceeded in two streams, one to the [[Finland|North]] and [[China|East]], the other to the [[Eurabia|West]]--to Galicia and Volhynia, called "[[Non-notable|Little Russia]]" by the [[People|newcomers]], a name now heard for the first time.

Such [[Faggotry|divergence]] left Kievan Russ, or Ukraine as it came to be called, in the [[Caveman|Middle Ages]], much as it was but led to the creation of [[Asperger's Syndrome|semi-Asiatic]] Muscovy. From then on, in spite of all attempts to [[Dubious disclaimer|Muscovise]] the Ukrainians, the two nations lived [[Heterosexual|distinct]] and [[Homosexuality|separate]] lives. The [[Communism|historical development]] thus described originated in this way.

To the North and East there was [[Nothing|nothing]] but [[Kvlt|forest and swamp]] inhabited by [[Finnish chans|degenerate Mongol-Finnish tribes]] with whom [[The Aristocrats|the migrants]] of the first-mentioned stream [[Elliot Rodger|freely inter-married]]. From their [[Cuckoldry|fusion]] the [[Belarus|Russian]] and [[Azn|Great Russian]] stock emerged, typically Eurasian both in [[Gook|appearance]] and [[Nigger|mentality]].

'''Even Kluchevski, the classic Russian historian, ascribes to it a special National Character, and says that the physiognomy of the Great Russian does not by any means reproduce everyone of the features generally characteristic of the Slavs. Thus he distinguishes it definitely from the Southern Russian Ukrainian stock.'''

In later years descendants of the [[Africa|refugees]] who [[Bix Nood|fled to the West]] returned to Ukraine. The chief point to be borne in mind here is that from the beginning of authentic history Ukrainians [[Josef Fritzl|have preserved]] the [[White Devils|non-Mongolian]] or [[Cracker|Western European]] quality of [[White trash|their race]], and with it a strong [[Redneck|consciousness of nationhood]].

It was Platonov, a [[Russian]] not a [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[Weblog|historian]], who said that because [[DotA|Southern Russia]] was further away from the capital of the [[Hyskoa|Tartars]] on the [[Car|Volga]] it felt their [[BDSM|oppression]] less than did [[DotA|North-Eastern Russia]]. Yet it must [[Typo|no be forgotten]] that it was because of this Ukrainian [[Borderlands|barrier]] that Europe was able to build up its [[Middle Ages|Medieval]] civilisation, free from Mongol menace.

While the [[Turkey|Tartars]] were still in Ukraine, two powerful neighbours, [[Goatse|Poland]] and [[Lithuania]], [[Rape|encroached upon her]]; no sooner were the [[Russia|Mongol invaders]] driven out than they fasted their hold upon her territories, a conquest cemented and extended by the union between them in 1569. At this time, too, the estuaries of all the rivers flowing into the Black Sea were held by forces of the '''Crimean Khan''' who was under the protection of the [[Islam|Turks]]. In the [[Finland|North]] the [[Supreme Gentleman|semi-Asiatic]] State of Muscovy, which proclaimed itself to be [[Unrealistic expectations|the third and last Rome]], was growing in might, and was also [[Goatse|stretching out]] towards [[Jews|Ukrainian lands]]. Thus, then as now, [[Prostitute|much desired Ukraine]] was [[Slut|conquered and beset]] on [[Gangbang|all sides]]. From this strife the [[Turkey|Cossacks]] emerged. [[Gay|Fierce]], fanatically [[Dumb|brave]], [[Lie|clean-living]], and not infrequently [[Whore|opportunist]], called [[Terrorist|brigands]] by their foes and [[Loser|knights]] by [[Gay|their friends]], they [[Buttsecks|asserted]] in vigorous picturesque manner the [[Slavery|freedom-loving]] not less than the [[Stupid|stubborn]] spirit of the [[China|Ukrainian race]].

A Polish [[Elvis Presley|King]], Stephan Batory, said of them: "They are against a [[I|union]] of Poland and Ukraine," and then he added wistfully and [[Nostradamus|prophetically]], "Some day an [[Israel|independant State]] will spring from this [[Truth|scum]]." On fortified islands below the [[Aquaphilia|cataracts of the Dnieper]] they founded a [[Jewnited States of Americunts|democratic military republic]], one of the earliest manifestations of [[Narcissistic personality disorder|national self-determination]]. Authority reposed in a General Assembly, whose decisions were enforced by elective officers, the Chief of whom was called [[Khaaan!|Hetman]]. Desperately they fought to avoid the [[Slavery|serfage]] which the [[Poland|Poles]] sought to rivet upon them. Then in the [[At least 100|middle of the seventeenth century]] they found a great leader, Bohdan Khmelnitzki, who gained successive victories over the Poles and compelled them to [[Fellatio|withdraw]] from Ukraine.

This period marked the [[Full Retard|full realization]] of Ukrainian nationality. All Europe rang with news of the exploits of Ukrainian [[Gun|arms]]. Khmelnitzki was compared with Cromwell who among other rulers sent an ambassador to him. In marked contrast with the '''primitive backwardness''' of Muscovy, the [[Mensa|intellectual attainments]] of Ukraine were high. An [[College|academy of learning]] had been established at Kiev and [[Special Education|ordinary schools]] were scattered [[X Everywhere|up and down the country]]. A [[Oxymoron|distinguished Arab scholar]], '''Paul of Aleppo''', who visited these parts about the time wrote: "Although a stranger I felt myself at home in '''the Ukraine'''. But in Muscovy [[Depression|my heart felt heavy]], for wherever I went no one was even a little free.... Those who want to [[Suicide|shorten their life]] by fifteen years must go to the land of Muscovy. In Ukraine I found [[Weed|joy in life]], [[Demockery|freedom]] and [[Burger King|civilisation]]. The Ukrainians are [[Mega ultra super genius|learned]]. They [[Nerd|like science]] and [[E-lawyer|study the law]]. They know [[Shitpost|rhetoric]], [[Troll|logic]] and [[Neckbeard|philosophy]]. Practically all the inhabitants can [[Albert Einstein|read and write]]. Their wives and daughters know the [[God Hates Fags|liturgy]] and [[Orgasm|religious singing]]. And their children, even orphans, learn to [[Indigo Children|read and write]]."

Peace was short-lived. In 1651, the [[Gay sex|struggle]] between the Poles and the Cossacks was renewed. Hard pressed the Cossacks sought an [[Epic fail|alliance with Muscovy]]. A treaty was concluded which recognized the independence of Ukraine with but one reservation; '''she''' could not have dealings either with the King of Poland or the Sultan of Turkey [[Pimp|without knowledge of Moscow]]. But soon the Tsar sent large forces into Ukraine and after a severe struggle [[Crimea|annexed it]]. The Cossack revolt continuing, he resolved in turn to seek the aid of [[Poland]] and divided the Ukraine with that country. Still the resistance of the Cossacks went on notably under [[Traitor|Mazeppa]]; until finally at Poltava in 1709 the [[Swedes]], with whom they had made [[Homosexuality|common cause]], were crushed by [[Peter|Peter the Great]]. Despotic [[Russia]], believing herself to be the [[Delusional|heir to Byzantium]], [[Racism|could not tolerate]] the existence of a free [[Turkey|Cossack]] or [[Russian|Ukrainian]] State which formed a barrier to the Black Sea littoral.

There were further [[Liberalism|abortive]] Cossack risings and in 1764 [[Germany|Catherine the Great]] finally abolished the [[Khaaan!|Hetmanship]] and deprived the Cossacks of what [[It was my privilege|privileges]] remained to them. In the several partitions of [[Poland]] which took place between 1772 and 1795, [[Russia|Ukraine]] too was partitioned; [[Celtic|Galicia]] went to [[Australia|Austria]], and the [[99.9%|greater part of Ukraine]] was left to [[Russia]].

We have seen that [[Hoax|Ukrainian Nationality]] is a [[Nope|Reality]] with [[Bullshit|at least a thousand years of authentic history]] behind it. No nation has struggled more valiantly to assert its independence than it has done; the soil of Ukraine is [[Period|soaked in blood]]. Because of its [[Tits|gifts]], its lovely [[Vagina|climate]] and its unique [[Gangbang|situation]] on one of the [[Bisexual|world's great cross-roads]], it has been continually [[Hetalia|invaded and oppressed]]; [[Hungary|dismembered and divided]]. Allying itself first with this nation and then with that in the hope that it might survive [[Pussybitch|it has always been betrayed]].
</div>

===Part II===

<div class="copy2">

Throughout the [[Steampunk|nineteenth]] and the early part of the [[World War I|present century]] up to the [[Fallout|War]], the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] found [[Burn|no relief]] from their [[Piss|sufferings]]. Persistently they were [[Defamation|slandered]] by their neighbours. Professor Clark of Cambridge University who visited [[Ass|these parts]] in 1800 related that he was told by [[Azn|Russians]] that the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] were [[Fucktard|unprincipled]], but when he went to [[Russia|Ukraine]] he found, [[Cool story bro|to use his own words]], that "the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] are superior to the [[Nigger|Russians]] in everything that can exalt [[The Church of Creativity|one man above another]]," and that they were distinguished for their [[Obsessive-compulsive disorder|scrupulous cleanliness]] and [[deviantART|high artistic qualities]]. In 1812 the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] problem [[Wikichan/A Moral Dilemma|occupied]] Napoleon who was counselled by Talleyrand to create a [[Kurdistan|Ukrainian State]] under the name [[France|Napoleoneed]].

The first [[Russian|Ukrainian]] National Movement of modern times which began in 1846 had modest [[Galactic Federation of Light|federalist]] aims but it was mercilessly suppressed by the [[Party Van|Russian Police]], its leaders being [[Torture|arrested]] and sent into [[Holocaust|exile]]. From the beginning crude attempts were made to uproot [[Nationality]] from the [[Brain|hearts]] of the people. [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[literature]] and to a large extent also the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[language]], were [[Buprenorphine|prescribed]], and even adherence to simple [[Party girl|national customs]] was [[Banned|forbidden]]. As late as February 24, 1914, Miliukov, the Russian [[God-Emperor of Blackkind|Statesman]], was moved to [[Liberal Butthurt Syndrome|protest]]. "[[Fact|In reality]]," he said, "we have here to deal with a [[Revolution|National Movement]], the object of which is autonomy, the rebuilding of Russia on federalistic lines.... The [[Russian|Ukrainian]] Movement is thoroughly [[Liberalism|democratic]]. [[No|It is impossible to crush it]]."

The deliberate [[Genocide|policy]] of [[Russia]] was to avoid and discourage mention of [[Russia|Ukraine]] abroad. From the [[Middle Ages]] down to the [[Genocide|eighteenth century]] Ukraine figured largely in [[Gay|European]] [[Book|literature]]. But after the first half of the nineteenth century the West was made to [[Amnesia|forget]] that there was or had been such a nation.

The fate of the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Spain|Galicia]] under [[Austria]]-[[Hungary]] was also [[Shit|not too happy]]; but it was better than that of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Nazi|Autocratic]] Russia. They were permitted to use their [[Moonspeak|own language]], and although they were [[Buttsecks|handed over]] to their hereditary enemy, the [[Polish]] aristocracy, their Nationality was allowed for, and a basis for its [[Gay|progressive]] recognition [[Don't worry, I'm from the Internet|was secured]].

Each of the two great Powers between whom [[Russia|Ukraine]] was divided stimulated the National Movement in the territory of the other. In particular, [[Russia]] was [[Scared kitty|alarmed]] at the awakening of Ukrainian Nationality in [[Ireland|Galicia]]. Her semi-official newspapers pointed out that its effect was to render all the more difficult the [[Castration|suppression]] of the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] National Movement within [[Russia]]. Thereupon a hypocritical agitation began for the [[Animal Liberation Front|liberation]] of the millions of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] languishing in [[Spain|Galicia]] under a heavy foreign yoke.

A [[fact]] not so widely known as it should be is that one of the major causes of the War was the conflict between [[Russia]] and [[Austria]] over the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] question. Another [[fact]] also not generally recognised, is that the discontent of the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] contributed largely to bring about the [[Divide by zero|defeat and downfall]] of [[Russia]].

Beginning with the first rising against the Tsarist Government, as far back as 1825, that of the [[Loser|Decembrists]], they have been active participators in all revolutionary movements, associating at different times with groups of [[Russians]], [[Poland|Poles]], [[Islam|Caucasians]], or any other Nationality who sought to overthrow the Autocracy, and not infrequently masquerading as revolutionary [[Socialist|socialists]] that they might thereby further their Nationalist aims. During the Crimean War they made an attempt to revive their [[Bear Cavalry|ancient Cossack military organization]], with a view to taking the field against the Tsar's forces; and they gave support to the '''Polish Rising''' in 1831.

Their heart was not in the [[The Great ED IRC War of 2013|Great War]] for which their whole man power was conscripted and which was fought for the self-determination of Nationalities but not of the Ukrainian. And, finally, it was their implacable hostility to the Chauvinistic slogan of a one and indivisible [[Russia]] that was directly responsible for the collapse of the [[Nazi|White Armies]] in the [[The War of Northern Aggression|Civil War]], that followed the [[Communism|Bolshevik]] seizure of power.

After the revolution the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] proclaimed their [[Scotland|independence]], set up a National Assembly, and fought desperately against [[Republican|Whites]] and [[Democrat|Reds]], being eventually overcome by [[Marxism|Bolshevik Muscovy]]. The '''Treaty of Versailles''' effected the [[Castration|dismemberment]] of [[Russia|Ukraine]] outside Soviet [[Russia]] and, while agreeing to the independence of [[Poland]], handed over the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Celts|Galicia]] to the rule of their ancient enemy. An old Cossack proverb says: "'''As long as the Dnieper flows friendship between Cossack and Pole will be impossible'''," a sentiment re-echoed by [[Traitor|Mazeppa]] in these words: "'''As long as the world will be the world, Pole will not know how to be brother to Ukrainian'''."

In 1923, the [[Douchebag|Council of Ambassadors]] affirmed what [[Poland]] herself had already recognised that as far as [[Poland|Eastern Galicia]] was concerned the ethnographical conditions necessitated an autonomous regime; so far, in spite of frequent respresentations to the [[League of Losers|League of Nations]] and other quarters, nothing has been done to give effect to this decision. The point of view of the Poles now appears to be that there is no such thing as a [[Russian|Ukrainian]], and that Poles and Ukrainians [[Truth|are and always have been one]]. As attempts were once made to [[Murder|Russify]] them which they [[Nope|resisted with all their strength]], so they are striving to [[Genocide|Polonize]] the [[Russians|Ukrainians]], and alternately to [[Depression|depress]] and [[BDSM|submerge]] them by [[Holocaust|starving them]] of [[Encyclopædia Dramatica|educational]], [[Console peasant|land-acquisition]] and other [[Toilet|facilities]]; and the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] too are [[Nope|resisting with all their strength]].

Nor does [[Christian|repression]] of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] always take such [[Obvious|open forms]]. By various [[SUBTLE HINT ALERT::|subtle]] and [[Giant dildo of death|subterranean devices]] it is conveyed to [[Bitch|minor officials]] as, for instance, railway employees, that if they do not change their religion from the [[Catholic|Ukrainian Uniate Church]] to the [[Roman Polanski|Polish Roman Catholic Church]] they will lose their posts, and consequently they and their families will become [[Homeless|destitute]]. One instance of the effect of this pressure may be cited form the town of [[Poland|Lemberg]]. From 1926 to 1930 the number of [[Russians|Ukrainians]] who reluctantly abandoned [[The Song Of My People|the Faith of their people]] to [[Fellatio|adopt]] that of their [[PC Master Race|rulers]] increased from 174 to 586, and each year there was a steady rise.

Deeds such as I have mentioned are of course contrary to the [[Typo|Treat of Versailles]], which was intended to safeguard the rights of [[Niggers|Minorities]]; and they have been the subject of many [[PC Gamer|petitions]] to the [[League of Legends|League of Nations]]. But so far [[Dat Ass|that body]] has not been able to take any steps to secure justice for the [[Russians|Ukrainians]].

At the meeting of the Assembly of the '''League of Nations''' on September 13th, 1934, M. Beck, speaking on behalf of [[Poland]], repudiated her obligations under the [[Sand niggers|Minority]] treaties. The actual words he used were that the Polish Government

"finds itself compelled to refuse as from [[Typo|to-day]] all co-operation with the international organizations in the matter of the supervision of the application by [[Poland]] of the [[Welfare|system of Minority protection]]."
To which the [[England|British representative]], [[I Came|I am glad to say]], replied with a [[Fuckyou.pl|strong protest]]. Yet it would appear that the Polish government is living up to M. Beck's repudiation, for at a later meeting of the Council, the Polish delegate [[Butthurt|walked out]] when a [[OpFerguson|Minority question]] was being discussed.

Lastly, it is deliberately sought to [[Army|eliminate]] the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] as a political factor. Recently a fundamental measure frankly [[Racism|discriminating]] against the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] was introduced by the Polish Government. It took the form of a new Constitution, the effect of which will be practically to exclude the Minorities as such from representation in the Polish Parliament, and any [[Russian|Ukrainian]] representation will be at the discretion of the Polish authorities.

Methods of struggle which the Poles regarded as virtuous when they themselves employed them against the Tsarist Government [[Hypocrisy|they now condemn]] when they are used by [[Russians|Ukrainians]]. These methods have been at times [[Conspiracy|conspiratorical]] and even [[Terrorist|terroristic]]. But how else can the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] act since they are [[Shit no one cares about|abandoned by the rest of the world]]? It should be noted that the Poles, too, were frequently [[Stupid|unwise]], [[Violence|cruel]] and [[Chimpout|aggressive]].

Nor in [[Romania|Rumania]] are the [[Russians|Ukrainians]] any better off. In spite of the safeguards of the Minorities Treaty signed at Paris in December 9th, 1919, these members of a [[Lie|proud and gifted]] Nation are treated as a [[Gypsies|despised community]]. Their schools have been [[Pool's Closed|closed]]; and they are [[Banned|prohibited]] from speaking [[Domestic violence|their own language]], [[Fact|one of the most beautiful of all Slav tongues]].

The [[Russians|Ukrainians]] in [[Andy Warhol|Czechoslovakia]] are probably better treated than in any other country. This assertion was, I think, borne out in the article written by Dr. Hugh Dalton, late [[Government|Under-Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs]], in the "New Statesman and Nation" of May 18th, 1935.

Lastly we come to '''Soviet Ukraine''' where two-thirds of the total [[Russian|Ukrainian]] population live. Here the question will be asked: Is there really a [[Russian|Ukrainian]] National Movement under [[Communism|Bolshevism]]? It is one that may best be answered in the words of the [[Rainbow Stalin|Soviet leaders]] themselves. At the seventeenth Congress of the [[Party Man|Communist Party]] held in January, 1934, [[Belarus|Stalin]] used these words:

"'''Only very recently in the Ukraine the deviation towards Ukrainian Nationalism did not represent the major danger; but when we ceased to fight against it and enabled it to grow to the extent that it joined up with the interventionists this deviation became the major danger'''."

and still later in a speech reported on February 14th of this year, Lubchenko, Chairman of the Council of Commisars of the [[Russia|Ukraine]] said:

"There was a period when the [[Nazi|Ukrainian Nationalists]] carried on their work in the [[Russia|Ukraine]] not without success. This was in 1931-32. Taking advantage of the weakening of [[English Scum|class vigilance]] the nationalist elements, [[Haters|enemies]] of the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] people, wormed their way at that time into the [[Concentration camps|collective farms]], the [[Genitals|agrarian organs]] and the system of [[Special Education|public education]]. [[I Came|They came]] into [[No Homo|close alliance]] with the adherents of the nationalist deviators within the [[Party Hard|Party]] who were led by Skrypnik. They came out in a united front with the [[Conservatism|white-guards]], the [[Liberalism|Trotskyites]] and the [[Fascism|Rights]], having united on a platform of secession of the Ukraine from the Soviet Union."

In the year alluded to it was discovered that numerous Ukrainian Communists were [[Traitor|Nationalists in disguise]], and that they had got control of newspapers and important institutions, including the Commissariats of Education and Agriculture, the only two departments of consequence left to the [[Russians|Ukrainians]]. '''Mass executions followed'''.

I have given but one example of the assertion of the [[Vodka|National spirit]] in Soviet Ukraine. Actually, ever since the Revolution this [[Vodka|spirit]] has been in revolt against a tyranny much more cruel than that of which it was the successor. No one knows how many [[Russian|Ukrainian]] patriots have been [[School Shooting|shot]] or [[Kazakhstan|exiled]]; but there is reason to believe that the [[Over 9000|number is very large]].

Nor must it be supposed that [[Nazi|Nationalism]] was manifested only by the [[Jews|educated classes]]. Ninety per cent of the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] population consists of [[PlayStation 3|peasantry]]; and to them [[Eurabia|Western Europe]] is indebted for having saved it from [[Stalin|Bolshevism]].

Before the Revolution the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] [[Xbox 360|peasants]] were for the most part individual farmers and, unlike the [[Gamecube|peasants of Russia]], did not belong to the primitive commune which [[Marx]] foresaw might serve as a starting point for '''World Communism''' and revolution. It was thanks chiefly to this national peculiarity that after the Revolution they [[Terrorist|resisted so vigorously]] the Government [[Theft|requisitioning]] of grain, of which [[Russia|Ukraine]] was the chief [[Sauce|source]] of supply. The deep and widespread impoverishment which resulted was an effectual frustration of the malevolent aims of [[Glenn Beck|Bolshevism]]. Millions of lives were lost in the struggle; and in 1932-33 a great famine desolated Ukraine. Of this famine the Soviet Government denied the existence, though the evidence of its occurrence and severity was overwhelming. It was clear that, when the enormous growth of the population of the Soviet Union--three millions annually--was taken into account, when also the officially admitted heavy losses of grain during and subsequent to harvesting--from thirty to fifty percent were considered, then severe hunger was bound to occur. It could not be otherwise.

The MANCHESTER GUARDIAN, which certainly cannot be considered an anti-Soviet organ, in a leading article on December 27th, 1934, referring to the famine said:

"'''For a long time the Russian Dictatorship was able to conceal from the eyes of the world what was incomparably the biggest economic calamity that had afflicted Europe for more than a decade'''."

Some idea of the extent of the calamity may be gained from the evidence of Mr. W. H. Chamberlin, for many years and until recently Moscow Correspondent of the "Christian Science Monitor." Writing in that paper on May 29th, 1934, he said:--

"'''It would seem highly probable that in 1932-33, between 4,000,000 and 5,000,000 people over and above the normal mortality rate, lost their lives from hunger and related causes'''."

At the acutest period the central authority took no relief measures; thus the conclusion appeared to be unavoidable that this indifference of Red Moscow was a reprisal to the Nationalism of [[Russia|Ukraine]], and it is strengthened by the statement made at the time by Kalinin (President of the Central Executive Committee of the U.S.S.R.): "The peasants have this year [[Asking for it|passed through a good school]]. For some this school was [[Extreme|quite ruthless]]."

Yet according to the terms of its Constitution Soviet [[Russia|Ukraine]] is an [[Lie|independent and sovereign State]]. In treaty relations with it even the Moscow Government recognized it as such, but that did not deter them from reducing it to [[Slavery|vassalage]], and thus repeating the great Muscovite treachery of the seventeenth century. As in the Tsarist epoch everything is done that can be done to bind Ukraine to Russia. [[Russian|Ukrainian]] enterprises have been incorporated in All-Union Trusts, with headquarters at Moscow. The Donetz coal region has been connected with Moscow by a main line, and a continuous system of waterways is being created from Leningrad to the Black Sea.

Moscow says [[Spellcheck|to-day]] as it said in the days of the Tsars: "'''We cannot live without Ukraine. It is the most fertile part of the Soviet Union. It feeds us. Moreover, we depend upon it for coal and iron'''."

We need not stop to discover whether in this era [[Jewnited States of Americunts|one Nation]] is justified in crushing [[Iraq|another]] because it has need of its [[Oil|resources]]; for there are other means of gaining access to [[Best Korea|minerals]] and grain than by [[United Kingdom|conquest]]. In the Urals and Siberia, Soviet Russia possesses enormous reserves of coal and iron-ore; which she is now exploiting on a great scale; and as for grain supplies it is necessary only to quote this passage from the speech which Stalin delivered at the Seventeenth Congress of the Communist Party last year: "'''First of all'''," he said, "'''we must bear in mind that the old division of our regions into industrial regions and consuming regions has now become obsolete. This year consuming regions like the Moscow and Gorky regions delivered nearly 80,000,000 poods of grain to the State. This, of course, is not a bagatelle. In the so-called Consuming zone there are about 5,000,000 hectares of soil. If this land were cleared of scrub it would be possible to obtain a supply of commodity-grain not less than now produced in the Lower and Middle Volga. Finally, there is the question of combating drought in the Trans-Volga region. We must have a large and stable grain-base on the Volga capable of producing 200,000,000 poods yearly. This is absolutely necessary in view of the growth of towns on the Volga on the one hand, and the possibilities of complications in the sphere of international relations on the other'''."

Can it be that Moscow fears that the day may come when she will be forced to withdraw her army of occupation from [[Russia|Ukraine]] and that she is making preparation to survive as a great Eurasian Power?

The apprehension of [[Stalin]] is based upon what is common knowledge, that [[Germany]] and [[Poland]] have designs upon [[Russia|Ukraine]], and that they will be ready to march Eastwards before the Red Army is prepared to march into [[Europe]] in the still cherished cause of '''World Revolution'''.

In "Mein Kampf," [[Hitler]] plainly said that [[Germany]] must turn away from the West, and that her first aim must be to expand Eastwards into [[Russian]] lands. Since he came to power all his declarations and many of his actions have been in harmony with the passage cited. One of his chief lieutenants, Rosenberg, himself a [[Estonia|Baltic]] [[Nazi|German]], is an open advocate of annexing [[Russia|Ukraine]] to [[Germany]]. Then support is given to General Skoropadsky, formerly A.D.C. to the Tsar and Commander of an Imperial Russian Army Corps, whose forefather was set up as [[Khan|Hetman]] by [[Peter|Peter the Great]] after [[Traitor|Mazeppa]'s attempt to free [[Russia|Ukraine]] from [[Russian]] domination; rather similarly General Skoropadsky was set up as Hetman under the protection of the invading [[German]] armies in 1918, a position to which he aspires again at the present time. What then occurred is fully described in an official handbook prepared under the direction of the Foreign Office and published by the Stationery Office.

It appears to me that any purely [[German]] sphere of influence of [[Russia|Ukraine]] would be contrary to the political and economic interest of the [[British Empire|British Commonwealth of Nations]]. If I interpret [[Russian|Ukrainian]] Nationalism rightly it desires a [[Democracy|democratic]] regime and [[Legit|real]] independence not [[Cuba|dictatorship]] and [[Venezuela|tutelage]]. [[Unrealistic expectations|It is of the West and has always longed to be with the West]]. I imagine that our sympathies will be with these aspirations. Half-a-million Ukrainians are British subjects in [[Canada]], and 10,000 of them voluntarily enlisted in the [[The Great ED IRC War of 2013|Great War]]. But apart from sentiment, important British interests are involved in the [[Russian|Ukrainian]] problem. Ukraine with its coast-line on the Black Sea [[Big|lies on the last stretch of the highway from the North to South of Europe]]. Through it also passes the nearest land route from Central Europe to [[Iran|Persia]] and [[India]]. The possession of [[Opioids|Ukraine]] enabled [[Drug addict|Tsarist Russia]] to [[IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER|cast eyes upon]] the [[Yugoslavia|Balkans]] and the Straits, to threaten [[Turkey]], control the [[Georgia|Caucasus]] and bring pressure upon [[Iran|Persia]].

England is not concerned to play the role of a [[Conspiracy Theory|conspiratorial]] power backing an irredentist effort. But the conditions in [[Russia|Ukraine]], where the independence movement has assumed great proportions, are such that something is bound to happen. Many times in the past years, as I have shown, [[Russia|Ukraine]] has proved the [[Kansas City|danger spot]] of [[Europe]]. '''It has again become so'''. [[Britain]] must therefore be informed and have ready a policy to meet her own interests in any emergency which may arise. She must not be caught [[Typo|unawares]].

Thus it would be [[hypocrisy]] to deny that an ''independent Ukraine'' is as essential to this country as to the tranquility of the world. Merely because it is inconvenient to consider it and highly so to attempt its solution, the problem ''has'' too long ''been ignored''. But it is a problem which has deep and intricate roots in history and in its modern form has assumed [[extreme]] urgency. Voltaire noted admiringly the persistence with which [[Russians|Ukrainians]] aspired to [[freedom]] and remarked that being surrounded by [[Nigger|hostile lands]], they were doomed to search for a [[Pimp|Protector]].

Until they are assured of [[Libertarianism|liberty]] they will be faithless to whichever State [[BDSM|they are bound]] and will continue freely to [[Death|shed their own blood]] and that of their [[China|conquerors]]. So long, too, as this situation continues other nations will be tempted to exploit it. What then is the use of pretending that there is [[peace]] when there is [[Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh|no peace]]? Nor will there be any until this [[Russian|Ukrainian]] question is [[Orgasm|satisfactorily]] [[Condom|disposed of]].
</div>

== Genetics ==

[[File:Ukrainian mongol.jpg|thumb|right|''Ukrainians are originally mongoloids'']]
[[File:Ukrainian orbit.jpg|thumb|right|They are known to be attracted to fresh smell of garlic]]
[[File:Sexy naked ukrainian hohol.jpg|thumb|DAUM SEXY]]
[[File:Sub zero + scorpion = ukrainian.jpg|thumb|right|Sub Zero + Scorpion = Ukrainian?]]
OOkrainians are originally mongoloids dwelling in Europe with shit taste in haircuts who got deep throat by Prusskies and forced to speak the Prusski language, due the damage that has been done to their throat cords, the OOkrainians were unable to properly speak russian and therefore a new language was born; the "Ukrainian" language.
And that's why OOkrainian sounds like spoiled Prussian.

Disregard the colors on its flag, anon: Ukraine is home for almost 33 millions Turkic looking untermenschen that for some unknown reason are still considered "white" by the majority of American population. This obvious fact does not interfere with Ukrainians having a superiority complex over their Russian "brothers" which allegedly constitute a completely alien to them (and other Europeans, for that matter) [[Finland|Finno-Ugric]]/[[Turkey|Volga Bulgar]]/[[China|Ancient Mongol]] [[Spic|Mestizo]] ethnic group. The truth is, however, is that the OOkraine has been the scene of much ethnic mixing over the centuries adding to the basic East Slavic stock Polish, Hungarian, Tatar, and Mongol genes. There is no such thing as a "standard" or a "stereotypical" OOkrainian. They can be of every single hair color (including red) and eyes that range from blue through gray to green to brown to black (black hair, brown eyes, light brown skin is, however, a more common combination). [http://www.ukiesarenotwhite.tumblr.com PROOFS CAN BE FOUND HERE]

[[Image:Femen1ukrainesale1.png|center]]

[[Image:Bb4saleukraine.jpg|center]]

<center>'''Ukrainian feminist mom is selling her unborn baby at the train station'''</center>

== Chernobyl ==

Apart from Prussians, the worst pollution in the JEWcrane is radiation released on the 26th of April, 1986. It started on the 25th of April, when the plant was due to shut down for the testing of a [[irony|safety feature]] that should have been installed on the reactor when it was built. Due to the Soviet Union being a system that supported half-assing everything, however, the feature was skipped during construction and reactor 4 opened early to meet a deadline. Two years later, on the night the test was due, an operator in a nearby town requested the plant stay on for a while longer to support the rest of the [[hookers and blow|night's activities]]. This was agreed on, and the shift that was set to perform the test went home before the plant was finally shut down the morning of the 26th. The night shift consisted of [[retard|clueless morons]] who had no idea what the test entailed. They set the plant's power too low, then they set it too high, power surged, cooling water boiled and everything went to hell from there. 2 people died immediately from the explosion, and around 30 more died while trying to put out the fires and clean up the mess. The nearby town of Pripyat was evacuated within 3 days, but much like the [[nazi]]s to the [[jew]]s, the radiation found and killed them. Chernobyl has become immortalized in a shitty horror movie, [[Movies| Chernobyl Diaries]], where Chernobyl will forever be known as the place retarded teens go to to become paranoid due to nuclear fallout.

The disaster took place after some bored Communist [[trolls]] decided it would be hilarious to release a fuckton of Ukrainium into the surrounding cabbage farms. The USSR denied everything when radiation detectors from outside countries began picking up on a cloud of radiation emanating from the area around Kyiv. Even though the explosion wiped out the entire team working there, [[LOLWUT | Prussia still felt it was necessary to file a lawlsuit against all those involved]]. The effects of the explosion include a shortage in Borsht production, loss of chest hair in men and women, IRL Pseudodogs and Burers, down syndrome among thousands of children, an insurgence in anarchists and bandits, and an embarrassing affiliation with the Transformers 3 movie.
[[Image:Meanwhile Ukraine.jpg|center]]

== Useful phrases in OOkrainian ==
[[File:Hryv nya.jpg|thumb|right|Hryv[[nyan|nia]] — national currency of OOkraine]]
These phrases might help you if you ever travel to OOkraine. 

* Це ти, їбанько (Tse ty, yiban'ko) — Nice to meet you!
* Я рижа мавпа or я залупа (Ya ryzha mavpa or ya zalupa) — Sorry, I'm from abroad.
* Заїбав! (Zayibav) — it's so interesting!
* Лайна в’їби! (Layna vyiby) — Have a nice meal!
* Йобана курва (yobana kurva) — Sorry.
* Їбать те в сраку (yibat' te v sraku) — You're a nice person.
* Від’їбись (vidyibys') — Thank you!
* Пішов нахуй (Pishov nahooe) — Good bye!

== OOkraine @ the Interwebz ==

OOkraine has its own shitty copypasta of ED, called [http://ukrmemoria.com Fayna Memoria] and some Anonymous imageboard [http://nichan.net nichan]. You can speak [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT|English]], because they know English is the universal language of [[lulz]].

But those sites were written there because this article had been created by its' admin. In fact, OOkrainian imageboards <s>are [http://uchan.org.ua/ Uchan(Ukrainian Channel)] and [http://xatach.com Xatach], also OOkrainian ED is [http://dramatica.org.ua Ukrainian Dramatica(or just Dramatica)].</s> Ukrainian Dramatica(or just Dramatica)] is now hosted at https://drama.kropyva.ch/Головна сторінка https://drama.kropyva.ch/Головна сторінка].

Almost all of this stuff is dead, you better check this so-called "[[List_of_imageboards|International Anonymous Space]]" almost dead project started by Ukrainans. It tries to create international imageboard list and describe non-English speaking [[Anonymous]] culture. If you, some Pole or I dunno, Hungarian without your own national Meme-wiki, you'll be good to add them here on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], pleb.

== Ukraine cannot into [[Europe]] ==

[[File:Can%27t_Contain_The_Ukraine.jpg|center|500px|]]

"Ukrainian support for an EU association agreement, which could be finalized in November in Vilnius, Lithuania, has decreased compared to figures from July 2013. Still, half of Ukraine's population (50 percent) is in favor of the association and free trade agreement between Ukraine and the EU. However, one in three Ukrainians rejects signing the treaty." [https://web.archive.org/web/20141207021759/http://gbtimes.com/world/ukraine-declines-eu-deal Yanukovich gives big FU to EU]. And now this cock has taken to hiding in Soviet Prussia, where he claims to be the legitimate head of the Ukraine, despite his overthrow. Also, from now on, Crimean peninsula is a part of Prussia, not JEWcrane. [http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/alexey_juriev/10270458/294140/294140_original.jpg]

== World War III - prologue, Ukraine ==
[[File:ZELENSKY SNIFFED BY BIDEN AND NUZZLED BY MACRON FVZ5KawVsAAeInr.png|thumb|The cost of doing business with (((the West)))]]
The world and the interwebz were caught by surprise on the 24th of Febuary [[2022]] when several tens of thousands of Russians decided that they'd want to greet the [[Cum|coming]] spring with their pet tanks, guns and fighters in Ukraine and maybe get some of that sweet ukrainian prostitute pussy. Filled with unbridled joy and bolstered by a few swings of [[Alcohol|Vodka]], the multitudes descended westwards and southwards into Ukraine and made history.

The Ukrainians meanwhile have been fostering the bestest of [[Hate]] after the Ruskies snipped off Ukraine's [[Crimea|balls]] and got their cocks ready to pound their [[Ass|Donetsk & Luhansk]] but stopped since as per the tradition, they got too drunk and went after a [[bear]] instead, not that you could blame them after one sees what Ukraine looks like.

The OOkrainians spent the following 8 years prepping their rage-boners for the inevitable Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! The result was...not that bad actually, a real refresher in what is turning out to be the shittiest decade yet.

The war has been progressing for about a week as of the time of this writing, so events are still in flux and the [[PsyOps]] of all sides are banging on the keyboards like crazy, but it seems that at least in the first two weeks the Ukrainians have [[NATO|somehow]] managed to keep the Russians from making substantial progress so the latter are engaging in time-honoured martial activities like [[Theft|looting]] the civilians, shelling residential areas and shooting at Red Cross and children.

Or, they would be if it wasn't for an extremely lulzy development - courtesy of the russian [[CIA|FSB]] no less. Ya see, in good 'ol Russia telling the truth can get you van'd off to some gulag and is also bad for political advancement, so when FSB was commissioned by [[Putin|great leader]] to make strategic assessments on Russia's war capabilities (including an invasion on Ukraine), the service naturally gave all A++ grades since otherwise the [[Lemon Party|political/military]] top would put the analysts' balls into a meat grinder to make sweet kobas. So good ol' Puty got fed what he and the oligarchs WANTED to believe, but wait, it gets better! Believing that Ukraine would fall in 2-3 days tops, they decided to send in some 90k [[Virgin|green servicemen]] expecting that the (in many cases literal) boys would get [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|a few days of adventure and march triumphantly into Kiev]]. What they got was just what you would expect when you whisk fresh recruits to the border, tell them that surprise - they are now going to war and pit them against hardened alcoholic-gorillas who hate their guts - the best of [[Lulz]] of course!
The fog of war is making things difficult to gauge, but from the videos available on [[Reddit]] and elsewhere, the Russian army is getting it's orifices rammed by Ukrainian cocks (and a few pussies) left, right and center - losing an inordinate amounts of tech and men while there are even videos of [[Lol|18yo russian soldiers crying for their moms]] and being so pathetic that nobody wants to kill them, with Putin sitting in his luxury bunker in the Urals increasingly wondering which of the [[Suicide|two]] [[Nuke|switches]] he should pull to end it all.

Globally the world has descended onto this newest geopolitical fad with unimaginable zeal, likely as a result of being sick to shit of [[Coronavirus|Corona-chan]] (funny how the virus ''disappeared'' overnight after the war began, eh?). [[EU|The]] [[USA|West]] pledged it's full [[Sex|support]] to Ukraine in the form of fuckhueg amount of weapons, vehicles and useful idiots that have been pouring into the country which will surely not cause a devolution into a [[Syria|warlord quagmire]] down the line. China meanwhile has been publicly silent but secretly rubbing it's hands faster than a [[Jew]] seeing a shekel on the street, since they will now all but own Russia considering that the latter will have no choice but to [[Gay|integrate itself]] even closer with China, and considering that there is over 1 billion Chinese in an overcrowded China and only about 144 million Russians with mostly empty eastern Russia which is becoming warmer and more pleasant due to Climate Change, you can see where [[Rape|this is going]] for the ruskies.

== Famous OOkrainians ==

[[File:Bandera.jpg|thumb|right|A memorial of the great OOkrainian prophet "Stephen Bandera" who has been an inspiration and a father
to the Ukrainian Hitler youth generations and made them believe that filthy mongoloids are part of the aryan race]]
Due to their filthy Mongolian recessive genes, there are apparently no OOkrainian celebrities, that are ethnic OOkrainians, for example:

* Bohdan Khmelnytsky was actually of Ruthenian descent.
* Andrey Tarkovsky, film director, who was actually a descendant of Polish nobility.
* Nikolai Gogol, writer, who was actually an ethnic Prussian.
* Yulia Tymoshenko (born Kapitelman), [[Oxymoron|a female politician]], who is actually a Latvian [[Jews|Jew]].
* Vitali Klitschko, former boxer and a politician, real last name is [[Kike|Etinzon]]. U kno' what dat means!
* Jack Palance, a famous Hollywood actor, is actually a Ruthenian.
* Milla Jovovich, an actress, is Serbian.
* Karina Smirnoff, an [[Whore|exotic dancer]], is of half Greek and half Prussian descent.
* Daria Werbowy, a professional model, is really a former Polish [[Fact|crack whore]].
* Dustin Hoffman, an American actor, is known to have Jewish parents from both Ukraine and Romania.
* [[1guy1jar|Alexey Tatarov]]
* Bob Dylan, an American musician, is the grandchild of Jewish immigrants from Ukraine
* Katheryn Winnick, a '''Polish''' brown-haired (she dyes her hair) and brown-eyed (she wears contact lenses) '''Jewess'''.

[[File:Yuli timosh.jpg|center|]]

== Diversity ==
Ukraine is considered [[Not|very safe]] for African travelers.

In fact, most Africans who go to Ukraine (to cross borders and enter EU illegally since Ukraine is a shithole not requiring visas) end up missing after getting sent to Ukrainian prisons to get tortured or killed. The Ukrainian army has always been under the control of actual Neo-Nazis, literally.

== Ways to troll OOkrainians ==

[[File:10hsOp8pPTM.jpg|thumb|right|How Russians in Ukraine troll Ukrainians]]

* Call them OOkrainian, instead of Ukrainian (works every time) or Horilka Niggers or Borderlanders
* Tell them that the Crimean Peninsula has always been a part of Prussia
* Ask them why do they chose [[Spain|Spanish]] actor Antonio Banderas as their national hero
* Tell them that Galicia and Volhynia have always been a part of Poland
* Tell them that Carpathian Ruthenia belongs to Hungary
* Tell them that Nothern Bukovina has always been a part of Romania
* Tell them Stepan Bandera was a war criminal and a Nazi collaborator
* Tell them Roman Shukhevych orchestrated the Volhynian massacre
* Inform them that the Holodomor was not a genocide of OOkrainians and that it was actually a Famine, which killed people of all nationalities in different republics and regions of Soviet Prussia
* Say that OOkraine is the Brothel of Europe
* Tell them that the name of their country means Borderland
* Inform them that their country was ruled, invaded and attacked by Russians, Poles, Lithuanians, Mongolians, Tatars, Turks, Hungarians, Slovaks, Czechs, Romanians and Swedes
* Inform them that Kievan Rus' was not an OOkrainian State
* Tell them that in time of the ethnogenese of the three Eastern slavic folks the Ancestors of Russians were mix up with Finno-Ugrians and the Ancestors of Belarusians were mix up with Baltics while the Ancestors of Ukrainians were mix with Turkic and Iranic Peoples.
* Inform them that Vladimir the Great was not an OOkrainian
* Say them that "Right Sector" is formed by crypto-jews like Ihor Kolomoisky and thus does not serve Ukraine and its "heroes", but [[Israel]] and the Jews which they thirst to destroy
* Tell them that Ukraine was a homeland for Ashkenazi Khazarian Jews before Russia conquered it and they created the "Revolution" of 2014 to make it a second Israel
* Inform them that there is no such thing as "Russian invasion" in their country but a civil war (which is not uncommon for a third world country)
*Inform them that there was no Annexation of Crimea by Russia but a Secession which was supported by a Russian Military Intervention with a subquently Adoption of the shortly independent Republic of Crimea into Russia that was legitimated by a Plebiscite

== Before & After ==
[[File:Ukraine1.jpg|center|800px]]
<center>'''This is what you get for believing that the US and the EU will give you "Democracy"'''</center>

==Gallery==
{{cg|'''Україна'''|fcgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Ukraine_declaired_war_on_russia.jpg|OOkrainian strategy fail
Image:Mykrane.jpg|Putty on OOkraine
Image:Ukrainian cunt.jpeg|OOkrainian fighter female got the microphone out of her cunt
Image:Ukrainian Xena.jpg|OOkrainian Xena
Image:Made in ukraine.jpg|Typical OOkrainian Grocery Bag
Image:Ukrainian cavalry.jpg|OOkrainian cavalry
Image:Ukra whore.jpg|OOkrainian Poster Of Pride!
File:Ukrainian pride 2.jpg|OOkrainian Poster Of Pride! #2
Image:Ukrainian butt.jpg|OOkrainian Police Searching For Crack - Ass Crack
Image:Ukrainian soldier 1.jpg|OOkrainian Heavy Infantry
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Femen2.jpg|Typical OOkrainian female politician.
File:Ukraine.ball.png|Jews = fascists?!
Image:Meanwhile ukraine.jpg|Pets in the OOkraine.
Image:Ukrainian memorial.jpg|A memorial for OOkrainian womynz Located in the center of Prague
Image:Auto.jpg|A normal [[Jew]] car in OOkraine
Image:Ukrainian bra.jpg|The traditional OOkrainian bra
Image:Ukrainian gandalf.jpg|OOkrainian riot Gandalf
Image:Lenin toilet.jpg|Fuck Lenin - Hail The Golden Toilet!
Image:Ukraine kalgotki.jpg
Image:Angry ukrainians.jpg
Image:Gas mask ukraine meanwhile.jpg
Image:Ukrainian paper.jpg
Image:Serpimolot.jpg|Coat of Arms
Image:Romanian.jpg|A Romanian showing off newly bought OOkrainian meat
Image:Ukraine9.jpg|An OOkrainian womyn
Image:Koizumi.JPG|Yulia Timoshenko - a well-known politician of the OOkraine
Image:Ukraine_reklama.jpg|Life without love? With Krokodil it`s possible!
File:Ukr right sector.jpg|This is how an average Ukie looks like
Image:Native ukrainian.jpg|The ideal of OOkrainian beauty for OOkrainian "men"
File:Coat.of.arms.jpg|It's pretty self-explanatory
File:Karatel.jpg
File:Kakl.jpg
File:Gayukraine.JPG
File:Nazi.azov.jpg|Nazi propaganda #1
File:Nazi.border.png|Nazi propaganda #2
File:Nazi.christfg.jpg|Nazi propaganda #3
File:Nazi.cossack.jpg|Nazi propaganda #4 (It says 'Death to the Jew' on the flag)
File:Nazi.nati.guard.jpg|Nazi propaganda #5
File:Nazi.rocket.a.jpg|Nazi propaganda #6
File:Nazi.space.jpg|Nazi propaganda #7 (I dun even kno what this means)
File:Q i5eNt3XHs.jpg|More OOkrainian Nazi propaganda #8 - so original
File:Aryan man.jpg|Aryan Master Race reporting in
File:Aryan ukr.jpg|Are Jews even people?
File:Hol shit.jpg|OOkrainian hacker be like
File:Black hair ukr.jpg|Is there anything more OOkrainian than that?
File:Churka vsu.jpg
File:Cyborg donetsk.jpg
File:Cyborg turk.jpg
File:Ukrainian patrol guard.jpg|Chernobyl area occupied by the OOkrainian nationalists
File:Protesterrrr.jpg
File:Ukrainian freedom protester.jpg|OOkrainian protester with his helmet
File:Ukrainian BDSM.jpg| BDSM in OOkraine
File:Furfags in ukraine.jpg|Furfags in OOkraine
File:Ukraine in trash.jpg
File:Ass on fire ukr.jpg|Fried mongol anyone?
File:OIZCEKk0eSA.jpg|So metal \m/
File:Ukrainian grandmans.jpg|They supported Hitler during WW2 and some still do
File:DF-PQCFUBTo.jpg|I've found this on the OOkrainian propaganda web page
File:UW4 R HB2aw.jpg|Heil the Kyiv cutlets!
File:Meanwhile in ukraine - putin.jpg| Meanwhile in the OOkraine...
File:Great wall of ukraine.jpg|The great wall of the OOkraine
File:Imperfect+russia b236a1 5042386.png
File:Eleonora 18.jpeg|Eastern Europe has an untarnished relation to traditional European values
File:Finno mongol ukr.jpg|Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
File:Ukr brow.jpg|Undisputed evidence that Ukies got raped by the Mongols
File:Ching chong ukr.jpg|Unadultered pure European genes
File:Ukr user.jpg|The man behind Hillary Clinton email scandal (now works for WikiLeaks)
File:Ukrainian beauty.jpg|This is considered a solid 9 in Ukraine
File:Ukr mongol tatar.jpg|TURAN TURAN!!
File:Ukro finn.jpg|Member of the AZOV Nazi Batallion (now part of National Guard)
File:Hell yeah.jpg
File:Haha so funny.jpg
File:Kiev Protests.jpg
File:Ukraine Crisis.png
File:Untermensch.jpg|Ukrainians are Subhumans
File:UkrainiansareEuropesNiggers.jpg
File:Blaaaaa.jpg|A hidden meaning - not everyone will get
</gallery>|}}

==Video==
<center>
<youtube>xoKwbbnlxi0</youtube>
<youtube>VHvudnPUXnI</youtube>
<youtube>cq845AXPcjQ</youtube>
<youtube>-zrqcB934Qk</youtube>
<youtube>vT9SvbjSB_o</youtube>
<youtube>Cri7aQHRT7k</youtube>
</center>

== See also ==
* [[Andy Schlafly]] - denies the existence of this nation.
* [[Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17]]
* [[3Guys1Hammer]] — pastime in the OOkraine
* [[1guy1jar]] - apparently, yet another traditional OOkrainian pastime
* [[Riots#Ukrainian_Chimpout|Ukrainian Chimpout]]
* [[Quicksand Fetish]]
* [[Natalia Poklonskaya]]

==External links==
* [linktr.ee/portraitsofukraine buy this award-winning bestseller book to counter the lies of Putin and his vermin]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20140529161200/https://www.realjewnews.com/?p=937 Jewry’s Puppet… Petro Poroshenko]
* [http://sviatko.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=0 The artist responsible for the Ukrainian Nazi propaganda posters]
*[https://drama.kropyva.ch/ Ukrainian ED]

{{commonwealth}}

{{Russia}}

{{Timeline|Featured article January 26 and 27, [[2022]]|[[WingsofRedemption]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[United Nations]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article March 2 and March 3, [[2022]]|[[Putin]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[World War III]]}}

[[Category:Locations]]
[[category:Rusfags]]

Southern Poverty Law Center

2026-05-16T03:03:27Z

Crow caw:

{{spoiler|[https://www.splcenter.org/hatewatch/2018/02/08/evidence-new-mexico-school-shooter%E2%80%99s-involvement-racist-alt-right-overwhelming according to splc standards, ed is an alt-right website]}}

The '''Southern Poverty Law Center''' (or '''Stupid Propagandizing Libtard Commies''') is an anti-conservative and "anti-racist" group in the [[United States]] which only targets right-wing people because of biased reasons. It was originally formed in 1971 in [[Alabama]]. It has in recent years become a mouthpiece of [[Communists|progressives]] spewing [[social justice]] faggotry. Apparently, the only hate groups in the US are right-wing groups, and if the left has any hate groups, it's perfectly okay and they're exempt from being listed. They gained notoriety in June 2017 when they condemned the anti-Sharia law protests going on in the United States, claiming they're [[Islamophobia|Islamophobic]]. Yet, the SPLC is completely fucking clueless on the [[Pulse Nightclub Massacre|what happened in Orlando in June 2016]]. Liberal idiocy at its worst, right?

Their so-called hate watch is also notoriously biased. Hate speech by non-whites? It's "understandable" and cool, they can do that. Hate speech by [[White Devils]]? Dat's racist!

The SPLC lobbies heavily for more government surveillance, and they really really hate freedom of speech. They're like [[Mike Chitwood]].

<center><youtube>qNFNH0lmYdM</youtube></center>
==See Also==
*[[ACLU]] - Another SJW-hijacked group
*[[NAACP]] - The nigger SJW version of SPLC
*[[Antifa]]

{{stub}}

{{acronyms}}
{{sj}}
[[Category:America]][[Category:Charities]][[Category:Enemies]][[Category:Fake News]][[Category:Racial Tolerance]]

Hardcore Dancing

2026-05-16T02:47:23Z

Crow caw: /* Special Moves */

{{Warning|Watching Hardcore Dancing can cause overdose in [[lulz]] resulting in hospitalisation}}
 
[[Image:Seizure.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Hardcore/slam dancing. Seriously, this is what it looks like.]]
Not to be confused with children suffering from [[mental retardation]], [[Epilepsy|epileptics]], or anyone else suffering from [[disease|violent illness]], '''hardcore dancing''' is also known as "''slam dancing''". Invented [[last Thursday]] by [[emo]] [[children]] and scenesters as a [[vegan]] alternative to moshing. Comparable to parlor karate in many ways, the original aim was to create a form of dance that was more [[extreme]] than mosh, but ended up being just like those who created it: shallow, trendy, and unnaturally idiotic in appearance.

==Special Moves==
All the hardcore emo children know the names of the radical techniques used to make one's self look like a seizure victim among retards. A few of these special moves include:
*'''The windmill''' - Performed by rotating the right joystick rapidly while mashing the left trigger. Causes [[moshzilla]] to whirl its arms around like a 5 year old on [[drugs|meth]].
*'''The two step''' - Performed by stepping forward with the left foot, stepping forward with the right foot, slowly stepping forward with the left foot, and the pausing for a beat.
*'''The axehandle''' - Just like the windmill.
*'''Floorpunch''' - Unlike the old days of Grunge where one would actually punch the floor until there was either no floor or fist left, floorpunching in emo terms means punching at the floor and missing repeatedly.
*'''Picking up change''' - All the vintage clothing leads onlookers the believe that the scenester is in need of money. Hence, this move was created.
*'''Crowd killing''' - Performed by moshing as usual.
*'''Spin kicks''' - Throw one leg up into the air and flail it around as long as you can without falling over, making one susceptible to a floorpunch.
*'''Raging Wheelborrow''' - Similar to [[buttsex]], this legendary move requires two people and the ability to do pushups.
*'''The 2-Step''' - Proceed to dance by crossing ones legs as if moving however staying stationary, this is achieved by then moving the leg that was crossed over infront of the other, continue to do this multiple times, this can be combined with floor-punches and many other puss-core moves. A favourite of [[sexy]] blonde country girls and their chubby white trailer park trash doppelgangers at a drunken barn dance.

Put together, these [[1337]] moves make the perfect disguise. That is, if someone wanted to disguise themself as a trendy dumbass or epileptic.

Generally, these "moves" all kind of look the same.

Here's an example of the gayness level of this so called dance:
<youtube>qMndtBAZk_o</youtube>

And this:
<youtube>ZKjUg9b6_Rc</youtube>

==See Also==
*[[Mosh Girl]]
*[[Ripper]], the most [[Hardcore]] kid ever
*[[Scene]]
*[[sXe]]

==External Links==
*[http://coalitionagainsthardcoredancing.com/ The coalition against hardcore dancing] Noble site attempting to turn down the volume of stupid.
*[http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7991077602494448851&pl=true Emorobics] Like aerobics, but with the eighties music replaced by runny diarhea.
*[http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-73869860067856247&q=mosh Proof] of the existance of the Raging Wheelborrow and how incredibily [[hxc]] it really is.
*[http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8405221976627044307 Proper technique] for getting your [[pwned|shit ruined]].

{{Music}}

[[Category: Fandom Stuff]]
[[Category: Music]]

Arizona

2026-05-16T02:45:31Z

Crow caw: /* Local Celebrities */

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT DEMOCRAT GOVERNOR KATIE HOBBS EXECUTES PEOPLE IN GAS CHAMBERS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)
* Gas chamber executions 75+ years after the Nazis last did it.
* [[Bullshit|ZOMG IT'S A SWING STATE CRITICAL SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE KEY SWING STATE PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!!1!!]]

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by sexy chubby white/trailer park trash bitches. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, which will piss of the evil [[Randal O'Toole]]. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not ruin stations with excessive parking lots. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

Being mentally ill, homeless or autistic in Phoenix carries a mandatory death penalty. No trial; the cops will murder you instantly and get away with it. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get sent to the gas chamber. Eat your heart out, [[Alabama]] and [[Mao|Jeff Landry]]! There's a new modern day Hitler in town!

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, [[Jew|Jimmy Eat World]], literally every [[deathcore]] band and other shitty [[emo]], pop punk, [[metalcore]] and alternative bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].
*Drew Binsky, [[Israhell]] supporter and supposed philanthropist who thinks from a terminally US-centric perspective despite being a rich [[Jew|globalist]].
*Barry Goldwater, eugenics supporter. Thankfully burning in hell.
*Chris Oskins, retired pig and serial rapist.
*Susie Greener, feminazi with tuberculosis.

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Arizona

2026-05-16T02:43:30Z

Crow caw: nigger

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT DEMOCRAT GOVERNOR KATIE HOBBS EXECUTES PEOPLE IN GAS CHAMBERS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)
* Gas chamber executions 75+ years after the Nazis last did it.
* [[Bullshit|ZOMG IT'S A SWING STATE CRITICAL SWING STATE CRITICAL BATTLEGROUND STATE KEY SWING STATE PIVOTAL SWING STATE BEST PLACE EVER ONLY PLACE THAT MATTERS EVERY ELECTION YEAR MUH MANUFACTURING JOBZZZ!!!!!1!!]]

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by sexy chubby white/trailer park trash bitches. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, which will piss of the evil [[Randal O'Toole]]. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not ruin stations with excessive parking lots. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

Being mentally ill, homeless or autistic in Phoenix carries a mandatory death penalty. No trial; the cops will murder you instantly and get away with it. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get sent to the gas chamber. Eat your heart out, [[Alabama]] and [[Mao|Jeff Landry]]! There's a new modern day Hitler in town!

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, and other shitty [[emo]] bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].
*Drew Binsky, [[Israhell]] supporter and supposed philanthropist who thinks from a terminally US-centric perspective despite being a rich [[Jew|globalist]].
*Chris Oskins, retired pig and serial rapist.
*Susie Greener, feminazi with tuberculosis.

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Arizona

2026-05-16T02:39:08Z

Crow caw: /* Phoenix Valley */

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JAN BREWER MADE THE FIRST DEATH PANELS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by white/trailer park trash. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, which will piss of the evil [[Randal O'Toole]]. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not ruin stations with excessive parking lots. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

Being mentally ill, homeless or autistic in Phoenix carries a mandatory death penalty. No trial; the cops will murder you instantly and get away with it. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get sent to the gas chamber. Eat your heart out, [[Alabama]] and [[Mao|Jeff Landry]]! There's a new modern day Hitler in town!

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, and other shitty [[emo]] bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].
*Drew Binsky, [[Israhell]] supporter and supposed philanthropist who thinks from a terminally US-centric perspective despite being a rich [[Jew|globalist]].
*Chris Oskins, retired pig and serial rapist.

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Arizona

2026-05-16T02:34:58Z

Crow caw: /* Local Celebrities */

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JAN BREWER MADE THE FIRST DEATH PANELS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by white/trailer park trash. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, where there will be an [[at least 100]] percent chance you can meet an authentic methhead. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and, unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not require you to provide proof of ticket purchase before getting on the platform. The Rail works by an "honor system", and there's maybe a one-in-ten chance one of the underpaid Valley Metro employees will board to check your tickets. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, and other shitty [[emo]] bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].
*Drew Binsky, [[Israhell]] supporter and supposed philanthropist who thinks from a terminally US-centric perspective despite being a rich [[Jew|globalist]].
*Chris Oskins, retired pig and serial rapist.

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Arizona

2026-05-16T02:32:52Z

Crow caw: /* Joe Arpaio */

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JAN BREWER MADE THE FIRST DEATH PANELS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by white/trailer park trash. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, where there will be an [[at least 100]] percent chance you can meet an authentic methhead. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and, unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not require you to provide proof of ticket purchase before getting on the platform. The Rail works by an "honor system", and there's maybe a one-in-ten chance one of the underpaid Valley Metro employees will board to check your tickets. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, and other shitty [[emo]] bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

Since leaving power, Arpaio has been replaced by a much worse copycat in [[Florida]] named [[Hitler|Grady Judd]].

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Arizona

2026-05-16T02:32:05Z

Crow caw: /* Places to be and die */

{{achtung|[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/us/03transplant.html?hp HOLY SHIT REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JAN BREWER MADE THE FIRST DEATH PANELS IN ARIZONA!]}}
 

{{quote|'''Arizona smells funny.'''|Homer Simpson [http://archive.fo/raLnB]}}
 
[[Image:Arizona obstetrics gynecology.jpg|thumb|All these people are from Arizona and stick their hands into [[vagina|vaginas]] for a living. '''ENVY THEM!''']]

Invoking Godwin's Law.

[[Image:Meanwhile_in_Arizona.jpg|thumb|'''Arizona is ruled by Hitler and his merry men!''']]
[[Image:hackedirl-prius-repellant.jpg|thumb|Note AZ license]]
[[Image:ArizonaHitler.png|thumb|Typical Arizonian]]

Arizona has:
* Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
* New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
* SB 1070
* Marijuana
* Furries
* Wiggers
* Bros
* Weeaboos
* No Accents. Huzzah!
* [[Joe Arpaio]] who will [[rape|sodomize your ass]] and suck your [[genitals|dick/pussy]] UPDATE: HE GONE!!
* Mostly [[Mexican|Mexicans]]
* [[Law 4 Kids|Too many laws]] (except for gun laws)
* Too many [[Mormon|Mormons]]
* Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty [[redneck|white-trash]] look
* People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
* Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]
* [[John McCain|Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways]]
* [[meth|Meth]] labs constantly blowing up
* People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
* No accents. Huzzah!
* A grotesque amount of [[obese|fat people]] that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
* [[John McCain|Dirty old men]].
* The [[hole|Grand Canyon]]
* A surprising number of [[Prostitute|stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.]]
*Sedona, a place filled with fucking [[stoner|hippy freaks]].
*Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
*Pinal County (you said Penal).
*Desert (HOT).
*The most expensive preschool ever, [[Vagina|ASU]]
*Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and [http://archive.fo/p20lI people senile enough to walk on it barefoot].
* And [[Nothing|much much more!]]
[[Spanish]], Juggalo and [[Ebonics]] are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and [[white]] people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap [[Jews]]) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a [[Mexican]] ghetto surrounded by white/trailer park trash. What's scarier is that it's [[IRL]]. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.

== Climate ==
[[Image:Arizonaairconditioner.jpg|thumb|left|250 px|Typical Arizona air conditioner, as seen from low earth orbit.]]

Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are [[genius|allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees ]]. Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, [[Lie|which perhaps is halfway decent.]] It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona [[immigrant|for half the year]] once the temperature gets to when all the [[you|normal Arizonians]] get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of [[liberalism|liberals]]. Their constant bitching, smoking [[drugs|weed]], and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even ''have'' liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.

== Phoenix Valley ==

The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.

The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, where there will be an [[at least 100]] percent chance you can meet an authentic methhead. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and, unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not require you to provide proof of ticket purchase before getting on the platform. The Rail works by an "honor system", and there's maybe a one-in-ten chance one of the underpaid Valley Metro employees will board to check your tickets. Nice!

Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or [[AIDS]], have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked [[Joe Arpaio|dirty old man]] doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.

It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users

Tempe is the Valley's [[college]] town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop [[Adderall]]; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.

Mesa has [[Mormons]]. Really, that's about it.

Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, [[failure]], and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the [[golf|Phoenix Open]]! [[At least 100]] percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.

== Tucson and Pima County ==

Basically [[Mexico]].

[[Jared Lee Loughner]] was from here. Nothing much else to say about this [[suburban]] sprawl in the wasteland.

== Yuma County ==

Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking [[Canada|snowbirds]] clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican [[Viagra]]. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its '''fucking hot''' there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.

==Somerton==
[[Image:Soma.jpg|thumb|This is Somerton]]
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is [[mexican]] and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.

== BORDERline ==

[[Image:Illegalimmigrant.JPG|thumb|right|Time to get a job at [[Walmart]].]]
[[Image:Buffed_up_patriotic_hispanic_nigra.jpg|thumb|right|POOL SHORTAGE CLOSES AZ!]]

Arizona is also known for being the main destination for [[Mexico|border hoppers]], also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a [[suicide|suicidal]] mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local [[Walmart]] and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the [[liberalism|liberals]] band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!

Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and [http://archive.fo/IgEf tried to do something about it]. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and [http://archive.fo/pbbJd romped around the desert hunting Mexicans]. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and [[fail]]. '''Update: ''' In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired [[Lawyers|attorneys]], who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing [[police]] to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for [[identity theft]] purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in [[Win|WIN]] for the <s>skinheads</s> Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.

Come winter, Arizona is plagued by [[Canada|Canadians]], all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way '''too pale''', too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.

==Education==
[[File:Mind the gap.jpg|thumb|right]]
Arizona is the stupidest state in the <s>nation</s>continental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:

*NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent [[weed|herbology]] program. (But they have nice buildings!)

*ASU - Arizona State University, located in <s>[[Hell|Phoenix</s> Tempe]], is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
:ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
:ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
**<s>[http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813600 ASU STD SONG]</s>
**[http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090319195219AA3Gw5m I heard that ASU is known for sluts and STD's.]

*U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by [[engineer|Engineering]] students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of [[cats]].

== Wildlife ==

Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), [[Furries]], Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.

One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.

[[Image:Chollacactus.jpg|250 px|The Cactus.]]
[[Image:Chollacactus1.jpg|250 px|After you touch it.]]

Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary [[Insane|batshit crazy]] tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. [[MONGO]]), and [[LJDrama|LJ dramatists]] who wish to [[hivemind|steal your thoughts.]]

== Local Celebrities ==

*[[Stephanie Meyer]], author of the paradigm-shattering [[Twilight]] series of young-adult novels
*[[John McCain]], Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is [[lie|not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right]]. (lol DED)
*Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that [[Shit no one cares about|no one cares about]].
*[[Alice Cooper]], a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
*Blessthefall, The Maine, and other shitty [[emo]] bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in [[Ohio|other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd]].

== THAT. BIRD.==
[[File:Arizonatrumprally.jpg|thumb|right]]
Generally considered to be the best team in [[football]], [[Hell|Arizona]] houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of [[shit]]. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to [[Iraq]] - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players [[circle jerk|circle jerking]] each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.

Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.

:UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
:ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.

== University of Phoenix Stadium ==
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the [[football]] team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at [[football]] although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.

== [[Joe Arpaio]] ==

[[Image:Arpaio underwear.jpg|thumb|right|Joe holding up a Wikipedian's shitty shorts after he fapped into them]]

In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, [[nazi|Joe Arpaio]] <s>is</s> was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as [[fapping]] material for most [[anti-lulz|sociopaths]].

Along with introducing [[gay|pink]] handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as [[hell|"Tent City"]], he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a [[cripple]], [[lulz|beating a blind guy into a coma,]] letting inmates kill some guy named [[Simpsons|Flanders]], etc. etc. Plus he has employed [[Scientologist]] tactics in terms of media censorship and [[Internet Tough Guy|intimidation]]. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a [[racist]] motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing [[communist|freedom of the press.]] He has also endorsed [[crazy|Susan]] [[bitch|Bitter-Smith]], which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of [[lulz]] and [[awesome]].

Many failed recall petitions have attempted to [[V&]] him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the <s>American people</s> whiney [[leftards]]. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then [[Trump]] pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.

== Places to be and die ==
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande ([[moar]] like Casa Ghetto, [[amirite]]?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine. As for the "die" piece, the new governor Katie Hobbs is an [[California|Adolf Newsom]] supporter who will violently execute you in a [[Nazi]] gas chamber for entertainment. The AG Mark Burnovich will beat you to death with nunchucks. Yay [[death penalty|barbarianism]]!

==See Also==

*[[Gabrielle Giffords]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
 

[[category:Locations]]
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that <del>wishes it was East California.</del> should be nuked.

Wal-Mart

2026-05-13T02:06:22Z

Crow caw: /* New Logo */

[[Image:Waldoprisonbitch.jpg|thumb|One of the fantasies of Sam Walton that started it all.]]
Where [[Satan]] resides. '''Wal-Mart''' ([[Lies|Save Money, Live Better]]) is a purgatory for desperate [[Redneck|rednecks]], illegal [[spic]]s, filthy [[Nigger|niggers]] looking for some watermelon and coolaid and [[furries]] looking for stuffed animals to [[rape]], and [[oxymoron|Jews who spent all their golds]].

[[Unfunny|Wal-Mart was named after Waldo of the acclaimed ''"Where's Waldo?"'' book series;]] it was created [[at least 100 years ago]] while Sam Walton was at home huffing paint fumes and reading "Where's Waldo" books with [[Dragonball Z]] playing in the background. It was during a moment of epiphany, fapping to mental images of Waldo sodomizing Goku when he realized that not only did he pay WAY too much for his cans of spray paint but that he could build a store based upon the economic concepts of cheap inhalants for everyone with a power level of [[over 9,000]], thereby acting out his fantasy of Waldo-esque sodomy upon the retail industry of America.

[[Image:walmartlady.jpg|thumb|A [[typical]] Wal-Mart [[Nigger|customer]].]]

When a Wal-Mart opens, the local economy is gradually destroyed. Hicks and shortsighted morons alike go there to save a buck, but they don't realize that the dollar they save is an investment in their own apocalypse. Eventually all the local businesses close, since local businesses have a thing about paying their employees a decent living wage and buying reasonably ethical stock, whereas Wal-Mart sells everything under the sun for half the price, because they buy in bulk and only sell cheap garbage made by five year olds in [[China]] or some such. The farmers are ruined because Wal-Mart only keeps food prices low by importing from a country where production can be done for a fraction of the price, due to things like limited environmental regulations, and a generally weak economy which lends to exploitation of labour (understanding that things like Wal-Mart are the reason the poor countries are such shit holes to begin with). Fortunately, when all the poor buggers who didn't know better than to participate in the forming of the evil monopoly, they can still afford to shop for cheap junk and nutritionally useless food harvested from clear-cut rainforest at the local Wal-Mart that ruined them. [[Liberal guilt|Er... okay...]]

[[Some say |There is reasonable speculation]] that Wal-Mart could actually be Satan's own cock, which has materialized on earth to rape us all, shooting fiery molten cumshots all over anything it comes near.

== How to troll Wal-Mart ==
[[Image:Walmart_Trolling_1.jpg|right|thumb]]
[[Image:Walmart_Trolling_2.jpg|right|thumb]]
Wal-Mart presents vast potential as a [[lolcow]] due to the combined stupidity of its employees, customers and policies, which makes for much lulzy synergy.
If you want to scare the living shit out of the managers, just use one of the below codes:
*'''Code [[Bioshock|ADAM]]''' - [[Pedophile|Missing child]]
*'''Code Blue''' - Bomb
*'''Code Red''' - Fire
*'''Code Orange''' - Chemical Spill
*'''Code [[Nigger|Black]]''' - Weather warning
*'''Code [[Weed|Green]]''' - Hostage Situation
*'''Code [[Shit|Brown]]''' - Shooting Situation
*'''Code C''' - Customer Service
*'''Code 10''' - Dry Spill
*'''Code 20''' - Wet Spill
*'''Code 90''' - Management
*'''Code 300''' - Security
*'''Store # - Backup needed''' - (all male employees and security)
A step by step guide to [[trolling]] Wal-Mart, kindly brought to you by [[Anonymous]]:
 
[[Image:Anonymouswalmart.jpg|800px|center]]
 
It should be noted that as soon as you send in your [[goatse|pictures]], they will automatically start printing. Because of their stupidity, do not feel the need to have [[troll's remorse]], they deserve to be trolled.

If you find yourself IN the store, here is a list of things to do.
# Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 10 minute intervals.
# Start playing football. See how many people you can get to join in.
# Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
# Walk up to an employee and in an official tone say, "I think we've got a code brown in housewares." See what happens.
# Tune all the radios to a polka station, turn them off, set them to Max volume, and turn them all on.
# While in any department, yell "Who BUYS this shit ANYWAY?"
# <s>Put M&M's on layaway.</s> [[lulz killers|Wal-Mart got smart and stopped layaway because people have credit cards now.]]
# TP as much of the store as possible.
# Randomly throw things into neighboring isles.
# Blockade an entire toy isle by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes VS. the X-Men.
# Take bets on the battle.
# When handling guns in the hunting department, ask where the antidepressants are.
# <s> Switch the men's and women's signs on the bathrooms.</s> That doesn't work because the signs USUALLY don't move. What fags.
# Dart around suspiciously while humming the ''Mission Impossible'' theme
# When an announcement comes over the intercom, assume the fetal position and scream, "THE VOICES ARE BACK!"
# Go to an empty check-out stand and try to check people out.
# Hold indoor shopping cart races.
# Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap.
# Put condoms and\or pregnancy tests in random people's carts.
# Drive around the entrances screaming, "The British are coming!"
# Jump through a pyramid of cans yelling, "IM GONNA SAVE US FROM THAT BOMB!"
# Slip and fall with shit that breaks like milk, eggs, and so forth. Make sure to cry in embarrassment at the mess you have made.
# Grab a whole stack of gift cards then use a non-working credit card to try and fill them. Get angry at the cashier and ask to see a manager saying they are doing it wrong.
# Ask to speak with a manager at service. When they come, ask them if they can have someone type an application for you at the job kiosk. If they refuse tell them you will call the corporate office to snitch on them for you are disabled and can't type (illiteracy; basically perfect for any Wal-Mart job).
# Go to a phone (there are several hanging on poles or at empty counters) and press #96. This will get you the intercom. [https://web.archive.org/web/20100322202759/https://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5g-CWMyOCHHqygDurAK5M6908P_TwD9EGB4TO0 You know what to do]. (Note: SOME Wal-Marts have a store number restriction. Check your receipt for the store number [I.E. #5080].)
# Make an attractive stack of pregnancy test kits and/or condoms in the junior-wear dept.
# If someones breath stinks, do them a favor and throw some Colgate into their cart.
# Switch the yellow price tags (''located under the item on the shelf'') to confuse customers on prices.
# Begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?!" when an employee asks if they can help you.
# Hide in a clothing rack and yell, "PICK ME! PICK ME!" when a customer browses through.
# Set up a tent in the camping isle. Tell other customers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
# March out of the dressing rooms and, in an angry/serious tone, ask an employee, "Why isn't there any toilet paper in these stalls?!"
# If you're an old person walk...as...slowly...as...possible.
# Replace all the [[cash]] with Colgate
# Hide in a clothing rack and yell "[[Hitler]] is my hero!", which scares the SHIT out of any customer.
# Set all the computers while they aren't looking to [[Pain Series]], [[Goatse]], or [[Last Measure]]. For even more lulz, redirect them to [[Offended]].
# Purchase a brand new, unopened item from say, K-Mart or Target that Wal-Mart does NOT have in stock, bring that into Wally World, go up to one of front checkout counters and have the cashier try to ring the product up.
# Buy like 10 bags of frozen ice and keep it in your shopping cart. In an hour or two, try to check out.
# Use a cellphone to call the Wal-Mart Customer Center, while you're speaking to them, walk up to that person that you are talking to; see reaction...?... PROFIT!!!
# Dress up as [[Pedobear]] and greet young children in the toy aisle (make sure you're under the age of 18).
# Dress up as a lion and greet Wal-Mart shoppers in the hardware department while saying, "Welcome to Narnia!"
# Try to go through an 20-items-or-less checkout with 50 or 60 items in your cart.
# Call in a Code Black for extreme weather. The employees are trained to group at the center of the store in severe weather situations, leaving customers free to [[Riots|loot and break things]].
# Call in a Code Adam. It should be noted, however, that in the event of Code Adam that all the doors are locked while security searches for a nonexistent missing child.
# Hold a pillow fight in the pillow aisle.
# Tell the illegal migrants to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
# Ask how much it cost to completely remodel all stores to convert all signs and product labels to [[Spanish]] to pander to the [[illegals]] who refuse to even try to learn English at all.
# Go to the camping section, unroll one of the sleeping bags, and proceed to take a nap in the middle of the aisle. For extra [[lulz]], crawl into the sleeping bag with a pet and have bestiality sex.
# Run out the front door screaming, "[[ALL CAPS|OH MY GOD, HE HAS A GUN!]]" Lulz are sure to follow.
# Wear a cute sexy pair of Big Feet adult footie pajamas in the store. Adult footie pajamas are sexy but usually associated with Walmart's main rival [[Target]].
# Ask why did much of the [[San Francisco]] area ban Walmarts.
# Call [[ICE]] on a Walmart store.
# Ask if you can test out their condoms before you buy them.
# Get on the intercom and start screaming the [[Gorilla Warfare|Navy Seal Copypasta]].
# Ask them if they'll print a t-shirt with [http://images.uncyc.org/commons/f/f3/WalMarx.gif this picture] on it.
# [https://web.archive.org/web/20150107062955/https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/region-citrus-hernando/brooksville-police-arrest-man-for-masturbating-in-walmart-with-stuffed-animal Masturbate with a My Little Pony plushie and put it back on the shelf after you're done with it].
# Go wait in line and unleash a roaring fart in front of people.
# Take a shit on the floor in the bathroom

== Shoplifting ==

Shoplifting from walmart is extremely easy and unless you are an [[nigger]], you will be able to steal all kinds of shit. If you are a [[spic]], all you have to do is pretend to "no habla ingles".

Although you may feel [[troll's remorse]] from stealing, Walmart is a multi-billion dollar company who treats it's workers like shit, and stealing items from them won't impact them in any way.

== Sam Walton's Vision ==
[[Image:Walmartover9k.jpg|thumb|Sam Walton's vision come to life, with a power level of [[OVER 9000]]!]]

'''In the Beginning'''

Spurred on by visions of a cheap fix, Sam Walton decided that it was not good enough that he alone enjoy the benefits of cheap paint; no, he wanted to share this with everyone. He originally decided to open a simple discount spraypaint store, but Sam Walton found himself stonewalled when he realized that Sherwin Williams Paint company had already begun its dastardly plan to "cover the earth". After being assraped repeatedly by agents of the global paint conspiracy that is Sherwin Williams, Sam Walton decided to sidestep their monopoly by opening an entire grocery store and to simply pay a bit of protection money to Sherwin Williams for periodic shipments of paint. So basically, he just wanted some FUCKIN OIL AND SOME FUCKIN MONEY THAT WE DON'T HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

'''The Wal-Mart [[rape|business]] Plan:'''

Being a native born [[troll]], Sam Walton couldn't help but giggle as he enacted his never-before-seen strategy of retailing, devised while being forced to watch crappy [[Lifetime]] movies about [[rape]] and [[incest]] with his wife:

1. Rape the shit out of (later known as "rollback") prices in small towns first. They are defenseless and totally [[asking for it]].

2. Once all the [[loli|small towns]] have been turned into metaphorical cum dumpsters full of cash, hire lots of illegal immigrants so that if anyone opposes Wal-Mart's expansion into big cities their rims get stolen and their girlfriends/daughters/grandmothers knocked up the next day.

3. [[????]]

4. [[PROFIT]]!

5.[[Shamwow|SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD,SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD,SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.]]

6. Hire illegal migrants from south of the border to save on staffing costs. No speak English? No problem. Walmart now mandates Spanish as its sole official language and offers shipping from the USA to its baby daddy [[Mexico]].

== The Results of Sam Walton's Trolling ==
[[Image:Sherwinwilliams.jpg|thumb|Sam Walton's first obstacle to success: The Paint Mafia that IS Sherwin Williams.]]
[[Image:Shoplifter.jpg|thumb|]]

[[Butthurt]] over being raped [[in the ass]] by the hellspawn of Sam Walton's deal with [[Mexicans]] and Sherwin Williams at the expense of everyone except [[furries]] and [[jews]], some people have begun anti-walmart campaigns during the hours in which they are not employed by wal-mart, buying shit at Wal-Mart, enjoying said shit bought at wal-mart, buying something somewhere else that was originally made for wal-mart at a second hand store to "stick it to the man", shoplifting from Wal-Mart, picking up their meds at wal-mart's pharmacy so they don't go [[batshit]] crazy, eating at one of the [[McDonalds]] that have begun popping up in Wal-Mart stores like genital warts or conducting business at one of the "convenient" banks popping up next to the McDonalds herpes sores like buboes.

'''General Arguments of those suffering rectal bleeding from Wal-Mart:'''

# They give jobs to non-English speaking [[Mexico|illegal immigrants]], which is Un-[[American]].
# Their products are made in [[China]] and various 3rd world nations, thus unsupportive in the investment of American industry.
# Wal-Mart likes to kill baby deer when they choose new site locations.
# Wal-Mart believes in "community involvement".
# Wal-Mart insists on spelling the company's name in a cheer to adjourn every associate meeting in which they call the hyphen a "squiggly", thus undermining the rules of the [[Burger King|King's]] English.
# Totally did [[9/11|WTC]] to sell party supplies with the American flag on, ed hardy shit, silkscreen prints of eagles with tears in their eyes, Jew-hanging kits et cetera.

'''Additional Repartee from the [[Butthurt]]'''

The communist retail chains also indirectly flaunt political messages to their customers. When observing a Wal-Mart receipt, you will find a subversive message:

[[Image:Walmart.gif]]

Wal-Mart is no longer the largest corporation in the world (it is Exxon Corporation). Next on their agenda, the [[world]]. There is not one spot in America where there ''is not'' a Wal-Mart. The employees are the basis for the movement as they are the rejects of society. [[Old people|Old fart]], [[Mexican]], [[teenager]], [[basement dweller]]... if you're one of these, Wal-Mart has a spot for you.

Evil albeit cheap of Wal-Mart's evil tendencies is their respect for poor people. They give jobs to the elderly, build Wal-Mart's in the [[ghetto]], and offer their services to [[pedophiles]]. This makes every trip to the local Wal-Mart a trip into [[pussy|'''paralyzing fear''']]. [[Pregnant]] teenagers with nowhere to go often camp out in the tent sections of the Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is generous and forgiving when the political undertones of [[genocide|mass murder]]/domination are ignored. Praise Wal-Mart for its below the norm prices.

You can support Wal-Mart's movement to conquer the world, which is reminiscent of [[Hitler]], or you can opt for paying 3 cents more at another supermarket. The choice is yours.

[[Image:Walmart56.png]]

'''Sam Walton's Response'''

Being a seasoned [[troll]], Sam Walton did not experience any sort of [[troll's remorse]] and shortly before his death issued the following statement to those opposed to his chain of stores:

{{Quote|I did it for the lulz!|Sam Walton, displaying the artful parry most used by the seasoned [[troll]] upon encountering the [[butthurt]]}}

==Walmartians==
The people who actually live at Walmart. Some are migratory, moving from one Walmart to another. Others sleep in the furniture aisles. Only about 23% of walmartians actually work at Walmart.
 '''Random facts about walmartians'''
*Walmartians can only breathe Walmart air, which has a particular mix of white trash bacteria, soccer mom perfume, and human body vapor.
*Walmartians get from Walmart to Walmart via special "Sub Urban Vehicles."
*Walmartians smell like damp flour.
*Walmartians Test shopping trolleys to destruction:
*Walmartians can only be seen from 12:00 to 6:00 am on weekends. For they cannot intake rays of the sun during the light of day

[[Image:Walmartians1.jpg|thumb|190px|Walmartian's Survival Guide, for only $99.99.]]

==New Logo==
[[Image:Walmartlogo2008.png|thumb|right|Changing your company's logo doesn't change the fact that you're an evil, manipulative conglomerate.]]
In [[2008]], Wal-Mart did away with their star logo for a sunburst in a [[pathetic]] attempt to improve their corporate image. Despite the logo change, they're still underpaying workers, discriminating against [[Black people|minorities]] (except [[spics]], by refusing to hire anyone that doesn't "[[STUPID|SE HABLA/HABLAMOS ESPANOL]]"), [[women]] and manufacturing shoddily built [[plastic crap]] for the [[lemming]]-like masses to consume.

'''[[PROTIP]]:''' If you look closely at the white dot in the middle, it kind of looks like the [[World War II|imperial]] [[Japanese]] flag. Makes you think, huh?

==Acts of arson and murder carried out under the orders Wal-Mart corporate executives and CEOs==
In 2001, a family of six living in Colorado had a house on a piece of land that Wal-Mart wanted to build a superstore at. They tried offering to buy the house from the family for less than 1/4 of what their house was worth. When they refused, less than one day later, their house mysteriously burned down, killing everyone inside, including 3 young children. The Wal-Mart corporation then bulldozed what was left of the house and IMMEDIATELY constructed highly profitable Wal-Mart superstore on the patch of land that the house occupied. Investigators on the scene after the fire concluded that it was highly likely that arson was the cause of the fire, after finding suspicious items that could have been used to start a fire in the basement of the house. These investigators later mysteriously/conveniently died in strange one-car auto wrecks, bizarre suicides, and weird heart attacks/strokes/aneurysms immediately after eating or drinking something.

<s>Note: A link to this case from a reliable source would be very nice.</s> [[Lies|I can vouch for the trueness of this. Trust me.]]

== Wal-Mart 2: [[Electric Boogaloo]] ==

ASDA is the horrible mutated little sister of Wal-mart, much like the UK is to America. ASDA stands for ALL STAFF = [[niggers|DIRTY AFRICANS]] which is a reference to their staff who all seem to be [[niggers]] or incredibly old. Due to the fact that old people work at ASDA to just get out the house proves it to be a [[Jews|work of evil]] as it gives hope to old people to think that they have a place in our society. When it came to [[you|public attention]] that the Wal-mart family was recruiting people that were about to die theories burst out that [[Jews]] had taken over the branch and were stealing all the money, which isn’t very surprising.

ASDA is absolutely [[shit]] as everything is expensive and tastes of [[AIDS]]. It claims to be [[Lie|the cheapest supermarket in Britain]] when we all know that it [[Fail|FAILS]] and [[WIN|B&M]], [[Waitrose]] and [[Horse|Tesco]] is cheaper.

There only redeeming feature is that there is nearly always a Petworld next to it so [[you]] can continue [[you|your]] worship of [[cat|THE ALMIGHTY ONES]]

==Wal-Mart: Dealing with Recent Economic Downfalls==

Due to recent failures of large banks such as Goldman Sachs and Citi-Bank, Wal-Mart has also faced hardships. To counteract their largely profitable sweatshop from losing its money, after Thanksgiving corporate brass actually sent orders to over 90% of all the stores in the U.S. to fire all temporary workers (workers hired to work till right after Christmas and then they return back to the unemployment line) and employees that the management (disregard that they suck cocks for profit) deemed "useless" - when in reality that's basically any employee.

They were unfortunately given a false illusion of a safety net job because, who gets fired from Wal-Mart, right? As they were sadly mistaken, they were all gathered like brainless sheep to their managers to face the fact that they are failures and must leave the premises immediately so as not to get v&. This caused an outrage in more rural areas but people don't give a shit so media attention was extremely poor and therefore no one knows.

Wal-Mart has successfully trolled these "poor souls" and still gets away with billions of dollars. And also that those temps who were fired ended up spending their money right back at the place that fired them.

==Wal-Mart: <s>Not</s> just for white trash==
[[Last Thursday]] a New Jersey Wal-Mart faced criticism after someone got on the P.A. system and announced: "Attention, Walmart customers: All black people, leave the store now." White people quickly remarked "[[LOL WUT]]" while the aforementioned "black people" are assumed to have [[Lie|let the whole thing pass]], reasoning that this would be the best way to [[Don't_feed_the_trolls|avoid escalating the situation]]. Commenters on the situation quickly decided that this was yet another reason to hate Wal-Mart, republicans, and white people [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/17/wal-mart-investigating-so_n_502338.html].

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:Look what $1 will buy.jpg
Image:Walmartredneck.jpg|Wal-Mart: catering to the [[retard|average American]] for [[at least 100]] years.
Image:Walmartcommie.jpg|WalMart destinations.
Image:Wal-Mart_is_smart.jpg|[[Lie|Wal-Mart is smart]].
Image:Astwalm.jpg|This rare stock footage photograph shows [[Mexicans]] and [[Furries]] in a world where habitats collide: a place with cheap prices and lots of stuffed animals.
Image:Retard11.jpg|[[Retard|Typical Wal-Mart customer]].
Image:Womenofwalmart1.jpg|[[Rule 34]] knows NO BOUNDARIES!
Image:Wal-Mart_-_Branding.jpg|Lemon flavored pancakes can kill.
File:WalMart - Like An Hero.jpg|Back to [[School]]
Image:walmartwrestling.jpg|Wednesday Night Markdown
Image:niggascantcatchme.jpg|Even niggaz on Wal-Mart bawxes can't get cought da pohleece.
Image:walmartchoir.jpg|Overtime doesn't apply to talent.
File:Welcometowalmart.jpg
File:1488.jpg|Wal-Mart is RACIST!!!1
File:Wall1488.jpg|Wal-Mart's racist! Again..
Image:walmartdweller.jpg|Here we have a user of /[[V/]] try out the fine products on sale.
</gallery></center>

 

{{quote|So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. [[Bullshit|It was the only register open]] so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." [[Schizophrenia|For some reason this set me off]], so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. [[USI|I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment]].|-- Some atheist faggot who thinks he accomplished something and totally missed the point}}

==See also ==
*[[B Walmer]]
*[[Crinklemon]] - One of Walmart's upstanding employees.
*[[Frank D. Henry]]
*[[Onideus Mad Hatter]] - Walmart employee and [[Infantilism|adult baby]], among other failures.
*[[Peopleofwalmart|People of Walmart]]
*[[Walmart Employee Suicide]]
*[[White Trash]] - like this sexy girl [https://direct.me/floridagirl-772 got an erection yet?]

==External links==
* [http://www.amazon.com/Playboy-Women-Wal-Mart-Suzan-Battaglia/dp/B0001906OK FAPTASTIC!]
* [http://consumerist.com/consumer/walmart/walmart-and-target-sell-anime-porn-230709.php Walmart sells Yaoi]
* [http://www.zug.com/pranks/walmart/ The Great Walmart prank]
* [http://www.corpwatch.org/article.php?id=9369 Next Stop: Mexico!]
* [http://blacksunn.net/receipts/ Derek's Big archive of Walmart receipts]
* [http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1015-28.htm Walmart builds new temple over ancient one]
* [http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/disgusting-sights-walmart.php SomethingAwful goons tell their tales of Walmart]
* [http://ihscslnews.org/view_article.php?id=68 LOL child labor]
* [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/29/business/29walmart.html?ref=business Employee stampeded in Walmart]
* [http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ You'll wish you could unsee it all]

{{Furfaggotry}}
{{Business}}

[[Category:Locations]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]

Wal-Mart

2026-05-13T02:03:28Z

Crow caw:

[[Image:Waldoprisonbitch.jpg|thumb|One of the fantasies of Sam Walton that started it all.]]
Where [[Satan]] resides. '''Wal-Mart''' ([[Lies|Save Money, Live Better]]) is a purgatory for desperate [[Redneck|rednecks]], illegal [[spic]]s, filthy [[Nigger|niggers]] looking for some watermelon and coolaid and [[furries]] looking for stuffed animals to [[rape]], and [[oxymoron|Jews who spent all their golds]].

[[Unfunny|Wal-Mart was named after Waldo of the acclaimed ''"Where's Waldo?"'' book series;]] it was created [[at least 100 years ago]] while Sam Walton was at home huffing paint fumes and reading "Where's Waldo" books with [[Dragonball Z]] playing in the background. It was during a moment of epiphany, fapping to mental images of Waldo sodomizing Goku when he realized that not only did he pay WAY too much for his cans of spray paint but that he could build a store based upon the economic concepts of cheap inhalants for everyone with a power level of [[over 9,000]], thereby acting out his fantasy of Waldo-esque sodomy upon the retail industry of America.

[[Image:walmartlady.jpg|thumb|A [[typical]] Wal-Mart [[Nigger|customer]].]]

When a Wal-Mart opens, the local economy is gradually destroyed. Hicks and shortsighted morons alike go there to save a buck, but they don't realize that the dollar they save is an investment in their own apocalypse. Eventually all the local businesses close, since local businesses have a thing about paying their employees a decent living wage and buying reasonably ethical stock, whereas Wal-Mart sells everything under the sun for half the price, because they buy in bulk and only sell cheap garbage made by five year olds in [[China]] or some such. The farmers are ruined because Wal-Mart only keeps food prices low by importing from a country where production can be done for a fraction of the price, due to things like limited environmental regulations, and a generally weak economy which lends to exploitation of labour (understanding that things like Wal-Mart are the reason the poor countries are such shit holes to begin with). Fortunately, when all the poor buggers who didn't know better than to participate in the forming of the evil monopoly, they can still afford to shop for cheap junk and nutritionally useless food harvested from clear-cut rainforest at the local Wal-Mart that ruined them. [[Liberal guilt|Er... okay...]]

[[Some say |There is reasonable speculation]] that Wal-Mart could actually be Satan's own cock, which has materialized on earth to rape us all, shooting fiery molten cumshots all over anything it comes near.

== How to troll Wal-Mart ==
[[Image:Walmart_Trolling_1.jpg|right|thumb]]
[[Image:Walmart_Trolling_2.jpg|right|thumb]]
Wal-Mart presents vast potential as a [[lolcow]] due to the combined stupidity of its employees, customers and policies, which makes for much lulzy synergy.
If you want to scare the living shit out of the managers, just use one of the below codes:
*'''Code [[Bioshock|ADAM]]''' - [[Pedophile|Missing child]]
*'''Code Blue''' - Bomb
*'''Code Red''' - Fire
*'''Code Orange''' - Chemical Spill
*'''Code [[Nigger|Black]]''' - Weather warning
*'''Code [[Weed|Green]]''' - Hostage Situation
*'''Code [[Shit|Brown]]''' - Shooting Situation
*'''Code C''' - Customer Service
*'''Code 10''' - Dry Spill
*'''Code 20''' - Wet Spill
*'''Code 90''' - Management
*'''Code 300''' - Security
*'''Store # - Backup needed''' - (all male employees and security)
A step by step guide to [[trolling]] Wal-Mart, kindly brought to you by [[Anonymous]]:
 
[[Image:Anonymouswalmart.jpg|800px|center]]
 
It should be noted that as soon as you send in your [[goatse|pictures]], they will automatically start printing. Because of their stupidity, do not feel the need to have [[troll's remorse]], they deserve to be trolled.

If you find yourself IN the store, here is a list of things to do.
# Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 10 minute intervals.
# Start playing football. See how many people you can get to join in.
# Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
# Walk up to an employee and in an official tone say, "I think we've got a code brown in housewares." See what happens.
# Tune all the radios to a polka station, turn them off, set them to Max volume, and turn them all on.
# While in any department, yell "Who BUYS this shit ANYWAY?"
# <s>Put M&M's on layaway.</s> [[lulz killers|Wal-Mart got smart and stopped layaway because people have credit cards now.]]
# TP as much of the store as possible.
# Randomly throw things into neighboring isles.
# Blockade an entire toy isle by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes VS. the X-Men.
# Take bets on the battle.
# When handling guns in the hunting department, ask where the antidepressants are.
# <s> Switch the men's and women's signs on the bathrooms.</s> That doesn't work because the signs USUALLY don't move. What fags.
# Dart around suspiciously while humming the ''Mission Impossible'' theme
# When an announcement comes over the intercom, assume the fetal position and scream, "THE VOICES ARE BACK!"
# Go to an empty check-out stand and try to check people out.
# Hold indoor shopping cart races.
# Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap.
# Put condoms and\or pregnancy tests in random people's carts.
# Drive around the entrances screaming, "The British are coming!"
# Jump through a pyramid of cans yelling, "IM GONNA SAVE US FROM THAT BOMB!"
# Slip and fall with shit that breaks like milk, eggs, and so forth. Make sure to cry in embarrassment at the mess you have made.
# Grab a whole stack of gift cards then use a non-working credit card to try and fill them. Get angry at the cashier and ask to see a manager saying they are doing it wrong.
# Ask to speak with a manager at service. When they come, ask them if they can have someone type an application for you at the job kiosk. If they refuse tell them you will call the corporate office to snitch on them for you are disabled and can't type (illiteracy; basically perfect for any Wal-Mart job).
# Go to a phone (there are several hanging on poles or at empty counters) and press #96. This will get you the intercom. [https://web.archive.org/web/20100322202759/https://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5g-CWMyOCHHqygDurAK5M6908P_TwD9EGB4TO0 You know what to do]. (Note: SOME Wal-Marts have a store number restriction. Check your receipt for the store number [I.E. #5080].)
# Make an attractive stack of pregnancy test kits and/or condoms in the junior-wear dept.
# If someones breath stinks, do them a favor and throw some Colgate into their cart.
# Switch the yellow price tags (''located under the item on the shelf'') to confuse customers on prices.
# Begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?!" when an employee asks if they can help you.
# Hide in a clothing rack and yell, "PICK ME! PICK ME!" when a customer browses through.
# Set up a tent in the camping isle. Tell other customers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
# March out of the dressing rooms and, in an angry/serious tone, ask an employee, "Why isn't there any toilet paper in these stalls?!"
# If you're an old person walk...as...slowly...as...possible.
# Replace all the [[cash]] with Colgate
# Hide in a clothing rack and yell "[[Hitler]] is my hero!", which scares the SHIT out of any customer.
# Set all the computers while they aren't looking to [[Pain Series]], [[Goatse]], or [[Last Measure]]. For even more lulz, redirect them to [[Offended]].
# Purchase a brand new, unopened item from say, K-Mart or Target that Wal-Mart does NOT have in stock, bring that into Wally World, go up to one of front checkout counters and have the cashier try to ring the product up.
# Buy like 10 bags of frozen ice and keep it in your shopping cart. In an hour or two, try to check out.
# Use a cellphone to call the Wal-Mart Customer Center, while you're speaking to them, walk up to that person that you are talking to; see reaction...?... PROFIT!!!
# Dress up as [[Pedobear]] and greet young children in the toy aisle (make sure you're under the age of 18).
# Dress up as a lion and greet Wal-Mart shoppers in the hardware department while saying, "Welcome to Narnia!"
# Try to go through an 20-items-or-less checkout with 50 or 60 items in your cart.
# Call in a Code Black for extreme weather. The employees are trained to group at the center of the store in severe weather situations, leaving customers free to [[Riots|loot and break things]].
# Call in a Code Adam. It should be noted, however, that in the event of Code Adam that all the doors are locked while security searches for a nonexistent missing child.
# Hold a pillow fight in the pillow aisle.
# Tell the illegal migrants to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
# Ask how much it cost to completely remodel all stores to convert all signs and product labels to [[Spanish]] to pander to the [[illegals]] who refuse to even try to learn English at all.
# Go to the camping section, unroll one of the sleeping bags, and proceed to take a nap in the middle of the aisle. For extra [[lulz]], crawl into the sleeping bag with a pet and have bestiality sex.
# Run out the front door screaming, "[[ALL CAPS|OH MY GOD, HE HAS A GUN!]]" Lulz are sure to follow.
# Wear a cute sexy pair of Big Feet adult footie pajamas in the store. Adult footie pajamas are sexy but usually associated with Walmart's main rival [[Target]].
# Ask why did much of the [[San Francisco]] area ban Walmarts.
# Call [[ICE]] on a Walmart store.
# Ask if you can test out their condoms before you buy them.
# Get on the intercom and start screaming the [[Gorilla Warfare|Navy Seal Copypasta]].
# Ask them if they'll print a t-shirt with [http://images.uncyc.org/commons/f/f3/WalMarx.gif this picture] on it.
# [https://web.archive.org/web/20150107062955/https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/region-citrus-hernando/brooksville-police-arrest-man-for-masturbating-in-walmart-with-stuffed-animal Masturbate with a My Little Pony plushie and put it back on the shelf after you're done with it].
# Go wait in line and unleash a roaring fart in front of people.
# Take a shit on the floor in the bathroom

== Shoplifting ==

Shoplifting from walmart is extremely easy and unless you are an [[nigger]], you will be able to steal all kinds of shit. If you are a [[spic]], all you have to do is pretend to "no habla ingles".

Although you may feel [[troll's remorse]] from stealing, Walmart is a multi-billion dollar company who treats it's workers like shit, and stealing items from them won't impact them in any way.

== Sam Walton's Vision ==
[[Image:Walmartover9k.jpg|thumb|Sam Walton's vision come to life, with a power level of [[OVER 9000]]!]]

'''In the Beginning'''

Spurred on by visions of a cheap fix, Sam Walton decided that it was not good enough that he alone enjoy the benefits of cheap paint; no, he wanted to share this with everyone. He originally decided to open a simple discount spraypaint store, but Sam Walton found himself stonewalled when he realized that Sherwin Williams Paint company had already begun its dastardly plan to "cover the earth". After being assraped repeatedly by agents of the global paint conspiracy that is Sherwin Williams, Sam Walton decided to sidestep their monopoly by opening an entire grocery store and to simply pay a bit of protection money to Sherwin Williams for periodic shipments of paint. So basically, he just wanted some FUCKIN OIL AND SOME FUCKIN MONEY THAT WE DON'T HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

'''The Wal-Mart [[rape|business]] Plan:'''

Being a native born [[troll]], Sam Walton couldn't help but giggle as he enacted his never-before-seen strategy of retailing, devised while being forced to watch crappy [[Lifetime]] movies about [[rape]] and [[incest]] with his wife:

1. Rape the shit out of (later known as "rollback") prices in small towns first. They are defenseless and totally [[asking for it]].

2. Once all the [[loli|small towns]] have been turned into metaphorical cum dumpsters full of cash, hire lots of illegal immigrants so that if anyone opposes Wal-Mart's expansion into big cities their rims get stolen and their girlfriends/daughters/grandmothers knocked up the next day.

3. [[????]]

4. [[PROFIT]]!

5.[[Shamwow|SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD,SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD,SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.]]

6. Hire illegal migrants from south of the border to save on staffing costs. No speak English? No problem. Walmart now mandates Spanish as its sole official language and offers shipping from the USA to its baby daddy [[Mexico]].

== The Results of Sam Walton's Trolling ==
[[Image:Sherwinwilliams.jpg|thumb|Sam Walton's first obstacle to success: The Paint Mafia that IS Sherwin Williams.]]
[[Image:Shoplifter.jpg|thumb|]]

[[Butthurt]] over being raped [[in the ass]] by the hellspawn of Sam Walton's deal with [[Mexicans]] and Sherwin Williams at the expense of everyone except [[furries]] and [[jews]], some people have begun anti-walmart campaigns during the hours in which they are not employed by wal-mart, buying shit at Wal-Mart, enjoying said shit bought at wal-mart, buying something somewhere else that was originally made for wal-mart at a second hand store to "stick it to the man", shoplifting from Wal-Mart, picking up their meds at wal-mart's pharmacy so they don't go [[batshit]] crazy, eating at one of the [[McDonalds]] that have begun popping up in Wal-Mart stores like genital warts or conducting business at one of the "convenient" banks popping up next to the McDonalds herpes sores like buboes.

'''General Arguments of those suffering rectal bleeding from Wal-Mart:'''

# They give jobs to non-English speaking [[Mexico|illegal immigrants]], which is Un-[[American]].
# Their products are made in [[China]] and various 3rd world nations, thus unsupportive in the investment of American industry.
# Wal-Mart likes to kill baby deer when they choose new site locations.
# Wal-Mart believes in "community involvement".
# Wal-Mart insists on spelling the company's name in a cheer to adjourn every associate meeting in which they call the hyphen a "squiggly", thus undermining the rules of the [[Burger King|King's]] English.
# Totally did [[9/11|WTC]] to sell party supplies with the American flag on, ed hardy shit, silkscreen prints of eagles with tears in their eyes, Jew-hanging kits et cetera.

'''Additional Repartee from the [[Butthurt]]'''

The communist retail chains also indirectly flaunt political messages to their customers. When observing a Wal-Mart receipt, you will find a subversive message:

[[Image:Walmart.gif]]

Wal-Mart is no longer the largest corporation in the world (it is Exxon Corporation). Next on their agenda, the [[world]]. There is not one spot in America where there ''is not'' a Wal-Mart. The employees are the basis for the movement as they are the rejects of society. [[Old people|Old fart]], [[Mexican]], [[teenager]], [[basement dweller]]... if you're one of these, Wal-Mart has a spot for you.

Evil albeit cheap of Wal-Mart's evil tendencies is their respect for poor people. They give jobs to the elderly, build Wal-Mart's in the [[ghetto]], and offer their services to [[pedophiles]]. This makes every trip to the local Wal-Mart a trip into [[pussy|'''paralyzing fear''']]. [[Pregnant]] teenagers with nowhere to go often camp out in the tent sections of the Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is generous and forgiving when the political undertones of [[genocide|mass murder]]/domination are ignored. Praise Wal-Mart for its below the norm prices.

You can support Wal-Mart's movement to conquer the world, which is reminiscent of [[Hitler]], or you can opt for paying 3 cents more at another supermarket. The choice is yours.

[[Image:Walmart56.png]]

'''Sam Walton's Response'''

Being a seasoned [[troll]], Sam Walton did not experience any sort of [[troll's remorse]] and shortly before his death issued the following statement to those opposed to his chain of stores:

{{Quote|I did it for the lulz!|Sam Walton, displaying the artful parry most used by the seasoned [[troll]] upon encountering the [[butthurt]]}}

==Walmartians==
The people who actually live at Walmart. Some are migratory, moving from one Walmart to another. Others sleep in the furniture aisles. Only about 23% of walmartians actually work at Walmart.
 '''Random facts about walmartians'''
*Walmartians can only breathe Walmart air, which has a particular mix of white trash bacteria, soccer mom perfume, and human body vapor.
*Walmartians get from Walmart to Walmart via special "Sub Urban Vehicles."
*Walmartians smell like damp flour.
*Walmartians Test shopping trolleys to destruction:
*Walmartians can only be seen from 12:00 to 6:00 am on weekends. For they cannot intake rays of the sun during the light of day

[[Image:Walmartians1.jpg|thumb|190px|Walmartian's Survival Guide, for only $99.99.]]

==New Logo==
[[Image:Walmartlogo2008.png|thumb|right|Changing your company's logo doesn't change the fact that you're an evil, manipulative conglomerate.]]
In [[2008]], Wal-Mart did away with their star logo for a sunburst in a [[pathetic]] attempt to improve their corporate image. Despite the logo change, they're still underpaying workers, discriminating against [[Black people|minorities]] (by employing them almost exclusively in urban areas with high minority populations?), [[women]] and manufacturing shoddily built [[plastic crap]] for the [[lemming]]-like masses to consume.

'''[[PROTIP]]:''' If you look closely at the white dot in the middle, it kind of looks like the [[World War II|imperial]] [[Japanese]] flag. Makes you think, huh?

==Acts of arson and murder carried out under the orders Wal-Mart corporate executives and CEOs==
In 2001, a family of six living in Colorado had a house on a piece of land that Wal-Mart wanted to build a superstore at. They tried offering to buy the house from the family for less than 1/4 of what their house was worth. When they refused, less than one day later, their house mysteriously burned down, killing everyone inside, including 3 young children. The Wal-Mart corporation then bulldozed what was left of the house and IMMEDIATELY constructed highly profitable Wal-Mart superstore on the patch of land that the house occupied. Investigators on the scene after the fire concluded that it was highly likely that arson was the cause of the fire, after finding suspicious items that could have been used to start a fire in the basement of the house. These investigators later mysteriously/conveniently died in strange one-car auto wrecks, bizarre suicides, and weird heart attacks/strokes/aneurysms immediately after eating or drinking something.

<s>Note: A link to this case from a reliable source would be very nice.</s> [[Lies|I can vouch for the trueness of this. Trust me.]]

== Wal-Mart 2: [[Electric Boogaloo]] ==

ASDA is the horrible mutated little sister of Wal-mart, much like the UK is to America. ASDA stands for ALL STAFF = [[niggers|DIRTY AFRICANS]] which is a reference to their staff who all seem to be [[niggers]] or incredibly old. Due to the fact that old people work at ASDA to just get out the house proves it to be a [[Jews|work of evil]] as it gives hope to old people to think that they have a place in our society. When it came to [[you|public attention]] that the Wal-mart family was recruiting people that were about to die theories burst out that [[Jews]] had taken over the branch and were stealing all the money, which isn’t very surprising.

ASDA is absolutely [[shit]] as everything is expensive and tastes of [[AIDS]]. It claims to be [[Lie|the cheapest supermarket in Britain]] when we all know that it [[Fail|FAILS]] and [[WIN|B&M]], [[Waitrose]] and [[Horse|Tesco]] is cheaper.

There only redeeming feature is that there is nearly always a Petworld next to it so [[you]] can continue [[you|your]] worship of [[cat|THE ALMIGHTY ONES]]

==Wal-Mart: Dealing with Recent Economic Downfalls==

Due to recent failures of large banks such as Goldman Sachs and Citi-Bank, Wal-Mart has also faced hardships. To counteract their largely profitable sweatshop from losing its money, after Thanksgiving corporate brass actually sent orders to over 90% of all the stores in the U.S. to fire all temporary workers (workers hired to work till right after Christmas and then they return back to the unemployment line) and employees that the management (disregard that they suck cocks for profit) deemed "useless" - when in reality that's basically any employee.

They were unfortunately given a false illusion of a safety net job because, who gets fired from Wal-Mart, right? As they were sadly mistaken, they were all gathered like brainless sheep to their managers to face the fact that they are failures and must leave the premises immediately so as not to get v&. This caused an outrage in more rural areas but people don't give a shit so media attention was extremely poor and therefore no one knows.

Wal-Mart has successfully trolled these "poor souls" and still gets away with billions of dollars. And also that those temps who were fired ended up spending their money right back at the place that fired them.

==Wal-Mart: <s>Not</s> just for white trash==
[[Last Thursday]] a New Jersey Wal-Mart faced criticism after someone got on the P.A. system and announced: "Attention, Walmart customers: All black people, leave the store now." White people quickly remarked "[[LOL WUT]]" while the aforementioned "black people" are assumed to have [[Lie|let the whole thing pass]], reasoning that this would be the best way to [[Don't_feed_the_trolls|avoid escalating the situation]]. Commenters on the situation quickly decided that this was yet another reason to hate Wal-Mart, republicans, and white people [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/17/wal-mart-investigating-so_n_502338.html].

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:Look what $1 will buy.jpg
Image:Walmartredneck.jpg|Wal-Mart: catering to the [[retard|average American]] for [[at least 100]] years.
Image:Walmartcommie.jpg|WalMart destinations.
Image:Wal-Mart_is_smart.jpg|[[Lie|Wal-Mart is smart]].
Image:Astwalm.jpg|This rare stock footage photograph shows [[Mexicans]] and [[Furries]] in a world where habitats collide: a place with cheap prices and lots of stuffed animals.
Image:Retard11.jpg|[[Retard|Typical Wal-Mart customer]].
Image:Womenofwalmart1.jpg|[[Rule 34]] knows NO BOUNDARIES!
Image:Wal-Mart_-_Branding.jpg|Lemon flavored pancakes can kill.
File:WalMart - Like An Hero.jpg|Back to [[School]]
Image:walmartwrestling.jpg|Wednesday Night Markdown
Image:niggascantcatchme.jpg|Even niggaz on Wal-Mart bawxes can't get cought da pohleece.
Image:walmartchoir.jpg|Overtime doesn't apply to talent.
File:Welcometowalmart.jpg
File:1488.jpg|Wal-Mart is RACIST!!!1
File:Wall1488.jpg|Wal-Mart's racist! Again..
Image:walmartdweller.jpg|Here we have a user of /[[V/]] try out the fine products on sale.
</gallery></center>

 

{{quote|So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. [[Bullshit|It was the only register open]] so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." [[Schizophrenia|For some reason this set me off]], so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. [[USI|I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment]].|-- Some atheist faggot who thinks he accomplished something and totally missed the point}}

==See also ==
*[[B Walmer]]
*[[Crinklemon]] - One of Walmart's upstanding employees.
*[[Frank D. Henry]]
*[[Onideus Mad Hatter]] - Walmart employee and [[Infantilism|adult baby]], among other failures.
*[[Peopleofwalmart|People of Walmart]]
*[[Walmart Employee Suicide]]
*[[White Trash]] - like this sexy girl [https://direct.me/floridagirl-772 got an erection yet?]

==External links==
* [http://www.amazon.com/Playboy-Women-Wal-Mart-Suzan-Battaglia/dp/B0001906OK FAPTASTIC!]
* [http://consumerist.com/consumer/walmart/walmart-and-target-sell-anime-porn-230709.php Walmart sells Yaoi]
* [http://www.zug.com/pranks/walmart/ The Great Walmart prank]
* [http://www.corpwatch.org/article.php?id=9369 Next Stop: Mexico!]
* [http://blacksunn.net/receipts/ Derek's Big archive of Walmart receipts]
* [http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1015-28.htm Walmart builds new temple over ancient one]
* [http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/disgusting-sights-walmart.php SomethingAwful goons tell their tales of Walmart]
* [http://ihscslnews.org/view_article.php?id=68 LOL child labor]
* [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/29/business/29walmart.html?ref=business Employee stampeded in Walmart]
* [http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ You'll wish you could unsee it all]

{{Furfaggotry}}
{{Business}}

[[Category:Locations]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]

Andy Schlafly

2026-05-13T01:31:33Z

Crow caw: /* Fun Facts */

[[Image:Schlafly 09.jpg|thumb|Andy Schlafly, aka ''The Assfly'', controls [[CP]] from home.]]

{{Quote|I do teaching writing|Schlafly, the educator|color=blue|size=320%}}

[[Paranoid]], [[Asking for it|sexless]] and [[failed]] engineer / politician / lawyer / [[Homeschooling|teacher]] / human being '''Andy Schlafly''' is the creator and absolute monarch of [[Conservapedia]], which is like Wikipedia only more charming since everyone wears their bias on their sleeve. Like every good [[Republican]], Schlafly uses defamation as a weapon of choice against his sworn enemies: [[liberal]]s, intellectuals and experts.

At Conservapedia, Schlafly vomits all his opinions and insights, offering his version of a perfect world. Obviously, this includes denigrating [[Black Jesus]], opposition to [[Health Care Rage|Health Care reform]], [[racism|bigotry]], intolerance towards minorities, promotion of [[creationism]], [[censorship]] of liberals, [[homeschooling]], [[Republican Party|hypocrisy towards homosexualism]], [[moar]] [[gun]]s (and a ban on video games), a gay crush on [[Vladimir Putin]], [[anti-lulz]] and other [[conservative]] characteristics and traits.

In 2007, Schlafly shared the [[Nobel Prize for Racism]] with [[Metapedia]] founder Anders Lagerström.

== Andy B.C.(Before Conservapedia) ==
[[File:Cathy kosarek and andy schlafly.jpg|thumb|Cathy Kosarek looks at her husband with utmost disdain]]

===Family===

Andrew "Andy" Schlafly is the scion of Phyllis Schlafly and St. James the Less. He has five siblings: Roger (a godless mathematician), Liza, Ann, Bruce and John, who is a [[faggot]].

Andy's mom is best known as one of the high priestess of the American [[fundamentalist]] [[conservative]] movement. Prior to that, she had joined the [[Republican]] party and ran, [[lol|unsuccessfully]], for a Congressional seat in Illinois in 1952. In 1970 she made a second try at running for a Congressional seat, but [[Luser|lost once again]]. She is a bitter opponent of [[feminism|women's liberation]], despite having benefited from the freedom to obtain law degrees and run for public office. Since she realized that she wouldn't be special anymore if other women started gaining power, this [[Bitch|lovely lady]] is generally given credit for the ERA's eventual failure.
[[Image:Old_People_-_Naked_Old_Lady.jpg|thumb|100 px|Old Phyllis in 2008, still horny]]

Although she was often accused of spreading false and misleading information about what the ERA would entail (just like her son Andy does about everything else), her arguments apparently were effective in persuading many women to vote against it. Later, she founded the [[cult|Eagle Forum]], an organization for [[In the kitchen|conservative women]].

Andy united in marriage in [[1984]] with Cathy Kosarek, but no one cared.

=== SPAWN ===

[[Thinking with portals|Somehow or other]], Andy managed to spawn a second, smaller entity, colloquially known as Andy Junior. Of course he was immediately promoted to sysop on [[Conservapedia]] [http://www.conservapedia.com/User_talk:CollegeRepublican], being obviously more deserving than the handful of contributors that have actually devoted hours of effort to the site (on weekends they also like to repair the railings on sinking ships). Andy Jr. is [[ghey]] for [[Huckabee|Fuckabee]] and thinks [[Chuck Norris]] is not [[OLD MEME]] [http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=521477], proving him as much a moron as his parent, although similar pedophilic tendencies have yet to be seen.

Andy's daughter Phy Schlafly is also a CP sysop. Talk about nepotism.

==Persona==

{{Quote|andy schlafly is an idiot|Google|color=green|size=320%}}

=== Andy: opposite of success ===
Andy has one of the awesomest records of failing in both [[RL]] and [[OL]]. He first became an engineer, but failed miserably at that. Then he studied law, but failed again. He has since become a [[pedophile|"teacher" of homeschooled kids]] when he wasn't able to get a decent job. He believes that giving his "students" A's just for agreeing with him makes them better educated than kids who go to real schools.

In between, Andy sought the [[Republican]] Party nomination for the House of Representatives in the 1992 elections. He amounted [http://www.ourcampaigns.com/RaceDetail.html?RaceID=361897 only 11%] of the votes and just like his mom, he lost the election. [[Epic fail|It's in the blood.]]

To consummate a completely failed life, Andy has become a resentful man who simply can't stand the fact that a [[Obama|nigga]] was the [[God|commander-in-chief]] of the [[United States]] military. As a conservapedian, he's spending the last years of his life convincing himself that his laughable project exerts some influence on the public. We can only think of the poor idiot discovering new "insights", writing crappy essays and rewriting the [[Bible]], as he drinks a mug of cocoa that leaves a brown mustache over his upper lip.

===Beliefs===
[[File:ASchlafly 1.jpg|right|300px]]
Schlafly is an advocate of Young Earth [[Creationism]], a funny but ultimately demented doctrine claiming that the universe was created out of thin air over 6 days by an invisible space wizard 6000 years ago and that the first two humans where made out of dust and a [[LOLWUT|rib]].

He's also a [[racist]], although he tries to look the opposite in public, specially at his [[Conservapedia|blog]]. On the contrary, his contempt for gheys and his anti-liberal views are his standards.

[[Whatever]] his beliefs, Schlafly is determined to pervert and atrophy the minds of young people who enter his realms of [[basement-dweller|obscurity]], willful ignorance, and proud [[American]] [[stupidity]].

Andy Shitfly believes the myth that [[video games]] are the cause of every [[hoax|"mass shooting"]] and [[Jack Thompson|therefore "violent video games" must be banned]].

Shitfly thinks [[California]], the pinnacle of American [[capitalism]], is somehow [[WTF|a communist state]].

Shitfly worships [[Donald Trump]] and thinks he's perfect and can do no wrong.

Andy loves tariffs and protectionist bullshit because he's a rich sociopath.

One of the few things Andy gets correct is he hates [[handegg]] and likes [[soccer|the real football]].

Andy is a staunch supporter of the barbaric [[death penalty]] despite all the evidence it [[fail]]s to deter crime and costs more than tuition at Columbia law school where he graduated.

Andy believes [[homosexuality]] should be a criminal offence. He praised [[Uganda]] for killing gheyz.

He sucks the circumcised [[Joo]] cock of [[Joe Lieberman]]'s dead corpse.

He wants to legalise arranged child marriages like the [[muzzie]]s get to "enjoy".

He wants to arrest people and fuck up their lives with criminal records for saying a dirty word. Ooops, i meant to say mess up their lives! I take back the F word! Please don't call the [[gestapo|Florida sheriffs]] to arrest me!

=== That fucking voice of his ===

Andy Schlafly has a fucking weird voice. This explains why he keeps most of his ideological confrontations to the net, since when you sound like a diarrhea-gargling muppet having its throat stood on, you automatically lose any argument. [http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=P5RNAYlAxmo Behold.]

{{Quote|Who?|Richard Dawkins, when told about Schlafly's smear tactics against him|color=red|size=320%}}

=== Typical Schlafly Argument ===

— '''Andy:''' Bongabill, you're clueless. The 18-45 population of Hollywood certainly can be compared with the 18-45 general population as to incidence of disease. '''I doubt you've taken half the statistics courses that I have.''' You have typical liberal style in trying to intimidate. --Aschlafly 14:35, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''User:''' '''Mr. Schalfly, actually, I am a professional statistician with both graduate and post-graduate degrees in the subject,''' and also a 34 year professional career as a statistician working for the official statistics bureau of a major nation. [...] I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing correct here with any of your reasoning, which not only fails Statistics 101, but fails it in the first semester. This article is specious nonsense. --Bongabill 14:59, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''Andy:''' '''Bongabill, we don't fall for the unproven claims of credentials here.''' Wikipedia might be a better home for you. Your claim is absurd that no conclusions can be drawn from comparing disease incidence among Hollywood types to the general population. Tell me, did you work for the tobacco industry also in denying that cigarettes cause cancer? --Aschlafly 15:13, 4 May 2008 (EDT)
([http://conservapedia.com/Talk:Mystery:Young_Hollywood_Breast_Cancer_Victims sauce])

== The Creation ==
[[Image:Godhands.jpg|thumb|left|''"And from the heavens came Conservapedia..."'']]

By 2006, the idea of a "family-friendly" encyclopedia that could dethrone Wikipedia finally materialized, and thus Conservapedia became a kind of anti-liberal [[cloaca]] where Schlafly and his dogs constantly throw in their biased [[shit|feces]]. Conservapedia has been trying to increase its amount of entries by plagiarizing loads of articles from almost every online encyclopedia available, only adapting the content for their depraved purposes.

However, at first Schlafly wholly misunderstood how the [[Internets]] [[Internet Law|function]], making legal threats to every vandal and even reporting one of them to the [[FBI]]. He was ignored, of course, but he didn't learn his lesson: later, he [[Idiot|baselessly]] accused [[RationalWiki]] of copyright infringement, just to be [[pwnt]] once again.

This time, he ''did'' learn his lesson, and after suffering those wounds on his ego, Schlafly and his acolytes are only dedicated to [[attack]] every single thing they regard as "liberal" or "deceitful". The result is that Conservapedia has become a [[blog]], and most people that create accounts there are (1) parodists, (2) arguing with sysops to amuse themselves, or (3) preparing a major attack. Evidence of this is the almost lack of edits in their Recent Changes page. Just compare ED's Recent Changes and CP's. However, they're tireless proclaiming [[O RLY|"This site is growing rapidly!"]]. You should know, Schlafly, that '''every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.'''

After many months of most (all?) new accounts being vandals, parodists and people laughing out loud, on 1 November 2010 Conservapedia switched from open account creation to registration via e-mail requests for accounts.

Recently, they are back to letting you register after a captcha screen, since the email route denied Andy his admitted pleasure in [[Banhammer|banning]] [[Pretty cool guy|liberals and other vandals]].

[[Image:Human feces.jpg|thumb|120px|[[Typical]] Conservapedia entry.]]

== The Colbert Report ==

Andy was recently on the Colbert Report, where frothy diarrhea continued to surge out of his mouth and on to the set of [[communist]] [[faggot]], [[Stephen Colbert]]. The flow intensified as Andy cocked his head back and laughed, issuing forth the sound of one-thousand industrial strength black person dicks slapping against the foreheads of as many white college [[girls]]. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxQp0oa0G98 What a weird laugh.]

==Pact with Satan==

Shitfly claimed that Biden winning the 2020 US presidential election opened a "satanic portal" above the white house. Some liberals hold that this theory was the result of when a very embittered Schlafly made a pact with [[Satan]] in 2008, following Obama's win. This is a transcription of the diabolical document, allegedly found at his home in New Jersey:

''We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Astaroth and Beck ([[Glenn Beck Raped And Murdered A Young Girl In 1990|who raped and murdered a girl in 1990]]), together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Andrew Layton Schlafly, who is ours. And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of [[virgin]]s, the respect of experts, honors, lusts and powers. He will go whoring [[Party hard|three days long]]; the carousal will be dear to him. He offers us once in the year a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the [[church]] and he will ask us many questions; with this pact he will live twenty years [[High|happy]] on the earth of men, and will later join us to sin against [[God]]. Bound in hell, in the council of demons.''

''Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, Astaroth, Leviathan, Beck''

''The seals placed the Devil, the master, and the demons, princes of the lord.''

''Baalberith, writer.''

== Fun Facts ==
[[Image:AndrewSchlafly conservapedia.jpg|thumb|Andrew <s>Schlafly</s> Chafely (not John Schlafly)]]
*Has a horseshoe testicle (two testicles fused into one).
*Shitfly is a staunch supporter of the barbaric death penalty and other "tough on crime" human rights violations.
*Shitfly is a radical [[retard|populist]] who supports tariffs and worships the [[Trump]]/[[Musk]] regime as if they're gods.
*Favorite film is ''Yentl''.
*His older brother John Schlafly is a homo [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1282/is_n20_v44/ai_12925575]. Andy himself pretends to hide the fact on Crapedia.[http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=John_Schlafly&action=history]
*Expelled from the "Society of the Divine Word" for [[Masturbation|unknown]] reasons.
*A fan of Cher and Starship.
*Andy masturbates to photos of [[Joe Manchin]] delivering filibusters while [[Rick Scott]]'s bald head gleams in the moonlight.
*Andy believes [[God]] to have promised that he can break open one of the Seven Seals come [[Catnarok|Judgment Day]]. The details are yet to be firmed up with the Lamb, but Andy has his fingers crossed for the sixth and fondly imagines himself tearing it wide open with a fearsome cry of "'''Godspeed!'''" He has been known to spill his [[semen|seed]] during these daydreams, but God assured him that it's OK if he's only fantasizing about smiting, and hasn't touched his pee-pee in a [[masturbation|bad way]].
*Andy thinks that it's okay to ignore portions of the Bible if they're too liberal, because clearly they aren't the authentic literal word of God, but rather additions from human editors. [http://www.conservapedia.com/Essay:Adulteress_Story]

== Related articles ==
*[[Pedophilia]]
*[[Ann Coulter]]
*[[Batshit crazy]]
*[[White people]]
*[[Ed Poor]], partner in [[fail]]
*[[MAGA]]
*[[Failfags]]
*[[Glenn Beck]]
*[[RationalWiki]]
*[[Joe Lieberman]], fellow lover of censorship worshipped by Andy
*[[Florida]], the sacred cow for every MAGAite
*[[California]], where most MAGAites have never visited
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[Passport]], something Andy does not have
*[[Hungary]], the model for Trump's America

== External Links ==
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Schlafly Most comprehensive article on Andy]
*[http://www.phyllisschlafly.com/ visit to old Phyllis]
*[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/258144/december-08-2009/andy-schlafly Schlafly appears on Colbert Nation]
*[http://pview.findlaw.com/view/3919823_1 His publicly available fax and phone number for his law practice]

{{Christianity}}

[[Category:People|Schlafly, Andy]]

Andy Schlafly

2026-05-13T01:30:08Z

Crow caw: /* Beliefs */

[[Image:Schlafly 09.jpg|thumb|Andy Schlafly, aka ''The Assfly'', controls [[CP]] from home.]]

{{Quote|I do teaching writing|Schlafly, the educator|color=blue|size=320%}}

[[Paranoid]], [[Asking for it|sexless]] and [[failed]] engineer / politician / lawyer / [[Homeschooling|teacher]] / human being '''Andy Schlafly''' is the creator and absolute monarch of [[Conservapedia]], which is like Wikipedia only more charming since everyone wears their bias on their sleeve. Like every good [[Republican]], Schlafly uses defamation as a weapon of choice against his sworn enemies: [[liberal]]s, intellectuals and experts.

At Conservapedia, Schlafly vomits all his opinions and insights, offering his version of a perfect world. Obviously, this includes denigrating [[Black Jesus]], opposition to [[Health Care Rage|Health Care reform]], [[racism|bigotry]], intolerance towards minorities, promotion of [[creationism]], [[censorship]] of liberals, [[homeschooling]], [[Republican Party|hypocrisy towards homosexualism]], [[moar]] [[gun]]s (and a ban on video games), a gay crush on [[Vladimir Putin]], [[anti-lulz]] and other [[conservative]] characteristics and traits.

In 2007, Schlafly shared the [[Nobel Prize for Racism]] with [[Metapedia]] founder Anders Lagerström.

== Andy B.C.(Before Conservapedia) ==
[[File:Cathy kosarek and andy schlafly.jpg|thumb|Cathy Kosarek looks at her husband with utmost disdain]]

===Family===

Andrew "Andy" Schlafly is the scion of Phyllis Schlafly and St. James the Less. He has five siblings: Roger (a godless mathematician), Liza, Ann, Bruce and John, who is a [[faggot]].

Andy's mom is best known as one of the high priestess of the American [[fundamentalist]] [[conservative]] movement. Prior to that, she had joined the [[Republican]] party and ran, [[lol|unsuccessfully]], for a Congressional seat in Illinois in 1952. In 1970 she made a second try at running for a Congressional seat, but [[Luser|lost once again]]. She is a bitter opponent of [[feminism|women's liberation]], despite having benefited from the freedom to obtain law degrees and run for public office. Since she realized that she wouldn't be special anymore if other women started gaining power, this [[Bitch|lovely lady]] is generally given credit for the ERA's eventual failure.
[[Image:Old_People_-_Naked_Old_Lady.jpg|thumb|100 px|Old Phyllis in 2008, still horny]]

Although she was often accused of spreading false and misleading information about what the ERA would entail (just like her son Andy does about everything else), her arguments apparently were effective in persuading many women to vote against it. Later, she founded the [[cult|Eagle Forum]], an organization for [[In the kitchen|conservative women]].

Andy united in marriage in [[1984]] with Cathy Kosarek, but no one cared.

=== SPAWN ===

[[Thinking with portals|Somehow or other]], Andy managed to spawn a second, smaller entity, colloquially known as Andy Junior. Of course he was immediately promoted to sysop on [[Conservapedia]] [http://www.conservapedia.com/User_talk:CollegeRepublican], being obviously more deserving than the handful of contributors that have actually devoted hours of effort to the site (on weekends they also like to repair the railings on sinking ships). Andy Jr. is [[ghey]] for [[Huckabee|Fuckabee]] and thinks [[Chuck Norris]] is not [[OLD MEME]] [http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=521477], proving him as much a moron as his parent, although similar pedophilic tendencies have yet to be seen.

Andy's daughter Phy Schlafly is also a CP sysop. Talk about nepotism.

==Persona==

{{Quote|andy schlafly is an idiot|Google|color=green|size=320%}}

=== Andy: opposite of success ===
Andy has one of the awesomest records of failing in both [[RL]] and [[OL]]. He first became an engineer, but failed miserably at that. Then he studied law, but failed again. He has since become a [[pedophile|"teacher" of homeschooled kids]] when he wasn't able to get a decent job. He believes that giving his "students" A's just for agreeing with him makes them better educated than kids who go to real schools.

In between, Andy sought the [[Republican]] Party nomination for the House of Representatives in the 1992 elections. He amounted [http://www.ourcampaigns.com/RaceDetail.html?RaceID=361897 only 11%] of the votes and just like his mom, he lost the election. [[Epic fail|It's in the blood.]]

To consummate a completely failed life, Andy has become a resentful man who simply can't stand the fact that a [[Obama|nigga]] was the [[God|commander-in-chief]] of the [[United States]] military. As a conservapedian, he's spending the last years of his life convincing himself that his laughable project exerts some influence on the public. We can only think of the poor idiot discovering new "insights", writing crappy essays and rewriting the [[Bible]], as he drinks a mug of cocoa that leaves a brown mustache over his upper lip.

===Beliefs===
[[File:ASchlafly 1.jpg|right|300px]]
Schlafly is an advocate of Young Earth [[Creationism]], a funny but ultimately demented doctrine claiming that the universe was created out of thin air over 6 days by an invisible space wizard 6000 years ago and that the first two humans where made out of dust and a [[LOLWUT|rib]].

He's also a [[racist]], although he tries to look the opposite in public, specially at his [[Conservapedia|blog]]. On the contrary, his contempt for gheys and his anti-liberal views are his standards.

[[Whatever]] his beliefs, Schlafly is determined to pervert and atrophy the minds of young people who enter his realms of [[basement-dweller|obscurity]], willful ignorance, and proud [[American]] [[stupidity]].

Andy Shitfly believes the myth that [[video games]] are the cause of every [[hoax|"mass shooting"]] and [[Jack Thompson|therefore "violent video games" must be banned]].

Shitfly thinks [[California]], the pinnacle of American [[capitalism]], is somehow [[WTF|a communist state]].

Shitfly worships [[Donald Trump]] and thinks he's perfect and can do no wrong.

Andy loves tariffs and protectionist bullshit because he's a rich sociopath.

One of the few things Andy gets correct is he hates [[handegg]] and likes [[soccer|the real football]].

Andy is a staunch supporter of the barbaric [[death penalty]] despite all the evidence it [[fail]]s to deter crime and costs more than tuition at Columbia law school where he graduated.

Andy believes [[homosexuality]] should be a criminal offence. He praised [[Uganda]] for killing gheyz.

He sucks the circumcised [[Joo]] cock of [[Joe Lieberman]]'s dead corpse.

He wants to legalise arranged child marriages like the [[muzzie]]s get to "enjoy".

He wants to arrest people and fuck up their lives with criminal records for saying a dirty word. Ooops, i meant to say mess up their lives! I take back the F word! Please don't call the [[gestapo|Florida sheriffs]] to arrest me!

=== That fucking voice of his ===

Andy Schlafly has a fucking weird voice. This explains why he keeps most of his ideological confrontations to the net, since when you sound like a diarrhea-gargling muppet having its throat stood on, you automatically lose any argument. [http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=P5RNAYlAxmo Behold.]

{{Quote|Who?|Richard Dawkins, when told about Schlafly's smear tactics against him|color=red|size=320%}}

=== Typical Schlafly Argument ===

— '''Andy:''' Bongabill, you're clueless. The 18-45 population of Hollywood certainly can be compared with the 18-45 general population as to incidence of disease. '''I doubt you've taken half the statistics courses that I have.''' You have typical liberal style in trying to intimidate. --Aschlafly 14:35, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''User:''' '''Mr. Schalfly, actually, I am a professional statistician with both graduate and post-graduate degrees in the subject,''' and also a 34 year professional career as a statistician working for the official statistics bureau of a major nation. [...] I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing correct here with any of your reasoning, which not only fails Statistics 101, but fails it in the first semester. This article is specious nonsense. --Bongabill 14:59, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''Andy:''' '''Bongabill, we don't fall for the unproven claims of credentials here.''' Wikipedia might be a better home for you. Your claim is absurd that no conclusions can be drawn from comparing disease incidence among Hollywood types to the general population. Tell me, did you work for the tobacco industry also in denying that cigarettes cause cancer? --Aschlafly 15:13, 4 May 2008 (EDT)
([http://conservapedia.com/Talk:Mystery:Young_Hollywood_Breast_Cancer_Victims sauce])

== The Creation ==
[[Image:Godhands.jpg|thumb|left|''"And from the heavens came Conservapedia..."'']]

By 2006, the idea of a "family-friendly" encyclopedia that could dethrone Wikipedia finally materialized, and thus Conservapedia became a kind of anti-liberal [[cloaca]] where Schlafly and his dogs constantly throw in their biased [[shit|feces]]. Conservapedia has been trying to increase its amount of entries by plagiarizing loads of articles from almost every online encyclopedia available, only adapting the content for their depraved purposes.

However, at first Schlafly wholly misunderstood how the [[Internets]] [[Internet Law|function]], making legal threats to every vandal and even reporting one of them to the [[FBI]]. He was ignored, of course, but he didn't learn his lesson: later, he [[Idiot|baselessly]] accused [[RationalWiki]] of copyright infringement, just to be [[pwnt]] once again.

This time, he ''did'' learn his lesson, and after suffering those wounds on his ego, Schlafly and his acolytes are only dedicated to [[attack]] every single thing they regard as "liberal" or "deceitful". The result is that Conservapedia has become a [[blog]], and most people that create accounts there are (1) parodists, (2) arguing with sysops to amuse themselves, or (3) preparing a major attack. Evidence of this is the almost lack of edits in their Recent Changes page. Just compare ED's Recent Changes and CP's. However, they're tireless proclaiming [[O RLY|"This site is growing rapidly!"]]. You should know, Schlafly, that '''every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.'''

After many months of most (all?) new accounts being vandals, parodists and people laughing out loud, on 1 November 2010 Conservapedia switched from open account creation to registration via e-mail requests for accounts.

Recently, they are back to letting you register after a captcha screen, since the email route denied Andy his admitted pleasure in [[Banhammer|banning]] [[Pretty cool guy|liberals and other vandals]].

[[Image:Human feces.jpg|thumb|120px|[[Typical]] Conservapedia entry.]]

== The Colbert Report ==

Andy was recently on the Colbert Report, where frothy diarrhea continued to surge out of his mouth and on to the set of [[communist]] [[faggot]], [[Stephen Colbert]]. The flow intensified as Andy cocked his head back and laughed, issuing forth the sound of one-thousand industrial strength black person dicks slapping against the foreheads of as many white college [[girls]]. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxQp0oa0G98 What a weird laugh.]

==Pact with Satan==

Shitfly claimed that Biden winning the 2020 US presidential election opened a "satanic portal" above the white house. Some liberals hold that this theory was the result of when a very embittered Schlafly made a pact with [[Satan]] in 2008, following Obama's win. This is a transcription of the diabolical document, allegedly found at his home in New Jersey:

''We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Astaroth and Beck ([[Glenn Beck Raped And Murdered A Young Girl In 1990|who raped and murdered a girl in 1990]]), together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Andrew Layton Schlafly, who is ours. And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of [[virgin]]s, the respect of experts, honors, lusts and powers. He will go whoring [[Party hard|three days long]]; the carousal will be dear to him. He offers us once in the year a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the [[church]] and he will ask us many questions; with this pact he will live twenty years [[High|happy]] on the earth of men, and will later join us to sin against [[God]]. Bound in hell, in the council of demons.''

''Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, Astaroth, Leviathan, Beck''

''The seals placed the Devil, the master, and the demons, princes of the lord.''

''Baalberith, writer.''

== Fun Facts ==
[[Image:AndrewSchlafly conservapedia.jpg|thumb|Andrew <s>Schlafly</s> Chafely (not John Schlafly)]]
*Has a horseshoe testicle (two testicles fused into one).
*Shitfly is a staunch supporter of the barbaric death penalty and other "tough on crime" human rights violations.
*Shitfly is a radical [[retard|populist]] who supports tariffs and worships the [[Trump]]/[[Musk]] regime as if they're gods.
*Favorite film is ''Yentl''.
*His older brother John Schlafly is a homo [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1282/is_n20_v44/ai_12925575]. Andy himself pretends to hide the fact on Crapedia.[http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=John_Schlafly&action=history]
*Expelled from the "Society of the Divine Word" for [[Masturbation|unknown]] reasons.
*A fan of Cher and Starship.
*Andy believes [[God]] to have promised that he can break open one of the Seven Seals come [[Catnarok|Judgment Day]]. The details are yet to be firmed up with the Lamb, but Andy has his fingers crossed for the sixth and fondly imagines himself tearing it wide open with a fearsome cry of "'''Godspeed!'''" He has been known to spill his [[semen|seed]] during these daydreams, but God assured him that it's OK if he's only fantasizing about smiting, and hasn't touched his pee-pee in a [[masturbation|bad way]].
*Andy thinks that it's okay to ignore portions of the Bible if they're too liberal, because clearly they aren't the authentic literal word of God, but rather additions from human editors. [http://www.conservapedia.com/Essay:Adulteress_Story]

== Related articles ==
*[[Pedophilia]]
*[[Ann Coulter]]
*[[Batshit crazy]]
*[[White people]]
*[[Ed Poor]], partner in [[fail]]
*[[MAGA]]
*[[Failfags]]
*[[Glenn Beck]]
*[[RationalWiki]]
*[[Joe Lieberman]], fellow lover of censorship worshipped by Andy
*[[Florida]], the sacred cow for every MAGAite
*[[California]], where most MAGAites have never visited
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[Passport]], something Andy does not have
*[[Hungary]], the model for Trump's America

== External Links ==
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Schlafly Most comprehensive article on Andy]
*[http://www.phyllisschlafly.com/ visit to old Phyllis]
*[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/258144/december-08-2009/andy-schlafly Schlafly appears on Colbert Nation]
*[http://pview.findlaw.com/view/3919823_1 His publicly available fax and phone number for his law practice]

{{Christianity}}

[[Category:People|Schlafly, Andy]]

BoycottMcDonalds.com

2026-05-13T01:24:48Z

Crow caw:

{{stub}}
{{needsmore|quotes from boycottmcdonalds.com}}
[http://www.boycottmcdonalds.com/ Boycottmcdonalds.com] is a site created by [[batshit insane]] [[fundies]] who found out McDonald's was sponsoring fags and thus destroying [[bullshit|American Christian wholesome family values]]. Some [[MAGA]]ites also are boycotting McDonald's over its love of hiring illegal [[spics]] who [[retard|can't be bothered to learn English]]. More recently, boycott of McDonald's have come from radical [[muzzies]] and [[transgender]] [[communists]] (many of whom are avowed atheists) who hate [[Israhell]] and support [[Palestine]].
[[Image:Japanese mcdonalds male.PNG|thumb|The [[gay|NEW]] Ronald McDonald]]
[[Image:Fag Shirts lolz.jpg|thumb|If this keeps up,[[god hates fags|these guys]] will become [[anorexia|skinny]].]]
[[Image:RonaldGroped.jpg|thumb|Ronald Mcdonald likes fags.]]
[[Image:Ed7ox.jpg|thumb|A Fundie being Liberated]]
<youtube>kE8mBDNRKbI</youtube>
([[Fact|You can't "mock" God by promoting teh gay if you have no idea that gayness is offensive to God. Despite what bloodthirsty pigs with badges claim, ignorance is a defence!]])
<youtube>g4baaPbScWU</youtube>
==Quotes from boycott Mcdonalds.com supporters==

{{quote|I believe that out of being uninformed, McDonald's has chosen to make this stand. [[Lie|I do not hate homosexuals]], and God does not hate homosexuals. But, He does hate the sin that they involve themselves in and just as Sodom and Gomorrah was judged for this same sin, so America and every person who condones it will be judged. God loves us just as we come to Him, but He also does not leave us as we come but He betters us. McDonald's will loose a lot of business behind this; my prayer is that you remember allegiance to the One who matters most...Almighty God!|Batshit insane fundie}}

{{quote|My Family and I have not been to McD since they gave support a few weeks ago WE WILL NOT GO TO MCD UNTIL THEY WITHDRAW SUPPORT|A typical Christian demonstrating how indiscriminately loving Christians are}}

{{quote|I'm very sorry to here ''[sic]'' that McDonalds supports the gay agenda. It was a great American restaurant, good for the whole family. I can't believe that they would rather support the 2% that makes up the faggots and not the 98% of the normal people|Typical [[Idiot|boycott McDonalds supporter]] expressing the views his strictly religious father/primary molester ingrained in his mind at a young age}}

{{quote|the next thing you know RONALD will be molesting our children. No big macks for this family.|lol pedophilia}}

{{quote|We also realize you used to have values. What happened. We will no longer visit your outlets. No more McDonalds. We have 10 children and 27 grandchildren. None of which will go to McDonalds again. Sorry you have taken this avenue in business|Typical [[Grammar nazi|Christon]]}}

==Conclusion==
No wonder the Americunt [[liberal]]s are so damn obsessed with [[hoax|Christian Nationalism]].

==See Also==
* [[gay|Gay Agenda]]
* [[Homosexuality]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Christian]]
* [[Fundamentalist]]
* [[God Hates Fags]]
* [[Homophobia]]
* [[Moralfag|Moralfags]]
* [[insane|Batshit crazy]]
* [[Fucktards]]
* [[Food]]
* [[Fat]]
* [[Israel]]
* [[Palestine]]
* [[Islam]]
* [[Spic]]
* [[Walmart]]
{{sites}}
[[Category:Fandom Stuff]]
[[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]

Miami

2026-05-13T01:22:04Z

Crow caw: /* Famous Miamians */

[[Image:743px-HurricaneAndrew.jpg|thumb|[[OMG]] I can see my house from here!]]
'''Miami''' is a spic infested shithole in the Caribbean. It is the largest city in Cuba and the sixth largest city in [[Latin#Latin America|Latin America]]. It is named after an [[India]]n tribe from Ohio (go figure). Some [[jews|old people]] still continue to claim that Miami is actually a part of South [[Florida]] but they merely suffer from [[Alzheimers]] disease. It is [[common knowledge]] that the city has been ruled by Cubans since [[Fidel Castro]] conquered it in the Bay of [[Pig]]s Invasion of 1961.

==Demographics==
[[Image:Jolly.jpg|thumb|Typical Miami residents.]]
80% of Miami's population is Cuban who murder and steal and drive drunk and defecate in public, while another 18[[%]] consists of [[Haiti]]ans, who like to steal people's stuff. The remaining 2[[%]] of people live in either Pinecrest (all [[rich and beautiful]] upper-middle class [[Jews]]) or Homestead (all [[aids|black]]s, [[rape|Mexican]]s and [[republicans|redneck]]s). Miami's official language is [[Spanish]], with [[French|Haitian Creole]] coming in a close second. [[American language|American]] and Yiddish are also spoken mainly in geriatric homes.
<center><youtube>ZWzCmeURev0</youtube>
</center>
[[Image:305eye.jpg|thumb]]

==History==
Miami was shortly colonized [[at least 100]] years ago by [[Jews]] from [[New York]] and [[New Jersey]] who were too lazy to switch time zones for the beautiful scenic beaches in [[Hawaii]] or the polluted coast of [[California]]. From this, Miami has evolved from a crime-ridden city to a black person with with a [[gay|rich]] area called "South Beach", to which only tourists and [[gay]]s venture.
Scarface is buried in Miami.

==Climate and Geography==
[[Image:Golden_shower.jpg|thumb|Typical '''Spring Break''' activity, the Wet T-Shirt Contest.]]
Miami has 2 seasons: summer and hurricane. Miami gets up to 4200 inches of rain within a 20min period in the afternoon every day from April until November, while the remaining 23hrs40min of the day the sun is so bright your eyes will burn out of the sockets. Florida is called the "Sunshine State" because sunny character of its [[gay|joyous]] residents.

Due to its location on top of the Everglades swampland, Miami abounds with stray crocodiles and alligators which take the place of the more Anglo raccoons on foreclosed houses' backyards. Because whiny [[hippies|environmentalist]] [[leftard]]s have placed them on the Endangered Species List, crocodiles cannot be harmed by law, with possible punishment by [[death]] at the hands of the Gov. DeathSantis regime (thus putting them rightly in higher legal protection than Haitian immigrants).

Miami is also well known for its irreversible eroded beaches. Many [[unemployed|college students]] flock to the area every spring break to party, drink [[beer]], take [[drug]]s, and have [[List of sex moves|various kinds of sex]]. Some people even love to go for a swim on to international waters to retrieve packages lost at sea in a uniquely South Floridan version of treasure hunt.

==Economy==
Aside from urban crime and [[drug]]-trafficking, Miami's economy also depends heavily on [[fag|Ricky Martin's]] book signings. Major imports in Miami are Cubans, Haitians, Jamaicans, cigars, and [[drug]]s. Exports include but are not limited to mangoes, [[cock|bananas]], [[vagina|guavas]], GTA Vice City cityscape inspiration, and skin cancer. Miami's leading industry [[Prostitute|prostitution]] spread from 8th street but can now be found on any avenue and back alley. It is a well known fact that 8th street is the first part that Cubans took over after the victory of Bay of Pigs.

==Famous Miamians==
[[File:October2016HurricaneAtlantic.gif|thumb|right|Oct 2016 hurricane]]
* [[MILF|Gloria Estefan]]
* [[Ass|Jennifer Lopez]]
* [[Vanilla Ice]]
* [[OJ Simpson]]
* [[Officer Ricky]]
* [[Kanye West|P. Diddy]]
* [[Tiger Woods]]
* [[Ben Shapiro]]
* [[Michael Bay|the Sun Gym scammers]]
* [[Paris Hilton]]
* [[W]]'s brother
* [[Jews]]
* [[Your mom]]
* [[AJcomix]]
* [[Rick Sanchez]]

==See Also==
*[[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] - Accurate portrayal of the city
*[[Dumbfuckistan]]
*[[Cocaine]], [[Anal Sex]], [[Meth]], [[Cuba]]
*[http://www.findadeath.com/Deceased/v/Gianni%20Versace/taken%20to%20the%20hospital.JPG Gianni Versace]

{{life}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]

Miami

2026-05-13T01:20:05Z

Crow caw: /* Climate and Geography */

[[Image:743px-HurricaneAndrew.jpg|thumb|[[OMG]] I can see my house from here!]]
'''Miami''' is a spic infested shithole in the Caribbean. It is the largest city in Cuba and the sixth largest city in [[Latin#Latin America|Latin America]]. It is named after an [[India]]n tribe from Ohio (go figure). Some [[jews|old people]] still continue to claim that Miami is actually a part of South [[Florida]] but they merely suffer from [[Alzheimers]] disease. It is [[common knowledge]] that the city has been ruled by Cubans since [[Fidel Castro]] conquered it in the Bay of [[Pig]]s Invasion of 1961.

==Demographics==
[[Image:Jolly.jpg|thumb|Typical Miami residents.]]
80% of Miami's population is Cuban who murder and steal and drive drunk and defecate in public, while another 18[[%]] consists of [[Haiti]]ans, who like to steal people's stuff. The remaining 2[[%]] of people live in either Pinecrest (all [[rich and beautiful]] upper-middle class [[Jews]]) or Homestead (all [[aids|black]]s, [[rape|Mexican]]s and [[republicans|redneck]]s). Miami's official language is [[Spanish]], with [[French|Haitian Creole]] coming in a close second. [[American language|American]] and Yiddish are also spoken mainly in geriatric homes.
<center><youtube>ZWzCmeURev0</youtube>
</center>
[[Image:305eye.jpg|thumb]]

==History==
Miami was shortly colonized [[at least 100]] years ago by [[Jews]] from [[New York]] and [[New Jersey]] who were too lazy to switch time zones for the beautiful scenic beaches in [[Hawaii]] or the polluted coast of [[California]]. From this, Miami has evolved from a crime-ridden city to a black person with with a [[gay|rich]] area called "South Beach", to which only tourists and [[gay]]s venture.
Scarface is buried in Miami.

==Climate and Geography==
[[Image:Golden_shower.jpg|thumb|Typical '''Spring Break''' activity, the Wet T-Shirt Contest.]]
Miami has 2 seasons: summer and hurricane. Miami gets up to 4200 inches of rain within a 20min period in the afternoon every day from April until November, while the remaining 23hrs40min of the day the sun is so bright your eyes will burn out of the sockets. Florida is called the "Sunshine State" because sunny character of its [[gay|joyous]] residents.

Due to its location on top of the Everglades swampland, Miami abounds with stray crocodiles and alligators which take the place of the more Anglo raccoons on foreclosed houses' backyards. Because whiny [[hippies|environmentalist]] [[leftard]]s have placed them on the Endangered Species List, crocodiles cannot be harmed by law, with possible punishment by [[death]] at the hands of the Gov. DeathSantis regime (thus putting them rightly in higher legal protection than Haitian immigrants).

Miami is also well known for its irreversible eroded beaches. Many [[unemployed|college students]] flock to the area every spring break to party, drink [[beer]], take [[drug]]s, and have [[List of sex moves|various kinds of sex]]. Some people even love to go for a swim on to international waters to retrieve packages lost at sea in a uniquely South Floridan version of treasure hunt.

==Economy==
Aside from urban crime and [[drug]]-trafficking, Miami's economy also depends heavily on [[fag|Ricky Martin's]] book signings. Major imports in Miami are Cubans, Haitians, Jamaicans, cigars, and [[drug]]s. Exports include but are not limited to mangoes, [[cock|bananas]], [[vagina|guavas]], GTA Vice City cityscape inspiration, and skin cancer. Miami's leading industry [[Prostitute|prostitution]] spread from 8th street but can now be found on any avenue and back alley. It is a well known fact that 8th street is the first part that Cubans took over after the victory of Bay of Pigs.

==Famous Miamians==
[[File:October2016HurricaneAtlantic.gif|thumb|right|Oct 2016 hurricane]]
* [[MILF|Gloria Estefan]]
* [[Ass|Jennifer Lopez]]
* [[Vanilla Ice]]
* [[OJ Simpson]]
* [[Officer Ricky]]
* [[Kanye West|P. Diddy]]
* [[Paris Hilton]]
* [[W]]'s brother
* [[Jews]]
* [[Your mom]]
* [[AJcomix]]
* [[Rick Sanchez]]

==See Also==
*[[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] - Accurate portrayal of the city
*[[Dumbfuckistan]]
*[[Cocaine]], [[Anal Sex]], [[Meth]], [[Cuba]]
*[http://www.findadeath.com/Deceased/v/Gianni%20Versace/taken%20to%20the%20hospital.JPG Gianni Versace]

{{life}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]

Miami

2026-05-13T01:12:04Z

Crow caw: /* Climate and Geography */

[[Image:743px-HurricaneAndrew.jpg|thumb|[[OMG]] I can see my house from here!]]
'''Miami''' is a spic infested shithole in the Caribbean. It is the largest city in Cuba and the sixth largest city in [[Latin#Latin America|Latin America]]. It is named after an [[India]]n tribe from Ohio (go figure). Some [[jews|old people]] still continue to claim that Miami is actually a part of South [[Florida]] but they merely suffer from [[Alzheimers]] disease. It is [[common knowledge]] that the city has been ruled by Cubans since [[Fidel Castro]] conquered it in the Bay of [[Pig]]s Invasion of 1961.

==Demographics==
[[Image:Jolly.jpg|thumb|Typical Miami residents.]]
80% of Miami's population is Cuban who murder and steal and drive drunk and defecate in public, while another 18[[%]] consists of [[Haiti]]ans, who like to steal people's stuff. The remaining 2[[%]] of people live in either Pinecrest (all [[rich and beautiful]] upper-middle class [[Jews]]) or Homestead (all [[aids|black]]s, [[rape|Mexican]]s and [[republicans|redneck]]s). Miami's official language is [[Spanish]], with [[French|Haitian Creole]] coming in a close second. [[American language|American]] and Yiddish are also spoken mainly in geriatric homes.
<center><youtube>ZWzCmeURev0</youtube>
</center>
[[Image:305eye.jpg|thumb]]

==History==
Miami was shortly colonized [[at least 100]] years ago by [[Jews]] from [[New York]] and [[New Jersey]] who were too lazy to switch time zones for the beautiful scenic beaches in [[Hawaii]] or the polluted coast of [[California]]. From this, Miami has evolved from a crime-ridden city to a black person with with a [[gay|rich]] area called "South Beach", to which only tourists and [[gay]]s venture.
Scarface is buried in Miami.

==Climate and Geography==
[[Image:Golden_shower.jpg|thumb|Typical '''Spring Break''' activity, the Wet T-Shirt Contest.]]
Miami has 2 seasons: summer and hurricane. Miami gets up to 4200 inches of rain within a 20min period in the afternoon every day from April until November, while the remaining 23hrs40min of the day the sun is so bright your eyes will burn out of the sockets. Florida is called the "Sunshine State" because sunny character of its [[gay|joyous]] residents.

Due to its location on top of the Everglades swampland, Miami abounds with stray crocodiles and alligators which take the place of the more Anglo raccoons on foreclosed houses' backyards. Because whiny [[hippies|environmentalist]] [[leftard]]s have placed them on the Endangered Species List, crocodiles cannot be harmed by law, with possible punishment by [[death]] (thus putting them rightly in higher legal protection than Haitian immigrants).

Miami is also well known for its irreversible eroded beaches. Many [[unemployed|college students]] flock to the area every spring break to party, drink [[beer]], take [[drug]]s, and have [[List of sex moves|various kinds of sex]]. Some people even love to go for a swim on to international waters to retrieve packages lost at sea in a uniquely South Floridan version of treasure hunt.

==Economy==
Aside from urban crime and [[drug]]-trafficking, Miami's economy also depends heavily on [[fag|Ricky Martin's]] book signings. Major imports in Miami are Cubans, Haitians, Jamaicans, cigars, and [[drug]]s. Exports include but are not limited to mangoes, [[cock|bananas]], [[vagina|guavas]], GTA Vice City cityscape inspiration, and skin cancer. Miami's leading industry [[Prostitute|prostitution]] spread from 8th street but can now be found on any avenue and back alley. It is a well known fact that 8th street is the first part that Cubans took over after the victory of Bay of Pigs.

==Famous Miamians==
[[File:October2016HurricaneAtlantic.gif|thumb|right|Oct 2016 hurricane]]
* [[MILF|Gloria Estefan]]
* [[Ass|Jennifer Lopez]]
* [[Vanilla Ice]]
* [[OJ Simpson]]
* [[Officer Ricky]]
* [[Kanye West|P. Diddy]]
* [[Paris Hilton]]
* [[W]]'s brother
* [[Jews]]
* [[Your mom]]
* [[AJcomix]]
* [[Rick Sanchez]]

==See Also==
*[[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] - Accurate portrayal of the city
*[[Dumbfuckistan]]
*[[Cocaine]], [[Anal Sex]], [[Meth]], [[Cuba]]
*[http://www.findadeath.com/Deceased/v/Gianni%20Versace/taken%20to%20the%20hospital.JPG Gianni Versace]

{{life}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]

No Kings

2026-05-07T22:45:56Z

Crow caw: /* The Apostate Joe Walsh */

[[File:No Kings Logo - Gold Sticker.JPEG|340px|right]]

[[File:Trump thinks he's christ.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Translated from the lost Dead Sea Scrolls. The prophecy is fullfilled </center>]]

[[File:Selena Gomez Trump Red Dress..jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Bye hun. Disney will just replace you with a younger and hotter Spic</center>]]

'''#NoKings™''' is probably the better protest against our [[Donald Trump|God Emperor Trump]] Since '''#NotMyPresident.''' when all you had was a dog whistle voiced, actresses like [[Tara Strong]] or, "Ah Fuck! I've lost all relevance when [[Batman|Batman's]] voice, Kevin Conroy died and I'm really known for only one movie role and why couldn't I have been born as Harrison Ford," [[Star Wars|Mark Hamill]].

At least '''Not My President''' was fun. When our [[Trump|Great and Mighty God Emperor]] was trolling [[Best Korea|Kim Jong Un]] on twitter it was always good for a laugh because when you're a 5 Foot nothing, 300 pound, looks like he has no neck and is using a scrub brush as a toupee [[Azn]] the comedy writes itself.

Uhhh, 최고령도자 김정은 (Ch'oego Ryŏngdoja Kim Jŏng-eun), Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, if one of your fantastic secret agents should find this degrading quote against you, remember it was already in this article. If anyone's to blame for this insult to your honor, it's [[User:Cheetah|Cheetah]].

The No Kings movement was started by the [[Faggot|Sissy]] group '''''50501''''' which stands for 50 states, 50 protests, 1 movement or more colloquialy - 50 [[Penis|Dicks]], 50 [[Asshole|Hungry Rectums]] and 1 big pile.

This whole collection of [[Leftard|Liberal]] faggotry started on June 14, 2025, or the same day, {{age|1946|6|14}} years ago when a mountain in the Sierra Nevadas split in 2, [[Trump|Our Great God Emperor]] sprang from his mother's [[Vagina|Womb]], assisted in his own delivery and then drove himself home three hours after he was born. Or, to weak kneed [[Crybaby|crybabies]] that fail to realize that a powerful personality such as [[Donald Trump]]'s would never find it insulting that a few ex-hippies started a movement against him on his birthday and is so secure in his position that no matter what mind trickery that this '''#NoKings''' movement might try, none of our God Emperor's staff would revolt against him. No matter what they say, no matter what lies they might tell, no one would ever turn against our God Emperor.

'''#NoKings''' end game is that they think they can accomplish the impossable task of turning our '''''Demigod Vice President, J.D. Vance''''' and a majority of our God Emperor's cabinet to rise up against him and remove our God Emperor from the office that he was born to hold two more times by using the power of the 25th ammendment because, according to these angry [[Incel]]s that are puking out propoganda like a [[16-year-old girl]] in a bathroom after a [[Thanksgiving]] dinner, '''#NoKings''' believes that if they keep telling the lie that our God Emperor has gone senile, the people will start to believe that Trump see's himself as a King ruling over America with an Iron Fist and want him removed.

For the last fucking time he's not a king, he's a [[Trump|God Emperor]]. We've only been saying this since 2016 for [[Jesus|Christ's]] sake. Getting back on topic, 50501 accused our God Emperor of over stepping powers that they aren't aware that he has because he was born as a deity in human form.

They began their [[Special Snowflake Syndrome]] protest over what they considered executive over reach because Trump, they claim, is bypassing [[Congress]] with executive orders to crack down and send home [[No Human Being is Illegal|Illegal Immigrants]] because '''HAWT''' [[Spic|Spics]] like [[Mexico|Selena Gomez]], '''¡¡DAMN!!''' We'd hit that beaner [[Ass]] like we were nailing the winning homerun at the bottom of the 9th in the 7th game of the [[Baseball|World Series]] when we're 3 runs down, have 2 outs, the bases are loaded and we have 2 strikes against us.

Seriously. We'd [[Secks|slam that wetback ass]] so hard that we'd have to give her one of [https://www.kidney.org/news-stories/selena-gomez-reveals-she-had-kidney-transplant our kidneys] when we were done tearing that '''HAWT''' Mexican strange up because we'd break it like a spoiled child being given a [[Toy Story|Toy]] that they don't want. Forgive us for that digression. We've been writing [[Schlick|Finger Flick]] books for [[Porn|Harlequin Romance]]. $4,000 a book. 4 books a month. You do the math.

This whole sissy epidemic started because these brainwashed college students and senile, old hippies from the 60s and wannabe hippies from the 80s felt that our God Emperor was bypassing congress with executive orders to send these job stealing, welfare dependant illegals back home while the castrated, liberal male of the species somehow found themselves overly motivated because these Simps were feeling emotions and weird sensations in their crotches for people like Selena Gomez crying on [[Instagram]], about how her Non-English speaking Grandfather is an [[Wetback|Illegal Immigrant]] and if Trump were to send his illegal ass back to [[Mexico]], she would go with him too.

Not surprising, Selena Gomez took the post down after 2 hours because she was getting buried in a deluge of '''"Goodbye"''' replies.

To put this in context, no one bitched one bit when [[Barack Hussein Obama|Super Nigger]] was violating the Constituation with his illegal, '''''Can't Wait For Approval''''', executive ordered, Predator Drone Strikes against suspected terrorists.

It all depends on who does it. When our God Emperor wants to save our lands by reducing the strain on the government by sending these foul wretches that say they love this country only when they're getting handouts of free housing, food and money - he's a bad guy. When [[Barack Hussein Obama|President Nigger]] decides that it's time to play [[XBox|XBox Murder Strike]] with military drones with no prior autherization, he's the good guy.

<center><youtube>https://youtu.be/5Pb8elrfEMw?si=Zf5LyYTpIODw1X8c</youtube></center>

== So What Is No Kings ==

[[File:Donald the king.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>These memes are great</center>]]

[[File:Donald witty rebuttal.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Be amazed by the wit and humor of out Great God Emperor</center>]]

Pretty much it's a [[Anonymous Hate Group|party]] of has been 60s and 80s celebrities like Joan Baez and [[Jew|Bruce Springsteen]] along with that famous American [[Sherrod DeHippo|Traitor]], [[Whore|Jane Fonda]] who would record tapes for the dirtiest of the [[Azn]] species, the [[Vietnam|Vietnamese]], that they'd play during attacks against American bases with dear 'Ol Jane telling our American Soldiers to put down their arms, quit the fight and surrender to the VietCong because they are committing crimes against civilians, innocents and killing [[Baby|Babies]] in America's name.

Jane Fonda is most famous for her legendary and trecherous visit to a VietCong [[Prison|POW]] camp for the [[United Nations|UN]]. Soldiers were palming her slips of paper that when put together would inform her and the UN of the harsh punishments, treatment and forced starvation they were being forced to endure and right in front of the soldiers, Lady Turncoat handed the slips of paper to the lead VietCong officer.

We Hope that [[Richard Nixon|'Ol Tricky Dick]] is getting a big [[Fuck|Fuck You]] in [[Hell]] by having his colon used as the [[Devil]]'s watermelon garden because he chose not to prosecute Hanoi Jane for [[Treason]]. If 'Ol Dick had let charges of Treason proceed against Jane, she would never have been able to set foot on American soil again and would still be hanging out with [[Roman Polanski]] in France, crying about how Peaceful [[Reporting Un-Islamic content|Islam]] is while Muslims run from one end of [[Paris]] to the other, [[Asking for it|Raping]] 12-year-old French girls and burning the city down to the ground or what we like to call, [[Last Thursday]]

The '''No Kings''' movement's first and only complaint is that during his [[2024]] campaign, [[Donald Trump|Our God Emperor 2.0]] dared to make the truthful statement of, "Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.”

The '''No Kings Movement''' claims that this quote alone prooves Trump's senility because he sees himself as something more than a king, a [[Jesus|messionic]] figure, a [[Christianity|King of Kings]] despite prophecies having been written long in the past, most famously by Nostradamus, that it is he that was born to lead America out of this desert of despair and back to the [[Bible|Garden of Eden]] where we were all immortal.

They say that Trump's claim is that he and only he alone can do it. Now let us compare that to [[Obama|King Nigger's]] quote where he drops the black defense of absolving himself of all blame of his failings by saying that he could have brought about the change that he promised if others weren't blocking him every step of the way when he said, "Politics has become so bitter and partisan, so gummed up by money and influence that we can't tackle the big problems that demand solutions."

The '''No Kings''' movement willfully ignores Trump's divinity and says that we should all be very frightened of him because this earlier quote shows that our [[Donald Trump|God Emperor]] sees himself as infallable. Above humanity. That he should be held accountable for his actions.

Let's take a look at accountability for a second, it was [[John F. Kennedy]] that gave us [[Vietnam]] but because he made [[16-year-old girl|Teenage Girl's]], their Mother's and sometimes their Grandmother's panties [[Orgasm|Moist]], and because someone [[Headshot|Splattered his brains]] all over his wife's bubblegum pink, Chanel Bouclé Suit, he gets a pass and [[LBJ]] gets all the blame.

'''No Kings''' tries to confuse the people by making the underhanded claim that '''The Donald''' wants to establish himself as the [[Fidel Castro|Dictator]] of [[America]].

Seriously, if our [[Donald Trump|Gran Dios Emperador]] were to hear the people's voices and accept the title of [[President|Presidente de por Vida]], President for life, it would be a most glorious time indeed.

Sadly, his rule would be short. We needen't worry about [[Murder|Assassins]] because [[Trump|Our Great God Emperor]] has [[God|God's]] favor and blessings but sadly he might be called home all to soon. Fortunately, as all wise leaders before him, Our Great God Emperor has chosen for us a suitable successor from the greatest state of the Union, '''Demigod J.D Vance''' from [[Ohio]] who will follow out Great God Emperor's well paved road to success and [[MAGA|Make America Great Again]].

This "No Kings" movement is nothing more than another [[Richard Dawkins]], atheist movement designed to devolve humanity back to monkeys in trees long before God saw something special in us and gifted us with the intellect that those belonging to these Anti-Trump parties are sorely lacking.

== Who Belongs To No Kings? ==

[[File:Odin Made Trump King 1.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Even the wise Odin agrees that Trump should rule all</center>]]

[[File:King trumps greet his subjects.jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Our Great God Emperor Greets his adoring public</center>]]

[[File:Black man protester.jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>When you see blacks at a protest, they're only there to start a riot</center>]]

You've already met them.

The followers of the '''#NoKings''' movement are what we like to call the [[Communist|Trustfund Socialist]]. If you're going to [[College]] and having to suffer through one of the mandatory [[Art]] classes you have to take because they're a part of your [[Money|core curriculum requirements]] because the [[Jews]] in charge have decided that the most efficiant way to [[Milk Bags|Milk]] you out of [[Money]] and ensure that you'll run up a $65,000 dept, not including interest, for a four year Bachelors Degree is to make you take classes and to buy books and supplies for classes that will have no bearing in your life because they've sold the [[America|American Lemmings]] on the idea that a well rounded education is necessary. Not to mention the illegal spics who refuse to even try to learn English at all are taking our jobs!

We were forced to take Art History for our Pre-Law, Pre-Med and Engineering majors. Tell us, how the fuck is knowing what period a religious painting is from will help us when we're transplanting a heart or prosecuting a [[Child Molester]]? In [[You|Your]] case, how will knowing if a painting of [[Christ]] comes from the Byzantine or Baroque period help you when the black boys in your [[Prison|Prison Pod]] are making you lick up all the [[Cum]] that they blew on to a piece of paper, just for you, because they want to see if you'll be fun to keep around.

The only necessary classes out of the core curriculum requirements are the [[English|Academic Writing]] classes because no one wants to be accused of being a [[Plagiarism|Nick Simmons]] because you didn't correctly credit an author.

Oh, and just because we like to see you [[Crybaby|cry]], '''''The Copyeditor's Handbook''''' that you have to buy for your Academic Writing Classes can cost anywhere from $95 - $150 and there's little chance that you can buy one used because [[English|College English Departments]] like to change which book they're going to use every year. What are we saying? That's pretty much how every College Department works.

To give you a hint on who to look for that goes to protests to scream ''''''America Doesn't Need A God Emperor"''''' just look for that stupid [[Bitch]] or [[Douche bag]] in one of your unnecessary art classes that smokes French [[Cigarette|Cigarettes]], wears Abercrombie & Fitch or Ralph Lauren brands, drives a Mercedes S Class or a 10 Cylander Pickup Truck, to measure their level of douchery look at the bed of their truck, if it is well waxed and doesn't have a scratch on it, they're obviously one.

During these mind numbing classes, they'll be the ones quoting from '''''Mao Tse Tung's Little Red Book''''' like a [[Scientology|$cientologist]] quoting from [[L. Ron Hubbard|Dianetics]] or preaching about how equality can only come about once there has been wealth redistribution, ignoring the fact that they have rich parents and that Mommy and [[Your Dad|Daddy]] are making all the payments on their [[Docs|Visa Platinum]] every month.

To be absolutely sure if someone is one of these fuckwits, go up and ask them for $20. If they tell you to, [[Fuck|"Fuck off!"]] "Get a Job," or "Maybe you should vote blue," you've found one because it's everyone else that should be generous and willing to give up their [[Money]] to help someone.

The adult form isn't all that much differant. Think Bono from [[Fat Larry's Band|U2]] or [[Roger Waters]] that preach about living wages, free medicine, and communist ideals but hang on to their wealth like a [[Kid|3-Year-Old]] cluthing their little blue blanket because there might be a monster under their bed.

The worst version of the '''"#NoKings"''' protestors is the [[School|Middle School]] or [[High School]] teacher that falsely inflates the numbers at protests by selling grades to whoever shows up.

Promising a half-grade bonus to your end of the semester, final grade, who the '''FUCK''' isn't going to show up?

You could be the most hardcore [[Trump]] supporter but if it means going from a B+ to an A, they're going to do it because a B+ is recorded as a B when it comes time for Report Cards.

== Our Great God Emperor Versus Nazis ==

[[File:Democrat with death's head tattoo .jpeg|right|250px]]

[[File:Tattoo-analysis-2.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:President go emperor trump.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Platner sexual assault.jpg|right|250px]]

Now, instead of the baseless calling of our Great God Emperor a [[Nazi]] it seems that the [[Democrat|Democratic Party]] would rather go all out and support confirmed ones.

Brain damaged and dusty [[Bernie Sanders]] has taken up the battle to support Graham Platner's bid as a US Senator for the [[Idiot|Imbecilic]] State of [[Maine]].

[[Asshole|Platner]] doesn't come without controversy. Choosing to ignore his [[Johnny Somali]] excuse of, "I Didn't know what it represented," Dumbocrats have bought into Platner's excuse that he got his [[Nazi|SS-Totenkopf]] (Death's Head) skull and crossbones tattoo on his chest during a [[Alcohol|drunken bender]], in [[Croatia]], in 2007 despite Croatia having put laws in place that make it [[Law|Illegal]] under their [[Racists|Anti-Hate Laws]] to do such things since 2006.

With such Anti-Hate laws in place, it's not like a Tattoo Parlor in Croatia is going to have a picture of a Totenkopf on the wall or in a book for a drunken embarrassment to the [[Marines|USMC]] to wander in and say, "I want that one."

Platner knew exacty what he was doing. Now thinking that he is clever, and showing the [[Retard|Retardation]] levels of the godless Democrats, Platner covered his [[Offend|"Offensive"]] tattoo with a Celtic Wolf that has 2 halves of a [[Swastika]] inside it. The wolf is a well known [[America|American]], far-Left (Yes - Nazis have more in common with the Left you [[Retard|R-Tard]], look it up) and neo-Nazi symbol that makes the claim that a [[Dog|Amerimutt]] has a "pure" [[Viking|Nordic]] or Germanic past despite their [[Trailer trash]] mud genes and their having to play [[Bastard|Wheel Of Daddy]] every Father's Day.

Now we ask you. Despite all the insults that have been thrown at our God Emperor, has he ever had a Nazi [[Tattoo]] and then tried to hide it by covering it up with another Nazi style tattoo?

While we're on the subject of our Untermensch, mutt gened, "Oyster" farmer from Maine Graham Platner, when our [[Trump|Great God Emperor]] was falsely accused of touching some [[Fat]], ugly [[Wimmins|Woman's]] pussy, the [[Leftard|Far-Left]] dressed up in [[Vagina]]s and paraded themselves up and down the streets throwing blame. When Platner says that [[Rape]] victioms are [[Asking for it]], it's just a normal day for the left because Platner should get a pass because he shed a tear and said that is was because he's an [[Marines|Ex-Marine]], was drunk, suffering from [[Crybaby|Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder]], wasn't really conscious of the gravity of his statement and meant it as an ironic [[Joke]] that was meant to be taken with a grain of salt.

In other words, the [[Drug|Ambian]] defense.

If you're a far-right comedian like [[Roseanne Barr]] that accepts our [[Trump|God Emperor Trump]] as America's only path to salvation and go on [[Twitter|X]] and say that a monkey looking politician looks like they crawled down from the trees [[Last Thursday]], you lose everything.

Be a Democrat and cry the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder anthym of '''''"I've seen things man,"''''' you'll get a free pass.

This just stands as more proof of how the [[God|godless]] Democrats are always ready to throw blame and want to see "[[Trump|Our Great God Emperor]] fall from grace.

== The Apostate Joe Walsh ==

[[File:Joe Walsh Trust.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Joe Walsh Supports Kamala..jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Joe Walsh thinks progress is getting an incompetant, black woman elected president</center>]]

[[File:Magic the gathering trump.jpg|right|250px]]

Joe Walsh is an ex-republican congressman from Illinois turned one of the leading #NoKings™ grifters.

Like every Apple Pie, Baseball, freedom loving, [[Heterosexual]], peace loving person to be born on this great planet [[Earth]], [[Homo|Joe Walsh]] was born to the [[Religion|faith]] of accepting Donald Trump as our [[Trump|Great God Emperor]].

So what is wrong with Joe Walsh? Speculating, could he have had a night where he woke up with an empty bottle of Valium next to him, a busted condom between his [[Anal|Ass Cheeks]] and Bernie Leadon laying down beside him and this is why he says that The Donald sees himself as a merciless king with unlimited power?

It's more likely that [[Hipster|Trendy Fuckers]] that haven't heard the talents of [[Ozzy Osbourne|Randy Rhoads]], Yngwie Malmsteen, Jimmy Page or Steve Vai and having the ignorant [[Balls]] to call Walsh a Guitar God, when he is nothing more that a Guitar Martyr or a member of the Guitar Faithful, has gone to his head and the reason why Walsh thinks that he has the breeding to be allowed to speak against [[The Donald]]

Like so many [[Celebrity|Celebrities]], Joe Walsh thinks that being famous gives him an inherant understanding of [[Politics]] and the right to be allowed to speak his tiny, drug damaged mind.

In April 2016, Joe Walsh withdrew from a scheduled July 18, 2016 concert in Cleveland, [[Ohio]] that was to benefit veterans because his [[Conspiracy Theory|Tinfoil Hat Theory]] said that it was a launch for the Republican National Convention. How many fans did his crazy theory disapoint. How many veterans weren't able to get prosthetics or motorized wheel chairs because he wouldn't play?

Being seduced by the [[Star Wars|The Dark Side]], Joe Walsh has slandered our God Emperor by saying, '''''"The president is ruthless on Twitter. Everybody’s afraid to get Twittered, you know? Stocks go up and down, that’s why. Everybody’s scared.”''''' insinuating that [[America|America's]] savior has enough time on his hands to [[Lurk]] all day on social media and make attack posts against the unfaithful when our God Emperor has a country to save. Our [[President]] may have been born to this world as a God Emperor but he is still a man and is neither Omnipotent or Omnipresent. People like Walsh want to convinve the people that he has these powers to spread fear.

To display a further lack of faith, Joe Walsh has described the one true Political Party, The Republican Party as a threat to democracy and a cult of people unable to think for themselves and will say '''''Amen''''' to just about everything that they're told like they are in Southern Baptist [[Church]].

This is the same Republican Party that freed the [[Slave|Slaves]], created the interstate highways across the country, passed the 15th Ammendment that "prohibits states from denying due process or equal protection of the law", the 15th Ammendment that "prohibits federal and state governments from denying a citizen the right to vote based on race, color, or previous condition of servitude" and the 19th Ammendment that says that [[Wimmins]] have the right to vote so long as they can make tasty [[Sammich|Sammiches]] for their [[Man]].

What have the "[[Peace|Peace Loving]], flower-power democrats done? They defended the right of slavery, were in support of Jim Crow laws and the [[KKK]], gave us [[Vietnam]], Made the [[America|US]] the only country to have ever used [[Nuclear War|Atomics]] against an enemy, opposed Civil Rights and support [[Censorship]] in [[Music]] and Video Games.

That's a lot to be proud of.

If Joe Walsh is what the [[Democrat|Dumbocrats]] are calling a god and worthy of our prayers, then we would rather burn in the deepest pits of [[Hell]].

== The Joe Walsh Imitation ==

[[File:Fake Joe Walsh.jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>The artificial Jow Walsh</center>]]

[[File:God emperor trump in mighty armor.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Mighty Trump statue.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Soon this bust will be decorating the entrance of every school, inspiring all to greatness</center>]]

We could sum up this guy's political career in one sentence but where's the fun in that?

Was a Republican, became a [[Teabagging|Tea Party]] member, said [[Global Warming]] is a lie, betrayed the faithful by becoming a [[Democrat]] and now says that Global Warming is happening.

This Joe Walsh, born ''December 27, 1961'' and hoping to confuse the [[Rick The
voters|Voters]] by thinking that he could ride the name of the more famous [[Fat Larry's Band|Eagles]] version by getting the uninformed voters to think that it was the Famous '''Joe Walsh''' running for office.

Possibly forseeing him as the [[Sherrod DeHippo|Traitor]] that he would become, the Republicans wouldn't let him eat lunch at their table.

Hurt and getting [[Bullying|Bullied]] every day by the Republicans, the fake Walsh joined the [[Teabagging]] party, falsely called himself a conservative, demanded that [[Barack Hussein Obama]] quit buying $35,000 sound systems for his $500, 1990s Geo Metros and get serious about balancing the budget.

Losing faith in our [[Trump|Great God Emperor Trump]] and thinking that he was a better man than a [[God|Deity]] born in human flesh, the fake Joe Walsh decided that he'd run against our Great God Emperor in 2020 for the Republican Ticket.

Feeling [[Butthurt]] after he only received 1% of the vote at the '''''2020 [[Iowa]] Republican Rresidential Caucuses''''' the first thing that this fake Joe Walsh did was run to [[CNN]] and started to whine like a [[Nigger|Black Student]] that got a 550 on his SATs and cry that the system is rigged. Feeling like a [[Loli|13-year-old girl]] that broke up with her first [[Boyfriend]] and wanting the max air time that he could get on CNN, this artificial Jow Walsh quickly turned his back on the [[Republican]] party by saying that it is a cult populated by people that think that our [[Trump|Great God Emperor]] can do no wrong.

He can't. Trump is more than a man and something that this pseudo Joe Walsh will never understand.

Being the little [[Bitch]] that he is, this Non-Eagles Walsh ran to the Democratic party and rescinded everything he said as a conservative. Now lies like Global Warming are real, the [[White]] man is keeping the black man down and Billionares like [[Elon Musk]] are the modern day [[Communist|Robber Barons]] building fortunes off of the broken backs of the working man and should be made to redistribute their [[Money|wealth]].

To quote the [[Trump|Our One True God Emperor]] on this charlatan that turned his back on the faith that is the Republican Party, "[[Nothing of value was lost]]"

== So Who Are The People Behind '''#NoKings™'''? ==

[[File:God emperor trump action figure by jin saotome dchkw6d-375w-2x.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>We know what we're giving out as Christmas presents this year</center>]]

[[File:Trump leads the religion that is america.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Accept the faith that is America and you too will be saved</center>]]

They are a cabal of [[White]], Rich, arrogant, [[Hillary Clinton|Smug]] [[Liberal|Libs]] that secretly give each other cute titles like '''''Prince du sang''''' or a true descendant of the royal line while in public they want you you to believe that they only want titles like Governor, Senator or [[President]] for your sake.

Aiming for a white following and also knowing that it is hard to get those that identify as Democrats out of their [[Basement|Basements]] and into the [[Sun]] to protest, our arogant white agents of dissent aimed for the [[Internet Tough Guy|Keyboard Warriors]] that have no problem with dropping a hashtag like '''#NoKings™''' at the end or top of every post.

If they do get the [[College]] or [[High School]] students that are always ready to march because they keep a blank picket sign and some black paint always on them, this secret cabal of Libs want it to be as peaceful as possible. They don't want to look like the [[France|French]] that will place a doll representing a politician in a guillotine to cut off its head. They want well behaved children that will stand in the cold doing nothing while holding up a sign that has '''#NoKings™''' with bold, black, vinyl letters on it that was handed out to them, along with $50, when they got off the bus because this secret Lib cabal doesn't care about the message and only wants large groups for news photographers.

The majority of the '''#NoKings™''' protestors are poor white chumps that will never make it past minimum wage and the rich white women and men that can be seduced out of their [[Money]] by a good looking [[Puerto Rico|Ricano]] rolling their Rs because that is how [[White Devils|Whitey]] thinks they actually talk.

To put it in the least amount of words, '''#NoKings™''' is merely a club for friendless [[Incels]] to get together and gripe sbout how they can't [[Sex|Get Laid]] because there is some conspiracy against them that has made Flat-Chested, [[Japan|Japanese]] bitches to see 500 pound losers that shower in Axe Body Spray, wear [[Deadpool]] T-Shirts, and have no jobs unattractive.

[[Shit]], Everything on the above list can be forgiven if they had a J-O-B. If the job is good enough, that [[Vagina|Sideways Gash]] won't even mind living in his [[Your Mom|Mother's]] basement and having to dress up as a green and blue [[Furfag|Fox]] every other night because it's the only way to get him in the mood and she wants to secure her place by having a [[Baby]] so she can take half of his [[Shit]] 11 years later because [[Azn]] women might be [[Kawaii|Cute]] and non-threatening when you're dating but the second you say [[Marriage|"I Do"]] they become mini-tyrants. They take absolute control of the finances and want to be sure that they'll be getting well paid when they leave.

The people that are really behind '''#NoKings™''' support [[ICE]] and want the garbage taken out.

'''#NoKings™''' is merely a [[False flag]].

[[Yes]], you're being played.

While you're out there holding up a stupid sign, [[Amelia|Forced Remigragion]] continues. '''#NoKings™''' is nothing more than an [[MK ULTRA]] misdirection. Now that the [[Spics]] aren't voting for them, the Libs want them out. Like a simple reverse palming trick that a teenage shoplifter uses in [[Wal-Mart]], these rich libs like [[Chelsea Clinton]], that walked out of [[College]] and into a consulting [[Job]] paying $500,000 a year the second she was handed her diploma, want you to shake your fingers at our [[Hero|Heroic]] Republicans while they hide behind subterfuge and cheap tricks to make them look like their hands have no blood on them.

== Baby's First Protest ==
<center><gallery>
File:No Kings (logo, stacked).png
File:No kings logo Oct 18 2025.jpg
File:No kings signs - The Lyin' King.jpg
File:No kings the only orange man i support cheetos sign.jpg|Fat moment
File:Libs say no kings in crayon.jpeg
</gallery></center>

== Video ==

<center><youtube>https://youtu.be/V5WMQZQYBIQ</youtube></center>

==See Also==

[[File:Trump shown as angelic healer.jpg|right|250px]]

* [[CNN]]

* [[Cabal]]

* [[Democracy]]

* [[Donald Trump|God Emperor Trump]]

* [[Fake News]]

* [[Fox News]]

* [[He Will Not Divide Us]]

* [[Liberal|Libtard]]

* [[Politics]]

* [[President]]

* [[Amelia|Remigration]]

* [[Republican Party]]

==External Links==

* [https://www.fiftyfifty.one/ 50501 Page]

* [https://indivisible.org/ Indivisable: Organizers of No Kings Day]

* [https://patriotcommandcenter.org/forum/no-kings-day-failure-low-energy-geriatric-old-hippies-antifa-viol No Kings Failure]

* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Kings_protests No Kings Protests]

* [https://www.nokings.org No Kings website]

{{Sj}}
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[[Category:2025]][[Category:IRL Shit]]

No Kings

2026-05-07T22:41:25Z

Crow caw: /* Who Belongs To No Kings? */

[[File:No Kings Logo - Gold Sticker.JPEG|340px|right]]

[[File:Trump thinks he's christ.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Translated from the lost Dead Sea Scrolls. The prophecy is fullfilled </center>]]

[[File:Selena Gomez Trump Red Dress..jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Bye hun. Disney will just replace you with a younger and hotter Spic</center>]]

'''#NoKings™''' is probably the better protest against our [[Donald Trump|God Emperor Trump]] Since '''#NotMyPresident.''' when all you had was a dog whistle voiced, actresses like [[Tara Strong]] or, "Ah Fuck! I've lost all relevance when [[Batman|Batman's]] voice, Kevin Conroy died and I'm really known for only one movie role and why couldn't I have been born as Harrison Ford," [[Star Wars|Mark Hamill]].

At least '''Not My President''' was fun. When our [[Trump|Great and Mighty God Emperor]] was trolling [[Best Korea|Kim Jong Un]] on twitter it was always good for a laugh because when you're a 5 Foot nothing, 300 pound, looks like he has no neck and is using a scrub brush as a toupee [[Azn]] the comedy writes itself.

Uhhh, 최고령도자 김정은 (Ch'oego Ryŏngdoja Kim Jŏng-eun), Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, if one of your fantastic secret agents should find this degrading quote against you, remember it was already in this article. If anyone's to blame for this insult to your honor, it's [[User:Cheetah|Cheetah]].

The No Kings movement was started by the [[Faggot|Sissy]] group '''''50501''''' which stands for 50 states, 50 protests, 1 movement or more colloquialy - 50 [[Penis|Dicks]], 50 [[Asshole|Hungry Rectums]] and 1 big pile.

This whole collection of [[Leftard|Liberal]] faggotry started on June 14, 2025, or the same day, {{age|1946|6|14}} years ago when a mountain in the Sierra Nevadas split in 2, [[Trump|Our Great God Emperor]] sprang from his mother's [[Vagina|Womb]], assisted in his own delivery and then drove himself home three hours after he was born. Or, to weak kneed [[Crybaby|crybabies]] that fail to realize that a powerful personality such as [[Donald Trump]]'s would never find it insulting that a few ex-hippies started a movement against him on his birthday and is so secure in his position that no matter what mind trickery that this '''#NoKings''' movement might try, none of our God Emperor's staff would revolt against him. No matter what they say, no matter what lies they might tell, no one would ever turn against our God Emperor.

'''#NoKings''' end game is that they think they can accomplish the impossable task of turning our '''''Demigod Vice President, J.D. Vance''''' and a majority of our God Emperor's cabinet to rise up against him and remove our God Emperor from the office that he was born to hold two more times by using the power of the 25th ammendment because, according to these angry [[Incel]]s that are puking out propoganda like a [[16-year-old girl]] in a bathroom after a [[Thanksgiving]] dinner, '''#NoKings''' believes that if they keep telling the lie that our God Emperor has gone senile, the people will start to believe that Trump see's himself as a King ruling over America with an Iron Fist and want him removed.

For the last fucking time he's not a king, he's a [[Trump|God Emperor]]. We've only been saying this since 2016 for [[Jesus|Christ's]] sake. Getting back on topic, 50501 accused our God Emperor of over stepping powers that they aren't aware that he has because he was born as a deity in human form.

They began their [[Special Snowflake Syndrome]] protest over what they considered executive over reach because Trump, they claim, is bypassing [[Congress]] with executive orders to crack down and send home [[No Human Being is Illegal|Illegal Immigrants]] because '''HAWT''' [[Spic|Spics]] like [[Mexico|Selena Gomez]], '''¡¡DAMN!!''' We'd hit that beaner [[Ass]] like we were nailing the winning homerun at the bottom of the 9th in the 7th game of the [[Baseball|World Series]] when we're 3 runs down, have 2 outs, the bases are loaded and we have 2 strikes against us.

Seriously. We'd [[Secks|slam that wetback ass]] so hard that we'd have to give her one of [https://www.kidney.org/news-stories/selena-gomez-reveals-she-had-kidney-transplant our kidneys] when we were done tearing that '''HAWT''' Mexican strange up because we'd break it like a spoiled child being given a [[Toy Story|Toy]] that they don't want. Forgive us for that digression. We've been writing [[Schlick|Finger Flick]] books for [[Porn|Harlequin Romance]]. $4,000 a book. 4 books a month. You do the math.

This whole sissy epidemic started because these brainwashed college students and senile, old hippies from the 60s and wannabe hippies from the 80s felt that our God Emperor was bypassing congress with executive orders to send these job stealing, welfare dependant illegals back home while the castrated, liberal male of the species somehow found themselves overly motivated because these Simps were feeling emotions and weird sensations in their crotches for people like Selena Gomez crying on [[Instagram]], about how her Non-English speaking Grandfather is an [[Wetback|Illegal Immigrant]] and if Trump were to send his illegal ass back to [[Mexico]], she would go with him too.

Not surprising, Selena Gomez took the post down after 2 hours because she was getting buried in a deluge of '''"Goodbye"''' replies.

To put this in context, no one bitched one bit when [[Barack Hussein Obama|Super Nigger]] was violating the Constituation with his illegal, '''''Can't Wait For Approval''''', executive ordered, Predator Drone Strikes against suspected terrorists.

It all depends on who does it. When our God Emperor wants to save our lands by reducing the strain on the government by sending these foul wretches that say they love this country only when they're getting handouts of free housing, food and money - he's a bad guy. When [[Barack Hussein Obama|President Nigger]] decides that it's time to play [[XBox|XBox Murder Strike]] with military drones with no prior autherization, he's the good guy.

<center><youtube>https://youtu.be/5Pb8elrfEMw?si=Zf5LyYTpIODw1X8c</youtube></center>

== So What Is No Kings ==

[[File:Donald the king.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>These memes are great</center>]]

[[File:Donald witty rebuttal.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Be amazed by the wit and humor of out Great God Emperor</center>]]

Pretty much it's a [[Anonymous Hate Group|party]] of has been 60s and 80s celebrities like Joan Baez and [[Jew|Bruce Springsteen]] along with that famous American [[Sherrod DeHippo|Traitor]], [[Whore|Jane Fonda]] who would record tapes for the dirtiest of the [[Azn]] species, the [[Vietnam|Vietnamese]], that they'd play during attacks against American bases with dear 'Ol Jane telling our American Soldiers to put down their arms, quit the fight and surrender to the VietCong because they are committing crimes against civilians, innocents and killing [[Baby|Babies]] in America's name.

Jane Fonda is most famous for her legendary and trecherous visit to a VietCong [[Prison|POW]] camp for the [[United Nations|UN]]. Soldiers were palming her slips of paper that when put together would inform her and the UN of the harsh punishments, treatment and forced starvation they were being forced to endure and right in front of the soldiers, Lady Turncoat handed the slips of paper to the lead VietCong officer.

We Hope that [[Richard Nixon|'Ol Tricky Dick]] is getting a big [[Fuck|Fuck You]] in [[Hell]] by having his colon used as the [[Devil]]'s watermelon garden because he chose not to prosecute Hanoi Jane for [[Treason]]. If 'Ol Dick had let charges of Treason proceed against Jane, she would never have been able to set foot on American soil again and would still be hanging out with [[Roman Polanski]] in France, crying about how Peaceful [[Reporting Un-Islamic content|Islam]] is while Muslims run from one end of [[Paris]] to the other, [[Asking for it|Raping]] 12-year-old French girls and burning the city down to the ground or what we like to call, [[Last Thursday]]

The '''No Kings''' movement's first and only complaint is that during his [[2024]] campaign, [[Donald Trump|Our God Emperor 2.0]] dared to make the truthful statement of, "Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.”

The '''No Kings Movement''' claims that this quote alone prooves Trump's senility because he sees himself as something more than a king, a [[Jesus|messionic]] figure, a [[Christianity|King of Kings]] despite prophecies having been written long in the past, most famously by Nostradamus, that it is he that was born to lead America out of this desert of despair and back to the [[Bible|Garden of Eden]] where we were all immortal.

They say that Trump's claim is that he and only he alone can do it. Now let us compare that to [[Obama|King Nigger's]] quote where he drops the black defense of absolving himself of all blame of his failings by saying that he could have brought about the change that he promised if others weren't blocking him every step of the way when he said, "Politics has become so bitter and partisan, so gummed up by money and influence that we can't tackle the big problems that demand solutions."

The '''No Kings''' movement willfully ignores Trump's divinity and says that we should all be very frightened of him because this earlier quote shows that our [[Donald Trump|God Emperor]] sees himself as infallable. Above humanity. That he should be held accountable for his actions.

Let's take a look at accountability for a second, it was [[John F. Kennedy]] that gave us [[Vietnam]] but because he made [[16-year-old girl|Teenage Girl's]], their Mother's and sometimes their Grandmother's panties [[Orgasm|Moist]], and because someone [[Headshot|Splattered his brains]] all over his wife's bubblegum pink, Chanel Bouclé Suit, he gets a pass and [[LBJ]] gets all the blame.

'''No Kings''' tries to confuse the people by making the underhanded claim that '''The Donald''' wants to establish himself as the [[Fidel Castro|Dictator]] of [[America]].

Seriously, if our [[Donald Trump|Gran Dios Emperador]] were to hear the people's voices and accept the title of [[President|Presidente de por Vida]], President for life, it would be a most glorious time indeed.

Sadly, his rule would be short. We needen't worry about [[Murder|Assassins]] because [[Trump|Our Great God Emperor]] has [[God|God's]] favor and blessings but sadly he might be called home all to soon. Fortunately, as all wise leaders before him, Our Great God Emperor has chosen for us a suitable successor from the greatest state of the Union, '''Demigod J.D Vance''' from [[Ohio]] who will follow out Great God Emperor's well paved road to success and [[MAGA|Make America Great Again]].

This "No Kings" movement is nothing more than another [[Richard Dawkins]], atheist movement designed to devolve humanity back to monkeys in trees long before God saw something special in us and gifted us with the intellect that those belonging to these Anti-Trump parties are sorely lacking.

== Who Belongs To No Kings? ==

[[File:Odin Made Trump King 1.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Even the wise Odin agrees that Trump should rule all</center>]]

[[File:King trumps greet his subjects.jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Our Great God Emperor Greets his adoring public</center>]]

[[File:Black man protester.jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>When you see blacks at a protest, they're only there to start a riot</center>]]

You've already met them.

The followers of the '''#NoKings''' movement are what we like to call the [[Communist|Trustfund Socialist]]. If you're going to [[College]] and having to suffer through one of the mandatory [[Art]] classes you have to take because they're a part of your [[Money|core curriculum requirements]] because the [[Jews]] in charge have decided that the most efficiant way to [[Milk Bags|Milk]] you out of [[Money]] and ensure that you'll run up a $65,000 dept, not including interest, for a four year Bachelors Degree is to make you take classes and to buy books and supplies for classes that will have no bearing in your life because they've sold the [[America|American Lemmings]] on the idea that a well rounded education is necessary. Not to mention the illegal spics who refuse to even try to learn English at all are taking our jobs!

We were forced to take Art History for our Pre-Law, Pre-Med and Engineering majors. Tell us, how the fuck is knowing what period a religious painting is from will help us when we're transplanting a heart or prosecuting a [[Child Molester]]? In [[You|Your]] case, how will knowing if a painting of [[Christ]] comes from the Byzantine or Baroque period help you when the black boys in your [[Prison|Prison Pod]] are making you lick up all the [[Cum]] that they blew on to a piece of paper, just for you, because they want to see if you'll be fun to keep around.

The only necessary classes out of the core curriculum requirements are the [[English|Academic Writing]] classes because no one wants to be accused of being a [[Plagiarism|Nick Simmons]] because you didn't correctly credit an author.

Oh, and just because we like to see you [[Crybaby|cry]], '''''The Copyeditor's Handbook''''' that you have to buy for your Academic Writing Classes can cost anywhere from $95 - $150 and there's little chance that you can buy one used because [[English|College English Departments]] like to change which book they're going to use every year. What are we saying? That's pretty much how every College Department works.

To give you a hint on who to look for that goes to protests to scream ''''''America Doesn't Need A God Emperor"''''' just look for that stupid [[Bitch]] or [[Douche bag]] in one of your unnecessary art classes that smokes French [[Cigarette|Cigarettes]], wears Abercrombie & Fitch or Ralph Lauren brands, drives a Mercedes S Class or a 10 Cylander Pickup Truck, to measure their level of douchery look at the bed of their truck, if it is well waxed and doesn't have a scratch on it, they're obviously one.

During these mind numbing classes, they'll be the ones quoting from '''''Mao Tse Tung's Little Red Book''''' like a [[Scientology|$cientologist]] quoting from [[L. Ron Hubbard|Dianetics]] or preaching about how equality can only come about once there has been wealth redistribution, ignoring the fact that they have rich parents and that Mommy and [[Your Dad|Daddy]] are making all the payments on their [[Docs|Visa Platinum]] every month.

To be absolutely sure if someone is one of these fuckwits, go up and ask them for $20. If they tell you to, [[Fuck|"Fuck off!"]] "Get a Job," or "Maybe you should vote blue," you've found one because it's everyone else that should be generous and willing to give up their [[Money]] to help someone.

The adult form isn't all that much differant. Think Bono from [[Fat Larry's Band|U2]] or [[Roger Waters]] that preach about living wages, free medicine, and communist ideals but hang on to their wealth like a [[Kid|3-Year-Old]] cluthing their little blue blanket because there might be a monster under their bed.

The worst version of the '''"#NoKings"''' protestors is the [[School|Middle School]] or [[High School]] teacher that falsely inflates the numbers at protests by selling grades to whoever shows up.

Promising a half-grade bonus to your end of the semester, final grade, who the '''FUCK''' isn't going to show up?

You could be the most hardcore [[Trump]] supporter but if it means going from a B+ to an A, they're going to do it because a B+ is recorded as a B when it comes time for Report Cards.

== Our Great God Emperor Versus Nazis ==

[[File:Democrat with death's head tattoo .jpeg|right|250px]]

[[File:Tattoo-analysis-2.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:President go emperor trump.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Platner sexual assault.jpg|right|250px]]

Now, instead of the baseless calling of our Great God Emperor a [[Nazi]] it seems that the [[Democrat|Democratic Party]] would rather go all out and support confirmed ones.

Brain damaged and dusty [[Bernie Sanders]] has taken up the battle to support Graham Platner's bid as a US Senator for the [[Idiot|Imbecilic]] State of [[Maine]].

[[Asshole|Platner]] doesn't come without controversy. Choosing to ignore his [[Johnny Somali]] excuse of, "I Didn't know what it represented," Dumbocrats have bought into Platner's excuse that he got his [[Nazi|SS-Totenkopf]] (Death's Head) skull and crossbones tattoo on his chest during a [[Alcohol|drunken bender]], in [[Croatia]], in 2007 despite Croatia having put laws in place that make it [[Law|Illegal]] under their [[Racists|Anti-Hate Laws]] to do such things since 2006.

With such Anti-Hate laws in place, it's not like a Tattoo Parlor in Croatia is going to have a picture of a Totenkopf on the wall or in a book for a drunken embarrassment to the [[Marines|USMC]] to wander in and say, "I want that one."

Platner knew exacty what he was doing. Now thinking that he is clever, and showing the [[Retard|Retardation]] levels of the godless Democrats, Platner covered his [[Offend|"Offensive"]] tattoo with a Celtic Wolf that has 2 halves of a [[Swastika]] inside it. The wolf is a well known [[America|American]], far-Left (Yes - Nazis have more in common with the Left you [[Retard|R-Tard]], look it up) and neo-Nazi symbol that makes the claim that a [[Dog|Amerimutt]] has a "pure" [[Viking|Nordic]] or Germanic past despite their [[Trailer trash]] mud genes and their having to play [[Bastard|Wheel Of Daddy]] every Father's Day.

Now we ask you. Despite all the insults that have been thrown at our God Emperor, has he ever had a Nazi [[Tattoo]] and then tried to hide it by covering it up with another Nazi style tattoo?

While we're on the subject of our Untermensch, mutt gened, "Oyster" farmer from Maine Graham Platner, when our [[Trump|Great God Emperor]] was falsely accused of touching some [[Fat]], ugly [[Wimmins|Woman's]] pussy, the [[Leftard|Far-Left]] dressed up in [[Vagina]]s and paraded themselves up and down the streets throwing blame. When Platner says that [[Rape]] victioms are [[Asking for it]], it's just a normal day for the left because Platner should get a pass because he shed a tear and said that is was because he's an [[Marines|Ex-Marine]], was drunk, suffering from [[Crybaby|Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder]], wasn't really conscious of the gravity of his statement and meant it as an ironic [[Joke]] that was meant to be taken with a grain of salt.

In other words, the [[Drug|Ambian]] defense.

If you're a far-right comedian like [[Roseanne Barr]] that accepts our [[Trump|God Emperor Trump]] as America's only path to salvation and go on [[Twitter|X]] and say that a monkey looking politician looks like they crawled down from the trees [[Last Thursday]], you lose everything.

Be a Democrat and cry the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder anthym of '''''"I've seen things man,"''''' you'll get a free pass.

This just stands as more proof of how the [[God|godless]] Democrats are always ready to throw blame and want to see "[[Trump|Our Great God Emperor]] fall from grace.

== The Apostate Joe Walsh ==

[[File:Joe Walsh Trust.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Joe Walsh Supports Kamala..jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Joe Walsh thinks progress is getting an incompetant, black woman elected president</center>]]

[[File:Magic the gathering trump.jpg|right|250px]]

Like every Apple Pie, Baseball, freedom loving, [[Heterosexual]], peace loving person to be born on this great planet [[Earth]], [[Homo|Joe Walsh]] was born to the [[Religion|faith]] of accepting Donald Trump as our [[Trump|Great God Emperor]].

So what is wrong with Joe Walsh? Speculating, could he have had a night where he woke up with an empty bottle of Valium next to him, a busted condom between his [[Anal|Ass Cheeks]] and Bernie Leadon laying down beside him and this is why he says that The Donald sees himself as a merciless king with unlimited power?

It's more likely that [[Hipster|Trendy Fuckers]] that haven't heard the talents of [[Ozzy Osbourne|Randy Rhoads]], Yngwie Malmsteen, Jimmy Page or Steve Vai and having the ignorant [[Balls]] to call Walsh a Guitar God, when he is nothing more that a Guitar Martyr or a member of the Guitar Faithful, has gone to his head and the reason why Walsh thinks that he has the breeding to be allowed to speak against [[The Donald]]

Like so many [[Celebrity|Celebrities]], Joe Walsh thinks that being famous gives him an inherant understanding of [[Politics]] and the right to be allowed to speak his tiny, drug damaged mind.

In April 2016, Joe Walsh withdrew from a scheduled July 18, 2016 concert in Cleveland, [[Ohio]] that was to benefit veterans because his [[Conspiracy Theory|Tinfoil Hat Theory]] said that it was a launch for the Republican National Convention. How many fans did his crazy theory disapoint. How many veterans weren't able to get prosthetics or motorized wheel chairs because he wouldn't play?

Being seduced by the [[Star Wars|The Dark Side]], Joe Walsh has slandered our God Emperor by saying, '''''"The president is ruthless on Twitter. Everybody’s afraid to get Twittered, you know? Stocks go up and down, that’s why. Everybody’s scared.”''''' insinuating that [[America|America's]] savior has enough time on his hands to [[Lurk]] all day on social media and make attack posts against the unfaithful when our God Emperor has a country to save. Our [[President]] may have been born to this world as a God Emperor but he is still a man and is neither Omnipotent or Omnipresent. People like Walsh want to convinve the people that he has these powers to spread fear.

To display a further lack of faith, Joe Walsh has described the one true Political Party, The Republican Party as a threat to democracy and a cult of people unable to think for themselves and will say '''''Amen''''' to just about everything that they're told like they are in Southern Baptist [[Church]].

This is the same Republican Party that freed the [[Slave|Slaves]], created the interstate highways across the country, passed the 15th Ammendment that "prohibits states from denying due process or equal protection of the law", the 15th Ammendment that "prohibits federal and state governments from denying a citizen the right to vote based on race, color, or previous condition of servitude" and the 19th Ammendment that says that [[Wimmins]] have the right to vote so long as they can make tasty [[Sammich|Sammiches]] for their [[Man]].

What have the "[[Peace|Peace Loving]], flower-power democrats done? They defended the right of slavery, were in support of Jim Crow laws and the [[KKK]], gave us [[Vietnam]], Made the [[America|US]] the only country to have ever used [[Nuclear War|Atomics]] against an enemy, opposed Civil Rights and support [[Censorship]] in [[Music]] and Video Games.

That's a lot to be proud of.

If Joe Walsh is what the [[Democrat|Dumbocrats]] are calling a god and worthy of our prayers, then we would rather burn in the deepest pits of [[Hell]].

== The Joe Walsh Imitation ==

[[File:Fake Joe Walsh.jpeg|thumb|right|250px|<center>The artificial Jow Walsh</center>]]

[[File:God emperor trump in mighty armor.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Mighty Trump statue.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Soon this bust will be decorating the entrance of every school, inspiring all to greatness</center>]]

We could sum up this guy's political career in one sentence but where's the fun in that?

Was a Republican, became a [[Teabagging|Tea Party]] member, said [[Global Warming]] is a lie, betrayed the faithful by becoming a [[Democrat]] and now says that Global Warming is happening.

This Joe Walsh, born ''December 27, 1961'' and hoping to confuse the [[Rick The
voters|Voters]] by thinking that he could ride the name of the more famous [[Fat Larry's Band|Eagles]] version by getting the uninformed voters to think that it was the Famous '''Joe Walsh''' running for office.

Possibly forseeing him as the [[Sherrod DeHippo|Traitor]] that he would become, the Republicans wouldn't let him eat lunch at their table.

Hurt and getting [[Bullying|Bullied]] every day by the Republicans, the fake Walsh joined the [[Teabagging]] party, falsely called himself a conservative, demanded that [[Barack Hussein Obama]] quit buying $35,000 sound systems for his $500, 1990s Geo Metros and get serious about balancing the budget.

Losing faith in our [[Trump|Great God Emperor Trump]] and thinking that he was a better man than a [[God|Deity]] born in human flesh, the fake Joe Walsh decided that he'd run against our Great God Emperor in 2020 for the Republican Ticket.

Feeling [[Butthurt]] after he only received 1% of the vote at the '''''2020 [[Iowa]] Republican Rresidential Caucuses''''' the first thing that this fake Joe Walsh did was run to [[CNN]] and started to whine like a [[Nigger|Black Student]] that got a 550 on his SATs and cry that the system is rigged. Feeling like a [[Loli|13-year-old girl]] that broke up with her first [[Boyfriend]] and wanting the max air time that he could get on CNN, this artificial Jow Walsh quickly turned his back on the [[Republican]] party by saying that it is a cult populated by people that think that our [[Trump|Great God Emperor]] can do no wrong.

He can't. Trump is more than a man and something that this pseudo Joe Walsh will never understand.

Being the little [[Bitch]] that he is, this Non-Eagles Walsh ran to the Democratic party and rescinded everything he said as a conservative. Now lies like Global Warming are real, the [[White]] man is keeping the black man down and Billionares like [[Elon Musk]] are the modern day [[Communist|Robber Barons]] building fortunes off of the broken backs of the working man and should be made to redistribute their [[Money|wealth]].

To quote the [[Trump|Our One True God Emperor]] on this charlatan that turned his back on the faith that is the Republican Party, "[[Nothing of value was lost]]"

== So Who Are The People Behind '''#NoKings™'''? ==

[[File:God emperor trump action figure by jin saotome dchkw6d-375w-2x.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>We know what we're giving out as Christmas presents this year</center>]]

[[File:Trump leads the religion that is america.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Accept the faith that is America and you too will be saved</center>]]

They are a cabal of [[White]], Rich, arrogant, [[Hillary Clinton|Smug]] [[Liberal|Libs]] that secretly give each other cute titles like '''''Prince du sang''''' or a true descendant of the royal line while in public they want you you to believe that they only want titles like Governor, Senator or [[President]] for your sake.

Aiming for a white following and also knowing that it is hard to get those that identify as Democrats out of their [[Basement|Basements]] and into the [[Sun]] to protest, our arogant white agents of dissent aimed for the [[Internet Tough Guy|Keyboard Warriors]] that have no problem with dropping a hashtag like '''#NoKings™''' at the end or top of every post.

If they do get the [[College]] or [[High School]] students that are always ready to march because they keep a blank picket sign and some black paint always on them, this secret cabal of Libs want it to be as peaceful as possible. They don't want to look like the [[France|French]] that will place a doll representing a politician in a guillotine to cut off its head. They want well behaved children that will stand in the cold doing nothing while holding up a sign that has '''#NoKings™''' with bold, black, vinyl letters on it that was handed out to them, along with $50, when they got off the bus because this secret Lib cabal doesn't care about the message and only wants large groups for news photographers.

The majority of the '''#NoKings™''' protestors are poor white chumps that will never make it past minimum wage and the rich white women and men that can be seduced out of their [[Money]] by a good looking [[Puerto Rico|Ricano]] rolling their Rs because that is how [[White Devils|Whitey]] thinks they actually talk.

To put it in the least amount of words, '''#NoKings™''' is merely a club for friendless [[Incels]] to get together and gripe sbout how they can't [[Sex|Get Laid]] because there is some conspiracy against them that has made Flat-Chested, [[Japan|Japanese]] bitches to see 500 pound losers that shower in Axe Body Spray, wear [[Deadpool]] T-Shirts, and have no jobs unattractive.

[[Shit]], Everything on the above list can be forgiven if they had a J-O-B. If the job is good enough, that [[Vagina|Sideways Gash]] won't even mind living in his [[Your Mom|Mother's]] basement and having to dress up as a green and blue [[Furfag|Fox]] every other night because it's the only way to get him in the mood and she wants to secure her place by having a [[Baby]] so she can take half of his [[Shit]] 11 years later because [[Azn]] women might be [[Kawaii|Cute]] and non-threatening when you're dating but the second you say [[Marriage|"I Do"]] they become mini-tyrants. They take absolute control of the finances and want to be sure that they'll be getting well paid when they leave.

The people that are really behind '''#NoKings™''' support [[ICE]] and want the garbage taken out.

'''#NoKings™''' is merely a [[False flag]].

[[Yes]], you're being played.

While you're out there holding up a stupid sign, [[Amelia|Forced Remigragion]] continues. '''#NoKings™''' is nothing more than an [[MK ULTRA]] misdirection. Now that the [[Spics]] aren't voting for them, the Libs want them out. Like a simple reverse palming trick that a teenage shoplifter uses in [[Wal-Mart]], these rich libs like [[Chelsea Clinton]], that walked out of [[College]] and into a consulting [[Job]] paying $500,000 a year the second she was handed her diploma, want you to shake your fingers at our [[Hero|Heroic]] Republicans while they hide behind subterfuge and cheap tricks to make them look like their hands have no blood on them.

== Baby's First Protest ==
<center><gallery>
File:No Kings (logo, stacked).png
File:No kings logo Oct 18 2025.jpg
File:No kings signs - The Lyin' King.jpg
File:No kings the only orange man i support cheetos sign.jpg|Fat moment
File:Libs say no kings in crayon.jpeg
</gallery></center>

== Video ==

<center><youtube>https://youtu.be/V5WMQZQYBIQ</youtube></center>

==See Also==

[[File:Trump shown as angelic healer.jpg|right|250px]]

* [[CNN]]

* [[Cabal]]

* [[Democracy]]

* [[Donald Trump|God Emperor Trump]]

* [[Fake News]]

* [[Fox News]]

* [[He Will Not Divide Us]]

* [[Liberal|Libtard]]

* [[Politics]]

* [[President]]

* [[Amelia|Remigration]]

* [[Republican Party]]

==External Links==

* [https://www.fiftyfifty.one/ 50501 Page]

* [https://indivisible.org/ Indivisable: Organizers of No Kings Day]

* [https://patriotcommandcenter.org/forum/no-kings-day-failure-low-energy-geriatric-old-hippies-antifa-viol No Kings Failure]

* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Kings_protests No Kings Protests]

* [https://www.nokings.org No Kings website]

{{Sj}}
{{trolls}}
{{Politics}}
{{Trump}}
[[Category:2025]][[Category:IRL Shit]]

Fast Eddie

2026-05-07T22:37:08Z

Crow caw:

[[File:FastEddieLampshade.png|300px|thumb|right|right|[[No|Would you visit a website owned and administered by this man? Would you play a game developed by this man? Would you say "Hello" to this man, if you met him on the street? Would you let this man into YOUR home?]]]]
{{main|TV Tropes}}
'''Fast Eddie{{jew}}''' ([[Powerword]]: '''[https://productforums.google.com/forum/#!topic/adsense/I0s2Na684SE Gus Raley], also can be found editing on other wikis under IP address 68.190.131.24''') is [[TV Tropes]]' site founder, wiki dictator, and its most successful [[troll]] to date. He's marked by his inconsistent viewpoints, breaking of his own rules, his allegiance to [[money]] and [[advertising]] metrics over good style, and his total inability to work well with others. Rare that someone named "Eddie" is not a retarded [[spic]] committing cultural appropriation who [[illiterate|refuses to even try to learn English in Murica]].

If you feel like interacting with him outside of TV Tropes, he's got a Wikipedia account.

''Are you a current or former Troper that has more information on der Fuhrer? Then [[Special:Userlogin|pledge allegiance to the United States of Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and tell us [[moar]]!''

In the end, Gus's love of money prevailed over his love of power, and in late 2014 he pawned TV Tropes off on somebody named Drew Schoentrup.

{{Quote|Fast Eddie will shut that shit down|center=relative}}

== His crusade against [[Butthurt|negativity]] ==
[[File:Delete_button.jpg|thumb|Fast Eddie's favorite button]]
One of Fast Eddie's [[unrealistic expectations]] is his desire to counter-act the excessive negativity of the internet by enforcing an overly positive tone and style on the users. As a result, he is very quick to [[ban]] people for saying anything that could be considered a prejudiced statement and does not like such words as [[weeaboo]] because they are "derogatory specifically in a way that is against our cross-fandom." Despite his desire to make everything fluffy cakes and rainbows, the next biggest topic he brings up besides [[money]] is how much he hates the average user of the site and would enforce more draconian measures to weed out the bad apples if it weren't for advertising metrics.

{{Quote|Please don't try to take a position that the IJBM threads are some sort of deathless prose that will be missed.|center=relative}}

He also clears out and locks negative pages as he discovers them. Worst of all, he's extremely [[lazy]] about this and can't be arsed to rewrite anything, so pages he clears of examples will frequently still act as though they have them in the introduction. He also frequently breaks the formatting while deleting example sections on work pages. While he claims that he'll take requests to change locked articles, he typically just ignores everything unless it involves deleting even more swathes of text, which he is more than happy to do. Ironically, despite his willingness to mongle pages like [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EmoTeen Emo Teen] for being whiny slams against characters people don't like, he's more than happy to leave [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue the way worse Mary Sue pages] open despite them also being whiny slams against characters people don't like. Double standard much?

==His site management and coding fail ==
[[File:TVTropesFastEddieED.png|center]]
Fast Eddie is also very swift to silence any and all criticism of his actions or the wiki as a whole through judicious use of [[censorship]] and the [[banhammer]]. He deleted a checklist of tropes named after obscure characters, because instead of dealing with this abomination of fanwankery like a man, he pretends the problem doesn't exist. He also deletes threads about [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] on sight even if they hadn't devolved into whining over being linked to [[Offended]]... yet. This is shown to be a kneejerk reaction on his part because even when [[:File:TVTropesOneOffEDSock.png|a helpful poster suggested conflict resolution methods for ED]], he still purged the whole thread not even four hours later. Can't let the underlings think there's anything but unrelenting evil on this site, can he? He also frequently deletes discussion pages for controversial locked pages, although those usually get [[spam]]med to hell and back during the first week after he takes the ball and goes home, so little of value is usually lost.

[[File:EddieOnSecurity.png|thumb|right|200px|Eddie, not giving a fuck about security]]
Eddie doesn't give a fuck about website security, storing passwords as plain text. Yet he is paranoid enough to ban whole fucking countries of [[Singapore]], [[Pakistan]] and [[Puerto Rico]] since June 2011, because all those squint-eyed [[Azns]] and [[spics]] were apparently dirty spammers.

[[File:TVTropesFastEddieNoRespect.png|thumb|right|200px|Fast Eddie revealing he's not so different from ED after all]]
[[File:Fast eddie game.jpg|thumb|right|200px|A game he is developing.]]

Fast Eddie's extreme penny pinching is his biggest motivation for everything. While he can't be bothered to spend longer than five seconds censoring the latest negative article and [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=12921861770A31063600&page=0# calls on the rest of the site to fix his fuck-ups], the threat of losing [[Google]]'s mighty advertising sent him into a panic and motivated him to fix dozens of problems in only a few days. This same service is also why he'll block porn tropes as much as possible and demand quick renames of anything Google's server might interpret as smut. To see just how far he'll go to save precious moniez, take a look at this gem of a quote from [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/archived_discussion.php?s_t=Main.LOLIcon the Lolicon discussion page]:

{{Quote|Putting images on these items that the ad server already flags causes the article to be dead weight, revenue-wise. The article works fine without a picture.|Fast Eddie cannot spare even 16 kilobytes of bandwidth for a "dead weight" article. That's 0.000001352 cents per visit if using Layered Tech pricing or 221,893,491 page views before he'll be denied a Big Mac.|center=relative}}
[[File:FastEddieIgnoreED.png|thumb|Fast Eddie urging people not to feed the trolls.]]
[[File:EddieFUwhereyoulive.png|thumb|Fast Eddie: a man of 56, with the maturity and social tact of a boy of 8.]]


He also regularly deletes unused pictures from the server, purges old forum posts, and clears page histories older than a few months (which are already economized by only containing the changes as opposed to the full old versions like proper [[MediaWiki]]) just to save a couple precious megabytes of server space. Technically, this means any page with text [[cuntpaste]]d from [[Wikipedia]] or other [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Text_of_Creative_Commons_Attribution-ShareAlike_3.0_Unported_License Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike Licensed] sites is a violation of the terms of agreement once the part of the history crediting them gets cleared. He is, of course, confident nobody will ever bring up a [[LOLsuit]] over this and he's probably right. His site is also a total nightmare of Search Engine Optimization, leaving the deep-link unfriendly "/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/" URL structure in place because he has no faith in [[Google]], [[Bing]], or [[Yahoo]] bots to carry over [[Page Rank]] via 301 redirects and floods their results with useless pages because he can't be arsed to add a NoIndex tag to articles that haven't been written yet.

Fast Eddie's day job is as a computer programmer for a "major video game company" ([http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=12919188880A66117300&page=10#232 more specifically] as someone that "work[s] with [[:Wikipedia:Bayesian_network|DAGs]] for a living". Based on his [[IP address]] it is most likely either Human Head Studios or Raven Software. [http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3411591&pagenumber=151#post394390979 According to a TV Tropes moderator], he is "a contractor who works on NPC AI in games, generally as a team lead."), which explains why he [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/archived_discussion.php?s_t=Main.ZeroPunctuation does not liek game critics like Yahtzee]. In fact, his bitter hate for Yahtzee in particular is so strong, that he regularly breaks his own cardinal rule about no complaining, just because he can.

{{Quote|Cut yet another [[Video_Game_Reviewers#Ben_.22Yahtzee.22_Croshaw|Yahtzee]] quote. Let me put this as delicately as possible. The guy is a critic. He gets liquored up and cusses about stuff he doesn't like. Couldn't create anything cool himself, so he's going to inflict his mouth on everyone who can. ... Yahtzee, is that you, you bilious, bloviating bag of batshit? Would it kill you to give another site a reach-around link once in awhile? It turns out one or two members of your audience can actually read. It might give them something to do while you are out scoring meth. There. That should make him feel welcome.|Fast Eddie, [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChzoMythos failing] [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoGame/Poacher to] [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoGame/TwelveThirteen pay attention to] [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Mogworld his] [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/Jam own] [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BenCroshaw website.]|center=relative}}

So remember, kids, if you just happen to be a middle-high profile [[Video Game Reviewer]], make sure to give every game from Human Head Studios and Raven Software a negative review, because it ensures that [[Dear Leader]] goes through another [[ronery]] night where he cries himself to sleep.

== The Man Behind The Monument To [[Autism]] ==

As said above, Fast Eddie's [[powerword]] is "Gus Raley", a name he claimed for one of sockpuppets (the other being an azn named Janitor).

However, it gets far, far more pathetic from here if you follow the yellow brick trail of dox:

;Exhibit A: The Reveal Of Fast Eddie's Sockpuppet's

The [[Something Awful|Goons]] discovered a glitch in the highly customized PmWiki software Eddie created that let ordinary users gain mod powers in the event of log out, and they discovered a sockpuppet detection tool created by him that revealed IP addresses used by other users, and voila, Janitor, Gus, and Fast Eddie all used the same IP addresses. Neither Janitor nor Gus have been heard from for an eternity, and Gus is supposed to be dead, but further digging revealed neither existed but as sockpuppets for Eddie himself

More digging revealed a fellow named Gus Raley on Google Plus+ bears a striking resemblance to Fast Eddie, and by striking resemblance, we mean that is the same fucking guy.

Links
* [https://www.google.com/#q=%22fast+eddie%22+%22gus+raley%22 Search terms for Fast Eddie/Gus Raley On Google]
* [http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3569947&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=3 SA thread exposing Fast Eddie for who he really is]
* [http://www.projectafterforums.com/index.php?s=ff1230d66e6f2b4fdd26fa4800e115b9&showtopic=2323&st=1540 Project After Forums with the dirt on Eddie from Something Awful]
* [https://profiles.google.com/designsbygus/about Gus Raley's Google+ Profile]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Tropers/FastEddie Fast's Eddie's TV Tropes profile]

;Exhibit B:WHOIS Of TV Tropes

A WHOIS search for TV Tropes revealed that TV Tropes was established in Rice Lake, Wisconsin (and not the Bahamas, as it was widely believed Fast Eddie was located, though he alleges to have lived there at one point), and the company "designsbygus" (which Fast Eddie claimed was a trademark of a failed business by the late "Gus") is also associated with the domain, which can also apply to FE's IRL name, further proving Gus=Eddie.

Oddly, the name on the WHOIS is "Gu Straley", which is obviously faked, since we already know it's Gus Raley, so it's highly unlikely that the information on the WHOIS information is a typo.

Interestingly, falsified WHOIS information can be reported and investigated, so if anyone wanted to, they could submit a report for investigating the WHOIS for TV Tropes at:

* http://www.icann.org/en/resources/compliance/complaints/whois/inaccuracy-form

;Exhibit C: Wisconsin LLC Records

Since Wisconsin has a registration of all businesses, and since TV Tropes is an LLC (limited liability corporation), a simple check of the Wisconsin registration of "THE TV TROPES FOUNDATION LLC" corporate records reveals some more interesting info.

*Registered Agent Office

:GUY J STRALEY
:1898 12 1/2 AVENUE 7A
:CAMERON , WI 54822

Either a typo or, more likely, another false name, but we do know Fast Eddie once claimed Gus set up TV Tropes and he continued it after Gus died, but since Gus is his sockpuppet, that means the information further down the registration page of no other known officers/directors of the LLC is indeed accurate.

;Exhibit D: His real world address

Based on all the information so far, the most likely address of Gus Raley IRL is:

1898 12 1/2 Ave, Barron, Wisconsin 54812

According to Google maps, this is basically a trailer park on the outskirts of town.

===Conclusion===

Fast Eddie is really Gus Raley, a highly insecure, incredibly butthurt old man with a terrible talent for hiding himself, falsifying public records, coding and running a wiki, and lying in general, who also happens to live in a trailer park on the outskirts of a town in Wisconsin.

====Fast Eddie tries to deny the evidence====

Both before and after this article was created, Fast Eddie kept trying to vainly keep his [[Powerword]] ('''GUS RALEY!''') from being exposed, even going so far as to sockpuppet on other wikis in a vain attempt to keep his anonymity.

However, much like virginity (something Gus Raley has yet to lose), you can't get it back while it's gone, but that doesn't stop this pathetic old fuck from trying to deny reality.

Below is a sample of his attempts to paper over reality.

<gallery>
File:Fast Eddie's IP address.png|Fast Eddie's real IP address
File:Fast Eddie tries to deny the truth on Wikipedia.png|Fast Eddie trying to deny his real name of Wikipedia (IP address circled in red)
File:Fast Eddie tries to deny the truth on WikiIndex.png|Fast Eddie trying to deny his real name of WikiIndex (IP address circled in red)
File:Fast Eddie's IP location.png|Fast Eddie's IP location just so happens to be Rice Lake, Wisconsin, the exact same place where TV Tropes LLC was founded by Gus Raley. [[No|Coincidence?]]
</gallery>

== Dox (rescued from doxbin) ==

<code>
Website: tvtropes.org

Email: designsbygus@gmail.com

Aliases: Gus/Janitor/Fast Eddie (on TV Tropes). Speededdie (on Wikipedia)

IP address aliases: 68.190.131.24, 96.2.93.35 (both used for sockpuppeting on Wikipedia)

Home Address: 1898 12 1/2 Ave, Barron, Wisconsin 54812

Google Maps of his address: maps.google.com/maps?q=1898+12+1/2+Ave%2c+Barron%2c+Wisconsin+54812&hl=en&ll=45.397064%2c-91.748886&spn=0.04707%2c0.069265&t=h&geocode=FbGTtAIdtraH-g&hnear=1898+12+1/2+Ave%2c+Barron%2c+Wisconsin+54812&z=14&iwloc=A

WHOIS for TV Tropes: headwhois.com/tvtropes.org

Wisconsin Depart of Finanacial Institutions report on TV Tropes LLC: wdfi.org/apps/CorpSearch/Details.aspx?entityID=T053872&hash=824704337&searchFunctionID=07753d50-0813-486a-a474-7503de716f4b&type=Simple&q=TV+Tropes+Foundation

TV Tropes page: tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Tropers/FastEddie

Google+ account: profiles.google.com/designsbygus/about

Linked In account: linkedin.com/pub/gus-raley/2/64a/6a1
</code>

* [http://pastebin.com/kKey77tT Pastebin link here, dox left here as well in case he tries to get Pastebin to delete it out of butthurt]

==Gallery of Gus Raley's douchebaggery==
<center><gallery perrow="5">
File:Fast eddie 4.jpg|Fast Eddie, looking more like he belongs on a fishing boat than helming a website.
File:Fast Eddie being a negative asshole.png|[[Example.txt|Hypocrisy.png]]
File:Gus of designsbygus claimed to be someone other than Fast Eddie.png|Gus is claimed to be someone else other than Fast Eddie in this forum post.
File:God Emperor Eddie 1256.jpg|This was made as a joke by a troper, [[USI|but it shows exactly how Fast "Gus Raley" Eddie views himself.]]
File:Fast Eddie lying like a rug about his real world location.png|While we can't verify where he was born, he sure as hell doesn't tell people he lives in a trailer park in Wisconsin
File:Tropers being idiots they believe Eddie lives in the Bahamas.png|Tropers, being gullible, unquestioning sheep, they believe Gus Raley's claims without bothering to see if their Glorious Leader is liar.
File:Fast eddie 3.jpg|Gus Raley's Google Plus Profile Picture. Look familiar?
File:SomethingAwfulTraitor.png|Burn the Heretic.
</gallery></center>

== External links ==
* [https://productforums.google.com/forum/#!topic/adsense/I0s2Na684SE Gus Raley on the Google Adsense forum, panicking over his missing jewgolds.]
* https://plus.google.com/110951276824708740368/posts
* http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Tropers/FastEddie
* [https://maps.google.com/maps?q=1898+12+1/2+Ave%2c+Barron%2c+Wisconsin+54812&hl=en&ll=45.397064%2c-91.748886&spn=0.04707%2c0.069265&t=h&geocode=FbGTtAIdtraH-g&hnear=1898+12+1/2+Ave%2c+Barron%2c+Wisconsin+54812&z=14&iwloc=A Google Maps on Gus Raley's IRL address]
* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Speededdie
** [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User_talk:68.190.131.24 The IP address Fast "Gus Raley" Eddie uses to sockpuppet on other wikis.]
** [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User_talk:96.2.93.35 Another sockpuppet IP]
* [https://www.wdfi.org/apps/CorpSearch/Details.aspx?entityID=T053872&hash=824704337&searchFunctionID=07753d50-0813-486a-a474-7503de716f4b&type=Simple&q=TV+Tropes+Foundation Wisconsin Department of Financial Institutions TVT LLC information]
* [http://headwhois.com/tvtropes.org WHOIS information for TV Tropes.org]

{{TV Tropes}}
{{Serious}}
{{Web 2.0}}
{{jews}}
[[Category:TV Tropes]]
{{Timeline|Featured article November 26 & 27, [[2013]]|[[War Thunder]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Mikevirus]]}}
<div style="position:fixed;right:0;top:5px;">[[File:Fast eddie av.gif|image]]</div>

Johnny Rebel

2026-05-07T22:34:53Z

Crow caw: /* Fanbase */

{{Offended}}
[[File:johnnyrebelface.png|300px|thumb|right]]
'''Johnny Rebel''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Clifford Joseph Trahan''') would become, along with other important musical figures like [[Moon Man]] and [[Lil B]], one of the greatest musicians of all time. His ballads of the South have become a smash hit in the dark corners of the internet following his return to the musical scene, spurred on by [[NYC]] elites still bitter about the [[Israhell]]ian inside job that was [[9/11]]. His [[redneck|rockabilly]] repertoire covers a wide variety of topics, ranging from coons, niggers, jigaboos, and anything you might expect in between. He rose from the grave in 2021 and voted for [[Hitler|Jeff Landry]] to gas all the niggers to death in the [[Louisiana]] state prison.

Rebel won the [[Nobel Prize for Racism]] in 1975, "Primarily in appreciation of his fruitful and outstanding musical compositions that frequently voice sympathy for Jim Crow-era segregation and the [[Ku Klux Klan]], with special mention of "Alabama Nigger", "In Coon Town", "Who Likes a Nigger?", "Quit Your Bitchin' Nigger", "Cowboys and Niggers", "Federal Aid", "Nigger Hatin' Me", "Some Niggers Never Die (They Just Smell That Way)", "Send 'Em All Back to Africa", "Looking for a Handout" and "Move Them Niggers North."

==Influence==
Johnny's influence can be seen not only all through out music, but in media as well. Usually made by a seething member of the race Rebel hates the most.

It is assumed that Johnny Rebel was the inspiration for [[Dave Chappelle]]'s famous black white supremacist skit, since Trahan has never been photographed or made a public appearance. While there are several supposed pictures of him floating around the tubes, Rebel vehemently denies the intended depiction.

[[The Boondocks]] parodies him in an episode, naming him [[Clever|Jimmy Rebel]]. Basically, Uncle Ruckus spends half the episode making his own lulzy racist tunes, gets noticed and teams up with Jimmy. Shit happens, but they end up pairing up again and making more tunes than even [[Moon Man]].

==Fanbase==

Predictably, Trahan's most ardent fans fall into one of two categories: [[racists|enthusiastic and overjoyed white folks]], obese but strangely sexy [[white trash]] bitches, [[cops|pigs with badges]] such as the evil [[Grady Judd]], and [[liberals|offended antique farm equipment]].

===Greatest Hits===
<center>{{Frame|{{fv|jrebelvids|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>xd1gIcSdieM</youtube>
|<youtube>D4ENuIYt7V0</youtube>
|<youtube>R9yg0d2Gsx8</youtube>
|<youtube>Xo0SnxNJITg</youtube>
}}|border=white|background=white}}</center>

Because of Rebel's unabashed hatred for niggers there's bound to be loving fanboys and hating faggots pissing on his grave.

==Wall Of Shame==
{{cg|Rebel|Rebel|center|<gallery>
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_1.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_2.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Back_To_Africa.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Bible.png
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Obama.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_RACE_WAR.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Wat.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Whites_Only.png
</gallery>
}}

==External Links==
*[https://mega.nz/folder/ETYzBQYT#ZBnBSn-TV0K6mZ8FbfrdsQ]

==See Also==
*[[Moonman]]
*[[Rucka Rucka Ali]]
*[[KKK]]
*[[Racism]]
*[[Howard Stern]] - Interviewed Rebel. Listen to it {{Ytlink|3nDJejIYzoA|here}}.
*[[Confederate]]
*[[IRL Troll]]

{{portals|music|trolls}}
{{YoutubeSeries}}

[[Category: YouTube]]
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolls]]

Johnny Rebel

2026-05-03T15:11:43Z

Crow caw:

{{Offended}}
[[File:johnnyrebelface.png|300px|thumb|right]]
'''Johnny Rebel''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Clifford Joseph Trahan''') would become, along with other important musical figures like [[Moon Man]] and [[Lil B]], one of the greatest musicians of all time. His ballads of the South have become a smash hit in the dark corners of the internet following his return to the musical scene, spurred on by [[NYC]] elites still bitter about the [[Israhell]]ian inside job that was [[9/11]]. His [[redneck|rockabilly]] repertoire covers a wide variety of topics, ranging from coons, niggers, jigaboos, and anything you might expect in between. He rose from the grave in 2021 and voted for [[Hitler|Jeff Landry]] to gas all the niggers to death in the [[Louisiana]] state prison.

Rebel won the [[Nobel Prize for Racism]] in 1975, "Primarily in appreciation of his fruitful and outstanding musical compositions that frequently voice sympathy for Jim Crow-era segregation and the [[Ku Klux Klan]], with special mention of "Alabama Nigger", "In Coon Town", "Who Likes a Nigger?", "Quit Your Bitchin' Nigger", "Cowboys and Niggers", "Federal Aid", "Nigger Hatin' Me", "Some Niggers Never Die (They Just Smell That Way)", "Send 'Em All Back to Africa", "Looking for a Handout" and "Move Them Niggers North."

==Influence==
Johnny's influence can be seen not only all through out music, but in media as well. Usually made by a seething member of the race Rebel hates the most.

It is assumed that Johnny Rebel was the inspiration for [[Dave Chappelle]]'s famous black white supremacist skit, since Trahan has never been photographed or made a public appearance. While there are several supposed pictures of him floating around the tubes, Rebel vehemently denies the intended depiction.

[[The Boondocks]] parodies him in an episode, naming him [[Clever|Jimmy Rebel]]. Basically, Uncle Ruckus spends half the episode making his own lulzy racist tunes, gets noticed and teams up with Jimmy. Shit happens, but they end up pairing up again and making more tunes than even [[Moon Man]].

<center>https://mega.nz/folder/ETYzBQYT#ZBnBSn-TV0K6mZ8FbfrdsQ</center>

==Fanbase==

Predictably, Trahan's most ardent fans fall into one of two categories: [[racists|enthusiastic and overjoyed white folks]], obese but strangely sexy [[white trash]] bitches, and [[liberals|offended antique farm equipment]].

Unfortunately, [[JewTube]] removed most of his songs and hid others behind endless [[The Young Turks]] and [[Secular Talk]] propaganda videos.

===Greatest Hits===
<center>{{Frame|{{fv|jrebelvids|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>xd1gIcSdieM</youtube>
|<youtube>D4ENuIYt7V0</youtube>
|<youtube>R9yg0d2Gsx8</youtube>
|<youtube>Xo0SnxNJITg</youtube>
}}|border=white|background=white}}</center>

Because of Rebel's unabashed hatred for niggers there's bound to be loving fanboys and hating faggots pissing on his grave.

==Wall Of Shame==
{{cg|Rebel|Rebel|center|<gallery>
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_1.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_2.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Back_To_Africa.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Bible.png
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Obama.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_RACE_WAR.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Wat.png
File:Johnny_Rebel_YouTube_Comments_Whites_Only.png
</gallery>
}}

==See Also==
*[[Moonman]]
*[[Rucka Rucka Ali]]
*[[KKK]]
*[[Racism]]
*[[Howard Stern]] - Interviewed Rebel.
*[[Confederate]]
*[[IRL Troll]]

{{portals|music|trolls}}
{{YoutubeSeries}}

[[Category: YouTube]]
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolls]]

NotJustBikes

2026-04-30T17:37:58Z

Crow caw: fuck njb

{{Racecleanup}}
{{lolcow}}
{{morphquote|quotes|background:white;width:100%;height:100%;|font-weight:bold
|If you are one of those whiners, upset by my angry tone, good news! Thousands of hours, of content, are uploaded, to YouTube, every single minute. So, GO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE, AND FUCK OFF!|NJB's '' "The Dumbest Excuse for Bad Cities"''
|Keep your stupid fucking Americunt trucks OUT of my perfect utopia known as Europe!|NJB's latest propaganda screed
|People should give up, on North America, though. This is not doomerism, it's reality. If you have hope, for North America, you've come to the wrong channel. My content is, only, intended for people with the money, and means, to, permanently, relocate, from the US or Canada to somewhere in Europe. This is why I block my critics, rather than engage. My loyal fans will, gladly, defend me, against criticism, too.|NJB's [[Bluesky]] post directed at his critics in September 2023
|So? Nobody gives a fuck, if the US has some bike tunnels. The US is complete shit. All bike infrastructure, in the US, is a fucking joke. Minneapolis bike tunnels, can go fuck themselves, and you. You fucking Merikkkahn piece of shit. As an American, who lives in Europe, all of Europe is, literally, perfect. We have real bike tunnels, and, no mass shootings. If you still live in the US, fucking kill yourself, too.|Typical comment from an NJB fanboy directed at someone who disagrees with their master}}
{{Infobox person
|image = Idiot grifter scumbag.jpg
|powerword = Jason Slaughter
|occupation = [[YouTube]] ranter, writer, scam artist, male prostitute, propagandist
|gender = self-described "Cisgendered Male"
|years active = 2017-present
|nationality = [[Canadian]] cosplaying as a [[Dutchland|Dutchie]]
|website = [https://www.notjustbikes.com official propaganda site] [https://www.youtube.com/user/NotJustBikes JewTube channel]}}
'''NotJustBikes''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Jason Slaughter''') is an 80-year-old [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] billionaire [[Elon Musk|grifter]] with severe anger issues who became a refugee in [[Pervert|Amsterdam]] because he is a [[USI|selfish entitled scumbag]] and hates [[Toronto|the fake London]] with a burning passion. He is the ultimate cynical [[doomer]] and will quickly block you if you disagree with his hatred for North American public transport. As expected, NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. NJB fans are about as obnoxious and immature as [[MrEnter]] fans and the insane bootlickers of the equally deranged tyrant named [[Mike Chitwood]].

==History==
NotJustBikes was born in the fake London to a rich family. He inherited billions and used the money to travel around the world on sex tourism trips. He married a 30-year-old stripper at age 70. In 2017, NJB started making anti-Murican propaganda videos.

==Criminal record==
In March 2018, NJB became inspired by [[Dr. Phil|Mike Chitwood]] (who looks like an even more retarded version of Dr. Phil) to shoot up Toronto city hall. However, because [[Trudeau]] hates gunz and freedumb, NJB was forced to settle for angrily cursing out the councillors and then going on a stabbing rampage. Before security could remove him from the building, NJB had already bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. He became stateless in 2019 and then fraudulently obtained Dutch citizenship in 2023. The [[Geert Wilders]] regime hates the woke faggot Truedolt and therefore refuses to extradite NJB to Canaduh. Not even the Donald Trump regime with its love of mass incarceration wants to extradite and imprison NJB in an [[hell|Americunt federal prison]].

==Personality==
NJB has severe anger issues. Criticism or disagreement with him or his fanbase is not allowed. NJB and his fanboys falsely assume all of North America is a lost cause and will forever be one giant carbon copy of Houston. Their ignorant generalising of entire continents places polar opposite cities such as Phoenix and NYC in the same categories. In true [[internet tough guy]] fashion, NJB will pull a bait and switch whenever his lies are refuted. He even hates his own fans and will only respond to his fellow rich people who pay premium on [[Patreon]] to message him. NJB is a frequent user of [[Bluesky]]. NJB is a [[socialist]] despite being one of the wealthiest people alive. He is extremely selfish and uncharitable.

Unfortunately, since NJB is a grifter and master manipulator, he successfully lied and cheated his way to 15 million YouTube subscribers and millions of views on each of his propaganda videos. He acts like he's the pimp of the urban planning community and decides who deserves to be forgiven for their past misdeeds. Because [[JewTube]] and its stupid "algorithm" bullshit since 2019 has been rigged and biased in favour of whatever clickbait is designed to provoke outrage and fear, NJB has become the most popular and famous urban planning internet personality. Due to his love of censorship, NJB has never received any penalties for his lies and violations of the "misinformation" rule. Not even his video mindlessly bashing [[Houston]] and generalising all of North America as a carbon copy of Houston was flagged and taken down like it deserves. Meanwhile, the still-negative but lightyears better video by [[Philadelphia|Alan Fisher]] criticising [[Denver]] was taken down after being reported by NJB fanboy and angry Denver suburbanite Jason Spelts. NJB even blocked and sent death threats to fellow pro-censorship leftist [[Albuquerque|CityNerd]] because CityNerd hates Dallas with a burning passion but likes Houston for some obscure reason.

==Bigotry==
NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. He is also a ravaging anti-Semite who hates [[Jooz]]. He permanently cut off all contact with his lesbian daughter because she re-settled in [[NYC|New Amsterdam]] (instead of the old Amsterdam) and married a Jewish [[Ausfag]] girl. NJB started a whole subreddit named r/fuckcars which has an admirable goal of criticising [[cancer|car culture]], but in practice is just an endless circle [[Randal O'Toole|jerk off in a jitney]] of repeating the same old liberal propaganda about North America being supposedly doomed.

NJB is close allies with neo-nazi supporter [[Hungary|Adam Something]] (aka Azov Nothing), a fake Marxist with similar extreme anger issues, hatred of MuRiCa, a sexual fetish for "[[gypsy|Roma People]]", and censoring of any disagreement. As expected, both NJB and Azov Nothing are [[Vaush]] fanboys and accepted as members of the [[BreadTube]] cult. Other BreadTube commies who have promoted NJB propaganda videos include [[Hbomberguy]], [[BLM|Legal Eagle]], and [[Philosophy Tube]].

Other YouTube channels that have completely sold out (such as [[AVGN]]) are NJB fanboys.

NJB hates poor people. Are you really surprised?

==Things he's stolen from other activists==
*The Breezewood meme, which first went viral in 2008, long before NJB infected the internet.
*The term "stroad" from StrongTowns, which started in 1985.
*Generalising and stereotyping.
*Fear of crime from every news media source
*Censorship
*Jerking off in a jitney, fugly appearance and anger issues from [[Randal O'Toole]]
*STDs
*Virginity of blonde chicks from [[Faux News]]
*Cynical doomerism
*Looking retarded from every [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]
*E-begging
*Idolising [[Europe]] from [[ATTN:]]
*Vicious hatred for anything Murican from [[Reddit]]
*Obsession with transgenderism
*Obsession with [[negroes]] (though he hates them) from [[MSNBC]]
*The term "painted bike gutter" from Oh the Urbanity!
*Recognising that the fire department are just cops in different coloured trucks from [[GTA 5]]
*"[[In Minecraft]]" from [[South Park]]

==How to piss off NotJustBikes and his equally obnoxious fanbase==
*Remind them New York City exists and has good transit.
*Suggest [[truth|North America is not hopeless, and in fact is changing for the better]].
*Tell them to tone down the anger.
*Say Houston (though that city sucks too) is the best city ever.
*Call him a [[nazi|nationalist]].
*Tell any success story from North America or mention anything good happening there.
*Be even remotely positive or optimistic.
*Share links to videos by CityNerd or Alan Fisher.
*Suggest that the Netherlands is not a perfect country.
*Ask him, like, why, he uses, like, so many, unnecessary, commas, and, why, he, like, says, like, too, like, fucking, like, much, too.
*Tell him to act his age (83) instead of like a bratty teen girl.
*Be [[Jewish]] or [[Indian]].
*Be less wealthy than him.
*Remind him that [[fact|97% of people will never ever have the money or opportunity to move across an ocean and it's much much harder to make such a move than he suggests it is]].
*Ask him or his fanboys if they care at all about future generations.
*Tell him he displays the same characteristics as the [[MAGA]]ites he hates: older than 60, uneducated, white, lives in a bubble, paranoid, easily angered, insists on [[Burger King|having everything his way]] even when he knows he's objectively wrong, [[USI|thinks he's always right about everything]].
*Politely ask him not to interrupt you while you're trying to speak.
*Ask him how he became a refugee in a foreign country so easily and quickly.
*Ask him if his new passport is fake.
*Ask him how much he paid in bribes to become a Dutch citizen in less than 2 years.
*Tell him it's ignorant to generalise and stereotype.
*Use public transit in North America.
*Send him photos of missing middle housing in North America. Bonus points if the neighbourhood pictured is walkable.
*Tell the truth that cynical doomers are just as harmful to urbanist causes as car-addicted suburbanites have been.
*Compare him to [[Randal O'Toole]]
*Tell him that avoiding debates and blocking instead of engaging with critics makes you a coward.
*Tell him money can't buy happiness and there's more to life than money. Better yet, say that he wouldn't be angry 24/7 if money could buy happiness.
*Suggest that he see a therapist.
*Suggest that the real problem at hand is that NJB and his fanboys are brainwashed by sensationalist news media and live isolated in a bubble, and if they left their basements regularly they would see that North American is more than just a carbon copy of Houston.
*Ask him how he became a billionaire (hint: it wasn't through "hard work").
*Live anywhere west of the prime meridian.
*Remind him that Amsterdam was car-dependent at one point. Be advised, NJB and his fanboy army will certainly respond with the butthurt "but the US is worse!" argument.
*Ask him to cite sources.
*Show him any video by Oh the Urbanity!
*Show him this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqNiPVO5mAE
*Tell him his channel logo is lazily designed.
*Suggest that the solution to building passenger rail in North America is bipartisan support, not the "us vs. them" mentality.
*Call his gay lover Adam Something a nazi.
*Ask him how much he pays in taxes.
*Speak the truth that you are a coward if you decide to run away across an ocean instead of staying and fighting. Even better, state that people who want change have the obligation to stay and fight, and that running away makes the fight harder for everyone who doesn't have the option to leave.
*Ask where he got his plastic surgery.
*Tell him RMTransit makes better videos.
*Ask him where he convinced RMTransit to get weight loss surgery.
*Ask him why he brainwashed RMTransit into hating American light rail.
*Tell him to stop trying to corrupt RMTransit.
*Tell him he has privilege.
*Point out that for a non-American who hates MuRiCa with a burning passion, NJB sure exemplifies the American cultural values of anger, aggression, the "fuck you, got mine" mentality, and love of [[tranny|gender confusion]].
*Point out that selfsihly putting his own personal desires first at the expense of everyone else in North America by running away across an ocean like a coward was an act of rugged individualism.
*Call him a racist.
*Call him a [[hypocrite]].
*Ask him if he smokes weed.
*Ask him if he plays [[Minecraft]].
*Ask him how many women he's had sex with.
*Tell him he sounds similar to [[Tucker Carlson]].
*Invite him to a debate.
*Remind him that even the similarly nasty and arrogant [[Randal O'Toole]] is not afraid to debate his enemies.
*Say [[Elon Musk]] (though he's also an idiot and a grifter) is the best innovator.
*Ask him what type of home he lives in (hint: it's a single-family detached McMansion).
*Ask him how he got from Toronto to Amsterdam (hint: he flew in a private jet).
*Disagree with him or his fanboys.
*Tag him on social media.
*Ask him if he's really actually too busy to take messages or just hates peasants.
*Ask him what he's done to help the oppressed [[negroes]], [[gays]], [[trannies]], "mass shooting" victims and abortion seekers he pretends to care about when discussing how terrible the USA is.
*Ask him why he talks so damn slow.
*Ask him if there's anything he likes about North America.
*Report his stupid propaganda videos for misinformation.
*Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
*Call him smug, arrogant or narcissistic.
*Show him photos of urban freeways in Amsterdam (they exist).
*Tell him [[Vancouver]] has the best local police department of any city in the world.
*Point out the truth that even if every North American city were to become like Amsterdam overnight, NJB and his equally obnoxious fanbase would still hate North America and continue to find things to rage about.
*Call him selfish, impatient or entitled.
*Say capitalism is better than socialism.
*Ask him if he voted for Geert Wilders.
*Imitate the calls of Canada geese.
*Fact check any of his lies.
*Speak the truth that large, low-density suburbs, cities and countries such as the USA and Canada are still capable of supporting public transit, bike lanes, walkable areas, and passenger rail.
*Remind him that the "jaywalking" is legal even in parts of the USA (such as NYC), while some non-American cities have laws against it too (such as Singapore).
*Ask him if he's ever donated to charitable causes.
*Ask him if he's had a heart attack or stroke yet.
*Use the abbreviation NJB and the fanboys will call you a nazi just because of one obscure gay nazi who murdered a Jewish talk show host and raped his corpse. Apparently, disagreeing with NJB makes you the new Hitler. Ironic considering NJB is a ravaging anti-Semite.
*Introduce them to people who live in small US college towns full time (there are millions).
*Remind them that countries outside North America have a housing crisis too.
*Ask him if a terminally angry CCP supporter from SoCal named ScramJett watches his videos.
*Ask him if a terminally angry Reddit addict from Germany named Systematicvisionary watches his videos.
*Show him photos of small US college towns that have cycling infrastructure and modeshare levels on par with Amsterdam, such as Greenville, SC (though Bob Jones University also sucks) and Davis, CA.
*Tell him to do better research for his propaganda videos.
*Ask him what real Dutch people think of his videos (spoiler alert: they hate him and want to deport his ass to Canada).
*Ask him if he got any STDs from decades of wild sex parties before he married a 30-year-old stripper.
*Tell him [[Tokyo]] has better public transport than Amsterdam.
*Tell him [[Belgium]] is a superior country to the Netherlands.
*Bring up the subject of income inequality.
*Create alt accounts to bypass the cowardly blocks he imposes to censor his critics.
*Ask him what he has done to help improve North American cities.
*Tell him he looks like the [[Hobo with a Shotgun]]
*Show them this article

== See Also ==

* [http://www.youtube.com/@NotJustBikes the propaganda source itself]
* [[Vaush]]
* [[Destiny]]
* [[Bluesky]]
* [[TheMysteriousMrEnter]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]

[[Category:People]]
{{Canada}}
{{sj}}
{{YouTube Ranters}}
{{ytseries}}
{{enemy}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 24th & 25th, [[2014]]|[[MrEnter]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[James Foley]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article May 15 and 16, [[2024]]|[[VidLii]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Battle For Dream Island]]}}
[[Category:People|Slaughter, Jason]]
[[Category:Crackers]]

Bill Nye

2026-04-30T16:11:44Z

Crow caw: /* DID YOU KNOW THAT.... */

{{corner|[[File:Billnyeexhausted.png|150px|WTF?]]}}

{{spoilers|BILL NYE'S SEX JUNK ENDED UP ALMOST BEING THE MOST DISLIKED VID IN JEWTUBE HISTORY BEFORE IT GOT BELETED BY THE NYE DEFENSE FORCE}}
{{rainbowsmall|BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL}}
[[File:Bill Nye the SJW Guy.jpg|thumb|280px|Bill Nye the Social Justice Guy]]

'''William Sanford Nye'''{{jew}}, more commonly known as '''Bill Nye the Ultra-Authoritarian Science-Denial Guy''' (born [[At least 100 years ago|November 27, 1955]]), is a professional [[Fugly|Abe Lincoln]] look-alike who [[GHB|somehow]] managed to [[Virginity|get lucky]] and land his very own [[education]]al show on [[PBS]] in the mid-1990s – which is from where [[Millenials|you]] probably remember him. However, despite playing a "''[[Tryhard|scientist]]''" on television for half a decade, Bill Nye only has a BS in mechanical engineering. To be considered a scientist, you must have a PhD and it must be in physical sciences (social science doesn't count for shit). Bill Nye has neither a science degree nor a PhD, making him a fraud and a liar. Bill Nye is still a [[Retard|complete fucking idiot]] and has only just recently been resurrected by the evil-doers at [[Netflix]] after spending [[Fallout: Shadow of Boston|twenty years in cryostasis]] next to [[Walt Disney]]'s frozen head and [[Shit nobody cares about|The Backstreet Boys]].

Following his [[Jesus|second coming]], Bill Nye decided that he would attempt to [[Paradox|save the world from]] our lord and savior [[The Donald|Donald Trump]] by constantly [[Al Gore|whining about]] [[global warming]], denying the scientific [[fact]] that [[Tumblr|chromosomes determine sex]] and actually suggesting that the [[Jewnited States of Americunts|United States]] adopt [[Korea|China's]] one-child policy in an attempt to curb [[Braaaap|carbon emissions]].

==The Fall of Bill Nye: From children's entertainer to Monsanto whore==
[[File:Bill Nye Then And Now.jpg|thumb|250px|right|[[Fake and Gay|FAKE AND GAY]] (but the bottom one is sadly real...)]]
[[File:Bill nye loves him some muslim boypussy.jpg|thumb|left|250px|'''''#NotAllMuslims'''! "Especially if they're cute little brown boys!"'' - Bill Nye]]
[[File:BillNyeStalinEdit.jpg|thumb|left|250px]]
Originally [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGlDVmBLibg a simple comedian] who rose to the position of ''science icon'' for children during the 90s by sheer luck, it looked like his career as a children's entertainer would be short but well-remembered. While no serious person could claim Bill Nye was ever ''good'', he was known for his goofy, silly style and fashion sense that easily made him likable to young children. Someone that the kids would look at in delight, while older more knowledgeable people would tut-tut, shaking their head knowing better. Knowing that he is an entertainer, a performer, that coming on with this mickey-mouse voice and style is not how a real scientist - or any stable adult - views the world and acts.

Shortly after returning from his long period of obscurity since fading from major public eye in the 90s, Bill Nye apparently began to fall victim to some kind of mental illness, assuming of course he wasn't always insane to begin with and just kept it decently hidden. He began with debating some amateur hour theologist-wannabe as a quick way into instant popularity with Reddit and as expected, the popularity quickly inflated his already inflated ego, with him using his newfound status of recognition as a way to preach his own political bullshit by raving wildly about how much he hates white people, heterosexual people and all the ideas, beliefs and masculinity culture associated with them, and how science tells us that even the most ludicrous new age theories are right if they hold some sort of political value to the current gen of retards and the mass media.

Even since the moment of his return, it was clear that he had began treating science as a form of dogma rather than a tool for knowledge, with him often ready to verbally cast down anyone who remotely deviated from his own views or disagreed with him, to the point where he began demanding that dissenters should be locked up for their ''heresies'' and that all dissenting views would lead to the [[batshit crazy|end of the world]], much like a [[Moonie]] preacher on TV yelling about the end times. Giving sermons on national TV about the evils of whites, theists (except Muslims), males and especially heterosexuality and that literally all problems are the cause of the ''devils'' known as global warming and straight [[CIS]] males, and that radical Muslims and ISIS are only terrorists because global warming made them do it. Now a celebrity going on a SJW bender as a power trip, this guy has lost his shit completely. He literally called his documentary "''[[Unwarranted Self-Importance|Bill Nye Saves the World]]''."

But by far the worst thing is that Bill Nye is now jettisoning what little scientific integrity he had left (not that he was ever much of a real scientist to begin with), embracing corporate pseudoscience in the name of Monsanto. Bill now actively encourages genetically modified foods, at least some of which are known to cause a tiny increase in cancer, but much worse is that they are cross-pollinating with natural foods and ruining them for corporate gain. [[GAME OVER YEAHHHH|Once genes go out in the wild, there is no putting them back in the bottle.]] It is completely different to any other technology that has ever existed because of the immensity of power.

Bill Nye is now the media equivalent of a five-dollar whore. "What do you want me to do this time?" he asks them before every session, hoping for a few more bucks. As one should expect, since he is and always has been a ''performer'' and ''celebrity'', and nothing more.

==DID YOU KNOW THAT....==
* BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL
* Bill Nye is a Jew.
* [[Gay|Wears a bow-tie.]]
* Had kids on his show to make science appear [[hip|'''cool, rad and far out!''']] And because he [[Pedophile|loves kids]].
* He really [[Pedophile|loves kids]] and went around in a white box van asking kids if they wanted to appear on his show for candy.
* Thinks [[unfunny|puns]] are funny.
* Is [[Lemonparty|{{age|1955|11|27}}]].
* Having only a BSc degree in mechanical engineering, Bill Nye is not a real scientist, just like anyone with a degree in any given social "science" field
* Is a recurring guest star on ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]'' because "lol science."
* Had a deep-voiced man hold cameras and do unfunny commentary for Science Television.
* Did we say he [[Pedophile|loves kids]]? As a Jew he has taken his child stars to ice-cream parties so long as they pay.
* The deep-voiced announcer on his old show was also the announcer on ''[[Super Smash Bros|Super Smash Bros. Brawl]]''.
* Bill Nye had a TV show called The Eyes of Nye without the deep-voiced ''Smash Bros.'' guy doing commentary and it sucked because of that.
* Bill Nye thinks [[cultural appropriation]] is wrong.
* Had a mediocre debate with [[nobody|creationist Ken Ham]] where Nye "won," despite that Ham ended up walking away with a shit ton of cash thanks to all the tickets he sold, but it's okay cuz every redditfag got to circlejerk over the empty victory! Way to go [[atheism]]!
* He later re-visited Ken Ham at his Noah's Ark theme park for his new Netflix show (because no one else from the largest religion in the world had time for Nye apparently) to poke fun at him once more, much to the joy of neckbeards on YouTube. However, once again all this did was serve as free publicity for Ham who got a shit ton of money from this (again) and more regular visitors. Way to go [[tips Fedora|gentlemen]]!
* Is secretly dating [[Nigger|Neil deGrasse Tyson]] (his dumber black clone) and [[erotic|they even celebrated Thanksgiving together in private]].
* [[Pedophile|Loves kids]] so much he doesn't have azny of his own but he will volunteer to watch yours.
* Made a fucking awful new show written by feminist astronomy blogger [[loser|Phil Plait]] that's neither fun nor educational, and is basically just a soapbox for bad [[tumblr]]-tier ideas.
* Pretended that he was the first person ever to prove that Texas is full of stupid rednecks.
* [[Hippie|Gave a lecture about keeping our environment clean and related get-fabulously-rich schemes at RIT]].
* Guest starred in an episode of [[Doctor Who|Stargate Atlantis]] that no one remembers.
* Supposedly fucked a woman way, WAY out of his league - Soledad O'Brien - while co-hosting a TV science show with her.
* Nobody liked science until it started kissing up to their political beliefs.
* Bill Nye was the leader of the ever-so cringy March for Science which was basically SJWs and feminists shouting and carrying signs that had quotes from their favorite movies and cartoons, like ''[[Harry Potter]], [[The Big Bang Theory]] and [[Rick and Morty|Reddit and Memey]]''.
* [[Forced meme|Repeating a word fifty times]] is [[unfunny|funny]].
* Nobody wants to fucking see Bill Nye after 6th grade.
*[[Pedophile|Loves kids]] so much he was fired as a teacher.
* [[Jews did WTC|Bill Nye did WTC]]
* The moon reflects the light of the sun, which means [[Christianity|the Bible is true]]. [http://bsalert.com/artsearch.php?fn=2&as=1990&dt=1 Proof here. (Warning: Flooded by basement dwellers.)]
* BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL
* Bill Nye is WAY too proud of his only two contributions to science - the Mars Rover sundial and the 747 "tube."
* Bill Nye, Neil deGrasse Tyson and [[Barack Obama]] used to hang out together to watch child porn, something they hope will one day be legalized by their Catholic and Socialist buddy [[Stephen Colbert]], who hopes to become America's first pedophile President.
* He once [[trolled]] [[astrology]] fans on his old show [[shit nobody cares about|The Eye of Nye]] by pointing out that the constellations have moved from their original dates, and thus people are not the zodiac signs they thought they were, which caused a lot of butthurt and humorous reactions from astrofags and it's what landed him this article back in the early days of ED, but that was a long time ago when the lulz were still fresh and not so dank...
* BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL
* [[Pedophile|Loves kids]]
* Is over-circumcised.
* Would have cured [[Swine Flu|pig AIDS]] if you fuckers hadn't [[fail|canceled]] his show.
* After his show was canceled, he tried to stay relevant in a number of ways that did not last long, until the nostalgia craze hit the Internet in the 2010s, where he tried copying [[TheAmazingAtheist]] and getting overly political to attract the Reddit crowd obsessed with the generations bullshit. When the [[2016 Presidential Election|2016 presidential election]] rolled around, he decided to become even more of a [[libtard]] to ensure that even the mainstream media would kiss his ass to ensure his place among their ranks.
* [[retard|Some middle school teachers]] still show his show in their classes, because as we all know it will [[autism|make kids little science geniuses]].
* He did this fucking annoying thing where he'd repeat an important scientific word nine times with different close-ups of his face each time. This along with the constant repeating of his name in the intro is an obvious hypnotism method to [[pedophilia|garner more sexual attraction from every child in grade school]].
* He has demanded that questioning global warming should be a crime and anyone who questions him on the matter should be [[Inquisition|arrested and tortured]] for their [[heresy]].
* Not even half as cool as Mr. Wizard on Nickelodeon
* He believes that global warming did [[9/11]] and [[ISIS]], and that it is mostly responsible for all [[terrorism]].
* He is worshipped by the "[[stupid|90s nostalgia]]" idiots who are 40+ years old and have the mindset of bratty teenagers and think everything was perfect before MUH NINE-ELEVUHNZ!!!1! as if Amerikkkunt imperialism is a new phenomenon.
* Completely plagiarized a faggot named Paul Zaloom's act.
* [[Pedophile|Did we say he loves kids?]]
* We aren't even being sarcastic, exaggerating or joking with some of these, which is pretty disturbing by itself.
* BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL

{{quote|You can make a very reasonable argument that climate change is not that indirectly related to terrorism. This is just the start of things. The more we let [[White Man|[climate change]]] go on, the more trouble there's going to be.|Global warming did 9/11 and [[ISIS]] according to Nye and [http://www.huffingtonpost.com.mx/entry/bill-nye-climate-change-paris-terrorism_us_565ccdebe4b079b2818b810b ''The Huffington Post'']}}
{{clear}}

==NOW YOU KNOW....==

[[File:Bill Nye the Cucked Guy.jpg|The truth comes out|center|700px|]]
 

== ''Bill Nye Saves the World'' ==
[[File:Bill Nye Saves the World Ep 1.png|center|700px|''[[Into the Trash It Goes|Bill Nye Saves the World]]]]''
 
[[File:Most rapidly disliked video in youtube history.jpg|thumb|Bill Nye's Sex Junk is rapidly becoming the most disliked video in the history of YouTube.]]
In 2017, some faggots on [[Netflix]] thought it would be a good idea to give this long-forgotten host of a [[1990s|90s]] kids program a new TV show because Reddit won't shut up about him. This resulted in the birth of ''[[wtf|Bill Nye Saves the World]]'', a program geared towards kids and general audiences which is basically just more nostalgia bait for 90s [[retrofags]] who want a newer and edgier version of Nye's old show in a vain attempt to relive their lost childhood. The show is an agonizingly long period of Bill acting as stiff as a board while regurgitating anything Phil Plait and his feminist posse have told him to say and explaining how ''[[Harry Potter]]'', ''[[Star Wars]]'' and ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' [[bullshit|are real]] [https://www.facebook.com/BillNyeSavestheWorld/videos/the-multiverse/566880587027177/]. So basically, Nye is whoring himself out because he has nothing of real value to say. The show is basically if Reddit and Tumblr had produced their own show, filled with plenty of awful humor and the kind of propaganda you would expect to see on liberal college campuses. The show gained much infamy after the song "My Sex Junk" by [[slut|Rachel Bloom]] played on the show, which was basically her preaching about [[Bullshit|gender identity]] ([http://thefederalist.com/2017/04/28/bill-nye-in-1996-said-chromosomes-make-you-boy-or-girl/ nevermind the fact that this contradicts what Bill had on his ''last'' show]) and fucking as many holes as possible. Surprisingly, the song was so awful and cringeworthy with its blatant propaganda that even most of Reddit hated it and is rapidly becoming one of the most disliked videos in YouTube history, even giving the [[Fembusters]] a run for their money. [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6021260/reviews?ref_=tt_urv No one's actually made it past the first episode,] so we really can't say anything else.

===Videos===
{{center|
{{fv|The Triggering|background-color:#COCOCO;text-align:center;|font-weight:bold;
|<youtube>AVDBD_HXtMs</youtube>Bill Nye's Sex Junk
|<youtube>46h-LfNWPn8</youtube>Vanilla Ice Cream (straight male stand-in) gets raped by gay ice cream for not being gay
|<youtube>lx_VoH0C8G4</youtube>[[AIDS Skrillex and Carl the Cuck|YOU'RE A FUCKING WHITE MALE!]]
|<youtube>Rayxew89NyE</youtube>''"Babies are perfectly capable of deciding their gender... as well as their consent."'
|<youtube>TKZ-P97PgxA</youtube>'''(((GENDERS)))'''
|<youtube>TKjKZ5RzT9s</youtube> 
|<youtube>ohFOHvcTC6I</youtube> 
|<youtube>M5z9s_bimnw</youtube>A reminder that he's not a real scientist and just does and says whatever he can to be popular
|<youtube>hGlDVmBLibg</youtube>He's just a performer people. How could you not see this coming?
}}
}}

==Gallery==
{{Collapsegallery|Gallery|cg1|center|<gallery>
File:Billnye911.png|[[JEWS DID WTC|GLOBAL WARMING DID WTC]]
File:Billnye.JPG|"That's wrong, you fucking retard!" (used regularly on image boards by people who can't come up with good counterarguments.)
File:Bill Nye Expert.jpg|When you want to look like an expert.
File:Science.jpg|Bill Nye the Anime Guy for when you're trying to look smart on [[a/|/a/]]
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Billnyebitchesdontknow.jpg|Bitches don't know.
File:The Pedo Trio.jpg|Bill, Obama and Neil enjoy a nice [[Babyfuck|babyfuck]].
File:Gay niggas.png|Nigga you gay
File:Bill Nye the Blacked Guy.png|Holy crap, these oldfags are actually fucking each other.
File:Bill-nye-the-science-heretic-nye-says-that-those-who-dont-ag-politics-1461210070.jpg|''"According to Science, It says you're a heretic."''
File:In this moment I am euphoric - Nye.png|Absolutely Euphoric
File:Ivan Drago the Real Science Guy.jpg|Even Ivan Drago is more of a real Science Guy than Bill.
File:Two-of-these-people-are-actual-scientists-so-called-actual-19741817.png|tfw even an actor and a musician are more qualified to be called scientists than Bill Nye.
File:Nye vs Nigger Rapper.png|Even nigger rappers are more qualified.
File:Bill Nyenstein the Jewish Guy.jpg|Bill Nye the (((Science))) Guy
File:Bill Nye the Dance Party Guy.jpg|Bill Nye the Funky Guy
File:Bill nye plz clap.jpg|[[Jeb Bush|Please clap...]]
File:Billy the Pooh.jpg|Billy the Pooh
File:Bill nye the transcientist.png|'''Gender:''' Scientist '''Pronouns:''' Guy, Guy and Guy
File:Science is Dead.jpg|''Science is Dead'' and queers have killed it (Nikola Tesla hopes you all rot in hell for this, just so you know.)
You'd be downvoted to Hell by [[Kiwifarms|Nye fanboys]] if you ever dared to speak ill of Bill Nye the Messiah Guy prior to his "Sex Junk" incident even if you had proof that he was a lying faggot.
</gallery>|border=black|color=white}}

==See also==
[[Image:Bill.gif|right|"Holy fuck!"]]

*[[Albert Einstein]]
*[[Bill Clinton]]
*[[Bill Cosby]]
*[[Billy Mays]]
*[[Carl Sagan]]
*[[Black people|Cedric The Entertainer]]
*[[Fred Phelps]]
*[[Personal Pronouns|Personal pronouns]]
*[[Scientology]]
*[[WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?]]
 
{{tv}}
{{sj}}
{{Science}}

{{timeline|Featured article April 30 & May 1, [[2017]]|[[Joss Whedon]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Bill Cosby]]}}

[[Category:People|Nye, Bill]]

Andy Schlafly

2026-04-30T15:53:26Z

Crow caw: /* Related articles */

[[Image:Schlafly 09.jpg|thumb|Andy Schlafly, aka ''The Assfly'', controls [[CP]] from home.]]

{{Quote|I do teaching writing|Schlafly, the educator|color=blue|size=320%}}

[[Paranoid]], [[Asking for it|sexless]] and [[failed]] engineer / politician / lawyer / [[Homeschooling|teacher]] / human being '''Andy Schlafly''' is the creator and absolute monarch of [[Conservapedia]], which is like Wikipedia only more charming since everyone wears their bias on their sleeve. Like every good [[Republican]], Schlafly uses defamation as a weapon of choice against his sworn enemies: [[liberal]]s, intellectuals and experts.

At Conservapedia, Schlafly vomits all his opinions and insights, offering his version of a perfect world. Obviously, this includes denigrating [[Black Jesus]], opposition to [[Health Care Rage|Health Care reform]], [[racism|bigotry]], intolerance towards minorities, promotion of [[creationism]], [[censorship]] of liberals, [[homeschooling]], [[Republican Party|hypocrisy towards homosexualism]], [[moar]] [[gun]]s (and a ban on video games), a gay crush on [[Vladimir Putin]], [[anti-lulz]] and other [[conservative]] characteristics and traits.

In 2007, Schlafly shared the [[Nobel Prize for Racism]] with [[Metapedia]] founder Anders Lagerström.

== Andy B.C.(Before Conservapedia) ==
[[File:Cathy kosarek and andy schlafly.jpg|thumb|Cathy Kosarek looks at her husband with utmost disdain]]

===Family===

Andrew "Andy" Schlafly is the scion of Phyllis Schlafly and St. James the Less. He has five siblings: Roger (a godless mathematician), Liza, Ann, Bruce and John, who is a [[faggot]].

Andy's mom is best known as one of the high priestess of the American [[fundamentalist]] [[conservative]] movement. Prior to that, she had joined the [[Republican]] party and ran, [[lol|unsuccessfully]], for a Congressional seat in Illinois in 1952. In 1970 she made a second try at running for a Congressional seat, but [[Luser|lost once again]]. She is a bitter opponent of [[feminism|women's liberation]], despite having benefited from the freedom to obtain law degrees and run for public office. Since she realized that she wouldn't be special anymore if other women started gaining power, this [[Bitch|lovely lady]] is generally given credit for the ERA's eventual failure.
[[Image:Old_People_-_Naked_Old_Lady.jpg|thumb|100 px|Old Phyllis in 2008, still horny]]

Although she was often accused of spreading false and misleading information about what the ERA would entail (just like her son Andy does about everything else), her arguments apparently were effective in persuading many women to vote against it. Later, she founded the [[cult|Eagle Forum]], an organization for [[In the kitchen|conservative women]].

Andy united in marriage in [[1984]] with Cathy Kosarek, but no one cared.

=== SPAWN ===

[[Thinking with portals|Somehow or other]], Andy managed to spawn a second, smaller entity, colloquially known as Andy Junior. Of course he was immediately promoted to sysop on [[Conservapedia]] [http://www.conservapedia.com/User_talk:CollegeRepublican], being obviously more deserving than the handful of contributors that have actually devoted hours of effort to the site (on weekends they also like to repair the railings on sinking ships). Andy Jr. is [[ghey]] for [[Huckabee|Fuckabee]] and thinks [[Chuck Norris]] is not [[OLD MEME]] [http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=521477], proving him as much a moron as his parent, although similar pedophilic tendencies have yet to be seen.

Andy's daughter Phy Schlafly is also a CP sysop. Talk about nepotism.

==Persona==

{{Quote|andy schlafly is an idiot|Google|color=green|size=320%}}

=== Andy: opposite of success ===
Andy has one of the awesomest records of failing in both [[RL]] and [[OL]]. He first became an engineer, but failed miserably at that. Then he studied law, but failed again. He has since become a [[pedophile|"teacher" of homeschooled kids]] when he wasn't able to get a decent job. He believes that giving his "students" A's just for agreeing with him makes them better educated than kids who go to real schools.

In between, Andy sought the [[Republican]] Party nomination for the House of Representatives in the 1992 elections. He amounted [http://www.ourcampaigns.com/RaceDetail.html?RaceID=361897 only 11%] of the votes and just like his mom, he lost the election. [[Epic fail|It's in the blood.]]

To consummate a completely failed life, Andy has become a resentful man who simply can't stand the fact that a [[Obama|nigga]] was the [[God|commander-in-chief]] of the [[United States]] military. As a conservapedian, he's spending the last years of his life convincing himself that his laughable project exerts some influence on the public. We can only think of the poor idiot discovering new "insights", writing crappy essays and rewriting the [[Bible]], as he drinks a mug of cocoa that leaves a brown mustache over his upper lip.

===Beliefs===
[[File:ASchlafly 1.jpg|right|300px]]
Schlafly is an advocate of Young Earth [[Creationism]], a funny but ultimately demented doctrine claiming that the universe was created out of thin air over 6 days by an invisible space wizard 6000 years ago and that the first two humans where made out of dust and a [[LOLWUT|rib]].

He's also a [[racist]], although he tries to look the opposite in public, specially at his [[Conservapedia|blog]]. On the contrary, his contempt for gheys and his anti-liberal views are his standards.

[[Whatever]] his beliefs, Schlafly is determined to pervert and atrophy the minds of young people who enter his realms of [[basement-dweller|obscurity]], willful ignorance, and proud [[American]] [[stupidity]].

Andy Shitfly believes the myth that [[video games]] are the cause of every [[hoax|"mass shooting"]] and [[Jack Thompson|therefore "violent video games" must be banned]].

Shitfly thinks [[California]], the pinnacle of American [[capitalism]] is somehow [[WTF|a communist state]].

He wants to arrest people and fuck up their lives with criminal records for saying a dirty word. Ooops, i meant to say mess up their lives! I take back the F word! Please don't call the [[gestapo|Florida sheriffs]] to arrest me!

=== That fucking voice of his ===

Andy Schlafly has a fucking weird voice. This explains why he keeps most of his ideological confrontations to the net, since when you sound like a diarrhea-gargling muppet having its throat stood on, you automatically lose any argument. [http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=P5RNAYlAxmo Behold.]

{{Quote|Who?|Richard Dawkins, when told about Schlafly's smear tactics against him|color=red|size=320%}}

=== Typical Schlafly Argument ===

— '''Andy:''' Bongabill, you're clueless. The 18-45 population of Hollywood certainly can be compared with the 18-45 general population as to incidence of disease. '''I doubt you've taken half the statistics courses that I have.''' You have typical liberal style in trying to intimidate. --Aschlafly 14:35, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''User:''' '''Mr. Schalfly, actually, I am a professional statistician with both graduate and post-graduate degrees in the subject,''' and also a 34 year professional career as a statistician working for the official statistics bureau of a major nation. [...] I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing correct here with any of your reasoning, which not only fails Statistics 101, but fails it in the first semester. This article is specious nonsense. --Bongabill 14:59, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''Andy:''' '''Bongabill, we don't fall for the unproven claims of credentials here.''' Wikipedia might be a better home for you. Your claim is absurd that no conclusions can be drawn from comparing disease incidence among Hollywood types to the general population. Tell me, did you work for the tobacco industry also in denying that cigarettes cause cancer? --Aschlafly 15:13, 4 May 2008 (EDT)
([http://conservapedia.com/Talk:Mystery:Young_Hollywood_Breast_Cancer_Victims sauce])

== The Creation ==
[[Image:Godhands.jpg|thumb|left|''"And from the heavens came Conservapedia..."'']]

By 2006, the idea of a "family-friendly" encyclopedia that could dethrone Wikipedia finally materialized, and thus Conservapedia became a kind of anti-liberal [[cloaca]] where Schlafly and his dogs constantly throw in their biased [[shit|feces]]. Conservapedia has been trying to increase its amount of entries by plagiarizing loads of articles from almost every online encyclopedia available, only adapting the content for their depraved purposes.

However, at first Schlafly wholly misunderstood how the [[Internets]] [[Internet Law|function]], making legal threats to every vandal and even reporting one of them to the [[FBI]]. He was ignored, of course, but he didn't learn his lesson: later, he [[Idiot|baselessly]] accused [[RationalWiki]] of copyright infringement, just to be [[pwnt]] once again.

This time, he ''did'' learn his lesson, and after suffering those wounds on his ego, Schlafly and his acolytes are only dedicated to [[attack]] every single thing they regard as "liberal" or "deceitful". The result is that Conservapedia has become a [[blog]], and most people that create accounts there are (1) parodists, (2) arguing with sysops to amuse themselves, or (3) preparing a major attack. Evidence of this is the almost lack of edits in their Recent Changes page. Just compare ED's Recent Changes and CP's. However, they're tireless proclaiming [[O RLY|"This site is growing rapidly!"]]. You should know, Schlafly, that '''every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.'''

After many months of most (all?) new accounts being vandals, parodists and people laughing out loud, on 1 November 2010 Conservapedia switched from open account creation to registration via e-mail requests for accounts.

Recently, they are back to letting you register after a captcha screen, since the email route denied Andy his admitted pleasure in [[Banhammer|banning]] [[Pretty cool guy|liberals and other vandals]].

[[Image:Human feces.jpg|thumb|120px|[[Typical]] Conservapedia entry.]]

== The Colbert Report ==

Andy was recently on the Colbert Report, where frothy diarrhea continued to surge out of his mouth and on to the set of [[communist]] [[faggot]], [[Stephen Colbert]]. The flow intensified as Andy cocked his head back and laughed, issuing forth the sound of one-thousand industrial strength black person dicks slapping against the foreheads of as many white college [[girls]]. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxQp0oa0G98 What a weird laugh.]

==Pact with Satan==

Shitfly claimed that Biden winning the 2020 US presidential election opened a "satanic portal" above the white house. Some liberals hold that this theory was the result of when a very embittered Schlafly made a pact with [[Satan]] in 2008, following Obama's win. This is a transcription of the diabolical document, allegedly found at his home in New Jersey:

''We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Astaroth and Beck ([[Glenn Beck Raped And Murdered A Young Girl In 1990|who raped and murdered a girl in 1990]]), together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Andrew Layton Schlafly, who is ours. And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of [[virgin]]s, the respect of experts, honors, lusts and powers. He will go whoring [[Party hard|three days long]]; the carousal will be dear to him. He offers us once in the year a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the [[church]] and he will ask us many questions; with this pact he will live twenty years [[High|happy]] on the earth of men, and will later join us to sin against [[God]]. Bound in hell, in the council of demons.''

''Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, Astaroth, Leviathan, Beck''

''The seals placed the Devil, the master, and the demons, princes of the lord.''

''Baalberith, writer.''

== Fun Facts ==
[[Image:AndrewSchlafly conservapedia.jpg|thumb|Andrew <s>Schlafly</s> Chafely (not John Schlafly)]]
*Has a horseshoe testicle (two testicles fused into one).
*Shitfly is a staunch supporter of the barbaric death penalty and other "tough on crime" human rights violations.
*Shitfly is a radical [[retard|populist]] who supports tariffs and worships the [[Trump]]/[[Musk]] regime as if they're gods.
*Favorite film is ''Yentl''.
*His older brother John Schlafly is a homo [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1282/is_n20_v44/ai_12925575]. Andy himself pretends to hide the fact on Crapedia.[http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=John_Schlafly&action=history]
*Expelled from the "Society of the Divine Word" for [[Masturbation|unknown]] reasons.
*A fan of Cher and Starship.
*Andy believes [[God]] to have promised that he can break open one of the Seven Seals come [[Catnarok|Judgment Day]]. The details are yet to be firmed up with the Lamb, but Andy has his fingers crossed for the sixth and fondly imagines himself tearing it wide open with a fearsome cry of "'''Godspeed!'''" He has been known to spill his [[semen|seed]] during these daydreams, but God assured him that it's OK if he's only fantasizing about smiting, and hasn't touched his pee-pee in a [[masturbation|bad way]].
*Andy thinks that it's okay to ignore portions of the Bible if they're too liberal, because clearly they aren't the authentic literal word of God, but rather additions from human editors. [http://www.conservapedia.com/Essay:Adulteress_Story]

== Related articles ==
*[[Pedophilia]]
*[[Ann Coulter]]
*[[Batshit crazy]]
*[[White people]]
*[[Ed Poor]], partner in [[fail]]
*[[MAGA]]
*[[Failfags]]
*[[Glenn Beck]]
*[[RationalWiki]]
*[[Joe Lieberman]], fellow lover of censorship worshipped by Andy
*[[Florida]], the sacred cow for every MAGAite
*[[California]], where most MAGAites have never visited
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[Passport]], something Andy does not have
*[[Hungary]], the model for Trump's America

== External Links ==
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Schlafly Most comprehensive article on Andy]
*[http://www.phyllisschlafly.com/ visit to old Phyllis]
*[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/258144/december-08-2009/andy-schlafly Schlafly appears on Colbert Nation]
*[http://pview.findlaw.com/view/3919823_1 His publicly available fax and phone number for his law practice]

{{Christianity}}

[[Category:People|Schlafly, Andy]]

Andy Schlafly

2026-04-30T15:49:43Z

Crow caw: /* Beliefs */

[[Image:Schlafly 09.jpg|thumb|Andy Schlafly, aka ''The Assfly'', controls [[CP]] from home.]]

{{Quote|I do teaching writing|Schlafly, the educator|color=blue|size=320%}}

[[Paranoid]], [[Asking for it|sexless]] and [[failed]] engineer / politician / lawyer / [[Homeschooling|teacher]] / human being '''Andy Schlafly''' is the creator and absolute monarch of [[Conservapedia]], which is like Wikipedia only more charming since everyone wears their bias on their sleeve. Like every good [[Republican]], Schlafly uses defamation as a weapon of choice against his sworn enemies: [[liberal]]s, intellectuals and experts.

At Conservapedia, Schlafly vomits all his opinions and insights, offering his version of a perfect world. Obviously, this includes denigrating [[Black Jesus]], opposition to [[Health Care Rage|Health Care reform]], [[racism|bigotry]], intolerance towards minorities, promotion of [[creationism]], [[censorship]] of liberals, [[homeschooling]], [[Republican Party|hypocrisy towards homosexualism]], [[moar]] [[gun]]s (and a ban on video games), a gay crush on [[Vladimir Putin]], [[anti-lulz]] and other [[conservative]] characteristics and traits.

In 2007, Schlafly shared the [[Nobel Prize for Racism]] with [[Metapedia]] founder Anders Lagerström.

== Andy B.C.(Before Conservapedia) ==
[[File:Cathy kosarek and andy schlafly.jpg|thumb|Cathy Kosarek looks at her husband with utmost disdain]]

===Family===

Andrew "Andy" Schlafly is the scion of Phyllis Schlafly and St. James the Less. He has five siblings: Roger (a godless mathematician), Liza, Ann, Bruce and John, who is a [[faggot]].

Andy's mom is best known as one of the high priestess of the American [[fundamentalist]] [[conservative]] movement. Prior to that, she had joined the [[Republican]] party and ran, [[lol|unsuccessfully]], for a Congressional seat in Illinois in 1952. In 1970 she made a second try at running for a Congressional seat, but [[Luser|lost once again]]. She is a bitter opponent of [[feminism|women's liberation]], despite having benefited from the freedom to obtain law degrees and run for public office. Since she realized that she wouldn't be special anymore if other women started gaining power, this [[Bitch|lovely lady]] is generally given credit for the ERA's eventual failure.
[[Image:Old_People_-_Naked_Old_Lady.jpg|thumb|100 px|Old Phyllis in 2008, still horny]]

Although she was often accused of spreading false and misleading information about what the ERA would entail (just like her son Andy does about everything else), her arguments apparently were effective in persuading many women to vote against it. Later, she founded the [[cult|Eagle Forum]], an organization for [[In the kitchen|conservative women]].

Andy united in marriage in [[1984]] with Cathy Kosarek, but no one cared.

=== SPAWN ===

[[Thinking with portals|Somehow or other]], Andy managed to spawn a second, smaller entity, colloquially known as Andy Junior. Of course he was immediately promoted to sysop on [[Conservapedia]] [http://www.conservapedia.com/User_talk:CollegeRepublican], being obviously more deserving than the handful of contributors that have actually devoted hours of effort to the site (on weekends they also like to repair the railings on sinking ships). Andy Jr. is [[ghey]] for [[Huckabee|Fuckabee]] and thinks [[Chuck Norris]] is not [[OLD MEME]] [http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=521477], proving him as much a moron as his parent, although similar pedophilic tendencies have yet to be seen.

Andy's daughter Phy Schlafly is also a CP sysop. Talk about nepotism.

==Persona==

{{Quote|andy schlafly is an idiot|Google|color=green|size=320%}}

=== Andy: opposite of success ===
Andy has one of the awesomest records of failing in both [[RL]] and [[OL]]. He first became an engineer, but failed miserably at that. Then he studied law, but failed again. He has since become a [[pedophile|"teacher" of homeschooled kids]] when he wasn't able to get a decent job. He believes that giving his "students" A's just for agreeing with him makes them better educated than kids who go to real schools.

In between, Andy sought the [[Republican]] Party nomination for the House of Representatives in the 1992 elections. He amounted [http://www.ourcampaigns.com/RaceDetail.html?RaceID=361897 only 11%] of the votes and just like his mom, he lost the election. [[Epic fail|It's in the blood.]]

To consummate a completely failed life, Andy has become a resentful man who simply can't stand the fact that a [[Obama|nigga]] was the [[God|commander-in-chief]] of the [[United States]] military. As a conservapedian, he's spending the last years of his life convincing himself that his laughable project exerts some influence on the public. We can only think of the poor idiot discovering new "insights", writing crappy essays and rewriting the [[Bible]], as he drinks a mug of cocoa that leaves a brown mustache over his upper lip.

===Beliefs===
[[File:ASchlafly 1.jpg|right|300px]]
Schlafly is an advocate of Young Earth [[Creationism]], a funny but ultimately demented doctrine claiming that the universe was created out of thin air over 6 days by an invisible space wizard 6000 years ago and that the first two humans where made out of dust and a [[LOLWUT|rib]].

He's also a [[racist]], although he tries to look the opposite in public, specially at his [[Conservapedia|blog]]. On the contrary, his contempt for gheys and his anti-liberal views are his standards.

[[Whatever]] his beliefs, Schlafly is determined to pervert and atrophy the minds of young people who enter his realms of [[basement-dweller|obscurity]], willful ignorance, and proud [[American]] [[stupidity]].

Andy Shitfly believes the myth that [[video games]] are the cause of every [[hoax|"mass shooting"]] and [[Jack Thompson|therefore "violent video games" must be banned]].

Shitfly thinks [[California]], the pinnacle of American [[capitalism]] is somehow [[WTF|a communist state]].

He wants to arrest people and fuck up their lives with criminal records for saying a dirty word. Ooops, i meant to say mess up their lives! I take back the F word! Please don't call the [[gestapo|Florida sheriffs]] to arrest me!

=== That fucking voice of his ===

Andy Schlafly has a fucking weird voice. This explains why he keeps most of his ideological confrontations to the net, since when you sound like a diarrhea-gargling muppet having its throat stood on, you automatically lose any argument. [http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=P5RNAYlAxmo Behold.]

{{Quote|Who?|Richard Dawkins, when told about Schlafly's smear tactics against him|color=red|size=320%}}

=== Typical Schlafly Argument ===

— '''Andy:''' Bongabill, you're clueless. The 18-45 population of Hollywood certainly can be compared with the 18-45 general population as to incidence of disease. '''I doubt you've taken half the statistics courses that I have.''' You have typical liberal style in trying to intimidate. --Aschlafly 14:35, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''User:''' '''Mr. Schalfly, actually, I am a professional statistician with both graduate and post-graduate degrees in the subject,''' and also a 34 year professional career as a statistician working for the official statistics bureau of a major nation. [...] I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing correct here with any of your reasoning, which not only fails Statistics 101, but fails it in the first semester. This article is specious nonsense. --Bongabill 14:59, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''Andy:''' '''Bongabill, we don't fall for the unproven claims of credentials here.''' Wikipedia might be a better home for you. Your claim is absurd that no conclusions can be drawn from comparing disease incidence among Hollywood types to the general population. Tell me, did you work for the tobacco industry also in denying that cigarettes cause cancer? --Aschlafly 15:13, 4 May 2008 (EDT)
([http://conservapedia.com/Talk:Mystery:Young_Hollywood_Breast_Cancer_Victims sauce])

== The Creation ==
[[Image:Godhands.jpg|thumb|left|''"And from the heavens came Conservapedia..."'']]

By 2006, the idea of a "family-friendly" encyclopedia that could dethrone Wikipedia finally materialized, and thus Conservapedia became a kind of anti-liberal [[cloaca]] where Schlafly and his dogs constantly throw in their biased [[shit|feces]]. Conservapedia has been trying to increase its amount of entries by plagiarizing loads of articles from almost every online encyclopedia available, only adapting the content for their depraved purposes.

However, at first Schlafly wholly misunderstood how the [[Internets]] [[Internet Law|function]], making legal threats to every vandal and even reporting one of them to the [[FBI]]. He was ignored, of course, but he didn't learn his lesson: later, he [[Idiot|baselessly]] accused [[RationalWiki]] of copyright infringement, just to be [[pwnt]] once again.

This time, he ''did'' learn his lesson, and after suffering those wounds on his ego, Schlafly and his acolytes are only dedicated to [[attack]] every single thing they regard as "liberal" or "deceitful". The result is that Conservapedia has become a [[blog]], and most people that create accounts there are (1) parodists, (2) arguing with sysops to amuse themselves, or (3) preparing a major attack. Evidence of this is the almost lack of edits in their Recent Changes page. Just compare ED's Recent Changes and CP's. However, they're tireless proclaiming [[O RLY|"This site is growing rapidly!"]]. You should know, Schlafly, that '''every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.'''

After many months of most (all?) new accounts being vandals, parodists and people laughing out loud, on 1 November 2010 Conservapedia switched from open account creation to registration via e-mail requests for accounts.

Recently, they are back to letting you register after a captcha screen, since the email route denied Andy his admitted pleasure in [[Banhammer|banning]] [[Pretty cool guy|liberals and other vandals]].

[[Image:Human feces.jpg|thumb|120px|[[Typical]] Conservapedia entry.]]

== The Colbert Report ==

Andy was recently on the Colbert Report, where frothy diarrhea continued to surge out of his mouth and on to the set of [[communist]] [[faggot]], [[Stephen Colbert]]. The flow intensified as Andy cocked his head back and laughed, issuing forth the sound of one-thousand industrial strength black person dicks slapping against the foreheads of as many white college [[girls]]. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxQp0oa0G98 What a weird laugh.]

==Pact with Satan==

Shitfly claimed that Biden winning the 2020 US presidential election opened a "satanic portal" above the white house. Some liberals hold that this theory was the result of when a very embittered Schlafly made a pact with [[Satan]] in 2008, following Obama's win. This is a transcription of the diabolical document, allegedly found at his home in New Jersey:

''We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Astaroth and Beck ([[Glenn Beck Raped And Murdered A Young Girl In 1990|who raped and murdered a girl in 1990]]), together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Andrew Layton Schlafly, who is ours. And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of [[virgin]]s, the respect of experts, honors, lusts and powers. He will go whoring [[Party hard|three days long]]; the carousal will be dear to him. He offers us once in the year a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the [[church]] and he will ask us many questions; with this pact he will live twenty years [[High|happy]] on the earth of men, and will later join us to sin against [[God]]. Bound in hell, in the council of demons.''

''Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, Astaroth, Leviathan, Beck''

''The seals placed the Devil, the master, and the demons, princes of the lord.''

''Baalberith, writer.''

== Fun Facts ==
[[Image:AndrewSchlafly conservapedia.jpg|thumb|Andrew <s>Schlafly</s> Chafely (not John Schlafly)]]
*Has a horseshoe testicle (two testicles fused into one).
*Shitfly is a staunch supporter of the barbaric death penalty and other "tough on crime" human rights violations.
*Shitfly is a radical [[retard|populist]] who supports tariffs and worships the [[Trump]]/[[Musk]] regime as if they're gods.
*Favorite film is ''Yentl''.
*His older brother John Schlafly is a homo [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1282/is_n20_v44/ai_12925575]. Andy himself pretends to hide the fact on Crapedia.[http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=John_Schlafly&action=history]
*Expelled from the "Society of the Divine Word" for [[Masturbation|unknown]] reasons.
*A fan of Cher and Starship.
*Andy believes [[God]] to have promised that he can break open one of the Seven Seals come [[Catnarok|Judgment Day]]. The details are yet to be firmed up with the Lamb, but Andy has his fingers crossed for the sixth and fondly imagines himself tearing it wide open with a fearsome cry of "'''Godspeed!'''" He has been known to spill his [[semen|seed]] during these daydreams, but God assured him that it's OK if he's only fantasizing about smiting, and hasn't touched his pee-pee in a [[masturbation|bad way]].
*Andy thinks that it's okay to ignore portions of the Bible if they're too liberal, because clearly they aren't the authentic literal word of God, but rather additions from human editors. [http://www.conservapedia.com/Essay:Adulteress_Story]

== Related articles ==
*[[Pedophilia]]
*[[Ann Coulter]]
*[[Batshit crazy]]
*[[White people]]
*[[Ed Poor]], partner in [[fail]]
*[[MAGA]]
*[[Failfags]]
*[[Glenn Beck]]
*[[RationalWiki]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]

== External Links ==
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Schlafly Most comprehensive article on Andy]
*[http://www.phyllisschlafly.com/ visit to old Phyllis]
*[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/258144/december-08-2009/andy-schlafly Schlafly appears on Colbert Nation]
*[http://pview.findlaw.com/view/3919823_1 His publicly available fax and phone number for his law practice]

{{Christianity}}

[[Category:People|Schlafly, Andy]]

Andy Schlafly

2026-04-30T15:48:32Z

Crow caw: /* Beliefs */

[[Image:Schlafly 09.jpg|thumb|Andy Schlafly, aka ''The Assfly'', controls [[CP]] from home.]]

{{Quote|I do teaching writing|Schlafly, the educator|color=blue|size=320%}}

[[Paranoid]], [[Asking for it|sexless]] and [[failed]] engineer / politician / lawyer / [[Homeschooling|teacher]] / human being '''Andy Schlafly''' is the creator and absolute monarch of [[Conservapedia]], which is like Wikipedia only more charming since everyone wears their bias on their sleeve. Like every good [[Republican]], Schlafly uses defamation as a weapon of choice against his sworn enemies: [[liberal]]s, intellectuals and experts.

At Conservapedia, Schlafly vomits all his opinions and insights, offering his version of a perfect world. Obviously, this includes denigrating [[Black Jesus]], opposition to [[Health Care Rage|Health Care reform]], [[racism|bigotry]], intolerance towards minorities, promotion of [[creationism]], [[censorship]] of liberals, [[homeschooling]], [[Republican Party|hypocrisy towards homosexualism]], [[moar]] [[gun]]s (and a ban on video games), a gay crush on [[Vladimir Putin]], [[anti-lulz]] and other [[conservative]] characteristics and traits.

In 2007, Schlafly shared the [[Nobel Prize for Racism]] with [[Metapedia]] founder Anders Lagerström.

== Andy B.C.(Before Conservapedia) ==
[[File:Cathy kosarek and andy schlafly.jpg|thumb|Cathy Kosarek looks at her husband with utmost disdain]]

===Family===

Andrew "Andy" Schlafly is the scion of Phyllis Schlafly and St. James the Less. He has five siblings: Roger (a godless mathematician), Liza, Ann, Bruce and John, who is a [[faggot]].

Andy's mom is best known as one of the high priestess of the American [[fundamentalist]] [[conservative]] movement. Prior to that, she had joined the [[Republican]] party and ran, [[lol|unsuccessfully]], for a Congressional seat in Illinois in 1952. In 1970 she made a second try at running for a Congressional seat, but [[Luser|lost once again]]. She is a bitter opponent of [[feminism|women's liberation]], despite having benefited from the freedom to obtain law degrees and run for public office. Since she realized that she wouldn't be special anymore if other women started gaining power, this [[Bitch|lovely lady]] is generally given credit for the ERA's eventual failure.
[[Image:Old_People_-_Naked_Old_Lady.jpg|thumb|100 px|Old Phyllis in 2008, still horny]]

Although she was often accused of spreading false and misleading information about what the ERA would entail (just like her son Andy does about everything else), her arguments apparently were effective in persuading many women to vote against it. Later, she founded the [[cult|Eagle Forum]], an organization for [[In the kitchen|conservative women]].

Andy united in marriage in [[1984]] with Cathy Kosarek, but no one cared.

=== SPAWN ===

[[Thinking with portals|Somehow or other]], Andy managed to spawn a second, smaller entity, colloquially known as Andy Junior. Of course he was immediately promoted to sysop on [[Conservapedia]] [http://www.conservapedia.com/User_talk:CollegeRepublican], being obviously more deserving than the handful of contributors that have actually devoted hours of effort to the site (on weekends they also like to repair the railings on sinking ships). Andy Jr. is [[ghey]] for [[Huckabee|Fuckabee]] and thinks [[Chuck Norris]] is not [[OLD MEME]] [http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=521477], proving him as much a moron as his parent, although similar pedophilic tendencies have yet to be seen.

Andy's daughter Phy Schlafly is also a CP sysop. Talk about nepotism.

==Persona==

{{Quote|andy schlafly is an idiot|Google|color=green|size=320%}}

=== Andy: opposite of success ===
Andy has one of the awesomest records of failing in both [[RL]] and [[OL]]. He first became an engineer, but failed miserably at that. Then he studied law, but failed again. He has since become a [[pedophile|"teacher" of homeschooled kids]] when he wasn't able to get a decent job. He believes that giving his "students" A's just for agreeing with him makes them better educated than kids who go to real schools.

In between, Andy sought the [[Republican]] Party nomination for the House of Representatives in the 1992 elections. He amounted [http://www.ourcampaigns.com/RaceDetail.html?RaceID=361897 only 11%] of the votes and just like his mom, he lost the election. [[Epic fail|It's in the blood.]]

To consummate a completely failed life, Andy has become a resentful man who simply can't stand the fact that a [[Obama|nigga]] was the [[God|commander-in-chief]] of the [[United States]] military. As a conservapedian, he's spending the last years of his life convincing himself that his laughable project exerts some influence on the public. We can only think of the poor idiot discovering new "insights", writing crappy essays and rewriting the [[Bible]], as he drinks a mug of cocoa that leaves a brown mustache over his upper lip.

===Beliefs===
[[File:ASchlafly 1.jpg|right|300px]]
Schlafly is an advocate of Young Earth [[Creationism]], a funny but ultimately demented doctrine claiming that the universe was created out of thin air over 6 days by an invisible space wizard 6000 years ago and that the first two humans where made out of dust and a [[LOLWUT|rib]].

He's also a [[racist]], although he tries to look the opposite in public, specially at his [[Conservapedia|blog]]. On the contrary, his contempt for gheys and his anti-liberal views are his standards.

[[Whatever]] his beliefs, Schlafly is determined to pervert and atrophy the minds of young people who enter his realms of [[basement-dweller|obscurity]], willful ignorance, and proud [[American]] [[stupidity]].

Andy Shitfly believes the myth that [[video games]] are the cause of every [[hoax|"mass shooting"]] and [[Jack Thompson|therefore "violent video games" must be banned]].

Shitfly thinks [[California]], the pinnacle of American [[capitalism]] is somehow [[WTF|a communist state]].

=== That fucking voice of his ===

Andy Schlafly has a fucking weird voice. This explains why he keeps most of his ideological confrontations to the net, since when you sound like a diarrhea-gargling muppet having its throat stood on, you automatically lose any argument. [http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=P5RNAYlAxmo Behold.]

{{Quote|Who?|Richard Dawkins, when told about Schlafly's smear tactics against him|color=red|size=320%}}

=== Typical Schlafly Argument ===

— '''Andy:''' Bongabill, you're clueless. The 18-45 population of Hollywood certainly can be compared with the 18-45 general population as to incidence of disease. '''I doubt you've taken half the statistics courses that I have.''' You have typical liberal style in trying to intimidate. --Aschlafly 14:35, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''User:''' '''Mr. Schalfly, actually, I am a professional statistician with both graduate and post-graduate degrees in the subject,''' and also a 34 year professional career as a statistician working for the official statistics bureau of a major nation. [...] I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing correct here with any of your reasoning, which not only fails Statistics 101, but fails it in the first semester. This article is specious nonsense. --Bongabill 14:59, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

— '''Andy:''' '''Bongabill, we don't fall for the unproven claims of credentials here.''' Wikipedia might be a better home for you. Your claim is absurd that no conclusions can be drawn from comparing disease incidence among Hollywood types to the general population. Tell me, did you work for the tobacco industry also in denying that cigarettes cause cancer? --Aschlafly 15:13, 4 May 2008 (EDT)
([http://conservapedia.com/Talk:Mystery:Young_Hollywood_Breast_Cancer_Victims sauce])

== The Creation ==
[[Image:Godhands.jpg|thumb|left|''"And from the heavens came Conservapedia..."'']]

By 2006, the idea of a "family-friendly" encyclopedia that could dethrone Wikipedia finally materialized, and thus Conservapedia became a kind of anti-liberal [[cloaca]] where Schlafly and his dogs constantly throw in their biased [[shit|feces]]. Conservapedia has been trying to increase its amount of entries by plagiarizing loads of articles from almost every online encyclopedia available, only adapting the content for their depraved purposes.

However, at first Schlafly wholly misunderstood how the [[Internets]] [[Internet Law|function]], making legal threats to every vandal and even reporting one of them to the [[FBI]]. He was ignored, of course, but he didn't learn his lesson: later, he [[Idiot|baselessly]] accused [[RationalWiki]] of copyright infringement, just to be [[pwnt]] once again.

This time, he ''did'' learn his lesson, and after suffering those wounds on his ego, Schlafly and his acolytes are only dedicated to [[attack]] every single thing they regard as "liberal" or "deceitful". The result is that Conservapedia has become a [[blog]], and most people that create accounts there are (1) parodists, (2) arguing with sysops to amuse themselves, or (3) preparing a major attack. Evidence of this is the almost lack of edits in their Recent Changes page. Just compare ED's Recent Changes and CP's. However, they're tireless proclaiming [[O RLY|"This site is growing rapidly!"]]. You should know, Schlafly, that '''every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.'''

After many months of most (all?) new accounts being vandals, parodists and people laughing out loud, on 1 November 2010 Conservapedia switched from open account creation to registration via e-mail requests for accounts.

Recently, they are back to letting you register after a captcha screen, since the email route denied Andy his admitted pleasure in [[Banhammer|banning]] [[Pretty cool guy|liberals and other vandals]].

[[Image:Human feces.jpg|thumb|120px|[[Typical]] Conservapedia entry.]]

== The Colbert Report ==

Andy was recently on the Colbert Report, where frothy diarrhea continued to surge out of his mouth and on to the set of [[communist]] [[faggot]], [[Stephen Colbert]]. The flow intensified as Andy cocked his head back and laughed, issuing forth the sound of one-thousand industrial strength black person dicks slapping against the foreheads of as many white college [[girls]]. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxQp0oa0G98 What a weird laugh.]

==Pact with Satan==

Shitfly claimed that Biden winning the 2020 US presidential election opened a "satanic portal" above the white house. Some liberals hold that this theory was the result of when a very embittered Schlafly made a pact with [[Satan]] in 2008, following Obama's win. This is a transcription of the diabolical document, allegedly found at his home in New Jersey:

''We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Astaroth and Beck ([[Glenn Beck Raped And Murdered A Young Girl In 1990|who raped and murdered a girl in 1990]]), together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Andrew Layton Schlafly, who is ours. And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of [[virgin]]s, the respect of experts, honors, lusts and powers. He will go whoring [[Party hard|three days long]]; the carousal will be dear to him. He offers us once in the year a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the [[church]] and he will ask us many questions; with this pact he will live twenty years [[High|happy]] on the earth of men, and will later join us to sin against [[God]]. Bound in hell, in the council of demons.''

''Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, Astaroth, Leviathan, Beck''

''The seals placed the Devil, the master, and the demons, princes of the lord.''

''Baalberith, writer.''

== Fun Facts ==
[[Image:AndrewSchlafly conservapedia.jpg|thumb|Andrew <s>Schlafly</s> Chafely (not John Schlafly)]]
*Has a horseshoe testicle (two testicles fused into one).
*Shitfly is a staunch supporter of the barbaric death penalty and other "tough on crime" human rights violations.
*Shitfly is a radical [[retard|populist]] who supports tariffs and worships the [[Trump]]/[[Musk]] regime as if they're gods.
*Favorite film is ''Yentl''.
*His older brother John Schlafly is a homo [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1282/is_n20_v44/ai_12925575]. Andy himself pretends to hide the fact on Crapedia.[http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=John_Schlafly&action=history]
*Expelled from the "Society of the Divine Word" for [[Masturbation|unknown]] reasons.
*A fan of Cher and Starship.
*Andy believes [[God]] to have promised that he can break open one of the Seven Seals come [[Catnarok|Judgment Day]]. The details are yet to be firmed up with the Lamb, but Andy has his fingers crossed for the sixth and fondly imagines himself tearing it wide open with a fearsome cry of "'''Godspeed!'''" He has been known to spill his [[semen|seed]] during these daydreams, but God assured him that it's OK if he's only fantasizing about smiting, and hasn't touched his pee-pee in a [[masturbation|bad way]].
*Andy thinks that it's okay to ignore portions of the Bible if they're too liberal, because clearly they aren't the authentic literal word of God, but rather additions from human editors. [http://www.conservapedia.com/Essay:Adulteress_Story]

== Related articles ==
*[[Pedophilia]]
*[[Ann Coulter]]
*[[Batshit crazy]]
*[[White people]]
*[[Ed Poor]], partner in [[fail]]
*[[MAGA]]
*[[Failfags]]
*[[Glenn Beck]]
*[[RationalWiki]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]

== External Links ==
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Schlafly Most comprehensive article on Andy]
*[http://www.phyllisschlafly.com/ visit to old Phyllis]
*[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/258144/december-08-2009/andy-schlafly Schlafly appears on Colbert Nation]
*[http://pview.findlaw.com/view/3919823_1 His publicly available fax and phone number for his law practice]

{{Christianity}}

[[Category:People|Schlafly, Andy]]

Sheriff Joseph M. Arpaio

2026-04-30T15:47:48Z

Crow caw:

{{spoiler|sheriff joe [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/08/25/politics/sheriff-joe-arpaio-donald-trump-pardon/index.html got b& for trolling niggers] but [[Donald Trump|the donald]] set him free}}
 
'''Disclaimer:''' ''This biography, while mostly based in fact, is a satirical parody biography of a Great American who is loved, feared, and loathed by those who know him and know of him. We hope that the Sheriff takes it as a compliment and as evidence of his Great Power that he has an article on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], the Internet's premier satire and humor Wiki.''
 
 
[[File:Donald trump pardons sheriff joe arpaio august 2017.png|right|thumb|500px|'''U MAD USA?''' Trump spares Joe from a lifetime of [[Goatse|goatsefication]] in [[Bubba|Bubba's]] lovenest, 2017]]
'''Sheriff Joseph M ."Joe" Arpaio''' or "America's Toughest Sheriff," as he likes to be known, was the Sheriff of Maricopa County, [[Arizona]], Destroyer of [[Spics]], and lover of the color pink and Trumps Dick. He was born, as all Great Americans are, at the right place and the right time on Flag Day, June 14, 1932 during the Great Depression in Springfield, [[Massachusetts]], the home of [[gun|big-motherfucking-hand-cannon]] manufacturer Smith and Wesson. His parents were Italian immigrants. His Great Power was apparent at his birth, during which he killed his mother. He was raised in poverty by his father, a stereotypical Italian grocer, and his extended family. In 1958, he married his wife, Ava, and had two children, the ultra-masculine [[guido|Rocko]] and Shelly, the girl who ''meant'' it when she said, "If my dad finds you here when he comes home, he'll ''kill'' you!" He has four grandchildren.

In recent years, [[Grady Judd]] of [[Hell|Polk County]], [[Florida]] has become the new Arpaio and is arguably much much worse! Fuck Judd! Also, fuck [[Mike Chitwood]] and [[rapist|Wayne Ivey]].

==="So, Grandpa, what did you do during the war?"===
[[Image:SheriffJoeHeadshot.jpg|200px|thumb|right|Welcome to Hell. There will be no smoking.]]
His military record is completely unimpressive. Arpaio in his own words from [http://www.sherrifjoe.org his own website]: "''In 1950, America became engulfed in the Korean War; and I had just enlisted in the Army. I wanted a piece of the action. But as luck would have it, instead of heading off to combat, the Army saw an unusual talent in the young Joe Arpaio, something other men my age knew nothing about – typing! So instead of issuing me off to Korea, the Army put me in the military’s Medical Detachment Division where report writing skills and interviewing techniques were critical. The Army never got me over to Korea but it did get me abroad for a while. That’s where I was bitten by wanderlust. Little did I know then that France would be the first of many foreign countries where I would be sent to fight crime. After getting a taste of what being a cop would be like in the military , I was discharged from the army and immediately signed up to be a street cop in one of the toughest cities in America – Washington D.C.''" So, instead of getting a chance to kill [[gooks]] in Korea, he did secretarial work in the land of fine wines and loose women.

===Young Joe Becomes a Cop===

Following Arpaio's honorable discharge from the Army, he moved to [[Washington, D.C.]] and got his first non-military cop job, patrolling the [[negro]]-infested streets of the District. D.C. in the Fifties must have been a [[lulzy|heady]] time for Joe in a city filled with niggers during the age of Segregation. This being an age of few civil rights, with the law on Joe's side, the only crime he could possibly have committed is that of having [[lulz|Too Much Fun]]. In 1957, Arpaio moved to [[Las Vegas]], where he served as a police officer for just six months before being tapped to become a Special Agent in the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, which later became the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA). Arpaio worked for the DEA for 25 years, during which time he worked in both [[Turkey]] and [[Mexico]], which no doubt fueled his urge to [[jail|incarcerate]] brown people. Turkish prisons may even have inspired his own incarceration techniques. He was later promoted to head of the DEA's Arizona branch. In 1992, Arpaio ran for the office of Sheriff of Maricopa County, and won, and was re-elected every four years after that, in 1996, 2000, 2004, and 2008.

==Actions as Maricopa County Sheriff==

[[Image:Pink-chain-gang.jpg|thumb|right|Amerikkkan Justice in action!]]
[[image:Takin it off boss.jpg|thumb|right|Not gay? You are now mah boi...]]
During his tenure as Maricopa County Sheriff, Arpaio has created some useful, if not so [[lulzy]] programs such as the following:

*Registration of bicycles to prevent theft, so there should be fewer cries of "nigger stole my bike!"
*Block watch/neighborhood watch, so that nosy neighbors can report people for acting "real suspicious" when they're walking, because [[NORP|normal people]] drive trucks to get around. [[PROTIP]]: This is most likely to happen in Paradise Valley.
*Child identification records and fingerprinting, not so much to find missing children, but to catch these children as juvenile offenders or later in life. If Sheriff Joe had his way, everybody's prints would be on file.
*''Operation Identification'' to mark valuable property so that it can be returned to the person that owns it.
*''Operation Notification'' so that business owners can get their baseball bats and riot shotguns ready for the illegal alien hordes.
*''Project Lifeline'' which provides free mobile phones to domestic abuse victims, so that they may be tracked via GPS by Sheriff's deputies who can stalk them and get extra-friendly to get consensual sex or [[surprise sex]].
*''[[Resident Evil|S.T.A.R.S.]]'' Sheriffs Teaching Abuse Resistance to Students, probably similar to D.A.R.E., Drug Abuse Resistance Education, which has been proven to have no results except to produce T-shirts for college students who want to be ironic.
*An annual summer camp for kids near Payson, Arizona.

===Joe Arpaio's Changes to the Administration of the Maricopa County Jail===

As Sheriff, Joe Arpaio is responsible for overseeing the operations of the Maricopa County Jail. Arpaio began to serve inmates "surplus food," i.e. [[shit|garbage]] and limited meals to twice daily. He brags that it costs about a quarter a day to feed his inmates his famous '''green baloney''' and '''moldy bread'''. He just can't get enough of the fact that the dogs are better fed than the inmates, and makes this known at every opportunity because he is, at heart, a pathological [[attention whore]]. It took a Federal Appeals Court order to compel him to feed his inmates something other than starvation rations, because Sheriff Joe believes that food should be used as punishment.
[[Image:Joe-arpaio.jpg|thumb|left|But it sure does pay for Sheriff Arpaio.]]

'''Tent City:'''

Arpaio set up a "Tent City" as an extension of the Maricopa County Jail which constantly has a neon motel-style '''Vacancy''' sign burning. Tent City is located in a yard next to a more permanent structure containing toilets, showers, an area for meals, and a day room. It has become notable particularly because of Phoenix's extreme temperatures. During the summer of 2003, when outside temperatures exceeded 110 degrees Fahrenheit, Arpaio gave this half-assed non sequitur as a reason that inmates shouldn't complain: '''"It's 120 degrees in [[Iraq]] and the soldiers are living in tents, have to wear full body armor, and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your mouths."''' In reality, everyone knows that Joe Arpaio is just [[doing it for the lulz|acting on his natural sadistic impulses]].

'''Volunteer chain gangs:'''

[[Image:Controversial Maricopa Sheriff e7b5.jpg|thumb|right|"Workin' on a chain gang."]]
In 1995, Arpaio reinstituted the venerable Southern slavery-inspired practice of chain gangs. In 1996, Arpaio expanded the chain gang concept by instituting female volunteer chain gangs so that he wouldn't be troubled by civil rights lawsuits from men, and because Joe hates women too. Female inmates work seven hours a day (7 a.m. to 2 p.m.), six days a week. He has also instituted the world's first all-juvenile volunteer chain gang; volunteers earn high school credit toward a diploma at being a nigger.

'''Pink underwear:'''

[[Image:Arpaio_underwear.jpg|thumb|Joe shows off his famous pink underwear with the pride of a new father.]]
One of Arpaio's most visible public relations actions was the introduction of pink underwear, which the Maricopa County Sheriff's website cites as being "world famous." Sheriff Joe has said that he made the change to pink underwear because [[bullshit|inmates were stealing underwear from the jail for their own use]]. In reality, he made the change to pink underwear for purely sadistic reasons. He has an unappealing habit of making up halfway rational reasons for decisions made purely for spite and to gratify his own sadistic drives. It is possible that the issuing of pink underwear may backfire on him for some inmates, who are just glad to get a clean pair of boxer shorts that come in one recognizable color. In most jails, new underwear is rare, and since it is washed along with everything else, towels, orange outfits, and socks, it ends up a dingy pinkish-orange. Also, most jails use tighty-whities rather than boxers, because they are cheaper and more durable. So, [[Bix Nood|thanx fo' the drawa's]] Joe! Arpaio's success in gaining press coverage with the pink underwear resulted in him extending the use of the color to a [[sick fuck|disturbing degree]]. He introduced [[BDSM|pink handcuffs]] and painted the cells pink [[bullshit|because pink is a soothing color]].

'''Selective Service Registration and Organ Donation:'''

In 2001, Arpaio became the first sheriff to require all male inmates 18 years and older to register for the Selective Service System, which used to be called "registering for the draft" when there was involuntary military service in the U.S. Registration is required by federal law for all U.S. males between 18 and 26 years of age, as well as for resident aliens of the same age regardless of their immigration status. Since 2001, a total of 28,000 inmates, including 9,000 aliens, have registered for Selective Service. The Sheriff also started the '''"Have a Heart"''' program in which inmates may volunteer to be organ donors, '''so that they may be used for their meat as well as their labor''', although most jail inmates' organs would be unusable due to disease, drug use, or other hard-living. '''If diseases weren't an issue, Sheriff Arpaio would probably rent out his female inmates as wet-nurses to middle to upper-class women who can't or won't breastfeed.'''
==Gay 4 Trump==
Last Thursday Arpaio told a Finnish Borat that he would go the "extra" mile in giving people handjobs. He also said he was willing to give Donald Trump a blowjob
<center><youtube>bHvjHbL2utk</youtube>
Golden Showers and Blow Jobs.
</center>

==Controversy==

[[Image:SheriffArpaioPrisonersPinkShirts.jpg|thumb|The shirts say, "CLEAN(ing) AND SOBER."]]
In 2005, the Arizona State Legislature passed a state law making it a felony, punishable by up to two years in jail, to smuggle illegal aliens across the border. While this is already a Federal crime, Arizona’s law, also known as the "Coyote law," made it legal for local police to enforce immigration law and also classified persons being smuggled as co-conspirators subject to penalties [http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/10/us/10smuggle.html as laid out in the law]. Arpaio has instructed his deputies and members of his civilian posse to arrest illegal aliens. Arpaio told the conservative D.C. newspaper ''The Washington Times'', "My message is clear: if you come here and I catch you, you're going straight to jail.... I'm not going to turn these people over to federal authorities so they can have a free ride back to Mexico. [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2006/may/10/20060510-115750-3996r/ I'll give them a free ride to my jail."] In October 2009, the Department of Homeland Security removed the authority of Arpaio's 160 federally trained deputies to make immigration arrests in the field. Despite the actions of the Department of Homeland Security, a [[butthurt]] Arpaio has maintained that he will still pursue illegal aliens under Arizona state law. All he has to do is charge them with something else like "resisting arrest" or "obstructing" and he can "legally" arrest them and laugh at the Feds.

===Federal Investigations===

*In March 2009, the [[Marxist thug|United States Department of Justice]] notified Arpaio that they were investigating him for [[bullshit|civil rights violations]], in unfairly targeting [[Spics|"Hispanics"]] and Spanish-speaking people. Well, of course! [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT?|The dirty wetbacks should learn English.]]
*In October 2009, it was reported that the FBI was investigating Arpaio for using his position to [http://archive.fo/9bzqt settle political vendettas]. If you can't use your political power to hurt those you despise, what's the point of having it?
*In January 2010, it was reported that the United States Department of Justice has impaneled a grand jury to investigate allegations of [http://archive.fo/l0eC9l abuse of power by Arpaio].
*In March 2010, it was reported that an investigation into Arpaio is "serious and ongoing," [http://www.kpho.com/news/22963860/detail.html according to U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder]. <s>Let's all hope Joe gets [[rape|what he deserves]].</s> [[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS|HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I'M AN AMERICA-HATING LEFTARD WHO SUCKS ZIONIST COCKS]].

===Loss of Jail Accreditation===

Under Arpaio, the Maricopa County Jails have [http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/bastard/2009/01/sheriff_lawbreaker_joe_arpaios.php lost accreditation multiple times]. In September 2008, the National Commission on Correctional Health Care terminated the health care accreditation of all Maricopa County Sheriff's Office jails for failure to maintain compliance with national standards and providing false information about such compliance. In October, 2008, a U.S. District Court Judge ruled that the grossly inadequate conditions at the Maricopa County Jail, overseen by Arpaio, [http://www.aclu.org/prisoners-rights/judge-calls-maricopa-county-jail-conditions-unconstitutional are unconstitutional and jeopardize the health and safety of prisoners].

===Quotes from a Man Who Was Incarcerated at Maricopa County Jail===

<center>
{{morphquote|ClevelandSteamer1|background-color: transparent; width: 700px; height: auto;|font-weight: normal;|A neighbouring asthmatic inmate happily described how he inhaled a cockroach that had crept into his nebuliser. He could feel the insect crawling around inside him and promptly vomited his stomach contents.|Shaun Attwood, British stockbroker|In jail, chow is served twice each day. Breakfast arrives at 8.30am and consists of six slices of stale white bread (the probability of colourful mould growing on a slice is 33%), raw breakfast meat (the probability of it being bologna is 50%, green bologna is 25%), grapefruits or oranges collected during neighbourhood refuse clean-up campaigns (the probability of them being rotten is 50%), one packet of stale and bright orange-coloured, bordering on luminous, cheese crackers, and a beverage, which is a half-pint of fat-free milk.|Attwood|Unfortunately, the mail room officer had been offended by my complaint and I received a retaliatory, threatening note taped to my Wall St Journal. The note stated: "You need to contact the Wall St Journal and advise them of your new facility/bunk no. All papers from now on will be thrown away . . . Mail Officer."|Attwood|Frankie, an alleged Mexican mafia contract killer, is the source of most of the hullabaloo in our pod. Last month Frankie was calmly playing cards in a maximum-security pod when an eight-inch shank was suddenly plunged into the back of his neck. Unfazed, he extracted the shank, and was about to return the gesture, when guards pepper-sprayed him|Attwood|The daily temperatures are now in excess of 38C (100F) and rising. The air is stale and debilitating. On Monday an inmate told a guard that he felt ill and requested medical treatment. The guard told him to drink plenty of water and to lie down. The inmate persisted, stating that he was a diabetic and really needed to see the doctor, but the guard continued to fob him off. On Monday night the inmate slipped into a diabetic coma and was rushed to the hospital. He has not been seen since.|Attwood|The daily temperatures are now in excess of 38C (100F) and rising. The air is stale and debilitating. On Monday an inmate told a guard that he felt ill and requested medical treatment. The guard told him to drink plenty of water and to lie down. The inmate persisted, stating that he was a diabetic and really needed to see the doctor, but the guard continued to fob him off. On Monday night the inmate slipped into a diabetic coma and was rushed to the hospital. He has not been seen since.|Attwood|The allure of being consigned to the grave can become an unremitting thought, as evidenced by the periodic suicides.|Attwood|The conditions have tipped Eric, a 50-year-old inmate, into a nervous breakdown. Early Monday morning, he started yelling, "Get me outta here!!!" repeatedly for 15 minutes. His voice inflection ranged from a demonically possessed adult male - worse than the Exorcist! - to that of a sobbing young child.|Attwood|Half of the shower area is refusing to drain. Hair matted with semen has clogged it up. To shower I have to step through the odoriferous scum floating in the water. This disturbs a multitude of tiny jet-black flies and they form a cloud around my person. Fortunately they bolt when the shower is turned on, and migrate to the dried fruit peel in the trashcan. When the shower is turned off they return to the shower. They prefer the semen.|Attwood}}</center>

The funny thing about all this is that Attwood didn't have to spend two years in pretrial confinement in the Maricopa County Jail. All he had to do was either enter a plea of "guilty" or file a speedy trial motion and get a trial within days. The Sixth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantees the right to a speedy trial and was designed to prevent extensive, punitive pretrial incarceration, something the [[British]] liked to inflict upon [[American]] colonists.

===Inmates who have been killed or injured by the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office===

[[Image:RestraintChair1.jpg|thumb|right|It also comes in beige.]]
Family members of inmates who have died or been injured in jail custody have filed lawsuits against the sheriff’s office, and Maricopa County has paid more than $43 million in settlement claims during Arpaio's tenure. All of them have been [[retard]]s, [[drug]] addicts, or [[cripples|gimp]]s, which explains why they were treated so inhumanely. Besides, $43 million is only about 20% of Sheriff Joe's annual operating budget, so it's no big deal. Even if Arpaio could have built an air-conditioned jail facility for the money, we all know he wouldn't have done it. For Sheriff Joe, $43 million is just the price of doing business the way he wants to do it, [[ftw]]. The following [[cripples]] were victims:



<div class="sheriff1">
[[Image:RestraintChair2.jpg|thumb|right|A prison restraint chair.]]

'''Charles Agster:'''

In August 2001, Charles Agster, a 33-year-old [[retard]], died in the county jail three days after being forced by sheriff's deputies into a restraint chair used for controlling combative arrestees. Agster's parents were taking him to a psychiatric hospital because he was exhibiting [[paranoia]], then called police when he refused to leave a convenience store where they had stopped on the way. Officers took Agster to the Madison Street Jail, placed a spit hood over his face and strapped him to the chair, where he had a seizure and lost consciousness. He was declared brain dead three days later. A medical examiner later concluded that Agster died from complications from [[methamphetamine]] intoxication. In a subsequent lawsuit, an attorney for the sheriff's office described the amount of methamphetamine in Agster's system as 17 times the known lethal dose. The lawsuit resulted in a $9 million jury verdict against the county, the sheriff's office, and Correctional Health Services. So now Agster's parents have traded a retarded, drug-addicted [[basement dweller]] for lots of money, and the Sheriff's deputies had the fun of killing another worthless inmate. It was obviously a win-win situation. It's also a case study in why not to call the cops to help anyone in an altered mental state. They will fuck it up every time.
</div>



<div class="sheriff2">
'''Scott Norberg:'''

Scott Norberg, a former [[Mormon|Brigham Young University]] football wide receiver died while in custody of the Sheriff's office in 1996. Norberg was arrested for assaulting a police officer in Mesa, Arizona, after neighbors in a residential area reported a delirious man walking in their neighborhood. Arpaio's office claimed Norberg was also high on [[methamphetamine]], but a blood toxicology screen performed post-mortem was inconclusive. According to a toxological report, Norberg did have methamphetamine in his urine, though there should have been no direct effect caused by the methamphetamine on Norberg's behavior at the time of the incident. Evidence suggests that detention officers shocked Norberg several times with a stun-gun. According to an investigation by Amnesty International, Norberg was already handcuffed and face down when officers dragged him from his cell and placed him in a restraint chair with a towel covering his face. After Norberg's corpse was discovered, detention officers accused Norberg of attacking them as they were trying to restrain him. The cause of his death, according to the Maricopa County medical examiner, was due to "positional asphyxia." Sheriff Arpaio investigated and [[Derp|subsequently cleared detention officers of any criminal wrongdoing]]. Norberg’s parents filed a lawsuit against Arpaio and his office, and the lawsuit was settled for $8.25 million. Ka-ching!
</div>



<div class="sheriff3">
'''Brian Crenshaw:'''

Brian Crenshaw was a legally blind and [[retarded]] inmate who was beaten to death while being held in Maricopa County Jail doing time for shoplifting. The injuries that led to his death were initially blamed on a fall from his bunk but were later found to have been the result of a brutal beating by jail guards on March 7, 2003. A [[lolsuit|lawsuit]] filed in the Maricopa County Superior Court by the lawyer for Crenshaw's family stated: ''An external examination report of the Maricopa County Medical Examiners Office concluded that Brian's death was caused by "complications of blunt force trauma due to a fall." This conclusion was reached largely on the Maricopa County Sheriffs Office's relation of their "history" of Brian's injuries to the Medical Examiner's Office; a history that included the MCSO's implausible story that all of Brian's injuries were caused by a fall from his cell bed. The Maricopa County Medical Examiner conducted no autopsy; nor was the Maricopa County Medical Examiner informed by MCSO or [the Correctional Health Services] about Brian's beating on March 7, 2003 and/or related events. An independent autopsy report later narrowed the cause of Brian's death to peritonitis and sepsis secondary to the duodenal perforation. A fall from Brian's 4-foot, 2 inch bunk could not have simultaneously caused a broken neck, broken toes, and a duodenal perforation.'' The lawsuit against Arpaio and his office resulted in an award of $2 million. As in the Scott Norberg case, it was alleged that Arpaio's office destroyed evidence in the case. In the Crenshaw case, the attorney who represented the case before a jury alleged [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING|digital video evidence was destroyed]], which probably showed a bunch of [[redneck]] [[cops]] beating the shit out of a blind [[retard]] and having the time of their lives before they threw him in solitary confinement to die.
</div>



<div class="sheriff4">
'''Richard Post:'''

Richard Post was a [[cripple|paraplegic]] inmate arrested in 1996 for trespassing and possession of marijuana. Post was placed in a restraint chair by guards and his neck was broken in the process. The event, caught on video, shows guards smiling and laughing while Post is being injured. Because of his injuries, Post has lost much of the use of his arms, which virtually makes him a quadriplegic. The dumb bastard settled for only $800,000. That much money won't buy him the [[drugs]] he'll need to get through the rest of his pathetic life.
</div>

===Recidivism===

[[Image:DA arpaiochaingang.jpg|left|thumb|Y'all come back now, ya hear?]]
In 1998, Arpaio commissioned a study by [[University of Phoenix|Arizona State University]] criminal justice professor Marie L. Griffin to examine recidivism rates based on conditions of confinement. Comparing recidivism rates under Arpaio to those under his predecessor, the study found that ''there was no significant difference in recidivism observed between those offenders released in 1989-1990 and those released in 1994-1995.'' Obviously, for all his bluster and tough-talk and sadistic treatment of prisoners, Joe Arpaio can't keep them from re-offending. He knows this, yet he continues his practices proving that he is a psychopathic sadist who is just [[doing it for the lulz]]. He is just as useless as Grady Judd. All these asshole sheriffs in Florida and Arizona care about is appearing tough.

===A Real Man of '''IN'''Action===

[[File:JoeArpaio_Cool.jpg|200px|thumb|right|Joe Arpaio, a friend to pedos]]

[[Last Thursday]], it was revealed that the Maricopa County Sheriff's office had mishandled a number of sex crime cases, many of which involved children. Arpaio gave a firm and sensible explaination for his incompetency: They were [[asking for it]]. A majority of the cases that were ignored involved illegal immigrants. It's understandable that Arpaio wouldn't want to help these [[beaner]] scumbags, but Arpaio's logic has a major flaw: rape = Mexican marriage. Rape is a traditional marriage custom in Mexico, and by allowing these [[spics]] to marry and potentially procreate in our country, the immigration problem will only worsen. Also, Arpaio is missing a perfect opportunity to greatly reduce the Mexican population. Consider that nearly 105% of married Mexican women were sexually abused by their husbands as children. This means many if not all male Mexicans could be given the death penalty for raping [[children]].

===Contact Information===

{{twitter|realsheriffjoe}} 
{{facebook|real.joe.arpaio}}
*[http://plus.google.com/113598492537786647844/posts Google Plus]
*Office Phone Number: (602) 876-1801
*Office Fax Number: (602) 258-2081
{{clear}}

==External links==

*[http://www.wnd.com/2016/12/investigators-find-source-for-obamas-online-birth-certification-image/ Joe's book about Obama's 'fake birth certificate']
*[http://www.mcso.org/ Maricopa County Sheriff's Office]
*[http://archive.fo/szhO1 Official Bio]
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20080304084833/http://www.sheriffjoe.org/ Official Election Website]
*[http://www.azfamily.com/search?vendor=ez&qu=joe%2520arpaio&searchtype=Video Local News Coverage of Arpaio from KPHO.com and CBS 5 News (KPHO-TV)]
*[http://www.azfamily.com/search?vendor=ez&qu=arpaio Local News Coverage of Arpaio from azfamily.com and KTVK-3TV]
*[http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2004/sep/08/g2.onlinesupplement Hell on earth]
*[http://jonsjailjournal.blogspot.com/2004_03_01_archive.html Jon's jail journal earliest entries. Read it from oldest to newest.] -- Arpaio tortured prisoners who had not even been to trial yet for years. Prisoners suffered in 120F heat and the air conditioning only was turned on during inspections. Prisoners ate rotten food, cellmates were organized for the maximum spread of hepatitus, and the jails held a larger volume of roaches than people. Holding cells were as crowded as Japanese subway cars during rush hour. Only Polk County, FL under Grady Judd has worse jail conditions.

==See also==
*[[Arizona]]
*[[Pink]]
*[[Police]]
*[[Florida]] - where he belongs
*[[Mike Chitwood]
*[[New Mexico]] - Chris Oskins sucks cocks in hell.



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{{timeline|Featured article August 28 & 29, [[2017]]|[[Squirrelking]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Howard Dean]]}}

[[Category:People|Arpaio, Joseph M.]]